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Fell in love with positive man after sex but he didn't tell me. What would u do?

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I understand this is more of a moral question and it really depends on the personality of the reader but I wanted to throw this question to the air and get some opinions.

I had unprotected sex with a man with whom I established an amazing connection the first and only time we met. I fell in love with him and we continued in touch by e-mail.
After letting him know about my feelings for him he had to admit at one point that he was positive. I was devastated for not having been told from the start. After a while I managed to forgive him (after some very genuine e-mails expressing his absolute regret and guilt) and see him as an imperfect human being as we all are and decided that my feelings for him wouldn't change even if he was positive. I had been in a serodiscordant relationship for 4-5 months years before and totally embraced it (although the relationship failed for reasons not related to HIV), but dealing with the fact that this man hadn't been honest with me from the start has made it really hard for me to totally accept it, specially if we are going to give it a go at it. Personally I would probably had told the other person if I was positive, but this is difficult to know unless you experience being positive first hand.
I just want to know how would a positive person see a situation like that and what would you think about a person like that. Would you be able to forgive that person totally and try to establish a relationship? Would you see that man as a potential murderer and never reconcile with the thought of him having exposed your health selfishly?

Any comments would be very appreciated and hopefully help me move on into or out of this potential relationship...

Thanks so much,


Daniel, while he should have told you upfront about his status, it is your responsibility to assume everyone you sleep with is HIV positive and therefore take the precautions to protect yourself.  I have been in a mixed status rel. for 5.5 yrs. it can and does work.

Good Luck!


Hi Kent,

you are right about that, but that is only a way to deal with it. It helps to always assume everyone you sleep with has HIV but if you think that way, your sexual encounters are always going to be influenced by that thought. You do not go out to the street assuming that you can die at any moment by being ran over by a car or a falling tree. You go out to the street careless about things like that. Given the choice I think that telling the other person is always the best one, but it takes a certain maturity. I would definitely do tell the other person. Most probably I would look for other positive partners too, simply because I wouldn't forgive myself if knowingly, I had put someone at risk.
Clearing my own conscience after having unprotected sex with a negative person by thinking people should go about assuming everyone could be HIV positive is simply wrong.

Daniel, yes that's it exactly...your sexual encounters should be influenced by the thought that the other partner could be HIV positive.  Not just positive for HIV, but a host of other STDs that are way easier to catch than HIV.
 I'm not judging you but you should not be having unprotected sex unless and until you are in a secure/closed relationship and the two of you are tested together. Then and only then can you know the status of your potential partner.  Many people will tell you they are negative because they simply don't know their status  and they may have taken many high risks and just be afraid to get tested. 
You should always protect yourself because having HIV is no picnic.

The fact he didnt tell you and had unprotected sex with you doesnt speak in his favour. But if you like him go for it.


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