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Author Topic: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!  (Read 1730 times)

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Offline Mouse

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  • Om nom nom.
Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« on: September 20, 2008, 05:58:25 PM »
I am really sorry about piling this on you guys. I've been doing my best to keep it to myself and my closest friends as much as possible. I've been seeing a therapist here on campus and sort of mentioned it to him as well, but I never thought I would feel this way about it. I'm ashamed and upset and strangely remorseful.

Since the summer I had been in a relationship (sort of) with a 33 year old guy I met online. We had a lot in common and he appealed to a part of me that was really longing for some kind of social/romantic interaction with someone I felt like was on the same level as me, and as conceited as this is going to sound, I just have always felt like I've had to dumb myself down to get along with people my own age.

Long story short, we lied to my parents and said that I was working for him over the summer, in reality we were just having a lot of sex and he was buying me expensive gifts. I come from a pretty poor family and it was really hard for me to turn down the stuff he was getting for me (stuff to bring to school - including laptop, expensive clothes, etc). But even more than that it was hard for me to turn down the sort of attention I got from him. He seemed to take an interest in my education and pushed me to do all these things. I guess directly because of him I'm really strongly considering to transfer to Brown or another equally good school (looking at Reed, Oberlin...) my junior year. I never really felt motivated before that but just having someone who -I- considered smart telling me that he could see me doing that made me want to.

However, sexually, it was a mess. I'm not comfortable with certain parts of my body being acknowledged because I'm trans. I still have female bits and not to be crude or anything but I can't have vaginal sex, lol. I just can't. But he kept pushing and pushing and coaxing and finally I let him try and it was absolutely horrible. It was painful and terrible and I don't think I even realized at the time how traumatic it was for me. In fact the entire relationship I kept trying to tell myself I was emotionally equipped to deal with it and I really wasn't.

This guy I've been seeing here at school has already gotten grief because of that. He's absolutely wonderful to me, but we were about to have sex and he's significantly bigger than me (I"m kind of a little guy) and as soon as he got on top of me I flipped the fuck out. Like hysterical crying and he had to lay there and hold me for a half hour while I got it out of my system. Just the pressure of his body on me and the inability to move/feel in control made me lose it.

ANYWAY. Thursday night I decided I had had enough of holding this and outright told this guy that I had a boyfriend here, that he essentially raped me and that if he had actually loved me / cared about me the way he said he did he wouldn't have made me do things I didn't want to do.

So we argued and it was terrible and he threatened suicide and then I hung up on him. Like literally, he says, "Are you going to come to the funeral?" *CLICK*.

So I know know know this was for the best. I'm not stupid. I realize it's good that I finally had the courage to do the right thing but now I'm feeling so remorseful about it. I suddenly feel this weird mixture of freedom to do whatever I feel is best but also this lost feeling - I don't know if I can do all the things I want to do. I feel like I was depending on him for me to do well in school. I know how silly that sounds. But now I feel hopeless.

I've been getting trashed every night since that night. I missed my first classes ever Friday morning because I was still drunk when I woke up.

I'm trying to catch up tonight but in the middle of working I"ll just stop and feel so so hopeless. I don't know what the fuck to do. It's so hard to keep from calling him up and apologizing and telling him I didn't mean it just to have him around again. I just don't know. Fuck.

I'm not going to but I just wish the feeling would go away. I just want to feel in control again and happy.

Offline Snowangel

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Re: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2008, 09:46:35 PM »
Mouse-
Try not to think about all the things that he did for you and REALLY think about what he didn't do.  He didn't listen to you when it mattered the most.  You didn't and still don't owe him anything.  You told him how it made you feel and if he genuinely cared about you, his response would have been more along the lines of apologizing, not the BS he pulled.
Give yourself a little lee-way, you are in a totally new environment, around totally new people, you are far from hopeless.  You can and will succeed at anything you put your mind to.  Put him OUT of your mind.  Take the positive things he did for you and leave it at that.  Time to move on.  You deserve much better. 
Be strong!
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Bucko

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Re: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2008, 09:52:51 PM »
Darling-

I've never felt really free without feeling equally lost. It's that tethering that both anchors and chafes...ya know?

The good news? I'm not hearing any real regret about showing that wrist-slasher the door. I'm glad you didn't fall prey to his level of manipulation, at your age I might well have.

The bitch? Watch the booze. Your liver has enough to do right now.

Brown? Really? My little guy's going all Ivy on me? Color me impressed, babe.

Your own
UB <3  
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Online BT65

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Re: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2008, 10:05:57 PM »
Jaser, people who threaten other people with suicide so they can keep them are doing just that-threatening and trying to manipulate.  You've obviously made up your mind that he is not who you want to be with.  Don't feel guilty-get mad if anything that he would try to play such a game with you. 

And I agree with Bucko about the booze.  Don't overdo too much.  There's other things to do.

Take care dear.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline komnaes

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Re: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2008, 10:10:52 PM »
You're a smart guy Mouse but if you haven't figured out it yet it's just because, well, you're still young - some people only know how to get what they want by emotional blackmails. They may seem caring, but at the end it's all about what they want from you. What you need is a pair of solid feet on the ground so whenever they push, you stay where you're like a rock and move only when YOU want to.

Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline Mouse

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  • Om nom nom.
Re: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2008, 10:59:32 PM »
Yeah, there isn't any REAL regret. Like I KNOW without a doubt that it was the right thing to do. But there is still that part of me that misses him - mostly the attention, really. And his obsessiveness over me was appealing, too, I won't lie. He was just completely crazy about me - but for entirely his own selfish motives.

Even the interests he took in me for my benefits were really things that just pleased him.

It was almost as though he wanted me to be a product of his - something he'd worked on and churned out. Something that was an accomplishment of his rather than of mine. My life, I guess.

I just can't believe that the entire thing happened. I keep closing my eyes and picturing like his face and stuff while we were having sex. It makes my stomach turn. I feel like he's taken something from me and I want it back. I don't know if I ever can. If I had trust issues to begin with (I did) this only exasperated them.

I never thought I would let myself get in a situation like this. Or at least not this deeply. Like, Christ, I shouldn't be regretting what I'm regretting. I should be upset that I let myself get into this but in reality, if I'm being totally honest, I miss it in a really sick, masochistic way.

I feel like I'm working on developing some sort of level of security and ... sanity that I don't really care about. It sounds good on paper but as far as what I've gained from it emotionally - I would've been better off staying with him. Not to sound bleak or anything.

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2008, 06:12:10 AM »
Oh, Mouse.

I have spent ages 15-20 having really awful painful wrong sex with guys that were too old and controlling and all that freaky crap that i could only see from a safe distance, so I can kind of identify. But, of course, without my being a transexual, which no doubt puts a much worse spin on it .

Eventually I recovered from that after a few years break from sex and now have (what is for me) a happy healthy sex life.

I know about those mental images and shit, they will be erased with time I hope, judging from own experience. And you know what in some strange way, the horrible guys made me really appreciate the good ones later. And the horrible sex makes me cherish the right kind of sex.

I dont know what to tell you about missing him, cos I am very far from missing those times, but I suppose, closer to the events, I did. But saying No was really important, and turning away from the masochistic side of me, that was watching it all from the side.

I dont know if my experiences are useful to you but since your own revoked them immediately I thought Id write them down.

You have good instincts. Let them lead you to the right people, those that can be trusted. Keep sniffing your way....
« Last Edit: September 21, 2008, 06:26:50 AM by Dragonette »
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline Iggy

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Re: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2008, 09:43:26 AM »
I would've been better off staying with him. Not to sound bleak or anything.

No.  You would not have. 

Mouse, there is not a person on this board who doesn't recognize how special you are, and I don't mean that in some contrived after-school special/hallmark type of way.

The things you have faced really never impressed me as much as your determination to face them.  You have always impressed me most with that though I can imagine it is harder for you to do then it may appear to a stranger on a message board.

All I can say is that I'm sorry this is so rough for you right now, but I think you need to give yourself some credit as well as cut yourself some slack. 

The only advice I'm going to offer is don't miss classes anymore.  That is giving the situation power over you and it doesn't deserve that.  You worked too hard to get where you are education wise to let this affect all of your accomplishments.




Offline bocker3

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  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Well, apparently I can't deal with this on my own!
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2008, 11:42:50 AM »
The only advice I'm going to offer is don't miss classes anymore.  That is giving the situation power over you and it doesn't deserve that.  You worked too hard to get where you are education wise to let this affect all of your accomplishments.

Mouse,

This is such great advice. 
This guy found 2 things that were very useful in his desire to control you -- lavishing attention on you and buying you things.  Do not let his desire to control you impact your future by missing classes.  You made the right decision in getting rid of him, be sure that you use the inner strength you've been showing to all us to keep moving forward. 

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

 


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