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Author Topic: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb  (Read 5901 times)

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Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« on: November 03, 2008, 09:49:43 AM »
I dont even know where to post this as I am still processing this news. Chris wasnt a close friend but he was the lover of a close friend and was someone I shared many dinners with, and evenings out on the town. Now he is gone. I am just so sad. I didnt learn of his death until I read the Obituary in PGN this weekend.
http://epgn.p2ionline.com/Flip/Sitebase/data/editions/151410/img/large/2084801.htm
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Alain

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • I am.
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2008, 09:52:58 AM »
{{{Joel}}},

You are having more then your share of bad news lately.

I am sorry that you have to go through theses times and I really feel for you.

Sad :( as well.

Take care, Alain :-*

Offline dixieman

  • Member
  • Posts: 889
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2008, 10:10:38 AM »
I'm sorry to hear about your loss of a friend. Suicide is a very difficult situtation to deal with... its always What If? only if I spoke to them? Maybe if we could have talked? its an emotional roller-coaster... unfortunately I've been in the same situation many times ...sincerely, John

Offline AlanBama

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  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2008, 10:22:06 AM »
Sorry for the loss of your friend Joel.  It never gets any easier, does it?

hugs,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline leatherman

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  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2008, 11:03:50 AM »
that is very sad news, Joel, and I am so sorry to hear about another loss in your life. Sometimes it's not easy being an LTS when you keep losing friends or family, is it? You have my deepest sympathies my friend. Hang in there, buddy. :-*
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2008, 11:15:17 AM »
39, so young, and handsome, what a waste........... ??? he looks like he could have made someone very happy, so sad, that this young man didn't think so, and that his life didn't mean anything to him......what a shame  :'(
« Last Edit: November 03, 2008, 11:20:40 AM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,516
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2008, 12:06:06 PM »
Joel, I'm very sorry to hear that you've been touched by something like this.  Take care.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2008, 03:17:02 PM »
 :'(

**HUGS**
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2008, 09:52:05 PM »
Joel,

I'm so sorry for another loss.

A very touching and thoughtful Obit. He was very much loved my family and friends.

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
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  • Posts: 10,093
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2008, 11:32:27 PM »
Joel, please accept my condolences on such a tragic loss.  {{JOEL}}
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2008, 10:51:11 AM »
Thanks for the HUG Betty.  What I find so incredible is that even his closest friends did not know he was so depressed.  I dont believe he sought help.  See, if he had just called someone.....oh well.
Thanks Ron. He was such a sweet guy. And such a hugable BEAR!  He gave the best hugs ever.
David, thanks. Its not the first time someone I know has committed suicide. Actually there have been four including him. I'll get through it but I am really sad right now.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline sharkdiver

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2008, 07:00:57 PM »
I'm sorry to here about this Joel.

bug hugs,
Sharkie

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,430
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2008, 08:26:45 PM »
Hey Joel,

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Losing someone never gets easier.

(((((HUGS)))))

Mark

"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline AndyArrow

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,196
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2008, 06:19:38 AM »
I'm very sorry for your loss. 

Saturday, 22 November 2008 is National Survivors of Suicide Day.  There conferences all over the US and some International locations.  Info is available at http://www.afsp.org/


AA
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,365
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2008, 09:23:42 AM »
Hi Joel,

Although the obit is no longer attached to the link, I want to express my condolences to you. Suicide brings with it an odd collection of introspective thoughts, ruminating about the person's motivations. Unlike other deaths, we don't think about what chemo we could have administered, or could we have removed the ice on the road that caused the wreck. But suicide? The inner chatter early on can be unceasing...What did I miss, would they have listened to me, why such talent gone so young, what did I say, did I do anything and on and on.

I'm going to check out the link AA offered... perhaps there's something going on in my city.

Em

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #15 on: November 07, 2008, 09:57:25 AM »
From one bear to another, loss is never easy, but we must remember that now he is in peace, and no longer fighting the demons of this life. 

My thoughts are with you, and please understand, I do know how it feels.  Sure do miss those hugs...........
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #16 on: November 07, 2008, 12:19:07 PM »
Thanks Moffie.  There's going to be a party in his honor on the 22nd.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,877
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2008, 03:43:04 PM »
Dear Joel,

My deepest condolences on the loss of your friend.

As someone who has battled depression, I can tell you there was nothing anyone could have done, if your friend did not ask for help.  The power of depression is frightening and its ability to mask its existence, can make it very hard for others to see.  Suicide is sometimes the answer, for someone who is so deeply mired in depression, that they have stopped all feeling.  At this point, death can seem to be so tempting, because then the depression ends.  Above all, there is nothing you could have done to prevent his death, if he really wanted to die.  And since he was such a special person, I would think that he would not want you and your friends, to be blaming yourself for his actions.

Your friend knew he could ask for help, but he was unable because of his depression.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2008, 03:46:22 PM by killfoile »

Offline purpledragonfly

  • Member
  • Posts: 149
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2008, 04:47:44 PM »
Joel,
I am so sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel, this last Aug. my 30 yr. young nephew hung himself. We have been trying to get thru it but it is hard. I just wished he would have called one of us, maybe it would have stopped him. We will miss him but we do get to  watch him thru his daughters. They are so beautiful.
Remebering the good times does help.That plus talking that har really helped.

Wendy

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #19 on: November 27, 2008, 03:46:35 PM »
This is the final update:
Fred died yesterday.
He was peaceful.
He is at rest.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,093
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #20 on: November 27, 2008, 05:21:58 PM »
Oh, Joel, I am so so sorry.  At least Fred was peaceful during his final moments.  {{JOEL}}
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,647
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #21 on: November 27, 2008, 09:33:49 PM »
I'm sorry about your friend Joel.   Big hugs to you, my bear friend.

 :'(
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline anniebc

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,956
  • AM member since 2003
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #22 on: November 27, 2008, 09:52:25 PM »
I'm so sorry Joel.

{{{Bear Hugs}}}

Jan :'(
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,430
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #23 on: November 28, 2008, 07:49:17 AM »
I'm terribly sorry Joel.

My thoughts are with you.

HUGS,

Mark

"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Peter Staley

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  • Posts: 1,337
  • Founder & Advisory Editor, AIDSmeds.com
    • AIDSmeds.com
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #24 on: November 29, 2008, 12:30:46 PM »
Joel -- I'm so sorry for your loss.

xoxo

Peter

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,280
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Not Pain Yet, Just Numb
« Reply #25 on: November 29, 2008, 04:23:26 PM »
Joel,

My deepest sympathies go out to you.


Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 12/10/14,  t-cells are at 350,  Previous 8/25/14--- 402/ Viral load remains <40

 Current % is at 13% / Previous 8/25/14 11%

  
 63 years young.

 


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