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Author Topic: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?  (Read 4398 times)

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Offline David_CA

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After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« on: October 16, 2008, 10:35:08 AM »
The thread about embalming, etc got me thinking about funerals, cremation, and what happens afterwards.

We were at a family plot in a cemetery in the mountains of NC this past weekend.  My mom and I got on the topic of what we wanted done with our remains.  We both want cremation.  As to what to do with my ashes... I really don't care.  Perhaps some should remain in a jar in the bedroom, you know, to keep en eye on my hubby and make sure he's doing alright (ok, I didn't tell her that part).  Otherwise, they can sit in the pantry with all the kitty ashes.  Some sort of ceremony would be nice.  In the funerals I've attended in the past, everybody leaves the graveside and goes to a family member's house.  We then have what seems like a family reunion - minus one - complete with lots of food, humor, and catching up with each other.  In fact, funerals are the only time I've seen some of my relatives that I can recall.  We talked about having some sort of plaque or something with the person's name, birth date, etc on it.  I figured it would be nice to put us all on one 'monument', as we are all part of the same family. 

So, what do you want done with your body and remains after you die? 
Black Friday 03-03-2006
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You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline Moffie65

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2008, 11:17:40 AM »
Shit David, I never thought anyone would ever ask this question on this site.

I have made it clear to everyone I know that I want to have the funeral BEFORE I expire.  Hell, if you are going to pay for a party, you at least should be able to enjoy the damn thing.  I have jokingly always wanted to ride in an open coffin, in the rear of a Cadillac flower car, and throw flowers out to the procession going to the party.  I love that mental picture.

Otherwise, I will be creamated, and my ashes are to be sent to Kenya to be strewn on the slope of Kilimanjaro.  Stupid I guess, but frankly I would rather go there while still alive, but financially, (Publishers Clearing house excepted) it is impossible for me to even dream of returning to my home.  I found my childhood home on Google earth the other day, but I think that is the closest I will ever be to seeing it in person ever again.  Still, if it is possibe, I would prefer my ashes to be sent there.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2008, 11:22:51 AM »

    David, like you I have thought about this myself.  Which ever method puts less of a financial burden on my loved ones is the one I want.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline thunter34

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2008, 11:23:10 AM »
Roll me up and smoke me when I die.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline blondbeauty

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2008, 01:59:52 PM »
I want to be embalmed dressed in my airline uniform, holding a coffee pot on my right hand and a tray with sugar and tea bags on my left.
Of course I should be placed in a glass urn to keep the dust from spoiling the cleanliness of my hair. I don't want a relative or a cleaning lady removing the dust from me with an electric vacuum. I don't want a finger or an eyeball ending up in the bag of any hoover.
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Offline skeebo1969

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2008, 02:06:43 PM »
Roll me up and smoke me when I die.

  I think that's a West coast thing.  Some of rapper Eazy E's friends did this after he was torched I believe.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline David_CA

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2008, 02:14:02 PM »
I want to be embalmed dressed in my airline uniform, holding a coffee pot on my right hand and a tray with sugar and tea bags on my left.
Of course I should be placed in a glass urn to keep the dust from spoiling the cleanliness of my hair. I don't want a relative or a cleaning lady removing the dust from me with an electric vacuum. I don't want a finger or an eyeball ending up in the bag of any hoover.

Gurl!
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Offline Basquo

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Offline Lisa

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2008, 02:49:06 PM »
I have long said I wish to be cremated. Nothing fancy. I'll probably pre-pay for it over the next couple of years.
My mother used to have the most lovely rose gardens, and I remember her tending them with such care. One thing that has always stuck in my mind was, how important is to use bone meal when planting them.
I figure none of my kids will ever have the patience, or talent for roses, but I have instucted them to divvy me up and sprinkle me in the tomato garden, and I'll do my best. ;D (not kidding!)
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2008, 03:32:01 PM »
No embalming fluid ... plain pine box ... maybe a rose bush ...

oh, and masses of black marble statuary, the odd caryatid, that sort of thing.
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Offline MYSTERY

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2008, 03:46:44 PM »
I am torn between being cremated and buried. I have this fear of being burned, and I am also claustrophobic. lololo, but I know it won't matter, but in thinking of the lesser of the two evils, I really have a hard time deciding. I just hope that after we pass from this earth it won't matter, and we will all be at peace with a sense of a greater purpose to having lived life. Come to think of it the mausoleum thing wouldn't be bad at least the bugs wouldn't get at you and you would stay dry.
Atheist don't believe in GOD, but GOD believes in them and loves them. Never let the failure of man conflict with your love of GOD.

Offline Texan38

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2008, 04:35:44 PM »
My mom and I actually had this discussion once. I'm going to be cremated and she wants to have a Rosary for me so people can pay their respects to her. AFTERWARDS, friends and family are going to get together, I want my ashes to be mixed in with some glitter, everyone will have several travel size bottles of tequila, turn on the CD player full blast and play AC/DCs "Highway To Hell"...take the whole shot of tequila...then play "We'll Be Together Again" by Erasure...take shot....and throw my glittery ash(es) in the sky.....another shot. Then play "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls.
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
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Offline leatherman

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2008, 05:25:46 PM »
Having already considered this situatioin while I was lying in a hospital twice and having lost two partners (one within the last 5 months), this topic has been on my mind throughout the Summer.

When my first long-term partner, Randy, died from AIDS, I was only 30 and very glad that his parents handled the arrangements to have him buried. A year later, his mom got a nice headstone, with an etched cocker spaniel commemorating our pet store and 7 cocker spaniels that we had raised.

Things were MUCH different when my second long-term partner passed away this past May. He had no $$ in the bank, no life insurance, nor any protections on his mortgage/house. As his parents and grandparents have been deceased for over 25 yrs, all the arrangements fell onto my shoulders this time. Because of the finances (Jim left no $$ and I only receive a reduced SS check), I had to request donations in a thread here to cover the costs of Jim's cremation. (with the cost of a funeral and burial easily $4k or more, cremation was the "cheapest" way to go) Thanks to the generosity of many here, I was able to pay $800 of the $1200 cremation bill. (there's no way on $500 a month that I'll ever be able to finish paying, so the remainder of the bill has already been turned over to a collection agency.) Luckily, the rep, who thought I was going to be paying off the bill, had brought Jim's ashes and death certificates to our home, and he very graciously left those things with me.

Three weeks later, on the 14 yr anniversary of Randy's death (both partners died in May), my OhioFamily and I held a memorial service at Randy's grave. Everyone said a few words about Jim, before I gave my eulogy. Then we all released red and white Mylar balloons, and  I scattered Jim's ashes on Randy's grave so that both of my guys are together now. Afterwards, I held an OpenHouse back at our home, where I had scattered arrangements (of pictures, awards, memorabilia, etc) throughout the house  documenting Jim's life. All the computers and TVs in the house has slideshows running with pictures of his childhood that I had scanned in or pictures that he and I had taken over the last 20 yrs of our friendship and relationship. I cooked out on the patio by the pool (in honor of the many pool parties Jim held over the years), and over 30 people ate while sharing their memories of Jim.

I didn't put all of Jim's ashes on Randy's grave though. Some went into a decorative vase, that Randy had painted many years ago, and I have kept those with me during my move to a new home. I put another small amount into a jar which I "hid" upstairs in a crawl space. Jim had spent 60 days in the hospital and during that time all he wanted to do was to go home, so a part of him will ALWAYS be home now.

As to what I want done, I have already begun to save a few dollars toward my own cremation bill. (If you're concerned about leaving the financial burden of your final arrangements, you might want to check with your local cremation society about their costs, so that you can set some money aside to handle this) I've also talked with my Mom, OhioMom, and Mom-in-law (Randy's mom) about scattering my ashes at Randy's grave too. I don't have any specific wishes about a service/memorial - I won't be here LOL, so I'll leave the specific details to the ones I leave behind ;) ; but I do know that my friends and family are going to use my example and hold a graveside gathering to say their final goodbyes to me as they leave me with Randy and Jim.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2008, 06:05:09 PM »
I want to be Cremated, no embalming, no Funeral, no Service, no Memorial  (don't care if it's done by the County I died in) I really wanted to give my body to the Medical Cadaver School, (here locally located at the University of New Mexico School of Medicine) but they told me, that they aren't interested in anyone with AIDS, as, it is in their policy not to except anyone that has THIS............. ::)

  I don't know why, I think it's DUMB, that they think that way, but, no matter, just put me in the furnace  buck ass naked and set it to 1800 degrees for 3 to 4 hours, and for-get-it, then I'll truly be happy  ;D and they can put my ashes in a Paupers Grave paid by the County, yes, I know, I sure don't want much, do I  ::) after I'm dead, but dead is truly dead, so whats the point..........of course, there is NO Guarantee that I'
ll get any of this, as I have a Twin Sister (out in Northern Calif.) and she listed as my next-of-kin.....I told her what I wanted many times, but all she did was roll-her-eyes at me, like I was outta-my-mind for wanting such a thing  ??? I do hope that she carries-out-some of my last wishes tho.......it would be nice, as I can be at peace after I die.......
« Last Edit: October 16, 2008, 06:08:57 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline BT65

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2008, 06:27:33 PM »
My service has been paid for for years.  I'm going to be cremated. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline weasel

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #15 on: October 16, 2008, 06:41:35 PM »
I want to be burned up !

I would like to be fertilizer in the yard of the home I grew up in   ::)

 my other choice is the family plot in Wellfleat , Cape Cod  :)

 A family picnic would be nice too !

                                                         Karl
" Live and let Live "

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #16 on: October 16, 2008, 07:08:24 PM »
I won't be in a position to argue. 

The year I tested positive, my sister went out and bought a cemetary plot in this gawd awful town I don't admit to being in.  I have seen her twice in 14 years.

When my friend Vito was buried, I went to the Cemetary Sales office to ask about the plot next to Vito and his wife. They asked, "who is the deceased?"  That would be me, we could have Vito, as Husband, Theresa as Wife and Michael as second Wife.  Theresa was once Troy and we looked so much alike, I was fooled by his pictures.
The plot next to them was already taken.

I live next to a cemetary I like but, to be buried there, you have to be a member of one of the pioneer families, I don't qualify but when I have extra flowers or bulbs, I plant them there.

I wanted to be cremated once and have my ashes dumped in the Plaza Cibelles in Madrid because I once dumped detergent in the fountain with some drunken students from the University.  A good time was had by all in attendence.  Cancelled my life insurance policy this year because the rates more than doubled, it was a term life policy to expire at age 70.  My ID doc says I will live to 85 and die of a heart attack so there is no money for a flashy funeral and who knows what the county will do with the remains.  Maybe, I can get my ashes put in a Chase and Sanborn Coffee can and sent over a waterfall in a shopping mall.  ;D  Have the best day
Michael
« Last Edit: October 16, 2008, 07:10:53 PM by Sonomabeach »

Offline leatherman

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #17 on: October 16, 2008, 08:34:56 PM »
I want to be Cremated, no embalming, no Funeral, no Service, no Memorial  (don't care if it's done by the County I died in)
always remember the funeral/memorial is not for you. It's for those you leave behind, to have a final chance to say goodbye and to release their grief.

I also noticed that several people here think that some local govt will handle matters. Does anyone know how that works? Although everyone here (docs, hospital, ASO, etc) knew that I had no money, I was expected to make arrangements for Jim anyway - and technically, I wasn't even next-of-kin, though I did have medical power of attny. I guess part of it may be decided by how and where you die. If you die at home with hospice care or in a hospital with any visitors, they can find someone to accept the responsibility and get them to pay. I'd think you'd truly have to "die alone" to have any govt handle the matter. Out of curiosity, does anyone know any more about this?
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #18 on: October 16, 2008, 09:05:26 PM »
I also noticed that several people here think that some local govt will handle matters. Does anyone know how that works? 

 I'd think you'd truly have to "die alone" to have any govt handle the matter. Out of curiosity, does anyone know any more about this?

I joined the U.S. Air Force during the Vietnam Era and thought the Federal Government would pay for my funeral in full as one of the benefits.  Finding out much later the Federal Government only pays $250.00.  I have lived alone for the past 8 years with only me and my dog Kaiser.  For 4 of those years, I thought the dog would out live me, my only visitors were the monthly check-in by the Case Manager.  I also thought it would take the Case Manager a couple of months to notice I was never at home so I would become dog food.

Kaiser has had better days and is very old, I called 2 vets today to find the cost of having my dog put down and my doctor says I have at least another 35 years before I die, unless the proverbial bus comes along.  I have a place to bury my support group dog but what about me?

Who would notice if I was not around?  I have lived in this house for 4 years, never met the property owners, it would take them at least a month before they missed the rent check and leave a message on the phone?

I rarely go out or have company, the neighbors would not see anything unusual.  Parents are long dead and I have had little contact with either my brother or my sister...  Thecnically, I could sit at this computer keyboard rotting until someone figured out the details.  If, this were the case, wouldn't the county send a hazmat team to clean up the mess?  I don't believe there will be any mourners  ;D  Have the best day
Michael

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #19 on: October 16, 2008, 10:18:38 PM »
always remember the funeral/memorial is not for you. It's for those you leave behind, to have a final chance to say goodbye and to release their grief.


I really have no one that really wants to deal with any of this, I live with my otherhalf Bob of 15 yrs., and legally, due to me having next-of-kin in another State, he's not obligated to do anything (since were not or cannot be legally married in the State we live-in) I know it SUCKS , but I don't make the laws-of-the-land......however, I do have a Life insurance policy that (my otherhalf is the sole beneficiary of) so, it looks like, if I die before he does, him and my Twin Sister will have to deal with what ever I wanted, but, Legally, she is the only one that can do ANYTHING, if my otherhalf wants to handle my final wishes, he will have to get signed and FAX permission form my Twin Sister, or while I'm still alive he will need POWER-OF-ATTORNEY, if she chooses not to deal with any of this   ??? However, I'm sure that THIS shouldn't be a problem as I don't own any land or real property, so, I do hope that both of them will Carrie out my final wishes  ;D I'm sure they both will do what I want...........

Now my otherhalf's Mom & Pop are still alive, and they reside in another State, so, if he dies before I do, they will have to Carrie out his final wishes, he too has a life ins policy that I'm the sole beneficiary of, and like me, he doesn't own any real land or property, and he tells me that his parents know what his final wishes are, so, that shouldn't be a problem, as they will help me with whatever they can, now if they choose not to deal with ANY of this, I' will need a POWER-OF-ATTORNEY to carry out Bob's final wishes, and like me, he doesn't want a big to do when he dies, just Direct Cremation.............I do understand, that if his parents and loved ones wants something else for him, I won't stand in there way, but, I will do what i can to assist them in whatever they want for there Sons final wishes.......I think thats FAIR...any one disagree? and if so, why? please chime in if you like  :D
« Last Edit: October 16, 2008, 10:47:58 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #20 on: October 16, 2008, 11:03:47 PM »
I'd think you'd truly have to "die alone" to have any govt handle the matter. Out of curiosity, does anyone know any more about this?

I think that's up to rather if you die and you have no next-of-kin, are if for some reason, the County cannot find your next-of-kin the County will Cremate your remains and place them in a paupers grave, how ever the County will try and COLLECT on what ever they can to sell (your personal items ).like if you die at home alone, they will come and take all of your belongings and sell them at public auction to re-coup this fee, if you have no known next-of-kin.......... I hope this answers your question about this  ;D
« Last Edit: October 16, 2008, 11:06:00 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline leatherman

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #21 on: October 16, 2008, 11:27:54 PM »
Finding out much later the Federal Government only pays $250.00.
I was told about that $250 too; but because I was not the executor of Jim's estate (I couldn't afford to probate the house. His medical bills would have taken everything, left me homeless, and  perhaps dropped me into a pile of debt), I didn't even get that money. And besides, $250 wouldn't have make much of a dent in the "cheap" $1200 it cost to cremate Jim and run an obit.

I have lived alone for the past 8 years with only me and my dog Kaiser.  For 4 of those years, I thought the dog would out live me, my only visitors were the monthly check-in by the Case Manager.  I also thought it would take the Case Manager a couple of months to notice I was never at home so I would become dog food.
As one mike to another  ;D, let me say that, boy! can I feel for you, dude. ;)

about 6 months before Randy passed away, we got another cocker from the line we had been breeding. I knew then that I was going to be left alone with SEVEN dogs to care for, but I couldn't deny a dying man a puppy. I should mention too, that I was on AZT mono-therapy during that time and had to quit, as I thought that med was going to kill me faster than Randy was dying. Someone had to stay alive to bury the other and to care for the dogs.

The first few years after Randy passed were very hard. Many days, as I was recovering from PCP one year and pneumonia two yrs later, it was only my responsibility to care for the dogs that got me out of bed. I'm sure one of the reasons I stayed alive through those years was because at least I was eating something every night as I was in the kitchen feeding the dogs.

Because we had added a new puppy to the pack every year, that meant I began to lose one of them every year to cancer, epilepsy, autoimmune disease (eek! my puppy had aids. LOL) and old age. Still adjusting to being single, it was very hard dealing with those deaths (once I had to have two put to sleep at the same time, as one had a grand mal seizure on the same day her mom has a heart attack!). But before I lost all of "pack one", I began to acquire "pack two" which consisted of 4 of the great grandchildren of my very first spaniel.

It was a pretty bold move on my part to get these last 4 dogs. For nearly a decade, my doctors had warned of my imminent death; but the meds were improved and I got "better", so committing to another 10 yrs of life by getting a puppy was a positive part of moving forward with my life. I wouldn't be so bold though to commit to Jim for many yrs, because I was deadly afraid of leaving him to grieve as I had done for Randy. (well, that sure turned out to be wasted worry, didn't it? as once again I was the one left grieving.)

Now I'm single again. I only have 3 boy spaniels left (my little girl passed away in Jan just before Jim became ill) and I'm scared that soon it's all going to be starting over. One is 10 and his two brothers (from another litter) are 9, and this lineage's average lifespan is 10. Since I lost one nearly a yr ago, I'm expecting it won't be long till either old age begins to take them, or one has a seizure like his aunt.

When I recently moved (even without taking on Jim's bills, I'm just too poor to have kept the house because of roof leaks, corroded pipes, and an overdue $3k tax bill), I made sure to move in with a good housemate (a member of my "OhioFamily"). Not because I'm afraid to be alone; but because I've had that same fear as you - of becoming dog food. ;)

Legally, she is the only one that can do ANYTHING, if my otherhalf wants to handle my final wishes, he will have to get signed and FAX permission form my Twin Sister, or while I'm still alive he will need POWER-OF-ATTORNEY

...as they will help me with whatever they can, now if they choose not to deal with ANY of this, I' will need a POWER-OF-ATTORNEY to carry out Bob's final wishes
just a friendly word of advice, get some of that kind of paperwork handled up legally ASAP, before something happens.

Because Jim had suddenly taken ill and was so near death the 60 days he was in the hospital, we barely got him to "competently" sign a new will (the old one left everything to his ex from 15 yrs previous). Thankfully, the first day he was admitted, he signed a living will and a medical power of atty for me. (And believe me, I had to flash that around a lot at the hospital while Jim was unconscious) I don't even remember the name of the legal document that would have automatically put the house in my name upon Jim's death, which would have saved me from having to probate the house or from having to leave as I was legally just a squatter in his house after his death. I got a call from Legal Aide 3 hrs after Jim passed away, when they finally had that document ready for Jim to sign. Sigh

Just remember: dead, unconscious, or mentally incompetent (look up "hospital psychosis" for what happened to Jim those 2 months) people are unable to sign any legal documents - and the world runs on legal documents.

County will Cremate your remains and place them in a paupers grave, how ever the County will try and COLLECT on what ever they can to sell (your personal items ).like if you die at home alone, they will come and take all of your belongings and sell them at public auction to re-coup this fee

thanks. that's kinda what I thought. What a sad ending that would be though.  :'(
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #22 on: October 16, 2008, 11:47:24 PM »
Yeah Thanks, Bob & I both have the Power-of-Attorney already signed, dated, and witnessed ( just incase his family become uncooperative) and vise-vera, we did this back in 2002, when he went in for triple bypass Open heart surgery, but, he came thur that OK, and is still alive to talk about this, but ,like I said earlier both of us have no Real Property or Land (all we have our personal possessions) we don't own a home, so, I think we have that covered (our final wishes) but, in my experience, you NEVER know just what Family members will try to do, take or get, I know this, cause I went thur this before with my 2 other partners that died back in the early & late 90's, and it was AWFUL, their family members weren't very nice about any of it  ??? I just want to make sure I NEVER go thur that Again.....but, I think we have all the bases covered this time  ;D
« Last Edit: October 16, 2008, 11:54:45 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #23 on: October 17, 2008, 12:53:57 AM »
Several members of my father's family have donated their bodies to science. My grandmother died in 1989 and donated her body to Wake Forest University. It took 9 months for them to return her cremains and by that time I had moved from Asheville to Seattle. My father told me he was going to have her ashes interred at the local Veteran's cemetery, since my granmother was in the WAC. Well, my older brother discovered last month that he never got around to it and Gran has been in the closet for 19 years (just like me!). So Monday we are gathering at the Veteran's cemetery to have a ceremony for my grandmother.

I have always wanted to donate my body to science but because of the HIV I'm disqualified. Just like in life, in death no one wants my body because of HIV!  :D
« Last Edit: October 17, 2008, 01:33:29 AM by GSOgymrat »

Offline carousel

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #24 on: October 17, 2008, 05:54:02 AM »
My Dad was recently telling me about a funeral he was at, where they had done the embalming on the cheap.  When they lifted the coffin up, a load of liquid started to seep out the bottom.  A bit gruesome.

I want to be cremated.  Haven't made any plans about it, though sometimes when I hear a song, I daydream that I'd like that played at my funeral.

Offline mecch

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #25 on: October 17, 2008, 07:18:54 AM »
I agree, the funeral and wake or whatever they do to remember you is for survivors and their comfort and needs should be considered. I guess the method of disposal exclusively belongs to the one who will die.

I wish I could be buried without a coffin, just wrapped in fabric and then into the ground. I wouldn't mind being burnt on a fire but not in an oven.  Then the ashes dumped into a garden.  If I can go into a cemetary without a coffin, or burned and turn over in garden soil, that would be great. People could visit more or less a "place", in my honor.

Burial at sea would be OK but please, a warm sea.  Or burnt and dumped into a river in the summer.

Accidental deaths in the wilderness could be rewarded with being left to rot at the scene of death, if at all possible.  I'd like to think if I died skiing off a cliff, then I could just rot at the bottom, far away from civilisation.  Sometimes people die recovering bodies, what a waste.

My father saw someone buried alive in the cement foundations of a bridge. It it were a magnificent bridge, its not a bad place to be "buried", though I don't appreciate the accidental manner of the death.



ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline David_CA

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #26 on: October 17, 2008, 07:40:37 AM »
What's up with not wanting our bodies for science because of HIV?  I thought scientists were studying effects of meds and HIV on our bodies?  ???
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
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10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
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11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
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Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #27 on: October 17, 2008, 08:18:41 AM »
Every place I have looked has had what appears to be a standard disclaimer: "People with HIV/AIDS, hepatitis B and C, tuberculosis and syphilis cannot donate their bodies to science."


Offline weasel

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #28 on: October 17, 2008, 09:27:59 AM »
i am a veteran , i assumed the NAVY  would take care of the torching process  ::)

never checked ? But I have heard they would " dump " me off a ship !

 Often the Destroyer Escort I was stationed on in  Fort Skyler ,New York would go out to

SEA and have memorial services and plunge Comrades into the ocean  .
 
MY brother Bert died of a brain tumor 10 years ago  :'( , 52 years  in age

The Air Force provided a FABULOUS Funeral ! 21 gun Salute and all , Bert is buried

at the base of Cape Cod ,a huge veterans Cemetery  :)

None of this cost anything to my sister-in-law

 I will check ,BUT i am still under the empression they still do this ...................

                                                                               Karl
" Live and let Live "

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #29 on: October 17, 2008, 10:05:07 AM »
i am a veteran , i assumed the NAVY  would take care of the torching process  ::)

                                                                               Karl

I'm a Navy Vet too (1977 to 1984) served 2 terms, 8 yrs. , and made it all the way to E-6 when I got out, the way I understand this , is they will provide you with a Head-stone-grave-marker, free of charge to your spouse (if your married only) but ,as far as any thing else go's (if your not married) I don't think so, but, it would seem that if your any kinda Vet, there has to be something more that they will do, I'll have to check that out and see what they can do for us Vets  ;D I'll post back and let you know   Karl   ;D   

        when my father died ( he was an Army Vet), they provided us with a Head-Stone and an American Flag (free of charge) but, we still had to pay for his funeral tho, and the plot, the Veterans Admin took care of the rest , but they only did this cuz  he was Married and my Mom was still alive when he died......
as far as the Survivors Benefits go....you have to be married, and you have to have minor children (Under 18 yrs. old)  they are the only ones, that can get any kinda of death benefit  ???
« Last Edit: October 17, 2008, 10:24:52 AM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline RapidRod

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #30 on: October 17, 2008, 10:20:53 AM »
All of my arraignments have been done for years. Closed casket and grave side services. Already have the lot and my name is on the monument. One piece of land that I don't want to take residents on for many years.


Offline rondrond

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #31 on: October 17, 2008, 11:41:15 AM »
It isn't something I worry about. Public Health is not going to just leave a body lying around to decompose.

To make it easier on any that have to deal with my remains, I have made it known to cremate. No open casket. All funerals I have attended with open caskets, family and friends, I would gaze upon the corpse and see nothing of the person I remembered in life.

Put my ashes in a vase or throw them around.

and then, as Mom always says, if you live long enough, you are going to learn something new every day:

I want to be diamonds!

http://www.lifegem.com/index.aspx?bannertype=msntext&bannermessage=cremation

I liked the blue, or clear.  Katie said "I bet they're expensive". Checked out the prices and compared them to the two bronze coffins with bue silk lining for $5.000.00 each for granny and papa *(and that was just for the coffins)* but papa had already paid for it....

at least becoming a diamond, you would have something to show and pass on for your $$....
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #32 on: October 17, 2008, 12:39:53 PM »
i am a veteran , i assumed the NAVY  would take care of the torching process  ::)

never checked ?
 I will check ,BUT i am still under the empression they still do this ...................

                                                                               Karl

Karl and all you other Honorable Discharged VET POZZIES................here's what I found out about just what the Veterans Admin will pay for:

http://www.military.com/benefits/burial-and-memorial/burial-expense-reimbursement

http://www.military.com/benefits/burial-and-memorial/headstones-and-markers

http://www.nvf.org/pages/burial_benefits
« Last Edit: October 17, 2008, 12:48:45 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline pozniceguy

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #33 on: October 17, 2008, 01:45:04 PM »
I have considered many of the issues that others have put forth here..decided a few months after official diagnosis that I would buy a "pre-need" plan with a reputable local cemetery..includes all selected services....cremation, a simple Urn, a local memorial service, various transport issues  and internment of the urn at a national cemetery......paid for it and carry a card in my wallet that says if needed call this number and they will start the whole process
 I have  file folder in my desk with all the needed information  including a picture to use for a obit ..forms from the Military and various insurance docs  ..I colored the tab of the file with a bright purple marker on labeled it   FUNERAL INFO  family all know this exists......
I am hoping this takes all the burden of " decisions" off of whoever is left to do this....   I guess I will never know if this was a good thing to do or not but I wanted to avoid all the drama I have seen and heard about when others have passed.....

Nick
remember the good times...honor the past but don't live there
Le stelle la notte sono grandie luminose, nel cuore profondo del Texas

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #34 on: October 17, 2008, 03:11:35 PM »
I have considered many of the issues that others have put forth here..decided a few months after official diagnosis that I would buy a "pre-need" plan with a reputable local cemetery..includes all selected services....cremation, a simple Urn, a local memorial service, various transport issues  and internment of the urn at a national cemetery......paid for it and carry a card in my wallet that says if needed call this number and they will start the whole process
 I have  file folder in my desk with all the needed information  including a picture to use for a obit ..forms from the Military and various insurance docs  ..I colored the tab of the file with a bright purple marker on labeled it   FUNERAL INFO  family all know this exists......
I am hoping this takes all the burden of " decisions" off of whoever is left to do this....   I guess I will never know if this was a good thing to do or not but I wanted to avoid all the drama I have seen and heard about when others have passed.....

Nick

Nick, it sounds to me like you've covered all the bases, good for you , now all I need to do is die, whatever happens after that, is covered, except for a few loose ends , and some minor details ???
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Graywolf

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #35 on: October 18, 2008, 02:26:28 PM »
I never gave it much thought until my late partner passed away 9 years ago (he was hiv- and had cancer). At first I wanted to be cremated and my ashes spread over Provincetown harbor, but changed my mind and decided to be buried in my family's plot, I never got along with the folks, but for some reason cremation makes me uncomfortable.

I have no living family and only 2 living friends, both straight and as in bad/worse shape than I am medically. Any money I have is to be split between them AIDS Action Committee and new England Shelter for Homeless Vets....that is if there is any money.

When the lawyers from AIDS Action helped me draw up a will originally I told them just put me in double strength black Hefty trash bag and leave me on the curb on Monday for trash pickup. If you want pay a couple of winos to play act mourning for me as the truck picks me up. a blaks humor way of admitting it's not worth having a memorial since I am the man that nobody knows
"If we don't learn to live as brothers, we will perish as fools" - Dr martin Luther King Jr

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #36 on: October 18, 2008, 03:46:18 PM »
I never gave it much thought until my late partner passed away 9 years ago (he was hiv- and had cancer). At first I wanted to be cremated and my ashes spread over Provincetown harbor, but changed my mind and decided to be buried in my family's plot, I never got along with the folks, but for some reason cremation makes me uncomfortable.

I have no living family and only 2 living friends, both straight and as in bad/worse shape than I am medically. Any money I have is to be split between them AIDS Action Committee and new England Shelter for Homeless Vets....that is if there is any money.

When the lawyers from AIDS Action helped me draw up a will originally I told them just put me in double strength black Hefty trash bag and leave me on the curb on Monday for trash pickup. If you want pay a couple of winos to play act mourning for me as the truck picks me up. a blaks humor way of admitting it's not worth having a memorial since I am the man that nobody knows

Yeah, that's the way it is for most of us PWA's and LTS, when you don't have a large family, or you were never married, and have no off-spring...........to bad, so sad, but, very true for many of us here, so, don't feel so bad cause, your not alone  ;)  Hey Mr. Graywolf, it's nice to know you, my Name in Dennis  ;D........so, there you go, see that? now you are someone I know  ;)
« Last Edit: October 18, 2008, 03:53:52 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Graywolf

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #37 on: October 18, 2008, 05:55:56 PM »
Thank you Dennis. since the old fire'n'brime i'm damned to hell tapes keep playing, ingrained in me fomr age 3, i don't even feel god is there for comfort

Ray
"If we don't learn to live as brothers, we will perish as fools" - Dr martin Luther King Jr

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #38 on: October 18, 2008, 07:28:40 PM »
Thank you Dennis. since the old fire'n'brime i'm damned to hell tapes keep playing, ingrained in me fomr age 3, i don't even feel god is there for comfort

Ray

 Your Welcomed.......you can come to this forum, and find whatever comfort you need, remember...you are never alone, lots of folks around here on this forum, just like you, with a lot to say , feel , and talk about ;D
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline weasel

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #39 on: October 19, 2008, 11:31:55 AM »
Thank you Dennis. since the old fire'n'brime i'm damned to hell tapes keep playing, ingrained in me fomr age 3, i don't even feel god is there for comfort

Ray

Hey mr. wolf  ;) ,
                         GOD is OUT for everyone  :)

                        No matter what we believe , GOD put us here for a reason , I am NO holy roller

                       But I PRAY every morning and every night for the great things that have been

                       bestowed upon me !

                       I have health , a bit precarious at times  :o

                      i have a loving family , A partner ,that is less than perfect , BUT adores me more than

                      anything in the world !

                        I pray for his family ,they are holy roller wackos ,but deserve love ,they are family  ::)

                      THIS WEB SITE IS MY LIFE LINE TO THE WORLD

                      I AM SO GREATFUL FOR THE SUPPORT AND THE CHANCE TO SAY SOMETHING

                     THAT THE MEMBERS ACTUALLY SOMETIMES READ  ;)

                     I HAVE HEARD FROM SOME FOLKS FROM NEW ENGLAND AND HAVE BEEN THRILLED

                    TO GET PM'S

                         I HOPE YOU NEVER FEEL ALONE ,EVER !

                     ANYTIME OF THE DAY YOU HAVE FREINDS RIGHT HERE !

                      SOME WITH SO MUCH TO SAY , GOOD THINGS ! NICE THINGS !

                        IT IS  A WONDERFUL GATEWAY TO THE WORLD !

                                                                 THE BEST TO YOU

                                                                                 KARL
" Live and let Live "

Offline bear60

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #40 on: October 19, 2008, 12:04:39 PM »
Actually I am thinking about writing my obituary, since no one is left who remembers what I have done in my lifetime.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #41 on: October 19, 2008, 02:18:48 PM »
Actually I am thinking about writing my obituary, since no one is left who remembers what I have done in my lifetime.

Sounds like it would be a very interesting Read, for those of us who don't know any thing about you  ;D
however, I don't think you could get all of that in an obituary, perhaps maybe some high-lights  :o
« Last Edit: October 19, 2008, 02:22:24 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #42 on: October 19, 2008, 03:00:45 PM »
I've not done anything with my life, therefore I need no obituary.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Graywolf

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #43 on: October 19, 2008, 03:25:50 PM »
I did have a will drawn up a couple of years ago and one of the only 2 friends i have is much closer to death than me he's also my health care proxy, durable power of attorney, etc. one note I read in here makes me think, if I die totally alone i do not want the vultures from the state descending on my possessions like the soldiers did scrapping over Jesus' clothing after I die. I do state in the will that if both friends die before me I want any money and possessions divided equally among 2 AIDS service organizations and the New England Shelter for Homeless veterans.

Back in the day when we had some support group meetings before all the budget cuts and apathy about living with HIV, we tossed this subject around a lot. As one guy said, after I die what do I care if I'm buried in Arlington Cemetery or a paupers grave...I'll be dead.

As far as a eulogy or obituary goes I could have multiple choice cards printed up with various questions

Ray was (a) better off dead (b) a total asshole (c) who is ray (d) a gentleman (e) a living saint

Ray passed away after (a) god struck him down for being such a heinous sinner (b) stepping in front of a speeding bus (c) doctors screwed up and he dyed during treatment (d) the neighbors complained about the rotten odor coming from upstairs a few weeks after he dyed (e) a long and valiant battle with HIV, a statue will be erected in his honor in front of town hall

Ray leaves behind (a) unpaid bills and a mess (b) dirty laundry and an unmade bed (c) nothing (d) a few paid off mourners (d) a few friends who wish not to be identified (e) a vast fan club, loving family and countless friends

he will be missed by (a) no one (b) bill collectors (c) department of homeland security (d) his family, but they all dyed years ago (e) a few fellow long term HIV survivors

It could be a do it yourself obit online for any passerby to fill out

forgive the gallows humor but that's how i get when I'm in pain and feeling very alone
"If we don't learn to live as brothers, we will perish as fools" - Dr martin Luther King Jr

Offline denb45

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #44 on: October 19, 2008, 04:04:45 PM »
I did have a will drawn up a couple of years ago and one of the only 2 friends i have is much closer to death than me he's also my health care proxy, durable power of attorney, etc. one note I read in here makes me think, if I die totally alone i do not want the vultures from the state descending on my possessions like the soldiers did scrapping over Jesus' clothing after I die. I do state in the will that if both friends die before me I want any money and possessions divided equally among 2 AIDS service organizations and the New England Shelter for Homeless veterans.

Back in the day when we had some support group meetings before all the budget cuts and apathy about living with HIV, we tossed this subject around a lot. As one guy said, after I die what do I care if I'm buried in Arlington Cemetery or a paupers grave...I'll be dead.

As far as a eulogy or obituary goes I could have multiple choice cards printed up with various questions

Ray was (a) better off dead (b) a total asshole (c) who is ray (d) a gentleman (e) a living saint

Ray passed away after (a) god struck him down for being such a heinous sinner (b) stepping in front of a speeding bus (c) doctors screwed up and he dyed during treatment (d) the neighbors complained about the rotten odor coming from upstairs a few weeks after he dyed (e) a long and valiant battle with HIV, a statue will be erected in his honor in front of town hall

Ray leaves behind (a) unpaid bills and a mess (b) dirty laundry and an unmade bed (c) nothing (d) a few paid off mourners (d) a few friends who wish not to be identified (e) a vast fan club, loving family and countless friends

he will be missed by (a) no one (b) bill collectors (c) department of homeland security (d) his family, but they all dyed years ago (e) a few fellow long term HIV survivors

It could be a do it yourself obit online for any passerby to fill out

forgive the gallows humor but that's how i get when I'm in pain and feeling very alone

I'm a SINNER, but, I don't care, I sleep well at night, and it doesn't bother me one bit  ::)
nobodie is perfect, I laugh at everyone in life that ever said they were perfect........just sayin
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline northernguy

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #45 on: October 19, 2008, 05:44:35 PM »
...I have always wanted to donate my body to science but because of the HIV I'm disqualified. Just like in life, in death no one wants my body because of HIV!  :D

Oh, I'm sure you'd find a few who want your body here  ;)

I want to be cremated and scattered on the local nude beach.  Seriously, its a beautiful spot.  The Canadian government pays out a death benefit for funeral expenses, so it should cover the cost.  I've never understood why some people buy a fancy casket for a cremation  ???
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Offline sharkdiver

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Re: After You're Gone, What Do You Want?
« Reply #46 on: October 19, 2008, 09:01:12 PM »
Whatever it is that I eventually decide, although I do know I don't want to be embalmed

In California, at least,  you have to be cremated in a container (ranging from a cardboard type box to a casket).
I just want to make sure that my loved ones don't have to pay for it or have to make decisions while they are grieving. At times , here lately, I feel a little angry at my late partner because he didn't make plans and I was left with such a big fucking mess. Three years and the estate is still not closed. So please make sure you have everything planned out, will and all.

sorry just venting


 


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