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Author Topic: I am trying to work through things  (Read 8084 times)

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Offline Peter6836

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I am trying to work through things
« on: August 20, 2008, 02:07:32 PM »
Thought I would start a new thread that I could grouse on. I am trying to deal with all of the changes in my life. This virus has played havoc with my mental health. I have had a lot of problems concentrating as I have said before. I am being treated by a psych for my bipolar. I have applied for an early retirement, I have applied for SSDI. I have spoken to a lawyer about getting my job back. She suggested that I was unable to complete my certification and perhaps that is a sign that I cannot do my job anymore.
It is not easy to admit that she may be right. I do not want to be disabled. I want to work just do not know that I can do the high stress job of teaching in the inner city.
I am feeling better mentally today for the moment. I am hoping that i can make this all work and find another job, as well as get my early retirement and be able to keep my benefits. I am working on all of these things and the paper work is stressful. I just want to continue to have enough of an income to live where I live and survive.
I hate admitting that I might not be able to do what i once did. It is not a good feeling to admit that this virus has changed my life. I have wanted to fight the changes. I suppose i need to admit that changes here are inevitable. I just wish it did not have to take so long. I wish it would be over and things could be under control.
Peter

Offline ArisGreekSquared

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2008, 03:19:59 PM »
Peter,

Listen to me, please don't give up and settle for that.  I was diagnosed + at 14 and I had the motivation to go on and educate myself and get all of my certifications.  I have a Bachelors in Operations Management and Decision Sciences, a Bachelor's in Biology and a Masters in Human Resources.  I also have taken the PHR exam which is real hard and I am a Level 1 Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA) and have passed my CFP, as well.

I had to overcome obstacles to get to where I was today (especially with people saying I'd be dead in 5-8 years) and often times I thought I couldnt' do it because of being +.  I thought, "What am I doing?" and I snapped out of it.  Maybe go on medicine for bi-polar disorder (if it's bad enough for you to need it), but PLEASE don't give up on your certification!

Try, try, try again! You don't want to be down on yourself for not trying. Even if it takes extra time just study and pass those boards or whatever you need to take!

The lawyer was wrong in saying it may be a sign...granted they want your business, but why not seek help for your bipolar disorder. See a Therapist, but don't give up! Most people have the trauma/drama of what you're going through when they find out they are +. It's normal!

We all have some form mental drama and some of us have it worse than others but if it's something we TRULY want then we'll do whatever we can to get it, right?
« Last Edit: August 20, 2008, 03:22:27 PM by ArisGreekSquared »

Offline BT65

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2008, 06:59:21 PM »
Aris, you obviously haven't read Peter's other postings.  He does see a counselor; he is on meds for his bipolar.  This is an ongoing, long-term situation.  We're just trying to give Peter encouragement to continue to pursue whatever he feels he needs to.

Btw, congratulations on all your education.  Was that done here in the U.S.?  I was just thinking "what a big tuition bill."
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ArisGreekSquared

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2008, 07:53:42 PM »
Oh, okay. I didn't know. I just joined this board yesterday. Sorry about that Betty. 

Well, I went to State schools rather than universities.  My work paid for everything after my first bachelor's so I decided to continue to get educated. Yes, all in the U.S. from Boston schools.

-A

Offline weasel

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2008, 08:35:49 PM »
hey peter ,
                   glad your having some good days  :)

 good days  make for more good days   :)

 Do what you think is best , nobody can live your life !

 I took early retirement and SSD , it is awful !

 once you get in the rut of it all , it is hard to get out !

 If you feel well enough to work and have the opportunity to do so , then why not go for it !


                                                         good luck , karl
" Live and let Live "

Offline Peter6836

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2008, 08:59:08 AM »
Hi ,
Aris you are so right about giving up. I have not totally given up. I have a masters degree, I have been recertified. I recieved a 4.0 on the classes I took for reccertification. I am fighting this damn thing. I make application for new jobs daily.
Thank you Betty for your constant support. I feel like the new meds are helping on some days. I am still quite overwhelmed. there arent many teaching jobs out there for me at this time but I am trying.
Weasel, thanks I am having some good days, I do want to work if I at all can. SSDI is an option that I do not want to take but I have to live during this time and in the future. I am hoping I can find that job that I can do and love and not have to go that route, in themean time I have to cover all my basis.
I am really trying here to keep things together.
Perhaps the lawyer is wrong and maybe I can still do my job especially outside of the inner city. I know that I have things to offer. I was able to read for a while last night that is a good sign. I am not one to give up I just need a chance to catch up here.
Peter

Offline ArisGreekSquared

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2008, 09:42:02 AM »
I think the Lawyer was VERY wrong. That was an awful thing to say.  It takes a while for some people to find a job. You'll do it man!!!

Offline Peter6836

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2008, 10:15:57 AM »
Aris
Thanks I appreciate your confidence and will let that nurture me. I think you are right I have somehthing to contribute I just need time to find the right situation. The one I was in was not ideal.
Peter

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2008, 01:49:42 AM »
  I have somehthing to contribute I just need time to find the right situation. The one I was in was not ideal.


Yeah the key is to find a viable source of income that at the same time doesn't threaten your mental health and/or physical health. I tried to do exactly that with failing health (falling like a rock) back in the spring and summer of 2005 . Recounting my enormous struggles and pain of early 2005 to the ALJ* at  my SSDI hearing helped my case. It proved I was looking for work clearly related to my history (which SSDI likes to see, as a matter of logic) while seeking a saner stress level but not outside your history in order to stay in your field** (which SSDI wants to see, as a matter of integrity and "really really trying" to keep yourself self-sufficient). Remember, my Alleged Onset Date*** was October 1, 2005, therefore, all my sob stories**** had to have taken place before October 1, 2005, not after. As for Ms. Lawyer and what she said to you Peter, her job is to look at all angles which could optimize your SSDI claim, especially if you're gonna be sitting in front of an ALJ. But yes certain words do cut to the bone and I do understand sad feelings can be easily stirred up in the SSDI process -- Example: When I was awarded SSDI it was bittersweet because yes I wanted to win it, but at the same time it was like someone castrated me. When the vocational expert***** expressed her opinion to the ALJ during the hearing that I was no longer competitive due to my health, I felt castrated and I wished life had a rewind button. But what she said was indeed the painful truth and it was what I wanted to hear come out of her mouth.

Notes:
* = ALJ means Administrative Law Judge. In other words, the judge who hears what you have to say in person.
** = In your case, your history is the schools system. In my case it was Wall Street.
*** = "Alleged Onset Date" is explained in the SSDI website http://www.ssa.gov/disability
**** = All my stories were truthful events retold at my hearing. I use the phrase "sob stories" as a figure of speech.
***** = A neutral vocational expert sits in the same room during your hearing and speaks with the ALJ at the end of your testimony. You are permitted to hear the discussion between the ALJ and the expert but you are not permitted to interrupt. A person's fate is very often in the hands of the expert, so the courts try to find experts with 20+ years of experience or more.

Offline Peter6836

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2008, 11:03:30 AM »
all,
Yes I can relate to your experiences it is exactly how i feel. I have been looking for work in my field that I could do. Unfortunatly it has been difficult. I had my initial appoiintment with SSDI this morning. I need to find an income that I can live with. My mental health is the biggest problem and working in the schools is and would be difficult for me.
The feeling of castration explains it exactly. I need to have an  income but working at this time would be difficult.
Thanks for your input I can relate exactly to what you were feeling are feeling and where your situation has taken you. It helps to know that I am not alone in my feelings.
Thanks
Peter

Offline BT65

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2008, 02:45:33 PM »
No, Peter, you are not alone.  And when you're making major decisions, I would do it with a qualified therapist, not based on what anyone said here.  Of course, we all talk, offer suggestions, etc. but "decisions," at least I feel, should be make with the right person or people (your treatment team).  Good luck.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #11 on: August 22, 2008, 02:48:51 PM »
No, Peter, you are not alone.  And when you're making major decisions, I would do it with a qualified therapist, not based on what anyone said here.  Of course, we all talk, offer suggestions, etc. but "decisions," at least I feel, should be make with the right person or people (your treatment team).  Good luck.

Especially considering that this is more a mental health decision, not an HIV one.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline YaKaMein

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #12 on: August 22, 2008, 07:39:30 PM »
Hoping you get good news all around with the retirement, SSDI or even another position. Wanting the best that's going to work for you physically, mentally, and financially. Hopefully, it will be quick process and I know it's difficult being in so much uncertainty. Am soooo glad you seem better and have more supportive structure. Thinking of you. -YaKaMein
09/11 Endocrine Consult
08/11 CD4 328 14.9% VL 0
 Disc'd Bactrim DEXA -3.1 Tscore
03/11 CD4 338 14.7% VL 0
11/10 CD4 300 14.3% VL 0 <20copies
07/10 CD4 336 14.0% VL 0 DEXA -2.7 Tscore
03/10 CD4 308 13.4% VL 0 Vit D normal
01/10 Began FOTO
11/09 CD4 274 13.7% VL 0 Chol 173 Trig 131
07/09 CD4 324 13.5% VL 0 DEXA -3.1 Tscore lumbar
03/09 CD4 207 10.9% VL 0
11/08 CD4 227 10.3% VL 0 Chol 176 Trig 156
04/08 CD4 228 9.5% VL 0
01/08 CD4 194 9.0% VL 0
09/07 CD4 176 8.3% VL 0
03/07 CD4 130 9.5% VL 0 Chol 261  Trig 227
12/06 CD4 109 6.4% VL 0
09/06 CD4  88 5.5% VL und desens'd rtd to Bactrim
08/06  Began Atripla
07/06 CD4  59 5.0% VL 145 Chol 117 Trig 104
06/06  Bactrim rash, X2 Dapsone
 EFV & Truvada Chol 128 Trig 131
05/06 CD4  6 (2.0%) VL 78667 only V179D mutation Dx PC MAC

Offline Peter6836

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2008, 09:27:29 PM »
Thanks everyone, This is more of a mental health issue than an HIV issue. Although I am sure the HIV has had an affect on my mental health. I am working with my Dr.s and my therapist. Also I am feeling less like it is the end of everything.I can still do things, I still have my art I can still think and write and Disability does not have to be permenant. I still can keep on with life. I can still move ahead. Life does not have to be over just because I need to make some decisions right now for this time in my life. I have learned one thing being bipolar. I have had to have meds changed and have gone through times where the bi polar has affected my life more than others. I have always reinvented myself and moved on. I think I can do that again.
Peter

Offline BT65

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #14 on: August 23, 2008, 12:35:34 PM »
Of course you can do it again, Peter.  The disability just might be somewhat of a "break" that you need to regroup.  I try not to think of anything as being "forever" anymore (well, obvious aside).  I mean as far as something that stops me from doing what I think I want to do.  Just might be a temporary setback.  Good luck.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Peter6836

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  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #15 on: August 23, 2008, 01:47:18 PM »
Thanks Betty, I am going to try to keep a positive outlook here. I am doing what I feel I need to be doing. Even the lawyers I contacted said that I am covering all my bases. Like I said I am going to keep trying here. I am worried about money here but I have faith that iwill be able to make it through the process.
Peter

Offline joemutt

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #16 on: August 24, 2008, 11:23:54 AM »
Peter, we are many with mental health challenges here,
caused by hiv or not,
maybe I cannot give you advise or wisdom
but I send you support and comfort,
dont be too upset with yourself if this
brings you down often and again.
Many here will share your pain and not give you up.

Offline Peter6836

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  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #17 on: August 24, 2008, 11:45:27 AM »
Thank you Joe, Today I am ready to start selling everything I have. I want to continue to stay positive but it is really difficultI do not know If I can make it while the system takes its time to give me some help. Some days I feel so defeated. Other days I thing I just need some time to reinvent my life. To move on and repurpose my life.
then again I have feelings of killing myself just getting it over with. I have been thinking of the best way to do it. I am overwhelmed. It seems that I have had to re invent so many times I am running out of options.
I look around and I llike where I am living and do not want to have to move again. I thought that maybe this would be the last place I would be. Sometimes I think I could make it the last place I have to live by just stopping the nightmare I feel I am living in.
I so appreciate all of the positive things people are saying but in the long run I am really at my wits end. Maybe it is just today, I just do not know what to do next. I do not want to depend on others for my living but I am at the point where I need to ask for help I just do not know who to ask anymore.
I am going to try to keep things poistive, I am really going to try here but I am really down.
Peter

Offline BT65

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #18 on: August 24, 2008, 05:24:43 PM »
Peter, have you asked family members for help?  Have you applied for any type of assistance i.e. food stamps?  You might also (and I know this is very humbling) want to find out where the local food pantries are at.  I visit them in my town frequently (at least one a month).  Seriously, this may all sound like something you didn't think you'd ever have to do, but when times are tough, we have to be tough. 

Just take today if everything is overwhelming you at the moment.  Just what you have to do today.  Tomorrow will come and you can think about other things then.  There's not much that can be done on a Sunday.  No agencies are open.  Maybe that's one reason why you feel so helpless at the moment-you can't contact anyone where you're trying to get help at and it's giving you more time to think.  The problem is, you're thinking very defeatedly.  Don't worry about tomorrow right now.  You only have a few hours left in this day.  I don't know what you like to do, but do something that might lift your spirits.  Go out for ice cream.  That always helps me.  Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Peter6836

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #19 on: August 25, 2008, 10:09:17 AM »
Betty,
I have sought out the local pantry. I have applied for food. I keep trying to do what I should be doing. i am waiting for my recertification, I have sent out all the paper work waiting for the state. I will reapply for my job even though I feel really put out by the Detroit Public Schools. I keep looking for jobs. I am waiting for unemployment to come through. I am waiting for a response on my disability retirement, and I have applied for SSDI". I applied for ADAP for my drugs. I am waiting for my cobra papers from the schools I am getting burnt out. some times I think my biggest problem is that I wake up every moning . It gets to the point when I wish that I would not wake up.
it helps to get support here. I just hope that I am not being a negative pain in the ass and that people are tired of my problems.
Thanks
Peter

Offline BT65

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #20 on: August 25, 2008, 08:26:42 PM »
Peter, maybe you should take a whole day where you just take a break from all the problems (yeah, for a whole day) and do a few things you enjoy doing.  That should help some.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Peter6836

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #21 on: August 26, 2008, 12:56:57 PM »
Betty I have re applyed for my job being my certification has come through I am recertified until 2013. Although it is just a paper if I do not have a job.
I am going to take your advice and spend the rest of the day just relaxing and trying not to focus on it. Oh i contacted the union again and my union rep. so for today I am done.
Peter

Offline YaKaMein

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #22 on: August 28, 2008, 01:33:59 AM »
Peter,
That's FRIGGING FANTASTIC NEWS!!!!! It's a step, however, minute it seems to you of something positive and substantive. I am sooo proud of you and all that you have done. More will follow. I know you still have concerns and are dealing with an overflowing bowl of &*(t right now. Wish it was more ... but hat's off to you. Big hug and cheers!! - YaKa
09/11 Endocrine Consult
08/11 CD4 328 14.9% VL 0
 Disc'd Bactrim DEXA -3.1 Tscore
03/11 CD4 338 14.7% VL 0
11/10 CD4 300 14.3% VL 0 <20copies
07/10 CD4 336 14.0% VL 0 DEXA -2.7 Tscore
03/10 CD4 308 13.4% VL 0 Vit D normal
01/10 Began FOTO
11/09 CD4 274 13.7% VL 0 Chol 173 Trig 131
07/09 CD4 324 13.5% VL 0 DEXA -3.1 Tscore lumbar
03/09 CD4 207 10.9% VL 0
11/08 CD4 227 10.3% VL 0 Chol 176 Trig 156
04/08 CD4 228 9.5% VL 0
01/08 CD4 194 9.0% VL 0
09/07 CD4 176 8.3% VL 0
03/07 CD4 130 9.5% VL 0 Chol 261  Trig 227
12/06 CD4 109 6.4% VL 0
09/06 CD4  88 5.5% VL und desens'd rtd to Bactrim
08/06  Began Atripla
07/06 CD4  59 5.0% VL 145 Chol 117 Trig 104
06/06  Bactrim rash, X2 Dapsone
 EFV & Truvada Chol 128 Trig 131
05/06 CD4  6 (2.0%) VL 78667 only V179D mutation Dx PC MAC

Offline Peter6836

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #23 on: August 28, 2008, 12:08:00 PM »
Thanks YakaMein
I just wish I felt like I did that much. I am getting really respondent I am tired of dealing with the bipolar thing and living a life that is so up and down. I am frustrated and i do not think that I want to go on much longer. I refuse to go to the hospital again. I am running out of my meds and i do not feel like going to get anymore.
I do not want to dissapoint anyone but I am really tired. I feel quite contnet with my decision right now. My id says that I am a quick progressor my t cells ar ein the low 300's last time Iwas checked. I am just going to clean up around here. I have a month to stay  yet. I do not want to move again. I do not see much way out of leaving here. i just do not have the income to stay . I have thought about this a lot. i have no one really, I do not want to be a burden to my family. So i will just stay here and hope that I can finish all of this in a short period of time.
Peter

Offline YaKaMein

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #24 on: August 28, 2008, 03:39:03 PM »
i have no one really,...

Au contraire, Peter ... You have your grandchild who brings you so much joy.

I acknowledge your struggle. If you can phone for your prescription or even do by email. Maybe they can deliver or get someone anyone to pick it up for. All you're doing takes time. It's painful for you I know. Try to keep the clock ticking.

Another hug, -YaKa
09/11 Endocrine Consult
08/11 CD4 328 14.9% VL 0
 Disc'd Bactrim DEXA -3.1 Tscore
03/11 CD4 338 14.7% VL 0
11/10 CD4 300 14.3% VL 0 <20copies
07/10 CD4 336 14.0% VL 0 DEXA -2.7 Tscore
03/10 CD4 308 13.4% VL 0 Vit D normal
01/10 Began FOTO
11/09 CD4 274 13.7% VL 0 Chol 173 Trig 131
07/09 CD4 324 13.5% VL 0 DEXA -3.1 Tscore lumbar
03/09 CD4 207 10.9% VL 0
11/08 CD4 227 10.3% VL 0 Chol 176 Trig 156
04/08 CD4 228 9.5% VL 0
01/08 CD4 194 9.0% VL 0
09/07 CD4 176 8.3% VL 0
03/07 CD4 130 9.5% VL 0 Chol 261  Trig 227
12/06 CD4 109 6.4% VL 0
09/06 CD4  88 5.5% VL und desens'd rtd to Bactrim
08/06  Began Atripla
07/06 CD4  59 5.0% VL 145 Chol 117 Trig 104
06/06  Bactrim rash, X2 Dapsone
 EFV & Truvada Chol 128 Trig 131
05/06 CD4  6 (2.0%) VL 78667 only V179D mutation Dx PC MAC

Offline Peter Staley

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #25 on: August 29, 2008, 01:48:07 PM »
Thanks YakaMein
I just wish I felt like I did that much. I am getting really respondent I am tired of dealing with the bipolar thing and living a life that is so up and down. I am frustrated and i do not think that I want to go on much longer. I refuse to go to the hospital again. I am running out of my meds and i do not feel like going to get anymore.
I do not want to dissapoint anyone but I am really tired. I feel quite contnet with my decision right now. My id says that I am a quick progressor my t cells ar ein the low 300's last time Iwas checked. I am just going to clean up around here. I have a month to stay  yet. I do not want to move again. I do not see much way out of leaving here. i just do not have the income to stay . I have thought about this a lot. i have no one really, I do not want to be a burden to my family. So i will just stay here and hope that I can finish all of this in a short period of time.
Peter

Peter, you're scaring me now.  You sound very suicidal.  Am I off base on this?  Please check yourself into a hospital if this is the case.  You have friends and family that love you.  Please keep fighting.

Even losing your house isn't worth ending things over -- in the end, it's just a building. 

You are not a "burden" to your family.  That's what family is for -- being there when times are rough.  Turn to them for help.

xoxo

Peter

Offline Jody

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Re: I am trying to work through things
« Reply #26 on: August 29, 2008, 05:56:44 PM »
Dear Peter...When you say your t-cells are in the 300's that is not huge cause for concern...Mine are always in the 200's and I have been well for 13 years now.

Life does have its ups and downs for all of us...As Peter says try to turn to a family member or friend or even a neighbor for some support in this downtime...Speak to people as well as those here on the forums... Don't give up.  You have what to live for.

Jody
"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

 


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