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Author Topic: i have a fb & some fucked shit  (Read 6076 times)

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Offline next2u

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i have a fb & some fucked shit
« on: November 23, 2008, 10:03:25 PM »
so, i have a friend that i play with. we are both poz. we went to a sex club. he's cute, gets a lot of attention. i get a little jealous. so, when he decides to have unprotected sex with others i decide to leave. unfortunately, i've kinda fallen for him and normally would consider this despicable behavior. somehow, ive managed to rationalize this (he's very young -- legal, but young and the guys he's having sex with are probably twice his age).

i feel paralyzed when this is happening. of course there are drugs involved. i chose not to participate in the drug use but watched numerous people having unprotected sex and no one had the conversation. i did not have sex because i kept thinking of my friend and was having serious jealousy issues (i like to be there when he has sex but i don't like him not disclosing if he has unprotected sex) and could not keep myself in the mood.

i know this situation is wrong. i feel like ill betray him if i out him and i solidly believe that adults engaging in sexual practices should safeguard their own best interests. i also believe that us poz people should engage in safe sexual activities with people of unknown statuses. (trust me, that last sentence is a pipe dream). we were at a bathhouse. i didnt know what to do and i did not want to be far from him.

he knows the men don't care about him. he also does not care about himself at times. i can't make another human care (either of them). i came home by myself and started doing things to help numb the pain, or to make sure there was still something left to feel. my therapist is in for a long conversation this week.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2008, 10:42:45 PM »
I agree with you about being responsible for your poz status... BUT at a bathhouse.... different rules apply.

You should assume everyone at a bathhouse is poz.  If you want to play safe, there are condoms all over the place.  If you don't want to play safe, and don't ask.... then you are your own keeper.

the bigger issue here, IMHO, is the drug use coupled with sex.  You cannot stop this and all you can do is  keep yourself safe until he finishes his activity.  Later on you can talk about it and ask him if he wants to be sober.  If he doesn't, then nothing you can do will change it from what I can tell about addiction.  I personally don't use, so this isn't my area of expertise.  I'm told sobriety is a step at a time thing and you cannot help someone who does not want help. 

I would separate the jealousy, safe sex practices, bathhouse ettiquette, and drug problems.... elephants taste best one forkful at a time.... not all at once.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline next2u

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2008, 11:04:20 PM »
thank you...

i feel better after reading your post. we have talked about the drug use and some other stuff. the jealousy is a whole different subject. im not ashamed of it and he knows (as well as one of the guys he was fucking cause i told them). i guess i like to be in the same room when he is getting fucked or not be there at all. to be near and not be involved drives me insane. also, i involve him in my sexual activities when he is near, i just want the same reciprocity. we haven't talked about this but we will. i won't have sex with someone who isnt attracted to him when he is around and i want him to extend me the same courtesy (especially when we go out together to a bathhouse).

i have no control over the drug use and this is not acceptable behavior for our situation. this has been addressed and a final agreement will be made this week.

i guess i was feeling pretty shitty (so shitty i couldnt sleep last night) and i dont want to be in this situation again. ive made some choices based on last night's experiences and the fb and myself will talk about them. the safe sex issue he can deal with. i think we will also be having safer sex from here on out because of his activities.

i care about him more than i should. and i hate the world he was brought up in and sometimes i don't understand how we became what we are. because of this i allow him greater flexibility & lenity in our relationship and a hell of a lot more room to err. i remember being where he is and i know how good it is to have a friend. our friendship is not unconditional - limits have been drawn and redrawn (unfortunately).

yeah, the shit is jacked up.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2008, 11:50:45 AM »
A wise person once said this to me:
The first step in solving your problems is to identify what you do not have the power to change and put it in the "so what" pile.  As in "yea I'm mad, but so what I can't do anything about it." 

I think there is something liberating about acknowledging that something is an issue and you have no power over it, except the power to disengage.

Right now your FB is in control.  I think you have more power than you think.  Try a little withdrawal.  Let him drop a little and see what the descent feels like.  When he engages in drugs or decides to whore around - walk.  Just turn your back.  About 12 hours later call or text and let him know you are there when he's done.  He will pull himself out of it if and only if he wants to.  Meanwhile, you need to stay busy.  Go work out, hang out with a good friend, post on here, watch a movie, go to sleep. 

Pretend you are on a journey and that you can't communicate with him until the 12 hours are up.  No phone call, no text, no email, etc.  I bet it will un-nerve him and put you back in the drivers seat.

You have indicated that it hurts you when he has sex with other people and that you don't approve of his drug use.  My advice is to select a different item on the menu if you don't like that particular flavor of pie.  You can still sit down for a meal, if you get what I mean.

I personally have trouble with push and pull in relationships.  It sounds to me like you are chasing him, hard.  What's the old Aesop's fable?  the mouse runs because the cat chases.  The cat chases because the mouse runs.  and so it is. 

You are the cat, he is the mouse.  You chase, he runs.  And so it is.  If you sit down you break the game and I bet he comes back to you.  At which point you can have a conversation about sobriety.  Listen VERY carefully.  He must want help or you are doing worse than wasting your time.  You must also be prepared to enforce the negotiated rules, unless you like playing doormat.

Anyhow, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  Intense joy is often accompanied by intense pain and the distance between these emotions is the definition of humanity.  In all things there is a cycle and when you find yourself at the bad side you must simply hang on until the cycle shifts to a better place.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline PeteNYNJ

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  • When life gives you AIDS...make LemonAIDS!
    • Dance for Me, Puppets
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2008, 06:32:38 PM »
I agree with what Hotpuppy is saying (what a cute name btw).

You may not want to hear this, but this relationship is going nowhere.  Take a second, read the sentence again, and start to process.

You are allowing yourself to be a doormat and you are being used that way.  You deserve much much better and you will find it.

Glad to hear you have a therapist - talk to him about it and focus on WHY you are allowing this to happen to you not so much the specific guy. 

I have had very similar issues in my life around self esteem so if you ever wanna chat just PM me

Pete

Offline next2u

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  • Posts: 1,762
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2008, 09:11:10 PM »
i hate to say this, but you guys are right. ill start building an exit strategy!

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline red_Dragon888

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  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2008, 05:30:26 PM »
love is blind, love is dum, love is love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiOOfsm4GTk

« Last Edit: November 25, 2008, 10:48:16 PM by red_Dragon888 »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2008, 10:48:35 PM »
ps.  he is a sex addict and he needs help.  he may not be ready for it and he may not want it but he does have to face it.  i am talking from personal experience.  it is a mixture of self-hate and low self-esteem.  try sitting him down and really talking to him without judgement.  tell him you love him and that you are willing to help him.  he may love you but the addiction has control and was there first.  he needs help to overcome its strength over his weakness.  it is not easy and it takes months to bring up his self-esteem and self-love.  in the end it is up to you if you think he is worth it.  good luck
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline next2u

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  • Posts: 1,762
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2008, 12:43:32 AM »
thanks for the insight reddragon.

i spoke with my therapist about this tonight. while i know i should rid myself of him, unfortunately i cant. if i give him the boot he will have no where to go. and i do believe in him. i also believe he will make mistakes.

we will restructure our relationship and take things from there. i do have an exit strategy if needed. i just can't give up on him yet. he feels bad about the entire situation and wishes things were different. he helps me when he can and still pushes forward in spite of these pitfalls.

i also need to believe that people can change. i need to believe things can improve. i have to believe that people are willing to help people, esp people who want to help themselves. i am far from perfect and so is he. we will work on things a bit longer. i have enlisted the help of his friends and other people who care.

i also want to stop having sex with him (at least for now). i was really fucked after sunday's experience and do not enjoy sex with him at this time. also, our sex is from two different places. i use my sex to connect to people, for pleasure, for fun. he uses sex to escape, to distance himself. we do not connect or meet in the same place. i am also developing emotions (which have become unhealthy) from all of our sex.

i will also severe my relationship with the guy im dating. i shouldn't be seeing anyone seriously at this time. i need to meet someone in a dark room and just talk to them. relying on visual cues has left me in some fucked places.

so, wish us the best. even if this doesnt work, im gonna try just a little bit longer.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2008, 04:06:26 PM »
Yes, I have been in such a relations where I was messing around cause I was very insecure and did not really believe in the relationship.  I was not strong enough to curve my sexual addiction and it was too easy to find sex in all the wrong places.  Love is hard and sexual addiction is easy.  All I can say is that I am happy that he realize that there is a problem, which is the first step, and I feel for him cause this terrible habit is extremely hard to break.  Even when he has the best intentions to fight the impulse, the sexual addiction wins out cause he does not have reason or method to override the compulsions.  He is luckily cause he has you, but that maybe why the root of the problem.  ...fear of love and closeness.  The best advice for me to give is to tell you to communicate often and always.  Sexual addiction thrives in secrecy and eat away at your ego but it can't live in exposure.  Once it is expose one must face it and decide if he should try to fight it or give in to it.  To fight is to win...  to give in is to lose...  And there is always weaknesses cause the addiction knows you better than you do.  Good luck and take care.    ps. There are also books on the subject and resources on the internet that maybe helpful.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction

Schaumburg, Harry W. False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress 1997.

Kort, Joe 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives (chapter on sexual addiction relating to gay men) ISBN 1555837824
Alyson, 2003

Earle, Ralph and Crow, Gregory Lonely All The Time: Recognizing, Understanding and Overcoming Sex Addiction, for Addicts and Co-Dependents New York, New York: Pocket Books 1989
« Last Edit: November 26, 2008, 04:16:19 PM by red_Dragon888 »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline fearless

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #10 on: November 26, 2008, 09:55:19 PM »
Whereas, I on the other hand, believe there is nothing wrong with having a healthy appetite for sex. It does not necessarily mean one is an addict, or afraid of intimacy, or has some other deep psychological problems that need to be overcome.

I guess you would call me a skeptic when it comes to the notion of sex addiction.

As for you and your guy, Next. It is clear that you have strong feelings for him and want to try and help. Good for you. I'm with you in believing that people can and do change. He may or he may not, but good on you for trying to improve his lot in life.

edited to ad: just don't get hurt.

« Last Edit: November 27, 2008, 12:57:31 AM by fearless »
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #11 on: November 26, 2008, 10:21:28 PM »
Well for me if it smells like a duck, walk like a duck and quack like a duck, then it's a duck.  It felt like it controlled me, I lived hating it cause at the time I wanted to be faithful to my bf, and every emotions in me was a compulsion to have sex whether I like it or not.  I almost wanted to say before that maybe for some this is a good thing but for me and others it is hell.  I guess for me it is an addiction because I wanted to stop, but that was difficult to impossible.  For me I wanted love but only found unfulfilled sexual acts.  I had and have friends who also have what you would call healthy sexual appetite, but I guess the difference between me and them is that I did not like the compulsions controlling me.  To each his own... Que Sera, Sera. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline Texan38

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #12 on: November 26, 2008, 11:20:24 PM »
You know what, I have always appreciated your honesty about your sexual life. You have always put it out there with no ifs, ands or buts about it. You say it like it is and you are who you are, take it or leave it.  And I like that. You have a good head on your shoulders, you're opinionated and you say it like it is, so it boggles my mind why all that goes out the window when you meet a guy. You seem to always be attracted to guys who live risky lives and are always on the edge....and you always seem to have the need to love and save these guys. It just makes me wonder...why?  It seems you're fully aware of what you need to do and what you want to do...but, yet, you seem to hold back. Why?

Just my thought here...
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2008, 07:23:49 AM »
It's superb to believe in the capacity other people have for change.  My only concern here is not to confuse the capacity people have for change with this guy's desire for change.

I'll tell you a little story.  I've known someone for years.... like 12 or 13.  We'll call him K.  K is a drunk.  Not a drinker, a flippin drunk.  A while back he came to me when his unemployment ran out and asked me for a job.  I needed someone in our embroidery department so I hired him on the condition that he call when he couldn't make it and that he not be drunk at work.  He turned out to be a surprisingly good employee.  However he also became homeless at one point.  Sure I felt sorry for him.  I discussed it in earnest with a friend.  My other employees were surprised and wanted me to say something to him.  They insisted he had an alchohol problem.  I told them, NO he does not have a alcohol problem.  He has a place to liive problem.  He has a gas in the car problem.  But he does not have a drinking problem.  He's drinking just fine and seems to have money for that.  I told them that the real issue is that the priorities in his life were arranged "1. Be Drunk, 2. Everything else". 

It's an addiction when the behavior occupies the top slot and is more important than anything else.  I like to fuck.  I personally find it simpler to go to the bathhouse.  That does not make me a sex addict.  No more than you going out for a beer makes you a drunk.  If my life revolved around getting laid and I would spend my last $10 on it vs. eating or meds.... than yes "Houston we have a problem."

Part of the challenge we have in Gay society is that there is no tolerance of recreational drug use.  At least from the "judgement" side of the world.  I'm not saying I condone or encourage it... I'm just saying that if it quacks, craps, and eats like a duck than it's probably a duck.  There are some people who engage in binge behavior from time to time.  It's not behavior I would engage in.... but it doesn't make them an addict because they use meth and get fucked silly 2 times a year.  I'm not suggesting that this should be encouraged, I'm just drawing the distinction between addiction (uncontrollable behavior) and bad recreational decisions (occassional drug use).

I'm not convinced that you are acknowledging the relationship or lack of it.  Make sure you aren't having a fantasy about a relationship with this guy instead of actually having a relationship.  It doesn't matter that he feels bad.  It matters that he changes his behavior so he doesn't have to feel bad.  "I feel bad" is what I tell people when their package is lost or delayed by FedEx.  It really translates into, "Gosh that sucks you won the you're screwed lotto.... rub the bottle and ask the genie for another wish?"

Remember my line about sorting your problems.  I'll be blunt. YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE.  You can give them an incentive to change, you can punish them if they don't, you can cut them off, you can be mean.... but you cannot change someone who does not want change.  You cannot help someone who does not want help, usually because they don't want to change.

Sometimes I tend to get wrapped up in the fantasy of having a relationship over the reality of someone who isn't interested.  I also find that if I just focus on being friends, the guys come around.  I used to be obsessed with finding someone to date.  I came to the conclusion that it was stupid to think I could live one way, meet a guy and suddenly live some other way.  The result of this realization was that it was critical to be happy with life and do what mattered to me and what I enjoyed.  In doing so I'm alot more likely to meet someone who shares my values and enjoys what I enjoy.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline Tar Heel

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2008, 08:34:07 PM »
One of the hardest things to accept in this life is that you can't control someone's behavior.

"So much has been given to me that I have no time to ponder on that which has been denied." ~ Helen Keller

Offline Cliff

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #15 on: November 28, 2008, 08:54:15 AM »
I'm with Texas.  You've got a great head on your shoulder, but it all goes for naught when you meet a guy.  True for lots of us, but you're always talking about saving and helping troubled guys.  I think you should consider putting your superhero days behind you.

Glad you made a decision.  And glad you realise that it's not an easy one and that you may take one step backwards for every two steps forward.

Good luck.

Offline next2u

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #16 on: December 19, 2008, 01:52:41 AM »
sti?

thanks guys soooo much. hot puppy, cliff, texan if we ever meet, the first one's on me.

i don't know why i do this. i've been doing this since high school. ive always done this and it has never worked out. but it did help me forge some great relationships with some good people.

i need to change this behavior. i will work with my therapist. also, my therapist and most my friends want him out. i do too. unfortunately, when he's here im not alone. before he came i could spend all weekend without uttering a word. outside of work i'd go days without seeing a friend or associate.

i also know that sometimes it is better to be alone. i also believe that now is one of those times. he has a spare set of my house keys that i did not give him. he also took 20 bucks that i did not give him permission to take. im sure he'll have a good reason. im sure i won't need a good one to ask him to move out.

trust is vital. it has been tested and lost. but i still don't want to be alone and i know (at least for now) he will always come back. its this fucked codependency where i dont have to worry about him leaving and i wrap that shit up with the whole he needs me crap and im doing a good thing only to be used like a fucking doormat. but at least someone IS using me. someone noticed me. and in a fucked way he gets what he needs to. this shit is really unhealthy.

which is why someone has to be human enough to stop it. to say i care by saying no more. dunno, it makes since to me. this is a really cathartic experience, typing all this shit out. its cool if yall don't read it, just dont throw this shit in my face. also, if anyone recognizes who im typing about or your identify me, just keep it to yourself - please.

thanks again everyone for your support. im sure this will be over soon (and on to the next mistake).

besos,
-yo
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2008, 02:12:44 AM »
Honey,
  It's better to be alone than in a bad relationship.  If you need a companion, get a cat or dog.  It gives unconditional love and is much cheaper than a pet man (or woman).

  Seriously, I know how you feel.  I get lonely and bored, especially around the Holidays.  I would like nothing better than to have a boyfriend who enjoys some of the same things I enjoy.  Especially going sailing.  lol.

  I will not however put my life on hold, hold my breath, or settle for someone I'm not attracted to or whose behavior is unacceptable.  You have to love yourself before someone else will love you.

  A friend of mine has a name for what you are doing.  Captain Save-A-Ho.  Get a Pet.  It's cheaper. 

Hugz!
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline next2u

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  • Posts: 1,762
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2008, 02:49:01 AM »
hot pup,

i so took your advice. he just texted me for a ride. i told him no. it was the first time in 2 months i havent been his knight in shining armor/doormat. at first i got kinda scared cause i might have made him without shelter for a night or possibly sent him to the bathhouse/tweakers.

then i realized those were his choices, just like it was his choice to leave to wherever tonight. i came home from an 11 hour work day, ate dinner, watched a movie and crashed. he chose not to be here. you are right, i do have power and there are other options.

dude, seriously, thanks for the support and candor, i really appreciate it.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #19 on: December 21, 2008, 03:12:18 PM »
ps.  he is a sex addict and he needs help.  he may not be ready for it and he may not want it but he does have to face it.  i am talking from personal experience.  it is a mixture of self-hate and low self-esteem.  try sitting him down and really talking to him without judgement.  tell him you love him and that you are willing to help him.  he may love you but the addiction has control and was there first.  he needs help to overcome its strength over his weakness.  it is not easy and it takes months to bring up his self-esteem and self-love.  in the end it is up to you if you think he is worth it.  good luck

Sex addict or not, he should face up to the consequences of his actions, on himself, strangers, and you.  One can be a sex addict and be safe sex, afterall.  You must protect yourself from feeling hurt about his actions, so break it off romantically and sexually, but ask him if he wants your friendship, love and support.  Tell him why you love him, and make sure it has nothing to do with how much he is sex on a stick.  Good luck
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline next2u

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2008, 04:17:45 AM »
true that merch.

thanks. and he is a lot of sex on a stick. yeah, i plan on cutting the sex off. i plan on asking him to move out. unfortunately, i have a lot of speculation to go on and no concrete evidence. this makes me doubt my decisions. he is only fucking up his own life right now.

i worry about him less and less when he is gone. he is also doing a better job with communicating to me his movements. and i found the key. i may have spent the dough, i really don't remember. he wont' help as much as id like but he never actually lied to me.

there are still a ton of problems.

i really dunno what to do about this one.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline AndyArrow

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2008, 08:59:37 AM »

he is only fucking up his own life right now.


Sounds like he's fucking up your life too ... at the very least making you put your life on hold.  You really have to decide exactly what type of relationship you want to have with him.  Seems like he is happy with the way things are so if you aren't you have to be the one to change things.  Let him know from this point on you are just friends/roommates.  Keep setting those boundaries and saying "no".  Find out exactly how he feels and what he wants & expects.

It's great to have faith in people as long as you remember you can't save everyone. 
"Faith is under the left nipple" - just don't let him break yours.


Good Luck with whatever you decide!
AA
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #22 on: December 26, 2008, 07:39:58 PM »
The co-dependent crap is hard to break, so take care and be strong...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #23 on: December 27, 2008, 01:20:31 AM »
I often divide my relationships into the "friend" and "boyfriend" menu.  I liken it to the menu at Wendy's.  Friends are on the 99cent side, boyfriends are the deluxe side.

Hanging out is in the 99cent menu provided it doesn't interfere with my life or plans.

Saving your ass more than once is not on the 99cent menu.
Making out, having sex, etc... are not on the 99cent menu. 

My point here is that I expect more when I give more.  If you aren't willing to invest or give back to me then I'm not going to do the same for you.  Of course, I'm still single.... lol, and probably will be for a while.  That's okay.  I have two dogs and a cat that provide me with attention.  Ask for what you want.  Negotiate when you disagree. 

You deserve someone who values you and appreciates what you do for him.  Someone who goes out of their way for you as much as you do for him.  Don't settle for less. Ever! 

It's also helpful to remember how men think.  Guys don't appreciate what they can have easily.  Be a cat.  Be just out of reach, but available, on your terms.  Don't be too distant... after all really-hard-to-get never gets-got. 

About a year ago I got tired of chasing the "crowd" and started doing my own thing.  I'll meet the guy that's right for me doing what I enjoy.  I won't have to worry about if he likes the same things because he'll be doing what I like.  I spend my time focusing on things I enjoy and hanging out with people who have similar values.  People who are not drunk, not high, and who have respect for others. 

I have nothing against those who choose to be drunk, or choose to be high.  Those are just not choices for me and they are incompatible with my lifestyle.  I wish those people the best of luck in finding happiness and joy. 
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline next2u

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #24 on: December 29, 2008, 03:47:25 AM »
well put hotpuppy and friends.

you are right. things are definitely on the deluxe side of crap. he just came back after a nine day mission. im at my wits end. my heart feels safe and i had an entire speech prepared for him. i was typing it out (so i wouldn't lose the anger) when he came back. he burst into the house crying and shivering. i didnt say anything for a while but his sobbing did not cease.

after a while i asked him what was wrong. his hands were bloodied and he couldnt stop shaking. he eventually told me random details from tonight. i am not prepared to broach the other 9 days nor do i want details.

we will resume talks about other living situations tomorrow. i do care but i no longer care to be captain save a ho. i want to help him, but he needs to help himself.

as you stated earlier, i have invested time and other emotional resources into him. he has not made good on that investment and that will not be ignored. this is brand new territory for me. unfortunately, he needs more than i can offer him and he has no where to go. my mom was the only person who gave him a xmas gift this year. i (beside the people he was off with) was the only one who know where he was. and i (outside of one other person) truly believe i was the only one cared.

i understand that the original plan we designed was flawed. i was prepared to enter into a new agreement with him but the length of time he was gone has made me think differently. unfortunately, when he came back tonight in his state of utter fuckedupedness my thoughts changed.

i really dont know what i am going to do. sending him off into the cold in 7 days wont help him or me in a good way. having him stay with me longer may not resolve things either. talking with him hasnt caused a noteable change in behavior. i cant make him care so i no longer want to take the time. the best option is him  in a different living situation where professionals can handle his issues and help him achieve his goals.

i can definitely say im way in over my head. we havent had sex in three weeks. i am also beginning to question the nature of our friendship. the substantive part, the meat & potatoes, is not there. i mean, i know more about his current activities than anyone and i know things about him no one does. and vice versa. but the exchange, the return investment, is not there. i don't know if it is the age/life/experience differences, but that rapport is not well developed. and i dont think i can build it and i also don't want to do it alone. i don't want to delve into social norms and basic respect with him.

he hasn't had a solid living situation in a couple of years. i have. he doesnt have a social network. i do. but ive also done a lot of the shit he is doing. and somehow i feel that a part of me will never forgive myself if i ask him to leave knowing he has no where to go. i'll feel like ive given up on something ive started, that i know is important (that's captain save a ho speaking).

there is also a part of me that will not ask others for advice when i know they'll tell me to stop and put him out. i understand why they are right, but i feel (lets just say it's more of a haunting conviction) less than human turning my back on him. it just seems like a lack of humanity, a lack of compassion. it is so much easier (not really, but u know what i am saying) to walk away and wash our hands. how are things gonna get better for any of us (i know, we have to care about ourselves and shit) if other's don't care, dont help when they can? maybe this isn't my problem to own.

anyhow, i have to be up for work in 6 hours. hes in the other room still gathering himself. i can now sleep when he's not here. i dont call or text him anymore when he is gone.

one last thing. the last time i evicted someone i ended up catching hiv 2 months later. i am certain if that person were still with me my life would be drastically different. trust me, that plays out in my head a lot. im not one for karma or fate, but damn, damn, damn. i just can't tell what is a right decision from where i stand. i know what would make my life better in the near future, but what about my soul (i wish i could use a better word, that sounds so cheesy)? why do i do what i do? is it to protect myself and have necessities or is to help make my life and the lives of others around me better. dude, uggh, my brain needs to stop.

why did this happen to us? 

btw, if you read all of this, you are most awesome. just another late night rant.

happy new year!
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Gs87s

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  • Posts: 9
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #25 on: December 31, 2008, 01:38:24 AM »
hey i hope my response is not out of line i sometimes have a hard time saying things the right way.  i mean no disrespect. 
Reading this made me sick to my stomach....  i was in a similiar situation,  I had a f/b and we agreed to be safe with others and i always had the conversation and find out that he was attending bathhouse's and to this day he says he is Neg but like it was previous states in the post....u have to assume everyone in a bathhouse is positive.  And the shear fact that he refuses to get tested just tells me that he as done enough hoeing around that deep with in himself he knows he's poz....maybe just scared to see it on paper...and he's heavily into drugs....this was a while ago and i have detached myself from him. 

i think detaching yourself with someone like that may be the better choice.  I agree with what u said...  as a positive person i feel i have a responibility for safer sex.   I believe the resposibility is the same whether your neg or poz....  Knowledge is power and we have the knowledge to inform others of our status and ppl whom are presumed to be neg have a responsiblity to get tested regularly to help stop further spread the virus... your friend should either use condoms or be open about his status.  doing neither shows destructive behavior...it not a good way to live.   Turning a blind eye is how i became pozitive and how many ppl do.  Its good to see that u dont do that..and im sorry to see that your friend does....

Hope i didnt overstep with anything i said :-)

Offline next2u

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  • Posts: 1,762
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #26 on: December 31, 2008, 12:52:52 PM »
gs87s,

thanks dude. nah, everything you are saying is cool.

ive decided to have the final talk with him today. its gonna be the talk we had when he first moved in 2 1/2 months ago. its gonna be the one that ends with "even though i still believe in you i can no longer have you staying with me."

it is unfortunate. ill ask him to be out by january 5th. if an institution opens up within in a week  after the 5th he can stay longer but only if there is an immediate exit in place. if not, its to the streets or some person he does drugs with.

now dude will still be a pal. im not gonna give him up cold turkey, i just dont want him staying here any longer. i may still help him out with transportation and moral support. he may be able to stay with me again in the distant future. but for now he's burned too many bridges and im starting not to care.

a line was crossed, redrawn, then crossed and redrawn multiple times. the accompanying attitude and lack of mutual support are adding fuel to the fire.

everyone, happy new years!!!
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline next2u

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2009, 12:15:20 AM »
update...

anyhow, he was out again. i had come home from another 10 hour day at work to a shit stained toilet. seriously. i had been building up the nerve for a few days to confront him over it. i had asked him every morning for 2 days to clean it.

then he was gone. i figured he went out one again. i hadn't told him about the phone call and my new hcv diagnosis. i was planning on it but his world was already fucked. so he called yesterday after being gone for two days. i told him i needed to talk to him. he said why. i said "when you come by to pick up some stuff plan on picking up other things because you can no longer stay with me."

he got a little irate with me on the phone. then he came by and i spoke with him. we sat down and talked for a little while. he packed some of his stuff, got in a car with one of the old tweekers who fucks him all night and that was that.

but really, it wasnt. ive noticed him not being here. a part of me wants him to come back. i hate being alone. when he was here i felt better. i cooked more, cleaned more, looked forward to coming home. now it's just quiet. all the time. empty. and i'm worried about him. i assume he'll be okay and this all will pass. i just dont want to fall back into my old habits. also, i dont want him to lose touch or be worse off.

i will still be here for him and a lot of his stuff is still here. and im conflicted. i just want to be friends and hang out occasionally. i need to find another person to live with me also. it kinda makes me feel whole (and i clean more : ))

on a side note, at least he didnt off himself. he called this morning for a ride (at 6 am). i asked him to call back later and he hasnt. i hope to see him on tuesday so we can go to a shelter. we still have a lot of work to do. and i also told him i was coinfected and he needed to get tested. unfortunately, we had a lot of sex and i am sure he was exposed. if not, he was the person i picked it up from.

and on a good note - he is using condoms more often with his sexual partners. as for me, being coinfected means i will be using condoms indefinitely. its weird, i had my first unprotected sexual experience (all the way) in jan 07 and for the prior 10 years used condoms exclusively. i don't understand why i am so hung up on them now.

have a good one.
-d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Basquo

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  • Posts: 3,258
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2009, 02:10:34 AM »
d-

I teased you about kittens before but if you are really needing someone to be dependent on you I suggest a cat. I know that sounds trifling but there's a difference between burning bridges and blowing them up, and I think your bridges have definitely been terrorized by dude. A cat, on the other hand, will wake you up with affection and a need for food, not drama and a need for a ride.  And you will always know where that kitty is (even if he/she's hiding.)

I'm serious about this. I'm not a psych person, but I've had pets that stuck by me when the husbands (or FBs) didn't. I retrieved a beloved pet that a partner made me get rid of, once I was rid of the partner.

Best,
Creighton

Offline red_Dragon888

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  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2009, 01:11:01 PM »
yeah, it sound like you need to direct your affections somewhere so why not a cat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline hikeandbikedude

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  • Posts: 13
  • June 2009
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #30 on: January 19, 2009, 01:15:02 PM »
Hey next2u - quite a story you have unfolding there. I'm so proud of you for making bold choices with your life - it's tough to go it alone, but it sounds like you are so much better off without this guy.

Hang in there hold the line with what you would like for your life - it will get better over time. :)
"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline InChicagoNow

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    • Scott Free CDs
Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #31 on: January 20, 2009, 10:39:49 AM »
Hey Next2u,

Just wanted to let you know that I really understand the battle you are having within yourself about what the "right" thing to do is.  I had a very similar situation with a boyfriend who was addicted to meth, and didn't want to get help.  Of course he said he wanted to get help, but what else are they gonna say?  I tend to think of myself as a pretty rational person, but I was more confused than I'd ever been in my life over what the "right" thing to do was.  I am not religious, but I am spiritual.  And, I thought that God has trusted me with this person, and that I'd be really failing God, myself, and my boyfriend if I bailed on him.  I thought that I would be giving up on something I started, taking the easy way out, showing a lack of compassion, etc...  Fortunately, my job took me out of the situation and out of the state permanently.  I'm very thankful for that now, because I don't know if I would have had the strength to simply leave him.  I have realized over time and distance that, of course, you must think of yourself first.  You cannot help someone who doesn't want help - although they may say they want help (and I believe that they believe what they are saying), but their actions will show you their true intentions.  You also cannot, like I did, assume that you know what your purpose in their life is.  Most likely, you weren't put there to save the person's life.  You were probably put there to play some part in their journey (whatever that may be), that you may or may not ever understand.  The best way you can play that part, and the best way you can help your friend is to be a good example.  Show him that a mature, responsible adult with self-respect does not allow himself to be mistreated, disrespected, or taken advantage of.  Unfortunately, many people like this must learn their lessons in large part by what they are losing from their lives.  Alot of people talk about "hitting rock-bottom" with addictions, etc...  I think there may be something to that, although everyone's "rock-bottom" is different.  When I was told that I was preventing my boyfriend from hitting rock-bottom... from really feeling what it was like to start losing everything that was important to him, thereby enabling his behavior and his addiction - I finally got it.  Then I realized that I had done the right thing by leaving.  That certainly didn't make it any less painful.  It is still the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  It's been 3yrs, and I still worry about him, think of him frequently, and have found it difficult to move on because of the guilt I've felt.  Still, I know in my heart that I did the right thing.  "Tough love" is supposedly called that because it's tough on the person receiving it.  I, however, believe that it's just as hard (if not harder) on the person giving it.  I'm certain you already know and will do the right thing for yourself.  I just wanted you to know that there are people out there, like me, that understand that knowing it's the right thing doesn't make it any easier.  It's a painful situation no matter what you do.  Hang in there, and don't hesitate to pm me if you wanna talk about it.  I know that I certainly got to a point where I knew that none of my friends really understood, and that they were just sick of hearing it. 

You will pull through this!

Take care!

Scott
« Last Edit: January 20, 2009, 12:59:11 PM by InChicagoNow »
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Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #32 on: January 20, 2009, 09:25:02 PM »
Best statement yet:  I have realized over time and distance that, of course, you must think of yourself first.  You cannot help someone who doesn't want help - although they may say they want help (and I believe that they believe what they are saying), but their actions will show you their true intentions.

Run, run like the wind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

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Offline next2u

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2009, 01:00:31 AM »
wow scott, u summed that up rather nicely. i still feel conflicted over this but i am getting over it. i am not getting over him. instead, im getting over my guilt for evicting him. he is running amuck and i can't lose what i have worked very had to have. i already picked up another virus and im sure things would have been different had he not entered the picture.

i really like your entire post. i felt like i had written myself! it means the world to know that u have been through this and u have taken the time out of your day to relate your situation to me.

red dragon, thank you for the support as well.

yeah, the dude is a bastard. i picked him up yesterday so he could shower and grab more of his shit. he had the audacity to bitch at me when i dropped him off at the park. i guess we are at two different places in our lives. i know i dont want him to live with me and i hope my role in his life quickly abates. i am working on severing ties with him. his problems & dreams are his and his alone.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #34 on: January 21, 2009, 06:47:38 PM »
I wish you luck, but you are better off leaving the state if possible rather than fighting with your conflicted emotions.  As long as you are near him, the more entangled you will get.  I was in a similar situation where my ex was controlling, needy, bitchy, abusive, jealous and insensitive.  My luck was that he had to go back to Canada and eventhough he wanted me to go and live with him, I realized that he was no good for me.  I still feel for him but thank to all that is wise and good I was strong and determine not to make the mistake to fall for his fake apologies and bloody lies.  Now I know that I had made the right decision and I am better off for it. 
« Last Edit: January 21, 2009, 06:59:57 PM by red_Dragon888 »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #35 on: January 22, 2009, 11:32:44 PM »
« Last Edit: January 22, 2009, 11:34:35 PM by red_Dragon888 »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline mopos

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #36 on: January 23, 2009, 11:41:00 PM »
next2U Please  understand  that  the  first  person  you  have  to  look  out after  is  yourself.  Years ago  I  used  to  spend  all  my  spare  time  trying  to  help  others.  It  seemed  that  some  people  the  more  I  tried  to  help  them  ,    the  more  help  they  wanted.   It  finally  got  to   the  point  that  I  had  to  make  a choice.  Helping everyone  else  was  getting  to  the  point  it  was  coming at  the expense  of  my  family  and  my self,  both  financially  and  mentally.   I  finally  realized  this  and  decided  I  had  to quit.  It  was  hard and  I  have  struggled  with  it  for  20    years.    Physically  I   couldn't  do  the  all  hours  work   for  the  fire department  any   more and  time wise  I  couldn't  fix  every   one  elses  problems  any  more.   I  had  an  obligation  to  myself, my  4  kids  and  my  wife  first.   Eventually all  these  ever  growing  number  of  people  learned  to   take   care  of  there  own  problems.   My  wife  calls  it  a tough   love  that   helps  the  others  end  their  own  dependency  on   (  or  addiction)  others  to  do  for  them.  We are  still  charitable.  We  give  to  churches  and  food   pantries,   we  donate  our  unused  meds   so  they  can  be  given  to  others  in   need,   we  donate  our  old  clothes  but  it  is  all  on  our  terms and not  contributing  to  others addictions  or  dependencies  and  we  are  happier  and  less   stressed  for  it.    We  have  fewer  "friends"   but  the  stress  level   is  much  lower and  believe  me,   we  all   know  what  kind  of stress having   full  blown   aids  can  give  you.  Do  YOURSELF  A FAVOR,   put  yourself  first.   If  your  buddy  cared  enough about  you,    he would  also  be  putting  YOU   first.   My  wife  puts  me  first.  I  put  her  first.  That  is  what a real  relationship  is. We are  willing and  do  make  sacrifises  for  each  other.  I  know  what it is  like  to  be  lonely,   but  the  relationship  you  are  in   is  unhealthy  in  more  ways  than  one.  I  had almost  given  up  on  ever  finding  true  love  but one  day  it  came.  I    have a  son  that  is  well  into  his  thirties  and  has  been   in  many  failed  relationships.  I   pray  one  day  he  will  finally  find  that  person  that  will  unconditionally  care   for  him  as  much as  he  does  them.  A real  relationship  is  one  where each  person  has  the  other  person's  best  welfare  at  heart. Your  buddy  doesn't   love  you  enough  to  have  your  best  welfare at  heart.  IT  IS a 2  way  street.  Take  heart.  God  will  bless you.  It  will  be a struggle.  been  there  &  know  the ache,  but  you  will  better  off  and  hopefully  it  will be   the  nudge  he  needs  to  become a  better   man.  Some   people  have  to   hit  bottom.  Pray   he doesn't  have  to,   but  also  know,   on  the  route  he  is  going if  he is  going  to  hit   bottom  and  if  he  is  that kind  of  person,   nothing  you can  do  will  prevent  it,   he  will  do  it  whether  you  help  him  or  not.  Don't  compromise  your  own  safety and well being.  I   have 5 decades  of  experience  to  back  up  what  I  am  telling  you.  Unfortunately  ,  I  never  had  anyone  to  teach  me.  I   had  to  learn  it  on  my  own.  Good  luck,   You  are  among  people  who  care.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2009, 10:35:29 PM by mopos »

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #37 on: January 25, 2009, 08:56:16 AM »
next2U Please  understand  that  the  first  person  you  have  to  look  out after  is  yourself.  Years ago  I  used  to  spend  all  my  spare  time  trying  to  help  others.  It  seemed  that  some  people  the  more  I  tried  to  help  ... of  experience  to  back  up  what  I  am  telling  you.  Unfortunately  ,  I  never  had  anyone  to  teach  me.  I   had  to  learn  it  on  my  own.  Good  luck,   You  are  among  people  who  care.

Sometime life is for learning.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxtn6-XQupM
« Last Edit: January 25, 2009, 08:59:19 AM by red_Dragon888 »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline next2u

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #38 on: January 28, 2009, 10:03:04 AM »
thanks red & mopos,

yeah, dude don't live with me no more. he stayed the night friday but left again to live at his new place on saturday. we left on good terms. by good terms i mean we got over another argument and i came to an understanding that he won't be staying with me any more and i won't be going out of my way for him : ).

dude is a good guy but he has some serious demons to exorcise. and i have mine. like you alluded to earlier mopos, he has to help himself. ive heard the im gonna change line 5 different times in 5 different situations and damn near 5 different versions!

thank you again for your support. i have more information to forward to him but im gonna wait for him to call then ill give it to him. my proactive days of work are done. its a shame, a lot of our mutual friends have no way of getting a hold of him (his new person doesn't have a phone) and they ask me how he is doing. i tell everyone that he doesn't live with me and i assume he is doing well. then i correct myself, tell them i dont know but we will eventually find out.

hey, im trying not to be the fool for too long : )

ill tell you this much. i am waking up earlier. i havent been drinking or whoring as much (the whoring part wasn't the problem). ive been working out more, sleeping more and have generally been feeling better. my guilt has subsided and i dont worry about dude or anything as much. its too early to say if this is lasting but im definitely off to a good start. now i just gotta incorporate this hcv shit into the pic.

have a great day!'
d
« Last Edit: January 28, 2009, 10:07:42 AM by next2u »
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #39 on: January 28, 2009, 02:41:01 PM »
Well, I am glad you finally put out the trash. I know that may sound harsh but from what I have read here and what we discussed, I definitely feel like dude was a squatter who was getting benefits from you, if you feel me. You can't help anybody until they choose to help themselves. And now look, he found another victim to shack up with. We all have our demons to deal with so I don't think he should be using that as an excuse. I say good riddance and since you have gotten rid of him, you have been doing much better. Remember, you can do bad by yourself, you don't need help. Something my Ma Dukes use to tell me and I learned what she meant and it has stuck by me ever since.....I am happy you have regained your independence.... :-*
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
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6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
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Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i have a fb & some fucked shit
« Reply #40 on: January 30, 2009, 04:49:25 AM »
The guy is a user and a loser.  He will make your life miserable and not give a dam.  You are better off without him and you must focus all your energy to forget him and get on with your life.  I repeat...  forget him, forget him, forget him...  Ofcourse, that was easy for me cause once I feel that a guy I am interested in is not good for me, that is when I decide that I must learn from the experience and move on.  May I also advise you to read "When I say no I feel Guilty."  It teaches you how to not become a sucker when Mr. Wrong is in your life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BSBe42Fb48&feature=related

p.s.  if that is him in your picture, get rid of it already.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2009, 05:06:13 AM by red_Dragon888 »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

 


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