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Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05

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joyluckclub:
Hi everyone!

I am numb!  I came out in 1997.  I knew HIV was a serious illness.  I wanted to educate myself so I went to a few classes at the LGBT center in Dallas and volunteered on the HIV helpline.  In 2002, I became celibate.  I did not test for 4 years.  I was involved in heavy petting with a few guys, nothing that I thought would seriously put me at risk.  Two weeks ago, an outreach organization was doing testing.  I tested positive.  I was in total shock.  I cursed God and asked, "I could handle cancer, sickle cell anemia, anything....but this"  Then I went into denial.  There is no way I could be positive.  My confirmatory test results came back Wednesday.  I met with the nurse practitioner and started the routine vaccinations and a medical checkup.  She stated to me that I was doing almost "too well". 

I know I am writing a lot.....but I am in such shock.  I am so mad at myself and the world.

Ironically, I am the same age that my mother was when she discovered she had a golf ball size tumor in her head.  One day she fainted in the doorway of my grandparent's house ( the house I now own).  My grandfather took her to the hospital.  They discovered the tumor.  The operated the next day.  She died 3 hours later.  Her death destroyed my family.  I thought God would at least give me a break for being the "good little boy" and taking away my mother.

It took a friend to tell me that "Horrible things can happen to good people"

I am just in shock!  I've been in treatment for depression (family issues, personal issues...etc....etc).  I was just turning a corner where I thought there was hope!  Now THIS hits!

I am so fucking mad!

I've never believed AIDS is caused by making bad choices or because someone was just not careful enough.  Anyone can get the flu.  Anyone can catch a cold.  I just thought I had worked hard enough and been careful enough so I would not be at risk!   Wrong!

I do have a good friend that has given me some prospective on these issues.

Help!  I am just so scared about my future!  CD4 Count 687

Cory

frenchpat:
Hi Cory,

I am very sorry that you tested positive.
All what you describe, shock, injustice, fear, denial,  everyone here has gone through this in one fashion or another and  know how hard these times are for you.

The good news is that you are alive, very much like you were before you tested and like you will be for a long time to come. The difference is that you know. As hard as it is to accept your status, being aware of it  also means that you can act upon it.

You've found a good place here, full of people who have so much knowledge to share with you. Everyone here knows something that may be of use to you and we're here to support one another.
Take a deep breath, stick around, ask whatever you feel like asking and we'll respond.

Welcome to this extended family! :-*

Pat

otherplaces:
Cory,

687 CD4 sounds great!!!  I was infected a year ago and haven't had my cd4's that high.  

I know it's hard.  We all do, we have been there and we're here for you.  Hang on tight and we'll help you through this.  You've come to the right place.

You're in no danger.  Your condition is nothing like your mothers.  My advice is to take a DEEP BREATH and relax. Good. Now take another DEEP BREATH.  relax.  

The next few months are going to be hard, but it's nothing you can't handle.  If you need help, come here and we'll push you through to the next day, and you'll see you can make it and it can be a better day. :)

Again, you're going to be okay.  Keep seeing your doctor and stay on top of things and it will begin to even out.

BIG HUG
((((((cory))))))))

Much love,
brian



joyluckclub:
Thanks guys!

I appreciate the support.

Poz Brit:
Hello Cory, I am sorry to hear of your HIV+ diagnosis, and know as all of us here felt when we first heard that fateful result, It will get better, you will handle it and most importantly you will live a full and near normal life, you just have to make it top priority to look after YOU, eat well and sensibly, take exercise, and be happy.
My self, itís a mystery as to how and where this bug got into me, I am straight, have been in a relationship for nearly seven years, and she is negative, I was celibate for two years prior and in a fourteen year relationship before that, and there has been no cheating on my part.
Itís been eight months now since my Diagnosis day, (29th November 2005) I have been a member here since Christmas Eve 05. this site has helped me so much to come to some sort of terms with my new life with HIV, these people are all very Knowledgeable and also in the same boat, so you are not alone, ask for help and you will have it, unconditionally, ask for a shoulder to cry on, and many will be offered with tissues.
Read the lessons, and ask anything, people here really care.
Welcome to these forums.

John(UK) 

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