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Author Topic: Been struggling: UPDATE  (Read 5253 times)

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Offline sweetasmeli

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Been struggling: UPDATE
« on: July 31, 2006, 05:42:02 PM »
Some of you will remember how I was fired from my teaching post last Nov, after I was outed by one of the locals here in the village. The past 8 months have been very up and down for me because of that and for other personal issues. I've been particularly struggling this past few months, feel like I've been on a slippery slope down - but because my very black moods were not constant I didnt bother posting about it.

Last night I decided to post. But I sat at my computer in tears, typing and deleting for about an hour. I just couldn't put the right words together to explain how unhappy I have been/I am. I still cant really.

The main reason I am posting tonight is to tell you what happened to me earlier and how I feel about it and to see what you think, if anything:

In a nutshell, I was approached by the mother of one of my ex-pupils from the village school. She wants me to do private lessons with her son, 4 hours a week, starting right away. And she said she will find me other pupils too. I was genuinely delighted because she wanted me specifically and had been trying to track me down for a while, so I said yes I would do it. She said she wants me to teach her son because since I left he has gone very down in his English studies.

But I'm also terrified. She doesn't know why I was fired from the school. And there is the chance she will find out.

I still have no idea who knows/doesn't know about me. It's not that I care about who knows. It's that I care about being fired/rejected again. And I know how fragile I am emotionally and how messed up I still am about being positive. I'm not sure how/if I would cope with another crisis like last time.

As pleased and excited as I felt tonight while I was talking with the mother, I could also feel my stomach starting to churn again. I do want to do this. Private tuition here is my dream job - it's what I was aiming for all along - teaching is the one thing I know I can do and I can do it well. But I'm afraid that I'm constantly going to be holding my breath, waiting for the bubble to burst again.

My best friend and his sister think I should just keep my mouth shut, grab the opportunity to teach again and go with the flow. They say deal with whatever may happen as/when/if it happens...Any thoughts?

Melia

« Last Edit: August 16, 2006, 03:05:09 AM by sweetasmeli »
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(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline Ann

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2006, 05:55:33 PM »
Melia,

I think you should go for it too. Definitely.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Dachshund

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2006, 05:58:20 PM »
Nothing ventured...nothing gained. Go for it.

Peace,
Hal

Offline lydgate

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2006, 06:09:59 PM »
I agree. Teaching is what you love and doing it again might do you loads of good. Just wanted to ask: are you getting some help for all the emotional turmoil you've been experiencing?

Jay
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline Alain

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2006, 06:14:33 PM »
.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2006, 08:13:03 PM by cowandalehouse »

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2006, 06:19:39 PM »
No Jay, I'm not. I live on a small Greek island and access to counselling is few and far between. I'm in touch via email/msn with a counsellor/friend from Body Positive in the UK and I talk to friends. But I know none of it is helping, I'm still desperately unhappy and have been for a long time...

Thanks Ann/Hal/Jay/Alain for your words of encouragement. :)

Melia
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline Nadine

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2006, 06:23:34 PM »
Melia...I have to agree with the others...GO FOR IT GIRL!!  ;D

Offline lydgate

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2006, 06:26:45 PM »
Melia, no one has to live for months and months desperately unhappy, If not counseling, is there apsychiatrist you can see? Have you thought about a course of anti-depressants for a while? Several threads on the subject here.

Jay
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline Gilles

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2006, 06:38:59 PM »
Hey you should definately teach...however you should also anticipate that if the parents find out about your condition, they might stop their kids coming at your house. But dont get too upset about it...these things happen....many people are uneducated about the virus and they have wrong presumptions.

..oh and other thing...if you live in part of the EU, I am pretty sure you could have claimed discrimination under the recent legislation/directive on discimination because of your condition (HIV has been included recently in the UK Disability Discrimination and it is all based on EU law)...anyway its worth investigateing

and if you really want to teach and cannot do in your small village...there is always option of moving somewhere else....the main things is that try not to feel too down...and do whatever is best for you...ignorant people are anywhere whether you have a virus or not

Offline anniebc

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2006, 06:47:30 PM »
Dear Melia

I agree with everyone else, I think you should go for it, don't let anyone stand in the way of your dreams..I know this is easier said than done...but in for a penny in for a pound.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Hugs from NZ
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline blondbeauty

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2006, 06:55:01 PM »
I would also go for it. And I would do what your friend and her sister say: donīt tell them you are HIV+. If they find out,that will be the moment to face the problem. But try not to think about things that have not happened yet.
I wish you the best.
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline J.R.E.

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #11 on: July 31, 2006, 08:25:22 PM »
Hello Melia,

I think this is what you need !!! I would also go for it. But there are still issues that you are dealing with, and that is something that can not be ignored either. So I would also look into those " far and few between" options, that may be available to you...



Wishing yout the Best----Ray

 
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 6/4/14,  t-cells are at 423, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 13% 

  
 62 years young.

Offline Eldon

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2006, 09:41:59 PM »
Hello Melia, it is Eldon. Don't let your fears scare you away from this opportunity that has been presented to you. Although it was a strain in the past does not mean that it will be a strain for your future. Remember, what you do today dictates your tomorrow.

I agree with everyone, you should go after your dreams and share your gift of teaching with others.

Offline MSPspud

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2006, 10:42:35 PM »
Hi Melia !

I say go for it, but with a different twist.  I personally would make sure the family knows what happened up front, before you have too much vested.  If they don't like it, then riddens.  I have a feeling though, this family is enlightened enough to take the issue for what it is. 

I know this is not necessarily your style but it's a consideration.  You may be surprised.

Either way, go for the opportunity.  Hopefully this last year has been a full circle to get you where you really want to be. 

Jason
« Last Edit: July 31, 2006, 10:44:07 PM by MSPspud »

Offline jack

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #14 on: July 31, 2006, 10:50:39 PM »
I agree with Jason.

Offline cubbybear

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2006, 11:36:43 PM »
Hey Melia.. Nike said it best.  "Just Do It!"  you know you want to!

xx
Matt
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline Robert

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2006, 11:42:57 PM »
I also agree with Jason.  Be up front about it.  I think that will help you tremendously with your moods.  Start freeing yourself of all those demons.  It would certainly be a win-win situation.  YOu'll teach and you'll feel better. 

Besides it wouldn't surprise me one bit if the mother already knows.  That's probably one reason she is asking you.  Who knows?    If your diagnosis doesn't stop her it shouldn't stop you.

Go for it.

robt
..........

Offline joemutt

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #17 on: August 01, 2006, 02:13:58 AM »
Melia, the mother who wants you to teach her children has chosen to bring you this great gift, accept it.

Offline aztecan

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2006, 10:26:16 AM »
Melia,

Just to add my voice to the choir - Go for it!

If you don't, you'll second-guess yourself into misery. Don't worry about what might happen until it does.

I know you are feeling exposed and fragile. But that won't change unless you move on with your life.

Don't let what happened before dictate what you do with your life. You love teaching, that shows clearly in everything you have written.

Follow your heart's dream.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline ACinKC

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2006, 10:37:58 AM »
Definitely DO IT!  By telling everyone your in the GREEK ISLES your gonna need a new job to afford a bigger house!  This is ONE forum family member that plans on VISITING my lil sister in the wonderful Mediterranean!

I'll need a double bed, and i like orange juice for breakfast!  See you soon!
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline penguin

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2006, 10:46:27 AM »
yes, go for it, greek-island girl  8)

you have a gift, a talent - do what makes you happy.

Kate

Offline kcmetroman

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #21 on: August 01, 2006, 10:57:38 AM »
Hi Melia,

I agree with everyone else here.  Also, have you thought that perhaps the mother already knows?  That maybe she is willing to look past your status?  With all of the tracking she has done to find you, it would seem odd that somewhere along the line she would not inquire (and learn why) as to the issues leading up to your exit.

I think that maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt, and yourself....

Love,

John


Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #22 on: August 01, 2006, 01:50:04 PM »
Everyone, thanks so much for your kind words of advice and encouragement. They mean a lot to me.

After a sleepness night (pretty much) and a day spent thinking alot, I have decided to indeed 'go for it'.
Hopefully the mother will come see me tonight to make arrangements...

I've read all your responses and will respond in more detail later.
Have to go out now though...am off to help my friend henna tattoo some tourists! ;D

So watch this space...

Melia :)
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline ACinKC

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #23 on: August 01, 2006, 02:13:01 PM »
Greek Islands AND you can hook a brother up with a HENNA tattoo? What are you doing next weekend?  I got some frequent flier miles to cash in.  (they would only get me to the end of the local runway, but still)
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2006, 06:20:59 PM »
Hahaha! ACinKC, your posts made me giggle! ;D
Btw, There are orange trees in the gardens around my place, so you can literally pick your own!

Well, I'm back after a night of chatting to tourists and watching them get henna tattooed up!

I didn't see the mother of the student, we missed each other, but she left a message saying she would catch up with me asap, so that sounds promising...

But like I said before, I am going to go for it. I've already started dropping little nuggets of my intentions to do private tuition with some other parents and students, so we will see what (if anything) will transpire...the important thing is I feel ready. :)

Another thing happened tonight. A friend of a friend came to see me. He wants us to do English-Greek sessions together, like a linguistic exchange. So I can improve my Greek and him his English. So we're starting Thurs morning. And the good thing is he and his wife know about my status and they're really good people.

Its like a few weeks ago I was going out of my mind with boredom and frustration, feeling totally worthless. And now suddenly everything is happening at once! Tis good!

I don't know if the mother knows or not. In fact I haven't really got a clue who knows. But anyway, I've decided NOT to say anything about my status to her. Two reasons: firstly, she doesn't need to know and I'm tired of pouring out my heart and soul to people who don't actually need to know; secondly, she is not Greek, she's Albanian - and if you thought the Greeks in my village were behind times re knowledge about hiv and the like, well the Albanians are about 100 years behind the Greeks! Basically, I've decided I'll cross that bridge if or when I come to it...

I am going to look into those few and far between options here re counselling etc. I have a few good connections where I can start, so I will...I don't want to go under emotionally or physically, so I know I have to start taking steps to make sure I don't.

You all said some kind and thought-provoking things here and I truly appreciate you all taking the time to advise and encourage me. It really helped to affirm my decision.

Hopefully, what you said is right Jason: that this last year has been a full circle to get me where I really want to be.
As we say in Greek, maxari, which means 'I hope/wish'...

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again.

Melia :)   
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline eirin

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #25 on: August 01, 2006, 06:25:41 PM »
Good luck Melia, you deserve it!  :-*

Offline MSPspud

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2006, 08:33:45 PM »
My god!  Albanian  :o

I suppose keeping it quiet isn't so bad.  Just get out there and teach, my friend.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #27 on: August 01, 2006, 08:42:01 PM »
Beloved Melia,

Go for it.

MtD
(Who thinks of Melia often and with great fondness)

Offline zephyr

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #28 on: August 02, 2006, 12:56:33 AM »
Sweet Melia...

I wanted to post last night to you, but I got distracted with little Malachi in the hospital.

There is a new word that I learned during your hiatus from our Forums, one I believe applies to you: MERAKI (May-rah-kee)

As I understand it, this Greek word describes doing something with soul, creativity, or love----when you put something of yourself into what you are doing, whatever it may be.

Your teaching skills are indeed something that you love and are very good at...YOU need to share them!!

Good luck!!

Love,

Zephyr :-* (who is very glad to see our Greek Goddess return to the fold)

"It is character that communicates most eloquently."

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #29 on: August 02, 2006, 08:06:08 AM »

Hey Melia...   

  Good to see you back.   I am sorry you are experiencing these same issues again.  I agree with the others also.  It's seems you have a lot to offer, by all means share it!

Thomas
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Christine

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Re: Been struggling
« Reply #30 on: August 02, 2006, 06:38:57 PM »
Hi Melia,
I am so glad you have decided to take the teaching job. You said it yourself in your first post...it is your dream job. Congratulations!

Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: Been struggling: UPDATE
« Reply #31 on: August 16, 2006, 03:04:18 AM »
Thanks for the PM Jason asking for an update ;)
My family are here for a couple of weeks so I'm busy spending time with them, so I'll make this a quickie.

Well the mother hasn't come to see me yet. I don't know what to think but one of the things I am thinking is she has heard the gossip about me and has changed her mind. The possibility pisses me off but I'm trying not to let it grind me down.

Anyway, I have one other student for definite starting with me in September - an 18 year old girl I know.
Also I have 2 other maybes and I've started spreading the word a little amongst some ex students of mine from the school. So I'm still at the 'We'll see...' stage...

I feel a mixture of excitement and apprehension. Normal I guess.

Melia :)
« Last Edit: August 16, 2006, 03:05:55 AM by sweetasmeli »
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline ACinKC

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Re: Been struggling: UPDATE
« Reply #32 on: August 16, 2006, 09:14:48 AM »
Give em hell GIRL!
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline MSPspud

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  • Joined Mar 2005 - Formerly UofMurbs
Re: Been struggling: UPDATE
« Reply #33 on: August 16, 2006, 10:23:11 AM »
Yes, don't let the Albanian chick get you down.  If they decided not to proceed with the tutoring, you have plenty of other interested parties.  Thanks for the update  :)

Offline chart420835

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Re: Been struggling: UPDATE
« Reply #34 on: August 16, 2006, 01:42:04 PM »
c'mon dont let this feeling make u down ...just go for it ..and thing is gonna be fine ...b happy
Chad from thailand

Online RapidRod

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Re: Been struggling: UPDATE
« Reply #35 on: August 16, 2006, 05:40:26 PM »
Melia, you know when the children find out they are flunking a class you'll get a bunch of calls. By the way, where are you going to build your school house? Have a good day. ;)

Rod

Offline Eldon

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Re: Been struggling: UPDATE
« Reply #36 on: August 16, 2006, 06:36:28 PM »
Melia, this is excellent news.....Way To Go!!!

 


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