Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
October 25, 2014, 02:21:55 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 643504
  • Total Topics: 48963
  • Online Today: 174
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 5
Guests: 124
Total: 129

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: I feel Guilty  (Read 2016 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline traveltramp

  • Member
  • Posts: 39
I feel Guilty
« on: September 09, 2008, 10:21:59 PM »
I tested positive in August 2007.. I was infected in May 2007...  and I feel guitly that I am so healthy...

I dont take care of myself......

I smoke... like a pack or more a day...
I drink.. at least 4 drinks a day...
I use drugs..  not so often but I know zero drug use is the only way...
I lie and dont have safe sex....

I am horrible and I feel like shit because I see so many people with so many problems and I do nothing to better my situation .. I do everything I can to not help myself...

I am tired of the lies... I am tired of myself and I am tired of what I do... so... I feel Guilty...

I dont like who I am.... I have to get this out in the open.. I know what I do is WRONG... I know what I feel is WRONG.. I just feel so fucking WRONG about all that I do...

I do not have a stable life at all... I have been backpacking around the world for years now and I cant seem to stop because I am so afraid of telling the truth... I want to tell the truth.. I want to love myself.. I want to be a good person.. and do good things.. and be happy.. but all I seem to do is get worse and worse and worse and more bad... Dammit.. I know it was not always this way...

I move from one hostel to another hostel never staying in one place longer than a month.. I am so tired of this..

I have major CREDIT problems.. IRS problems in my home country.. I travel so I dont have to get close enough to anyone because I dont trust myself and therfore I dont trust anyone...

I am too much of a chickenshit and be a man and just go and pay the price for my stupid stupid stuipd decisions that I have made.. I am afraid of the consequences.. and I want to just get sick.. is this so bad?  I know it is horrible to say.. I know this in my heart.. but then I suppose I can feel better that I feel bad? I am so confused.. I am so lonely but I dont let anyone in because I am such A BIG LIER and I cant seem to tell the difference between the truth and the lies anymore... I want to be good.. I do... fuck fuck fuck!  I dont know what to do... where to go.. I have no home.. I have nothing except my fucking backpack.. and go from one place to another...  I have seen so much of the world and I am so lost.. I see so much of the world is in shit.. so many poor.. so many people that have life so much worse than me.. yet all I do is complain and feel bad about myself.. I know I am SUPER SELFISH... I know I know... I cry because my ice cream is too cold...

I cant think straight.. I am a big LIER and I hurt people and I dont want to do this anymore...

how do I fix this... how do I clean myself of this hate.. how do I be a good person.. how can I start over.....  cry cry cry....

5/7 SEROCOVERSION
7/7 CD4 669
9/7 CD4 1079 V/L 1200
2/8 CD4 803   V/L 3050
4/8 CD4 805   V/L 2200
9/8 CD4 959   V/L 2418
1/9 CD4 909   V/L 550

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,642
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2008, 10:35:59 PM »
Wow that's quite a story.   It seems as if you are waiting for LIFE to deal you some big cataclysmic event that "pulls the rug out from under you".  Why wait for that?  Believe me, it will not make it any easier.

Take charge of your life while you still have your health, and the ability to turn things around.   What has happened to make you feel you are not worthy or deserving of a good and decent life?  You are.

You have taken the first step:  realizing how lucky and blessed you are.   Use that, and move forward from it.   Help someone else who is not so fortunate.

Good luck to you.......

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 12,186
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2008, 10:58:36 PM »
I have never been through some of the things that you are dealing with , but I do know what its like to feel empty inside and lonely . I can also identify with the feeling that I have ran out of places to run to .

One thing I have learned is that there is always hope and time changes everything .
If you ever need someone to talk to just send me a personal message and I will get back to you .
                       Jeff

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,353
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2008, 11:37:25 PM »
Hey TT

Aside from what I wrote in your thread yesterday (the one about having gotten your numbers) I would add something else. You wrote the following above:

I smoke... like a pack or more a day...
I drink.. at least 4 drinks a day...
I use drugs..  not so often but I know zero drug use is the only way...
I lie and dont have safe sex....

I think it's a safe bet you're addicted to at least two of the four above. Why not try attending a twelve-step meeting in the area you think is most problematic? No matter what, the steps lead you on a path of getting to know yourself, others, apologizing or owning ways in which you've harmed people and so on. And, such programs, when worked, can benefit the entirety of your life. The credit and tax problems can be handled. You just have to show up and do the work life requires of you.

You're healthy enough to be on the run, out of country, moving from hostel to hostel...

The "I lie and don't have safe sex" is just plain worth addressing immediately. Not sure how you do that without some counselling to address why you do that. I take it from what you wrote that you say you're negative if you're asked and you don't think it's necessary to have safe sex---for others' benefits or even your own (to prevent picking up still more STDs). Your viral load is detectable and you know you could be infecting people. I can fathom what might keep you from being honest, but given all the ramifications of the virus once it enters a person's body and life, I don't understand why you are not using condoms. Wanna lower that guilt level pronto? Buy a box of condoms and commit to using them.

You ask " how do I fix this? " You simply start. You know what you have to do. And, it all relies upon honesty. I have a friend who credits his life transformation to sobriety via AA for the past 22 years. He often quotes one of his favorite mentors in the program who advised, " Our chief mission in life is to see things as they truly are."

Em

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2008, 12:05:22 AM »
Wait.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline joemutt

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,042
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2008, 01:10:39 AM »
You have felt like this before.

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,646
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2008, 01:56:41 AM »
hi tramp   OO.

It sounds to me like it's about time to hit the road again.  Or did you just get back?   I'm curious, are you back in the States? Did you survive India? 

Quote
I lie and dont have safe sex....

I hope you're not leaving tracks, so to speak.  That wouldn't be too cool but that's probably the reason for all the self-loathing.  Put a stop to that and I guarantee you'll feel better.  Or is it the other way around?

Here's an idea.  Be a migrant worker for awhile.  Go over to the Western Slope (Fruita is as good a place as any) and pick some peaches (I guess that season's come and gone).  Well then, come out here to N. California and pick apples.  Work your way up the coast to WAshington.  Come next spring take a flight over to New Zealand and pick some more apples over there. Then visit our friend Jan on her farm.  She'll put you to work cleaning stalls.  I guarantee you'll feel better after all that.  Our friend Ming did that and he feels like a million bucks, virus and all.

robert
..........

Offline traveltramp

  • Member
  • Posts: 39
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2008, 05:34:31 AM »
Well my friends.. all of you are right.. and I know that it is my RESPONSIBLITY to deal with my CREATIONS.....  I made this.. and I can unmake it just the same...  for those of you that know me.. I panic every three months or so.... and completely loose it......

AlanBama...

It is true.. I am on a mission to have life hit me with a huge blow so I can continue to not take responsibility for my actions.. this is of course very WRONG and it will happen and I will again sit and cry like a baby and feel sorry for myself... I know that this is not the way.. I like so many people put the responsibly of how I feel.. how I act.. etc.. on outside forces.. I know that this is FALSE.. and it is the hard way..... I must pick myself up.. and brush myself off and remind myself that I can do the right things.. with right thought and right action...

You ask a good question.. why don't I feel like I deserve a good life... I don't know.. .. I can see it this way.. I deserve love.. then I must be deserving of love.... If I deserve goodness.. then I must do good things... WOW!  what a concept.. now.. I must practice...and be mindfull.. and be kind to myself.....


jg1962
I am selfish to think I have an exclusive option on suffering... thank you for reminding me that I am not the only one that feels the same way.. I know it is not in what we do so much as what the end result is..... suffering is suffering.. how we get there is different for all of us.. and how we get out of it is the same... love of self will result in love of others... respect of self leads to respect of others...

emeraldize
I have been free of my addictions.. and I know that it is the best thing in the world.. to have so much respect for myself and love that I would not even consider drinking a soda.. I am a person of great extreme.. I am either trying to kill myself.. or I am trying to live the best that it possible.. I can not balance both it seems and go from one to the other.... but I know that when I like myself.. I like myself lots and am a good guy.... just miss this part of me... I don't know where I loose it though...


The sex part... well.. It is simple.. I am afraid... so afraid I put myself and others at risk because I am a chickenshit and this is no excuse... I am weak and selfish and I want to be normal and not be rejected.  I want to be something that I am not so I pretend to be something that I am not... I am completely WRONG in my action.. I must commit to myself and to everyone else to stop this... NOW.....

I PROMISE TO MYSELF TO BE HONEST NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES... I MAY BE REJECTED AND I MUST ACCEPT THIS.. I MAY NOT BE REJECTED AND I MUST ACCEPT THIS.. I MUST NOT HARM MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE OF MY SELFISH ACTIONS ANF FEAR

God forgive me... I cant seem to forgive myself...

and you are right... I must simply start.. anytime.. now is best...  I can not do anything to repair the past... I can start over ... again...

jkinalt2
Yes.....

joemutt...
I know... thank you.. and I have felt great too.. so where do I go wrong.. why must I go from the highest peaks to the lowest lows.......

Robert..

Yes.. I made it though India.. what a great country that is.. if you want to know the details pvt message me...

Thanks everyone... thanks for your love.... I needed it.. and always do
5/7 SEROCOVERSION
7/7 CD4 669
9/7 CD4 1079 V/L 1200
2/8 CD4 803   V/L 3050
4/8 CD4 805   V/L 2200
9/8 CD4 959   V/L 2418
1/9 CD4 909   V/L 550

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2008, 01:52:18 PM »
.. all of you are right.. and I know that it is my RESPONSIBLITY to deal with my CREATIONS.....  I made this.. and I can unmake it just the same...  for those of you that know me.. I panic every three months or so....   
 

It's nice to hear you have the gumption to unmake situations - The pain often helps us to "not repeat" the mistakes. Here's a hug of light for extra strength.

~ AH

Offline fearless

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,191
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2008, 06:27:22 PM »
other than lying and having unsafe sex, I don't see that there is too much wrong.
only you can change your life and it's real easy. just stop doing the things you don't want to do. stop being a self indulgent twat and get on with your life and live it the way you want to. there's nothing wrong with backpacking round the world for the rest of your life, if that's what you want to do.
rahter than pitying yourself, be grateful for what you have
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2008, 11:10:57 PM »
You know what you need to do and what you shouldn't be doing.  If you want to change then do it.  Backpacking around the world?! How exciting! Stop beating yourself up, slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy what's around you. Enjoy the travels;  the different cultures, different foods, different surroundings.  Take it all in and cherish it! Appreciate it! Sounds as if you've got a good head on your shoulders because you're fully aware of your feelings and your actions so be honest and respect yourself.  Sure it's scary, life usually is, but if you really want to change yourself for the better then you can make it happen.
 :-*
Lots of luck and Take Care.
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline joemutt

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,042
Re: I feel Guilty
« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2008, 04:14:21 AM »




joemutt...
I know... thank you.. and I have felt great too.. so where do I go wrong.. why must I go from the highest peaks to the lowest lows.......


[/quote]

Well since you're in this corner of the world and your fear seems to be cyclical,
why not go on a meditation retreat in India or Thailand,
it helped me a lot not to confront my fears but to acknowledge them and "sit" with them.
I would suggest Goenka (in Thailand and India) these are free. or Wat Suan Mokkh (Chaya Thailand, 50 usd)
These retreats are about meditation not budhism and last 10 days, quite strict regmens but I had no problem with that. Be Well.

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.