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Author Topic: Something in my heart died last night  (Read 2954 times)

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Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Something in my heart died last night
« on: November 29, 2008, 03:48:37 PM »
Just another piece of an already broken heart.  I hope Stevie Nicks doesn't sue me for plagiarism.  My Kaiser died late last night after three days in extreme pain and there was nothing I could do about it.

Guerneville Veterinary Clinic always knew of my AIDS diagnosis because I had used PALS funding in the past.  They doubled the price of euthanasia, so I couldn't afford it and refused to bill me or help.  The PALS funds available this year was reduced to $85.00 and they wanted $240 in advance.  They did suggest I call Animal Control, which does not have a traveling vet but would load him in a truck and take him away.  He was in such pain, I couldn't even pick him up.  I want a Duck Call so I can sit across the street and go Quack!, Quack!, Quack!

Kaiser got a proper funeral with his favorite things.  I saved his first toy, a stuffed dog, his last toy, a stuffed bear (a Christmas gift fro Food for Thought, Sonoma Counties AIDS Food Bank, his futball, soccer ball and his tennis ball which are now buried with him along with his dog dish, full of food, his leash and collar and a silver dollar between his paws just in case there is a toll booth along the way.  He has Oregano, Basil, Rosemary, Celandine for protection from evil spirits along with Frankincense and Myrrh and a great big bag of hemp as an offering to the gods and goddesses.  I closed his eyes, called the Corners and invoked the Power of Pluto, the Patron God of Dogs.

I wrapped his last favorite thing, my MGB roadster in black plastic because car ride always had a good response and took his big tub of dog food to his favorite dog friend Angel, as was in his will.  ;D  Have the best day
Michael
 

Offline CaliGuy22

  • Member
  • Posts: 98
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2008, 04:12:22 PM »
Hey Michael,
  I am sorry to hear about your loss. I know how much Kaiser ment to you, I know you talked about him on here. I hope you are having a good day today, as good as possible.

~Josh
Compassion is Revolution.

Online leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,053
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2008, 04:57:13 PM »
awww, Michael I am so sorry.  :'(

It seems so wrong that these companions have such a short lifetime when they have so much love and friendship in their hearts. Grieve now; but always cherish the memories of those good years with Kaiser.

{{{hugs}}}
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2008, 06:12:46 PM »
Oh Michael,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much Kaiser meant to you. My sincerest condolences.  :'(
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,251
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2008, 06:13:54 PM »
My thoughts are with you this sad day. I'm glad you were able to give him such a grand burial. May you find more peace and love like that which Kaiser brought you.

Hugs,
Creighton

Offline BT65

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  • Vegas baby!
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2008, 06:40:35 PM »
Michael, I am so, so sorry.  It just doesn't seem fair.  {{MICHAEL}}  These posts always make me teary.  Luv ya, guy.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
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Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2008, 07:22:28 PM »
Sorry to learn about your loss, Michael. Hugs and condolences and cheers for the many, many great times you two shared together. Hail and farewell to Kaiser, a boon companion.
Andy Velez

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,002
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2008, 07:38:50 PM »
Michael, I'm so sorry to hear about Kaiser.

Ford

Offline Rural_oz

  • Member
  • Posts: 47
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2008, 09:04:40 PM »
I send you my thoughts and wishes from 'down under' on this sad day.

hugz

Offline Jody

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,817
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2008, 09:30:01 PM »
Sorry to hear about the loss of Kaiser and may the good memories of him last a lifetime for you Michael.

Jody  :'(
"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline denb45

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  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2008, 09:32:04 PM »
 :'( I'm  to choked -up to speak.............he's in a very good place right now, No pain, and No suffering  8)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline MYSTERY

  • Member
  • Posts: 186
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2008, 09:46:34 PM »
Hey Michael, 

I am really sad to hear about your dog Kaiser. I to love animals and can feel your pain when you speak of your loss. I will say a special prayer to  Saint Francis of Assisi , patron saint for animals. I wish you well during this sad time, and I hope kaiser is in a better place without any pain.  :'(
Atheist don't believe in GOD, but GOD believes in them and loves them. Never let the failure of man conflict with your love of GOD.

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2008, 12:30:35 AM »
I feel your pain. But you did send him off the best way anyone who loved their dog could, considering the circumstances. Big Hug, Michael.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,643
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2008, 02:07:10 AM »

My heart is broken too, MIchael.

My deepest condolences.

robt
..........

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2008, 06:46:09 AM »
Michael,

I am sorry for your loss.

ronnie
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,136
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #15 on: November 30, 2008, 08:08:09 AM »
((((((Michael))))))

So sorry...


Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #16 on: November 30, 2008, 09:02:10 AM »
Michael
Sending you a BIG HUG {{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}.
May Kaiser be at peace.


Joel
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Online Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,768
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2008, 09:48:43 AM »
Michael

Im so sorry


Jeff

Offline maddalfred

  • Member
  • Posts: 128
  • Self Portrait
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #18 on: November 30, 2008, 09:53:43 AM »
Michael,

So sorry for your loss.  :'(

Kaiser could not have asked for a more loyal friend.

Rex
<img src=http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj56/maddalfred1959/Me.jpg>

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,893
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #19 on: November 30, 2008, 10:11:45 AM »
Michael, it must be tough on you..

I am sure Kaiser is in doggy heaven now playing with all those toys.

Hugs, Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,334
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #20 on: November 30, 2008, 11:11:32 AM »
Hi Michael,

I'm sorry to learn of your loss of Kaiser. Take extra gentle care of yourself.

Em

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,382
  • 29 years positive, 56 years a pain in the butt
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #21 on: November 30, 2008, 11:34:57 AM »
Michael,

I am so sorry you have lost Kaiser.

((((((HUGS))))))

Mark

"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline gemini20

  • Member
  • Posts: 262
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #22 on: November 30, 2008, 11:58:27 AM »
Dear Michael,

My condolences on the loss of Kaiser, I know that pain and grief that goes along with losing a beloved pet and I feel for you at this difficult time.

My thoughts are with you and a candle has been lit for Kaiser.

take care,

Emma
Diagnosed 11th September 1991
Current CD4 count 484 (26%); viral load undetectable (December 2011).
Restarting boosted Prezista 08/04/11

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #23 on: November 30, 2008, 10:00:19 PM »
I'm really sorry for your loss, Michael. 
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline marc11864

  • Member
  • Posts: 440
  • I apologize for nothing!
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #24 on: December 01, 2008, 03:54:29 AM »
Awww  :'(

Sorry for the loss of your friend Michael. That's really sucky.  :'(
Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! You know the ones I mean.

Offline Merlin

  • Member
  • Posts: 642
  • As My WILL, So MOTE It Be !
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #25 on: December 01, 2008, 07:38:42 AM »
So sorry for your loss Michael. Hang in there. I too lost my precious anchor and baby girl, Angel, end July, and it really broke my heart & still hurts me constantly. :'(
Hang in there for Kaiser; he would want you to be strong. Just know now that he is in a better place and is no more suffering; tat's the only thing that matters. Focus on "he is free & no more suffering".

Peace and stay STRONG. :-*

Blessed Be!
Michael
I'll leave Hatred to those not strong enough to Love.

                            +++

Believe & The Power Of The Mind Transforms.
Make It Happen...

                            +++

I blame them for nothing.
I forgive them for everything.

---->> Mary J. Blige on dysfuctional parents

Offline eirin

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  • Posts: 80
  • Member since March 2005
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #26 on: December 01, 2008, 08:13:18 AM »
Dear Michael,

So sorry to hear about Kaiser!

Sending you love and strength, and hoping that the found memories you have of your time together will take away the pain you are feeling now.

I am burning a candle for Kaiser and wishing him a lot of fun on his new playgrounds.

Hugs and kisses

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #27 on: December 01, 2008, 09:38:48 PM »
Thank you all for the love and support.  During one of the Living With HiV support groups when I was diagnosed in 1994, they recommended we get pets for companionship.  I was still working at the time and knew I could be in Long Beach one day and San Francisco the next.  I got a puppy in 1996 right after getting out of the hospital with PCP and that puppy left with the man attached.  A LTS in that group had attributed his long life with HIV to being in a relationship and I grabbed the first man I could find and that didn't work.  WTF, that's what I get.

I am still very heart broken and keep going outside to talk to a mound of dirt in the back yard.  I guess in 1994, they never expected us to outlive the new pets.  My friend and former Case Manager had given me this fuzzy blanket one year for Christmas.  Sue thought I didn't like it with its pictures of dogs but I slept with it every night for at least the last 6 years so my security blanket is now wrapped around my Kaiser, in the ground.

During my first night without my dog or my blanket, I had a dream.  Pozattitude Rich gave me bad advice but it was nothing Rich would say and only a bad dream.  Last night's dream, Prop 8 was declared unconstitutional, I married Walter and he gave birth to Cocker Spaniel puppys.  I think the puppies were talking about Sustiva but one of them was Little Milton of the Glaxo Smith Kline family line and he had won the International Haiku Contest by saying, "Do not tell me, I am responsible for your throw up"  ;D  Have the best day
Michael


Offline CaliGuy22

  • Member
  • Posts: 98
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #28 on: December 01, 2008, 11:44:12 PM »
Sue thought I didn't like it with its pictures of dogs but I slept with it every night for at least the last 6 years so my security blanket is now wrapped around my Kaiser, in the ground.


I am crying over here, really
Compassion is Revolution.

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: Something in my heart died last night
« Reply #29 on: December 02, 2008, 05:09:20 PM »
"Truvy, I'm not going to let my personal tragedy stop me from doing good hair."  Well actually, I have never done hair but the worst part of the grieving is manageable and it's time to focus on the joy of a situation (like me), not being sued by Steel Magnolias.

Walter had just lost his Gracie, she was old and blind, both of our dogs needed a lot of care.  She was safe at home because she knew where everything was and Kaiser could not climb 3 flights of stairs and had a med schedule, I had to be home every morning and every night, Kaiser never missed a dose.  In almost a year of dream dates, we have never had a normal day with the paper, a bottle of wine and some old movies on TV.

This man laughs at my jokes, loves my stories and puts up a really good argument where I have to work at to win.  We have shared the loss of our pets, the fears of his family during Ike and seems like many issues.  I will always feel guilty for not being able to afford euthanization as well as not asking Walter for the money.  Having to work on some self forgiveness on this one.  I vote we let this thread slip into the archives.  Thank you again everyone for letting me share this you, I am thankful for your love and support  ;D  Have the best day
Michael   

 


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