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Author Topic: Unsure  (Read 5070 times)

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Offline alhn

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  • Posts: 19
  • Everything Happens For Me..Not to me
Unsure
« on: November 30, 2008, 05:27:10 AM »
I recently met up with a guy who is "negative". I did tell him about my status and he decided to kiss me anyway( that's all , we didnt go further than that). BUt a day later, he called me and said that he actually had a mouth ulcer that time when we kissed and he was very worried. Asked if he can actually get the virus from me that way. It may be a silly question but can he?

For that moment, I felt so insulted and yet I felt so bad. It was my first time having a contact with a "negative" guy.


Offline Ann

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2008, 08:02:01 AM »
al,

Saliva isn't infectious. Not only that, but it also contains over a dozen different proteins and enzymes that damage hiv and render it unable to infect. The only way you're going to infect this guy (or any other guy) is to have unprotected intercourse with him. NOT by kissing him - anywhere. ;)

You might want to read the Transmission Lesson

I hope this "mouth ulcer" of his isn't herpes. If it is, he should be keeping his damned herpes to himself. We see this quite often over in the Am I forum - people worried about hiv because they had a herpes outbreak at the time of having some sort of contact with another person. They never seem to think about the fact that they're passing THEIR virus on. Pisses me off no end. [/end rant]

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Sweet_C

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2008, 01:23:02 PM »


I hope this "mouth ulcer" of his isn't herpes. If it is, he should be keeping his damned herpes to himself. We see this quite often over in the Am I forum - people worried about hiv because they had a herpes outbreak at the time of having some sort of contact with another person. They never seem to think about the fact that they're passing THEIR virus on. Pisses me off no end. [/end rant]



LOL.  We definitely don't need anymore viruses. 
Tested positive on September 11, 2008

Offline alhn

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  • Everything Happens For Me..Not to me
Re: Unsure
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2008, 10:43:27 PM »
Thanks Ann for clarifying that fact.

I am aware that virus cannot be spread through saliva. It is just that I am a bit confused when I cause this guy to panic and now he kept telling me that he is worried sick. And all the medical explanation I have searched and informed him so far is not helping. He said he still cant feel assured. I told him by all means go get a HIV test then if that is what he thinks can give him peace of mind.

The reason why I told him about my status on our first date is because I want him to be aware and trust me and now i think I have caused him so much complications. Sigh..I was just trying to be honest with him from the start.

Also, i don't know why he is so freaked out when we didn't even have aggresive kissing like french or tongue. It was just light kissing on the lips.


tendai

  • Guest
Re: Unsure
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2008, 03:44:42 AM »
you didnt cause complications, he's the one freaking out unnecessarily and making you feel bad while he's at it.  he's the one with the problem not listening to all the information you're giving him. maybe go together to a doctor or someone who can explain to him that he wasnt at risk?

Offline Snowangel

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2008, 08:48:08 PM »
Yup, what Ann and everyone else said.  If he doesn't shut up about it, tell him you think you might be pregnant and that he is the father.
Not to be mean but come on, you can't tell him any other way.
Good Luck!
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

tendai

  • Guest
Re: Unsure
« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2008, 02:17:51 AM »
ooh snow  i can imagine the look on his face then :)

bleueyes

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2008, 03:22:14 PM »
I think this guy is a jerk. He chose to kiss you.

Offline Cheryl J

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2008, 11:07:33 PM »
I know its a bit late for my response but I had a similar experience.


I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you made a decision to disclose yourself to him because you really hoped to have a real and honest relationship from the start.  Let him be afraid because that i think is just human nature but take it one or two more steps further in helping him find the resources and education that will allow him to realize that he doesn't have to be afraid, and can have a  relationship with you despite your diagnosis.

I don't know you, but I am proud of your act of disclosing yourself.  I know that it took a lot of guts.

I disclosed myself to my current bf before we went on our first date and I pat myself on the back every time I think about it.  No secrets, no lies.  and we've been together for 8 years.
Best of luck to you.
Cheryl

tendai

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2008, 08:12:56 AM »
it seems like for every one guy whos ok with the 'I have HIV' thing theres 10 runners

Offline alhn

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  • Everything Happens For Me..Not to me
Re: Unsure
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2008, 10:47:07 AM »
Thank you everyone.

thanks Cheryl..it's never too late to share your experience with me or anyone who is ever in need to know. I will never regret my honesty.

The guy still calls me on a off ..I guess he probably just wants to hear my personal assurance from time to time. Yes, got to agree he is a jerk for being so ignorant.  All I can do now is to just be a friend thats all. I am no longer putting expectations on it. Cried and got over it..got to just move on.

BUt at the end of the day, if he thinks I am still worth the friendship...then good..if not, so be it too.
If he needs time..he has all the time he wants to educate himself (with my help if needed). :)

No doubt, sometimes I am still angry - its like when you find someone you really like you get these mix emotions of JOY and then when you think of what you need to tell that someone about your status, it's painful for fear of rejection.

Having said that, I still want to experience real love for once at least in this lifetime. I said "real love" because I had been through bad ones which are not worth spelling out for. Anyway..that's another matter totally.

Thank you for hearing me and sharing your opinions. I appreciate it very much.

Offline kajnjewel

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2008, 09:09:03 PM »
I once heard at an AIDS conference someone from the CDC say that the virus is contained in all body fluids but thrives in the four main fluids: blood, seman, vaginal secretions, and mother's milk.  What helped to put the saliva into perspectives was that it would take someone drinking one (1) gallon of infected saliva, urine, etc.  in order to even have a "slight" chance of becoming infected that way and baby as far as the saliva is concerned that is an awful lot of continuous lip locking for sure.

As others has said, education and Knowledge is Power.  Sounds like he is interested since he keeps calling but if he continues to freak out each time you touch after all of the education you have offered than sweetie maybe someone else is out there for you that will truly be there in spite of HIV for you.

I have been infected for 19 years now, have had a few to become true friends, some run, even married one that said he wasn't scared only to discover otherwise (he was negative) and we divorced.

Love can and does happen - been there and am there now - in spite of HIV.  Good luck in your search for True Love.
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

Offline apple

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2009, 08:02:50 PM »
I have had my share of disappointment in that area. Was dating a guy for quite some months. Would kiss and use protective sex all the time. Once i revealed my status to him, he stopped kissing me, but continued using protection.

It hurt, really hurt ( maybe because i love kisses). However, he did not want to discuss the issue further, but the relationship continued for some time, although deep down, he made me feel like a leper.

My advise is: if someone makes you feel like a leper because of your status, that one is not for you.

Cheers
Apple

Offline Veritee

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    • Post Natal Illness Support
Re: Unsure
« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2009, 05:28:47 AM »
kajnjewel, I laughed at what you said as I also heard the 'that it would take someone drinking one (1) gallon of infected saliva, urine, etc' and many years ago when I did not have HIV but in the 90s when I was getting training on HIV as one of a team that was running HIV awareness sessions for heterosexual youth in the UK - I was then a youth worker.

It made me laugh then too but this has always stuck in my head as whether true or not  - about the exact quantity! - it was the one statement in my training then that really put me straight about how fragile this virus is and how it really can not be transmitted except via a few very specific ways - and knowing this saved me from passing on incorrect information o young people about transmission which I have found many did and still do.

Unfortunately knowing this did not stop me acquiring HIV myself some what over 10 years later by one of the specific transmission routes i.e unprotected vaginal sex with an infected man.

But while as this man is still alive as is my husband and therefore I am not on the dating scene again as yet, I will always know that kissing is not a risk to anyone I may choose to kiss, including my daughter and brothers and sisters who I kiss regularly. - I know it is different sort of kissing but we still kiss and i have done of course many things for my daughter involving body fluids such as urine, blood, cuts  and saliva i.e when caring for her as all mums do even with older children

However I have never had anyone who I kissed etc being worried or scared or putting this pressure on me.

So while I know the facts I think I would feel like you do alhn if someone I kissed did get worried and want to reasure them as much as possible.

But I agree with others it migth be a good thing he is scared as this might make him find out the facts and become less ignorent - as one less person who is ignorent abottu HIv is a good thing I feel.

But I do not think it is up to you anymore to educate him, friendship or no freindship. You have done what you can and now it is his business.

And yes if he had herpies or other ulcers he was putting you at isk of infections none of us want - not the other way around

I am learning by threads like this for if and when I am ever seeking a new sexual relationship again which I do not rule out if my husband dies before me. As even if we are in our 80s by then I like sex and intimacy so I will still go for this  and it is good to know the pitfalls and the ins and outs of disclosing or not

I do hope you find someone more suited to you soon

Veritee
I have a blog here, please do not judge me on what I say here- I need to offload and this is where I do it: http://hiv-and-us.blogspot.com/

Offline alhn

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #14 on: January 06, 2009, 02:47:11 AM »
Thanks for sharing everyone.

Veritee..
I know what you mean. I have done the best I can so far to reassure him all the time that he is OK.
Sometimes I still get calls from him saying that he has sorethroat or he feels feverish and he wondered if that's ok. At this point of time, I'll just answer YES! and no further words...because if I were to give further explanations, he'll get all paranoid again! sigh..

Perhaps I should sarcastically tell him about what Kajnjewel said about the 1 gallon of saliva etc! hahaha!

Having said all that,  at times, I thought, what if he actually found out that he has herpes or some infection and probably turn it back and blame it on me for giving it to him....( Ok I know this statement sounds paranoid so slap me out of this ! hahaha!)

Offline tinashura

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #15 on: January 06, 2009, 03:06:33 AM »
hello Alhn,i'm new to the forum and after reading ur post,i cannot but applaud you for your courage to disclose on a first date.It is usually very hard for people to do that.Anyway,like all the other ladies said,the guy is a jerk.The next time he calls you and try to complain,tell him to take you to court for accepting to kiss him...LOL. Don't be surprise he will ask for another date;that's where i see all this driving to.  Good Luck

Offline kajnjewel

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  • Living Life with a Passion!
Re: Unsure
« Reply #16 on: January 06, 2009, 10:09:45 AM »
SLAP - SLAP - SLAP and if you need more Alhn - I'll be glad to send them your way LOL.
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

 


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