Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
December 07, 2016, 11:38:57 AM

Login with username, password and session length

  • Total Posts: 704575
  • Total Topics: 56090
  • Online Today: 252
  • Online Ever: 1421
  • (August 13, 2016, 05:18:44 AM)
Users Online
Users: 3
Guests: 186
Total: 189


Welcome to the POZ Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Thoughts?  (Read 1508 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline BM

  • Member
  • Posts: 340
« on: September 29, 2008, 05:35:47 PM »
I fell ill with PCP and had my HIV diagnosis while in hospital earlier this year. It all happened very quickly. I told my family and a small handful of friends, all the time being quite aware that I didn't want "everyone" to know. I was also aware that those friends I did tell would be quite upset and would want to talk to people other than me, so I let them all know who knew and asked them not to discuss my status with anyone outside of that "circle". So I was quite taken aback when one of my friends casually remarked that he'd told a mutual acquaintance of my status. Rather than get annoyed, I sent a small message to this person asking him to keep what he knew to himself. A couple of days later, my friend essentially tells me off for having spoken to our acquaintance about "my problem". When I asked if perhaps the wrong person was getting annoyed, he said "no, because I know I can trust him, but if he does say anything to anyone, I'll take him up on it".

I was told that one of the reasons he (my friend) had told our acquaintance was because he "needed someone to talk to". But I had already let him know who else I had told, so I feel "because I needed someone to talk to" is a bit of a slap across the face. Also why, if he trusted our acquaintance not to tell anyone, did he feel the need to tell me he had blabbed? I don't exactly feel reassured by the promise to take our acquaintance "up on it" if he tells someone about me: it won't prevent the scenario I was trying to avoid.

I feel so betrayed and angry that my friend doesn't even see where I'm coming from with this. It seems that my HIV status isn't about me.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2008, 09:26:18 PM by BM »

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,416
Re: Thoughts?
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2008, 07:05:55 PM »
My thought is your "friend" is a selfish ass.  I think it was nice of you to consider that they would need someone to talk to and let them know who the circle was.  You have every right to feel anger and betrayal.  I wouldn't consider that person too much of a friend going forward.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,764
Re: Thoughts?
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2008, 10:23:11 AM »
BM, while I can understand your frustration and anger at your friend "outing" you to someone else, the fact remains that we don't have control over what anyone else does, or says and to whom. 

I suppose the thing to consider is, is the anger worth holding onto?  Is the friendship worth holding onto?  If the answer to either or both of these is "no," then let it go.  Otherwise, you might cause some undue stress on your immune system.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 17,061
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Thoughts?
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2008, 11:44:44 AM »
 I agree with what Betty has to say .

 I might add that just to clear the air you may politely point out to your friend that it seems
 unfair that he can talk to anyone he pleases about your affairs but expects you to follow a
 different set of rules .
HIV 101 - Basics
HIV 101
You can read more about Transmission and Risks here:
HIV Transmission and Risks
You can read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
You can read more about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
You can read more about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
You can read more about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Thoughts?
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2008, 12:08:39 PM »
BM (that name gives such an image in my mind!),

I can understand why and how you feel.  However, I don't think it's realistic to tell somebody something with an 'approved' list of those who he can talk about it with.  For one, your friend didn't ask for the confidence.  When I've told people, they've all been very good close friends or family members.  I know these people very well and have confidence in their sense as to who to trust.  Perhaps your friend didn't feel comfortable talking about it with the 'approved' group.  Perhaps HIV came up in conversation between your friend and his confidant.  Instead of going around the one who broke the confidence, perhaps you could have asked HIM to make sure that he's explained how personal this is to you.  Not many of us want to be exposed as being HIV+, but sometimes I think we make it worse ourselves by making an issue out of not wanting anybody to know, like it's something shameful.  It can be difficult to balance the need for support from those close to us with our need for privacy. 

I'll also agree with Betty in asking if the anger is something worth your holding on to?  Secrecy, worrying about people finding out things about us, being concerned about who knows what, anger, etc are all time consuming and take a lot of energy... at least for me.  Take care.

Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline Joe K

  • Standard
  • Member
  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Thoughts?
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2008, 12:35:38 PM »
What a difficult time for you right now and I would take everyone's advice and work at letting this go.  While I can agree with how and why you feel as you do, I believe you may be overlooking some aspects of your situation with your friend.  I've been poz forever and I came out at a time when being gay and poz kept most in the closet.  Like you, I took small steps to reveal my status and for most pozzies, disclosing their status is one of the most difficult aspects of being poz.  When I stated to come out as being poz, I too, had to balance my need for support to allowing those I told, the latitude of telling others, who they may need for their own support.

Everyone has different ways of coping and sometimes you just have to trust others to support you, even if you may not like some of their actions.  I do not think your friend did this out of spite and my guess is he is scrambling for ways to support you and is afraid that he may fail you as a friend.  Personally, I think his comments to you, were his way of apologizing for "violating" your confidence, but also a plea for some guidance on how he can best support you.

You judged this friend to be someone you needed to support you during these difficult times and I would hope your opinion has not changed.  Believe me when I tell you, that you can never have too many friends.  Again, I can sympathize with how you feel, but in the end, it comes down to whether you want to lose this friend, over one of the speed-bumps in life.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 13,214
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Thoughts?
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2008, 04:34:02 PM »
You opened the Pandora's box.  That was humain, you needed support and just wanted people to know something important about you.  David is correct that you can't control other peoples' discussions.  That's humain too, though you might not appreciate it.

When I came out as gay on campus years ago, to a few close friends, geez news sure spread fast. Oh well, that's life.  I didnt feel like losing friends over it. No friends judged me.

Good news travels fast, Bad news travels fast. Drama travels. Etc etc.

I agree with Betty. (Betty, did you change your pseudo???)

Whats the anger worth?  Forgive your friends and move on. Or drop them. The gossips seem immature but humain.  Maybe its not about you, in the end, but their own feelings about HIV.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx


Terms of Membership for these forums

© 2016 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.