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Author Topic: Ignorance in Personals Ads  (Read 20007 times)

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Offline madbrain

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #100 on: September 29, 2008, 05:45:00 AM »
In a better world, all poz people would know they are poz, there would be caution without stigma, all poz people would disclose before sex, all poz people who wanted treatment could get it.  Would that change the "epidemic" in the gay community?

Yes, I think it would change the dynamics of the epidemic, especially if something could be done about the stigma around HIV. If the stigma wasn't still so prevalent, there would be much less motivation for somebody not to disclose their status than there is today. I am convinced that most non-disclosure occurs because of (well-founded) fear of rejection. It is very distressing to read that some people are out there infecting others on purpose, but I sincerely hope that they are not the majority of what's driving the epidemic today.

By and large I think most HIV- people are not well informed about what it means to have HIV. They only get told about transmission risks and what steps to avoid getting it. They don't really get told what will happen if they do end up getting it. I'm not saying living with HIV is a piece of cake by any means, but it is not the death sentence it once was, and it is far better than having many other diseases like, say, some cancers, where the life expectancy is really much shorter. Yet we hear a lot about people in their family members having cancers, and hardly a peep about people living with HIV. And when it comes to couples, it's even worse. If only one spouse has cancer they may not be so reluctant to tell others about it, but if only one spouse has HIV ... Well, short of Shawn Decker I can't name another one on the top of my head. I believe the only way for us to end the stigma is for us to come out about it. It is not something to be proud of by any means, but it shouldn't be something to be ashamed of either. There is a heck of a lot of work to do in that area.

I think perhaps if people had more knowledge of what it means to get and live with the disease, come to realize they will still live fairly long if they take care of themselves, that they can still live in a couple even if their partner is not the same status, even have kids, then perhaps a lot of the psychological counseling that usually accompanies diagnosis today wouldn't be required anymore at the time a test result is given. Perhaps rapid HIV tests could be distributed or sold directly to the public, rather than be available only in a few places with limited hours and by apointment only as they are today. I think that would be huge progress. That would make the whole question of disclosure irrelevant overnight, at least for those who are willing to wait 20 minutes for the test result. It would certainly stop the people who are trying to infect others on purpose dead in their tracks. It would also force everybody else who hasn't disclosed yet to do so. Of course, those rapid tests are not cheap. And they are not approved for individual use. They cost far more than condoms. I do not know the exact cost, but I have heard around $60. But perhaps these costs can be brought down somewhat by the economics of mass production ? I sure wish people could buy a 100-pack of oraquick tests at costco as they can a box of condoms (even if it costs more).  And the government who is already paying for the meds through ADAP and so on could do the math and chip in for part of these costs if it will mean paying for fewer meds in the long run. They could have a class about HIV in schools where they would explain the tests and their purpose, what to do if there is a positive result - seek treatment, help instead of reject their partner, make sure to always have safe-sex with them without exception, use to PEP if there is an accident. And the testing kits would be distributed in schools, along with the condoms. Of course by now I'm thinking about some completely alternate universe where government plays a much more proactive role in healthcare than it does today in the USA. Whatever it would cost, I'm sure it would be much less than $700 billion ...

Quote
Not speaking of this rude guy, but do we ridicule the HIV negative people for their wishful thinking for lower HIV danger?  Isn't that the future we all want.

Yes, it is indeed.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2008, 05:50:51 AM by madbrain »

Offline mecch

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #101 on: September 29, 2008, 01:29:48 PM »
Hmm, is there still life in this thread!

So I was inspired to place a Personal Ad on my local chat that clearly said I was poz and looking for whatever with the same.  No picture yet, not ready...

So I got about 10 responses the first few days -- all from HIV negative guys who either
1) thanked me for my honesty
or
2) mostly said my ad was appealing, and do I limit myself only to poz guys, because want to meet me.

I did a national search on any key words that might indicate someone is HIV poz and got about 50 out of tens of thousands....

So conclusion - there is a fair amount of stigma among pozzies ourselves?

To be continued.



“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #102 on: September 29, 2008, 01:55:35 PM »
I'm sometimes surprised by how many times I have been contacted by guys that did not even bother to read the part about me being POZ .

Offline madbrain

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #103 on: September 29, 2008, 04:33:41 PM »
I'm sometimes surprised by how many times I have been contacted by guys that did not even bother to read the part about me being POZ .

Yes, that never ceases to amaze me also. I don't know if people can't read or do not want to read the ads or emails.

Offline David_CA

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #104 on: September 29, 2008, 06:03:28 PM »
I'm sometimes surprised by how many times I have been contacted by guys that did not even bother to read the part about me being POZ .

Which is why, if it's a hook-up that's being planned, it's probably best to mention it in any PM's or emails prior to actually meeting.  I consider stating one is HIV+ or 'ask me' (depending on the site) in a profile as the first round of filtering potential contacts.  The second, more certain way is to openly mention it.  Perhaps it's easier to ask the other person their status.  If negative, it would be easy to say "You realize I'm HIV+, right?"  That might be easier for some than to just blurt out "I'm HIV+." 
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #105 on: September 29, 2008, 06:17:03 PM »
David , that's what I was trying to get at , just much better said by you .

When I read someones profile that has contacted me with interest and they don't say they are POZ  I always disclose at that point . I have yet to hook up but I have met some fun guys both Neg. and POZ .

Better safe than sorry .

Offline denb45

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #106 on: September 29, 2008, 07:45:27 PM »
Which is why, if it's a hook-up that's being planned, it's probably best to mention it in any PM's or emails prior to actually meeting.  I consider stating one is HIV+ or 'ask me' (depending on the site) in a profile as the first round of filtering potential contacts.  The second, more certain way is to openly mention it.  Perhaps it's easier to ask the other person their status.  If negative, it would be easy to say "You realize I'm HIV+, right?"  That might be easier for some than to just blurt out "I'm HIV+." 

Wouldn't it be a lot easier to only put ads in POZ sites only, I say why even bother w/ non-Poz-sites, whats the point in going to them at all..................just sayin"  :-\ at least in a POZ site the only thing you really have to worry about is STD's if you choose to have unsafe sex.................but, on the other hand rejection
isn't always due to being POZ, it could be a lot of things, maybe they just don't fine you attractive, or maybe, that person just isn't your type? it could be a whole host of reasons why............
« Last Edit: September 29, 2008, 07:56:32 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #107 on: September 29, 2008, 07:54:14 PM »
I'm sure they are out there but I have never visited a site that is considered a non poz site .
« Last Edit: September 29, 2008, 07:58:36 PM by jg1962 »

Offline David_CA

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #108 on: September 29, 2008, 09:01:12 PM »
Wouldn't it be a lot easier to only put ads in POZ sites only, I say why even bother w/ non-Poz-sites, whats the point in going to them at all..................just sayin"  :-\ at least in a POZ site the only thing you really have to worry about is STD's if you choose to have unsafe sex.................but, on the other hand rejection isn't always due to being POZ, it could be a lot of things, maybe they just don't fine you attractive, or maybe, that person just isn't your type? it could be a whole host of reasons why............

Easy.  There are very few HIV+ only sites in general.  For example, in our area, there are more HIV+ guys that state their HIV+ status on Manhunt.  There are others that don't state, or say they're negative but 'confess' when they find another HIV+ guy.  I personally don't have a problem disclosing on such sites.  Also, the sites that are the most effective, that get the best results are the ones I'll use.  Unfortunately, so far, that's not an HIV+ site.

Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline mecch

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #109 on: September 30, 2008, 11:06:09 PM »
Wouldn't it be a lot easier to only put ads in POZ sites only, I say why even bother w/ non-Poz-sites, whats the point in going to them at all

1) My experiment would suggest that negative guys welcome poz guys both on the sites, and as potential dates, sexdates, or boyfriends.  Maybe that's because on the site in question in my country, HIV is the elephant in the room.

2) Sites mentioned in USA - poz status doesnt prevent people from getting what they want from the site that includes both poz and neg.

voila
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline madbrain

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #110 on: October 01, 2008, 07:39:39 AM »
Wouldn't it be a lot easier to only put ads in POZ sites only,

Well, everyone has different criteria. If you insist on only meeting another poz person, then yes, it makes sense to limit yourself to those sites indeed. For me, I think that greatly and unnecessarily limits the pool of available partners.

Quote
I say why even bother w/ non-Poz-sites, whats the point in going to them at all..................just sayin"  :-\ at least in a POZ site the only thing you really have to worry about is STD's if you choose to have unsafe sex.................but, on the other hand rejection
isn't always due to being POZ, it could be a lot of things, maybe they just don't fine you attractive, or maybe, that person just isn't your type? it could be a whole host of reasons why............

Of course there can be a whole lot of other reasons there isn't a match. The other reasons are why I have never met a single person from a poz-only site. The available pool on poz-only sites is just much smaller, and that just makes it that much harder to get a match.

If you choose not to have unsafe sex, then the poz-only sites are a really bad place to go, as I found most people on those sites only want unsafe sex, and I'm not down for that, as I'm in no rush to get extra STDs on top of the HIV.

Despite all the discrimination that I have seen on the non-poz sites, I still have made much more than 0 match on them. It is very time consuming, and annoying, to deal with the reactions to the H-bomb each time I drop it, but it is still worth it for those times that a match do happen, usually with neg guys (or poz guys who won't disclose, even to another poz guy) who would never have been on the poz sites.

Offline denb45

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #111 on: October 01, 2008, 10:22:52 AM »
Well, everyone has different criteria. If you insist on only meeting another poz person, then yes, it makes sense to limit yourself to those sites indeed. For me, I think that greatly and unnecessarily limits the pool of available partners.

Of course there can be a whole lot of other reasons there isn't a match. The other reasons are why I have never met a single person from a poz-only site. The available pool on poz-only sites is just much smaller, and that just makes it that much harder to get a match.

If you choose not to have unsafe sex, then the poz-only sites are a really bad place to go, as I found most people on those sites only want unsafe sex, and I'm not down for that, as I'm in no rush to get extra STDs on top of the HIV.

Despite all the discrimination that I have seen on the non-poz sites, I still have made much more than 0 match on them. It is very time consuming, and annoying, to deal with the reactions to the H-bomb each time I drop it, but it is still worth it for those times that a match do happen, usually with neg guys (or poz guys who won't disclose, even to another poz guy) who would never have been on the poz sites.


If you REALLY want to meet a POZ person like you for a LTR, then maybe you need to get-off-the-internet, go out to a HIV+ Support Group, and find an POZ guy that you like, and you have something in common with, the internet can be a very mean place to meet someone who is Honest about who they are ,and what they want...Real interpersonal meetings with a Real person, gets the PRIZE....just something to consider here  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline madbrain

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #112 on: October 01, 2008, 08:33:55 PM »
Hey,

If you REALLY want to meet a POZ person like you for a LTR, then maybe you need to get-off-the-internet, go out to a HIV+ Support Group, and find an POZ guy that you like, and you have something in common with, the internet can be a very mean place to meet someone who is Honest about who they are ,and what they want...Real interpersonal meetings with a Real person, gets the PRIZE....just something to consider here  ;)

I didn't think this thread was specifically about personal ads for LTRs, but that it included all kinds of personals, also including hookups, friends with benefits, etc. I am already in an LTR, and I'm not looking to replace my bf. The relationship is open, but it has been much lower in the sex department than I want, so I use the personals to get my needs met, with varying degrees of success. I still don't have a regular guy for sex as much as I wish I did.

I went to a support group for about one year regularly after my diagnosis. It helped with support a lot, but not really find guys that I related to. Most people who attended were much older (around 2x my age) and not working, and though they provided much helpful support, they weren't people I was looking to get in bed with. When I started working full time again at the beginning of the year, it became harder for me to attend the group, so I had mostly stopped going. I did go again 2 mondays ago and was pleasantly surprised to find a guy within 6 months of my age. I had him over at my place the following weekend for a movie, and a little bit of action. We are both tops though, so not exactly great matches in that department. But at least I made a new friend.
« Last Edit: October 01, 2008, 08:53:05 PM by madbrain »

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #113 on: October 01, 2008, 09:10:20 PM »
I'm sometimes surprised by how many times I have been contacted by guys that did not even bother to read the part about me being POZ .

Lines on a monitor blur through the other end of a lit crack pipe honey.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #114 on: October 01, 2008, 10:48:35 PM »
Lines on a monitor blur through the other end of a lit crack pipe honey.

LOL!  :D Very Karen Walker, both the comment and your avatar.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #115 on: October 02, 2008, 08:45:41 PM »
Lines on a monitor blur through the other end of a lit crack pipe honey.


LOL , You always give me something to think about .  ;D

Offline Graywolf

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #116 on: October 05, 2008, 06:33:48 PM »
I've seen a few nasty ones on manhunt

"Don't even think of emailing or IMing me if you have HIV. I will blow you off faster than you can blink"

"If you're HIV+ please keep your disease to yourself and leave the rest of us alone"

I've also gotten a few very mean emails in my poz social profile

"I hope you don't think anyone would have sex with you. You look like you have AIDS"

"You played, now you pay. We don't need to have our noses rubbed in your problems. You made your bed now sleep in it and shuit the fuck up"

"I'll be glad when all of you are dead and we can get on with life."

These came from the beautyful trible tatt'd, 8 pack ab horse hung circuit party set and mails were totally unsolicited, then they blocked me. >:(
"If we don't learn to live as brothers, we will perish as fools" - Dr martin Luther King Jr

Offline Graywolf

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Re: Ignorance in Personals Ads
« Reply #117 on: October 05, 2008, 06:47:51 PM »
I almost forgot, Someone mentioned seems guy don't read. In my Poz4Social profile I state that I've been poz for over 23 years and open to helping newly diagnosed poz and long termers, plus have Poz checked off. I still get the question asked "poz or neg?"

This story is funny as well as sad, I had just got in MH 5 years ago and was chatintg with a local guy, very hot looking had neg in his profile, I figured he rad my profile and told him on the phone I was poz and he said, no problem?

He comes over, dick in hand like a cat in hear dargging his ass on the floor, wanted me to screw and dump in him BB. I repeated, well I'm not really into anal all that much any more, I told you that and youi know I am poz, right?

Now the envelope please..........yeah I was gonna ask you what's that mean

So I told him in shock, "it means I'm HIV positive"

His reply, "You have AIDS and you were gonna fuck me raw" you gpo to hell you bastard and he stormed out the door........I had hte itchy suspicion he was tweaked and I do NOT mix it up with tweakers ever.

I have bene told my profile pics are very nice and recent, no big hog pics or gaping butt shots. Guys don't read, they see a pic they think is hot and their brain sinks down between their legs


I should write a long entry in here about a lot of the interesting, ignorant and stupid questions I'v ebene asked, could fill a book.
"If we don't learn to live as brothers, we will perish as fools" - Dr martin Luther King Jr

 


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