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Author Topic: So lost, so scared...  (Read 4252 times)

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Offline lusopt

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
So lost, so scared...
« on: November 06, 2008, 05:04:31 AM »
Hello, Im 26, from Portugal..

Last week I made a blood routine test, and it was Positive for HIV, I dont know how can i express what i felt, and what i feel, i cryed like i never did fore. Im scared, im in panic, im lost, my only thoughts are directed to death and cancer diseases, for how long im going to survive, what kind of life will i have untill some viral infection take me away, will i start to get thiner and looking like im unhealthy?

I was too shocked, too paniqued, to listen the doctor, i couldnŽt think normal, I was too afraid to ask or to get answers i didnt wanted to hear... Im so desmotivated, felling that its not necessary to think anymore at the future, because i wont have one.

Today i made blood tests to be sure of the last results, viral charge (dont know if its the right word), resistances etc... and im only going to see the results and the doctor 18/11... Dont know if i should tell something to my father and mother, fact is that i feel lonly. I have a partner and i already told him, and i know he is going to leave me one day, i dont have any sexual desire, and i dont know for how long I will it be like this.
 
Thank you all, and good luck for everyone like me.  :'(
15/11/06: HIV-
28/10/08: HIV +
- No Meds -
18/11/08: CD4 -650 (.......)  / -17.500 VL
01/03/09: CD4- 540 (19,6%) / - 2090 VL
17/07/09: CD4 -603 (20,1%) / - 5040 VL
27/10/09: CD4 -627 (21,5%) / - 10.896 VL
25/03/10: CD4 -609 (23,9%) / -11.602 VL
12/09/10: CD4 -555 (........) / - 55.500 VL
21/04/11: CD4 -466 (17%)   / - 50.339 VL
01/10/11: CD4 -375 (19%)   / - 73.058 VL

Started, Epzicom and Sustiva
01/02/12: CD4 -298 (23%)   / - undetectable

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2008, 06:46:54 AM »
You're not positive until the test is confirmed.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2008, 09:16:25 AM »
lusopt,

As Rodney says, you need to wait and see if your hiv diagnosis is confirmed. The initial test can sometimes return a FALSE positive result and this is why the initial test must be confirmed with a Western Blot test. I'd hold off on telling anyone else until you know for sure.

In the meantime, have a look through the Lessons section of this website, particularly the one on Hiv Testing.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline lusopt

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2008, 09:38:46 AM »
The chances of being negative are too low... all of you know that. But thanks anyway for trying to give me some hope.

Ann im not yet ready to read more about this, it scares me, iŽll freak out for sure.

15/11/06: HIV-
28/10/08: HIV +
- No Meds -
18/11/08: CD4 -650 (.......)  / -17.500 VL
01/03/09: CD4- 540 (19,6%) / - 2090 VL
17/07/09: CD4 -603 (20,1%) / - 5040 VL
27/10/09: CD4 -627 (21,5%) / - 10.896 VL
25/03/10: CD4 -609 (23,9%) / -11.602 VL
12/09/10: CD4 -555 (........) / - 55.500 VL
21/04/11: CD4 -466 (17%)   / - 50.339 VL
01/10/11: CD4 -375 (19%)   / - 73.058 VL

Started, Epzicom and Sustiva
01/02/12: CD4 -298 (23%)   / - undetectable

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2008, 09:44:03 AM »
lusopt,

Your chance of being negative is only low if you've been having unprotected receptive intercourse with a person or persons of unknown hiv status. You never mentioned what your risk was. You also never mentioned if your boyfriend also regularly tests. Are you sure of his hiv status?

I would advise you to at least read through the testing lesson so you can have an understanding of the tests being run on you.

Again, good luck and keep us posted.

Ann
« Last Edit: November 06, 2008, 09:45:36 AM by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline lusopt

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2008, 10:37:02 AM »
i started one relationship a few days before doing the last blood test (hiv-), 2 years have passed and we broke up 2 times, period when i met 2 guys, and had sexual relation with them always with condom, but always had oral sex unprotected, sometimes we started a penetration without condom for like 5 minutes, just for teasing, but never had direct contact with semen.  My BF doesnt remember the last time he made blood tests, we always used protection, but one condom "broked" inside...

So yes, i had sexual risk behaviours.

But the truth is that iŽve never had sinthoms... but that only appear in 50% probability
« Last Edit: November 06, 2008, 11:11:52 AM by lusopt »
15/11/06: HIV-
28/10/08: HIV +
- No Meds -
18/11/08: CD4 -650 (.......)  / -17.500 VL
01/03/09: CD4- 540 (19,6%) / - 2090 VL
17/07/09: CD4 -603 (20,1%) / - 5040 VL
27/10/09: CD4 -627 (21,5%) / - 10.896 VL
25/03/10: CD4 -609 (23,9%) / -11.602 VL
12/09/10: CD4 -555 (........) / - 55.500 VL
21/04/11: CD4 -466 (17%)   / - 50.339 VL
01/10/11: CD4 -375 (19%)   / - 73.058 VL

Started, Epzicom and Sustiva
01/02/12: CD4 -298 (23%)   / - undetectable

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2008, 10:44:35 AM »
You are not positive until your test is confirmed.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2008, 11:33:23 AM »
lusopt,

I'd say you've got a good chance of this being a false positive. Make sure you read through the Testing Lesson I linked you to earlier so you can understand the tests you've been given and so you know to make sure you've been confirmed with a Western Blot test.

Good luck, keep us posted.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline lusopt

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #8 on: November 06, 2008, 11:58:05 AM »
Thanks, Im not sure if the tests i made today are called western blot, its probably the same thing, well lets wait for day 18...

Thanks both :-[
15/11/06: HIV-
28/10/08: HIV +
- No Meds -
18/11/08: CD4 -650 (.......)  / -17.500 VL
01/03/09: CD4- 540 (19,6%) / - 2090 VL
17/07/09: CD4 -603 (20,1%) / - 5040 VL
27/10/09: CD4 -627 (21,5%) / - 10.896 VL
25/03/10: CD4 -609 (23,9%) / -11.602 VL
12/09/10: CD4 -555 (........) / - 55.500 VL
21/04/11: CD4 -466 (17%)   / - 50.339 VL
01/10/11: CD4 -375 (19%)   / - 73.058 VL

Started, Epzicom and Sustiva
01/02/12: CD4 -298 (23%)   / - undetectable

Offline lusopt

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2008, 07:59:34 AM »
HI, once again.

I just receiveid yesterday the results, yes its confirmed, im +. The good news is that my cd4 are still high above 650 and the viral load is low, so i wont need to take any meds for now. If i get it right, i only need to start meds when my cd4 numbers are = 350 (is that the same for all?). Well im happy with such a little thing, after all, i will need to take them sooner or later.

Lets see how i can handle this, iŽve been silent these days but i camed here almost every day, and i need to thank you all, for the information showed and the strengh given.

15/11/06: HIV-
28/10/08: HIV +
- No Meds -
18/11/08: CD4 -650 (.......)  / -17.500 VL
01/03/09: CD4- 540 (19,6%) / - 2090 VL
17/07/09: CD4 -603 (20,1%) / - 5040 VL
27/10/09: CD4 -627 (21,5%) / - 10.896 VL
25/03/10: CD4 -609 (23,9%) / -11.602 VL
12/09/10: CD4 -555 (........) / - 55.500 VL
21/04/11: CD4 -466 (17%)   / - 50.339 VL
01/10/11: CD4 -375 (19%)   / - 73.058 VL

Started, Epzicom and Sustiva
01/02/12: CD4 -298 (23%)   / - undetectable

Offline jayjax

  • Member
  • Posts: 83
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #10 on: November 22, 2008, 07:51:33 PM »
Lusopt,

Thank you for sharing your fears with us all.  We have all been there and working through this change in our life.  We're here for you and all the support your need.  There is a wealth of information and friends you can rely on.  Don't give up the fight!  It's only begun.

Keep in touch.

Jayjax
08 Oct 08:  Diagnosed
18 Oct 08:  1st Lab Work: CD4 - 268, VL 7,000
18 Nov 08:  Started Atripla
28 Jan 09:   CD4 - 195, VL 70
05 May 09:  CD4 - 201, VL = Undetectable
16 Aug 09: CD4 - 235, VL = Undetectable
30 Nov 09 CD4 - 300, VL = Undetectable
30 Mar 10 CD4 - 305, VL = Undetectable
27 Jul 10 CD4 -  301, VL = 100
13 Aug 10 -- Switched to Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
30 Sep 10 --  CD4 598, VL = Undetectable

Offline lusopt

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Re: So lost, so scared...
« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2008, 06:10:55 PM »
Thanks for the kind words, thought nobody was going to say nothing, it meant a lot to me.
Im depressed but confident.
It scares me to think, how life will be for now on.

Thanks a lot, you "guys" are helping a lot already.
15/11/06: HIV-
28/10/08: HIV +
- No Meds -
18/11/08: CD4 -650 (.......)  / -17.500 VL
01/03/09: CD4- 540 (19,6%) / - 2090 VL
17/07/09: CD4 -603 (20,1%) / - 5040 VL
27/10/09: CD4 -627 (21,5%) / - 10.896 VL
25/03/10: CD4 -609 (23,9%) / -11.602 VL
12/09/10: CD4 -555 (........) / - 55.500 VL
21/04/11: CD4 -466 (17%)   / - 50.339 VL
01/10/11: CD4 -375 (19%)   / - 73.058 VL

Started, Epzicom and Sustiva
01/02/12: CD4 -298 (23%)   / - undetectable

 


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