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Author Topic: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully  (Read 17006 times)

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Offline YesWeCan

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I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« on: September 14, 2008, 06:11:03 PM »
Every one left me. My parents, my friends. I am the most hated person.My wife is leaving me and my daughter will be gone. Wife will be getting 100 % custody. I am Hiv positive. I am gay. and my religion doesn't permit that. I used to have all those people in my life. I am young, smart, educated. My daughter is only my ray of hope at this time. If I loose her, I have no reason to live. May be this is my last post. May be I never even give my self a chance to read your posts. I am dieing. I don't want to leave this beautiful world, my beautiful daughter who just start walking and who learned how to say NO NO daddy.  I don't want to cry infront of her but I don't want to leave her in this world without me. Why my religion is so hard on me. why my family is so hard on me. I loved every one. but why me why me why me GOD bless all of you. The only person which I hurt is my wife and no one else. I cheated on her and that's it. As soon as I sero convert I told her. I loved this country. I moved to this country because I loved every thing about it. Freedom, people  and I love them but I am just hopeless. I want to die peacefully. Please forgive me that I gave up on you. I don't want to but I don't know what to do. I want to do so many things for my daughter, my wife which I hurt her.

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,395
Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2008, 06:26:50 PM »
Dearest Yes We Can,

I am answering your post not because I am an expert in HIV, or mental health, but because I read your post. My dearest young brother in law committed suicide in late July.

Your post causes me to cry. And, I mean the still deeply grieving type of cry. So, how can I not write to you while you are alive and in such psychic pain.

I hurriedly went back through your few posts and saw that you have a therapist. Can you call that person? And, if not, would you please call the local 311 line for human services in DC?

Meanwhile, I'm going to go off line and find some links to agencies in your area.

Please, don't act on these feelings you are expressing. You will leave in your wake such sorrow and confusion in the lives of your loved ones. Please get some help for your depression. Please give yourself more time to get to the root of your pain, find resolve and move on---let others in to help you find the path.


« Last Edit: September 14, 2008, 06:32:33 PM by emeraldize »

Offline emeraldize

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2008, 06:29:36 PM »
for starters, national until I find local

USA National Suicide Hotlines 
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255 )

Offline emeraldize

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2008, 06:31:56 PM »
Crisis Helpline


Commission on Mental Health Services
Comprehensive Psychiatric mergency Program


Offline emeraldize

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2008, 06:35:49 PM »
Dearest Yes We Can,

Would you consider sending me a PM to let me know you have tried to reach your therapist or one of the hotlines?

Please know that you are not alone. You really truly are not alone!

Depression can so horribly foul up the chemistry our brains. And, you can be so enmeshed in a feeling it is hard to imagine your daughter is going to want to be calling you someday to meet you for lunch.

So, take her first words " No, No, Daddy " to the deepest part of your sensitive heart. She needs you now and she will always.


Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2008, 07:25:14 PM »

Your daughter needs her father.  You may want to talk to a lawyer about how you can best keep your daughter's right to have access to you.  Others have been down this path before you and there are almost certainly ways for you to be the significant part of her life that she needs you to be.

This site has an Aids Service Organization locator ( http://directory.poz.com/    ) -- you can enter your zip code and look for organizations that offer legal assistance -- you might want to start by talking to Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) .  www.pflagdc.org

Please do not give up .  Fight -- for your daughter and for your self.

5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%
2014 VL UD - 48
2015 VL 130 Moved to Triumeq

Offline Robert

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2008, 02:06:46 AM »

I want to do so many things for my daughter

So please help yourself to help your daughter grow up and learn about her loving father.

Yes, you can do this.


Offline auspoz

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  • Posts: 178
Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2008, 03:18:51 AM »
You have made a very brave step in posting your thoughts here. It may seem to be a small step, but it isn't- it's massive.

You can do this, you can survive. And the beginnings of the hope that you have trouble seeing at the moment are in your little girl- I know that you can see that.

It seems hard, but please please keep asking for help. You can do this, and you are stronger than you think right now. Hang on and keep reaching out.

Please let us know how you are soon. I'm thinking of you, and I have hope for you. And you don't even know me, but somewhere in Australia is some guy who felt a lot like you some time ago, wishing he could do more to comfort you. You are not alone.


Offline next2u

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2008, 05:10:18 AM »
i dont hate you. i dont think anyone here does. your situation sounds quite dire and i cant tell you it will get better. but, i can ask that you wait and try to make it better. for yourself, your daughter and anyone else who cares. i may not know you, but i do care about your well being and it worries me that you are in this state.

there are a lot of things going on in your life right now. i believe whenever we have chaos (which happens far too often) it helps to deal with only one thing at a time. that thing would be your health. have you seen a dr? what does your therapist say? can you reach out to an therapist at an ASO group? Em posted some great resources for you, please use them.

if we can be of any assistance please reach out to us, we are here for you. remember, don't do anything drastic at this time. try and keep your schedule as normal as possible and remember it is okay to hurt, but don't hurt yourself. life is definitely a bitch at times -- lets see through this together.

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feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
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oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
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mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
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Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,395
Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2008, 08:03:02 AM »
I don't think Yes We Can will mind me letting you know he wrote late last night to let me know he is okay---more than okay. He may not yet realize you responded so thoughtfully to his thread.

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Posts: 28,303
Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2008, 08:11:15 AM »
You've already received some thoughtful and knowledgeable responses here.

You've also made clear how dark and despairing you're feeling right now. As others have said, your daughter is going to need her father as she grows up. Having to grow up after a parent has committed suicide is something that scars a person forever. However imperfect you may feel as a person now, you are worth a great deal to her being alive.

Even things that can seem insoluble by any other means have a way of changing.

It is not a weakness to change your mind and decide to go on living, as hard as that maybe.

And if you feel that you are  on the verge of acting on your impulse, then you need to get yourself to an emergency room of the nearest hospital. They will be able to help you and to help your little daughter's father to get help.

There are people here who have lived through much of what you have described and felt like you too. Keep coming here and you will be able to benefit from their experience and understanding.

Let us know how things are going.

Andy Velez

Offline YesWeCan

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  • Posts: 6
Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2008, 09:55:25 AM »
I am feeling better now. Emeraldize gave me the crisis line phone and I called the therapist. She was the sweetest  lady I ever talked to and I opened my self to her. She listened to me and then we start talking for hours on the phone. I just had eye surgery on my retina and I just got too depressed with that. HIV is my least concern. I am not concerned about how long I will live because I know that I can live longer and healthier now-a-days. I got very depressed because I am going through so many changes in my life and I was not seeking support. I don't have my family in my life  and my friends but yesterday I realized that I do have friends as well as family and you all my real family. My mind was thinking so many things and I need to take one step at a time. I am thinking about converting my main religion, moving to my own place. So many things and then I see my daughter who just starts walking and just learned saying No No. As a father I just learned that it is so easy to love your children and it is so important but I never had that love while growing up and definitely not  after I my diagnosis. My family thinks that as a gay and HIV positive I deserve to die. They told me that my death would not mean any thing to them because I am dead for them. They told me that I am a shame in society and I deserve to go to Hell because my religion doesn't permit that. They are not GOD but they are making decisions like they are messenger of God. After reading your posts, I have hope. I am lucky that I am in a country where I can live with dignity. I you all. I am sure I will find the love of parents, brother, sisters here. I am just so blessed but yesterday I just didn't realize that. I took a day off and i will have some fun time with my daughter. I love you all. and GOD bless you all.

Offline orishaspollo

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  • Posts: 43
Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2008, 10:30:08 AM »

Well religion itself sais "there is no one perfect, not one" "all have sinned and have felt short of the glory of God"

So, relax

First of all, you are very brave, second, the fact that you're gay doesn't means that God stopped loving you or that you are worth less than anyone else.

Dude, just relax, your family needs to learn to forgive

So you start forgiving them (I suppose it's really hard), for saying those things to you, and for their attitudes towards you

God bless

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2008, 07:09:13 PM »
Hope you had a good time with your daughter. Those little ones can break your heart just by being so lovable at times. Enjoy those wonderful times. Hold in there and bit by bit you maybe surprised at how much better life can get.

And feel free to drop in here as often as you like.   
Andy Velez

Offline Alain

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  • I am.
Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2008, 07:29:08 PM »
YesWeCan all do this together. You are not alone and it is good news to hear from you.

Welcome to this place. :)

Offline Eyesing

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2008, 10:29:21 AM »
I'm so glad to read your follow-up, and glad you are doing better.  This forum really is a very touching place.  I wish you all the best

Offline Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #16 on: September 20, 2008, 06:55:59 PM »
I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and seem to be feeling a little more stable.  What you are experiencing is perfectly normal and the fact that it is depressing at times, can be very frustrating.  I too became poz when my daughter was very young and I was rejected by my family, friends and church.  But I refused to be denied the right to life a good life and so I fought for what I wanted and you can do the same and there are many organizations that can help you.

You have some great resources already listed and I would further suggest you contact your local Family Court and talk with someone about custody and visitation guidelines and you will find that they cannot deny you contact with your daughter because you are HIV positive.  You are taking a very powerful first step in reclaiming your life, so just give it some time and realize that some days will be better than others.

Your daughter both wants and needs her father, because she does not care that you are positive, because she, unlike some adults, loves you unconditionally.  You did noting to deserve HIV, nobody does, and you have every right to live as good of a life as you can make happen.

I repeat the offer of support and if you want to discuss any issue privately, please feel free to PM me.

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: I have no hope, no life, no one. I just want to die peacefully
« Reply #17 on: September 23, 2008, 09:26:09 PM »
I'm glad to hear you made the decision to live.  As others have said your daughter needs you, even if her mother and your family can't grasp the most basic lessons of religion, which is to love unconditionally.

As for your religion.  A religion which persecutes hate has it's own issues and you don't need that.  You need a religion that acknowledges God as a loving and accepting force for good.  You also need a religion which acknowledges the perfection in each of us including our sexuality and health.  Unfortunately ignorance sometimes hides behind the mask of religion, don't let it sour you.  Faith is tested many times in many ways and sometimes it requires you to actively seek out a safe place to express and hold your faith.

My first boyfriend used to say "That which does not destroy me only makes me stronger."  I tend to think that is a good line sometimes.

It sounds to me like you are coming out, being a parent, dealing with HIV, and shouldering your families narrow minded learning curve.  That's a heck of a lot for anyone to do.  Let alone all at once.  You've taken the right step by getting in touch with a counselor.  The next step is to expand your social network.  You will quickly find that you are not alone in being gay and HIV positive.  There are many of us and we span the age groups.

1. It's very possible for you to have a healthy, loving, and committed relationship as an HIV positive gay man. 
2. There are many activities ranging from socials to camp-outs that are organized for HIV positive gay men.  (there are other things for others, but I want to point out what you have to look forward to).
3. You can lead a long life if you adhere to treatment and take care of your body. 
4. There is no reason you can't participate fully in your daughter's life as a parent.
5. Set aside the hate that your family is hiding behind.  My guess is they are in shock and pain and the hate is their way of coping with you being gay, HIV+, and getting divorced.  It may take time for God to show them the error of their ways and for them to learn to love you for who you are, who you have always been. 

Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.


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