Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
October 22, 2014, 08:51:12 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 643031
  • Total Topics: 48926
  • Online Today: 196
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month  (Read 6029 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« on: August 05, 2008, 12:38:06 PM »
Hi,

It's been one month since I was diagnosed. I can't believe it's been a single month. I feel like it's been a life time already. The amount of stuff of I've been through in the last month. It's enough stress to last a life time.

I have been doing really good with this until this week when I realized that it's only been a month and I've dealt with soooo much. I just can't imagine dealing with all of this over and over and over again for the rest of my life. It's already making me tired. I thought at first that it was the HIV making me tired .. I suppose it is, it's turning out to be the stress from dealing with this in my life.

I'm getting more and more nervous about sex. In the last month we have had two condoms malfunction (yes, I know how to use them, not sure what is going on). I'm beginning to feel like a walking viral plague. If I have an orgasm the virus is there. If I cut my nails, pieces of HIV get littered around. When I sweat it's there. It's probably even in my urine.

My partner is getting stressed because of dealing with this. I'm stressed about it. I've told a small group of friends what is happening. One of them, my best friend, has gone silent on me. He keeps saying he's busy but I find that hard to believe. All of a sudden I feel different from everyone else. Like I'm an alien from Planet HIV and people don't know what to do with me.

Hell, I don't know what to do with me. I pick my self up each day and move forward. I go to work. Talk to friends. Be with my son. Play with my dog. According to my last labs I'm healthy. So what has changed? Why is it that just knowing that a person is Poz has caused me so much internal trauma?

I want to be angry at my ex for giving this to me. For saying he was tested and knew he was negative and not being tested and not knowing. But I can't be. He really didn't know, regardless of his circumstances. The only person to be mad at is me. I made the choices. I wasted opportunities in my life which are now gone and will never come back. I am the one who has to live with my regrets. That is so very hard to do .... especially right now.


Offline atlq

  • Member
  • Posts: 518
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2008, 02:04:03 PM »
1969,
As I was reading your post, I tried to remember my first month after finding out I was +. A number of the things you wrote about are things I remember well. That feeling of being "contagious" and physically overwhelmed by the virus was really overwhelming for me too.

But you do get over it. You are not a diseased person. You are a person dealing with a disease and there is a universe of difference between the two.

Your friends?Give them time. I know right now that you are overwhelmed ,but they will need time to process this too. Your friends won't leave you. They never do.

And as far as being mad at yourself, well fine. For a little while. If it helps you take responsibility for your past decisions, then good. I have found that to the extent I accept my responsibility for my actions, to that same extent I can take control of my life.

Finally, opportunities in life are created. By you. Trust me my friend, your life is going to be quite long.  But not long enough to permanently live with your regrets. Let them find somewhere else to live.

“Keep up the good work....   And God bless you.”
  --  Sarah Palin, to members of the Alaskan Independence Party, 2008

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,974
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2008, 04:20:53 PM »
Wow1969,

First of all, your toenails and urine are not sources of HIV infection.  I'm not sure why the condoms are "malfunctioning."  Usually condoms used correctly are pretty much fool-proof.  Maybe if you relax?

I know it's a lot to deal with; but you can do it.  I've been doing it 19 years.  I know that doesn't solve everything for you, but just know there are others who do it.  We can relate.  If you really need some people to talk to, I suggest you contacting your ASO (Aids Service Organization) and asking about a support group.  Maybe it's time also to get in touch with a therapist.  I've been seeing the same one since 1991 and he's been invaluable. 

It's only been a month; give yourself time and give yourself a break.  People will come around.  Just try to mellow out a bit and start doing some good things.  Good luck.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Philly1972

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2008, 04:39:31 PM »
Hi Wow....I found out on July 2nd so it's been one month for me too - I didn't even realize it.  When I had my first appointment with my HIV doc, a counselor came in to speak with me - she gave me a whole bag full of female condoms to take with me.  She said they work even better with anal and best of all, they are unbreakable.  She also explained that the material will become the same temperature as your skin and feel much more natural - and they are not at all tight or constrictive.  I have to say, she knew what she was talking about.  Just be sure to remove the inside ring first - put over the erect penis like you would a regular condom and insert....then go to town ;-)

Hope this advice helps you asmuch as it helped me.  I can enjoy the moment and "perform" without the anxiety of fearing the condom could break.

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2008, 07:31:17 PM »
Thanks to those who have responded so far ... Yes, I'm overwhelmed. My partner is justing a rock through this (the truth is I never thought he was as strong as he is, gotta love him for that) ...

Codoms malfunctioning ... Betty you said relax ... That could be it actually. I hadn't considered it. My partner actually may be more nervous than he is letting on and clenching too tightly.

Thanks Betty .. Already heading to the support groups. First meeting is Thursday night.

Philly ... You are a life saver. I HATE to wear condoms and was looking forward to being a relationship where I didn't have to. Now that I have to forever basically, this may be the best solution in teh world. I will try it in the next couple of days YAY!!!!

Thanks ATLQ .. I will remember that about the opportunites ... You are right, I'm just overwhelmed.

This is has just been more that I ever wanted to deal with and it won't stop. I'm not worried about dying from HIV .. I'm worried about living with it.

Thanks again for the assist so far :-)

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,399
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2008, 12:23:54 AM »
Hey Wow,

Welcome to the forums, but sorry for the reason you have joined in. It is always bittersweet to welcome someone here.

It is only the first month. Give yourself some time. You may also want to peruse the lessons here. They can be a great source of information.

Above all, don't be so hard on yourself. This is very new to you. You'll adjust as time goes by.

Glad you have joined us and I look forward to hearing more from you.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Philly1972

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2008, 10:44:14 AM »
Wow,
Be sure to let me know how the female condoms work out for you.  There are 2 articles that have really helped put my mind at ease - links to both are below.  The one is about starting therapy at 35 with CD4 above 200, one can expect to live into their 70s.  I'm 36 - I assume you are 38ish by your first post.  My first numbers were excellent - CD4 700, VL 2420 - I assume yours were good too.  It's probably gonna be a long time before we need to start therapy so you will certainly get to see your kid grow up and something else will get us before this ever does - we have a better chance of dying from global warming that we do from AIDS. 

Five years ago I was job hunting and I didn't get what I thought was the perfect job and was so distraught over it - then a better job came along where I am still at 5 years later and very happy (and that other company fell apart).  Last year when I was condo shopping, what I thought was the absolute most perfect condo fell through and I was so upset - but guess what, another unit opened up on a higher floor with a better view and I got it at a lower price.  What I've learned is that everything happens for a reason and you just need to be patient to learn what that reason is.  Since I learned I was positive and got my first excellent lab results, I have become determined to keep myself healthy and prolong the need for meds for as long as possible.  I quit smoking, eat better, exercise more.  I'm convinced that what seems like a really bad thing, is forcing me to make lifestyle changes that will prevent something even worse and more terminal down the line.  Thinking this way has really helped me to accept this and has challenged and motivated me to be health conscious ALL the time (and not just when I'm trying to get in shape for the beach).

The second article is about a guy in Germany who was positive since 1995 and has basically been cured through stem cell injections (there are many posts about it in the Research News forum).  I think this is going to be the medical wave of the future (especially once we get a Democratic administration in place).  Look how far medicine has come in the last 15 years.  I absolutely believe with all my heart that a cure will be found in the next 15 - or a vaccine that will protect your partner.  There are skeptics on here that will tell you otherwise, but I have hope and will never stop believing no matter what anyone says.  You should read the book "The Secret".

Anyway, hope this helps, even if just a little.  We seem to have allot in common, so if you ever want to chat, I would like that.


http://www.aidsmap.com/en/news/3CEC691F-4668-4F12-BC64-E65E0EA6142F.asp
http://www.projectinform.com/


Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2008, 12:36:34 PM »
Thanks to both of you .. Philly I'll keep you informed about the condoms. We are planning to try it out this weekend.

Also, the part about the things happening now to help us in the future is something I believe and is part of my overall spiritual belief structure. I've just been very rattled in the last week or so however, the fog is beginning to clear. Thank you for the reminder.

As for the medical progress happening .. I also have my hopes regarding that. I'm sure you have hear d that the University of Texas - Houston has released a study regarding the structure of HIV. They have determined that, while the virus mutates randomly, there is one part of the virus that does not mutate. It remains the same from strain to strain providing an opportunity to create a treatment that would attack all HIV strains. As you said, there is always research and development. My only concern is that the pharmaceutical companies won't squash that type of research for their own profit.

Basically, I just had a meltdown a few days ago. It's been coming. My life is extremely busy and my mind finally said "time to stop and deal" ... guess I hadn't addressed all of this even though I thoghtt I did ... The worst part is that I figure this will happen a few more times in my life ... So much fun to look forward to LOL ...

Thanks again to all the posts .. Each comment has helped  :D

Offline Philly1972

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2008, 10:20:03 AM »
I think that whole thing about the pharma companies being able to squash a cure is a conspiracy theory.  Most of the research is done by or sponsored by a pharma company and the one that finds the cure will be on the front page of every paper and skyrocket in value overnight....whoever that may be is not going to let the others steal its thunder or it profits.  Think positive!  (er, let's say "be optimistic"....that word has taken on a whole new meaning!)

Here's a little tip for using the female condom (maybe after you've used it once and are comfortable with it).  The condom can be inserted in advance (and allows it to warm to the body temp)....incorporate inserting it during your foreplay using your fingers or a "toy" (be sure to use lots of lube too).  Then when you are ready to start the good stuff, you don't have to stop and interrupt the "moment".  Just be sure you get in the condom, but with that huge ring at the end, it would be pretty hard to miss.

Enjoy....let me know how it goes.  And I want details ;-)

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2008, 03:40:14 PM »
Details :-) You are sick LOL .... We finally figured out what was going on with the "malfunctions" turns out it was a combination of not enough lube and too much excitement.

I agree about "positive" taking on a whole new meaning ... Lord isn't that the truth. I know it's sick but i crack jokes about HIV all the time ... Not sure what else to do but try to make it as light and fun as possible ... Just trying to have a "positive" attitude.  ;D

I'll send you an email about the results from this weekend. I don't want to offend anyone out there.  ::)

Offline Philly1972

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2008, 04:46:24 PM »
I'm not having much sex myself these days so living vicariously through someone else is all I got right now....going to PTown for Carnival in 2 weeks so hopefully that will change, although I really miss love making as opposed to sex....someday hopefully.

If these details could possibly be offensive to anyone then that means they should be good....can't wait  ::)

What were your lab results BTW (if you don't mind sharing)....I'm just curious since we were both infected in January and found out in July and are relatively the same age.

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2008, 06:33:20 PM »
Well I hope the love making situation changes soon for you.

I think you are right about it being a big enough deal that pharma companies won’t be able to keep it under wraps when there is a cure, but I do think that they might try to suppress that info for as long as possible. Face it, we are a cash market now. Hey, I’m helping the economy … wow, I’m contributing LOL

And yep, if you wanna chat we can. Do you have yahoo messenger?

As for my hardcore numbers .. Still waiting on the labs but my virologist is also an HIV researcher and currently has 80 HIV poz patients. He says that based on my physical results and the time I was infected that I can expect good results so I'm not worried. I would like my numbers though. I'll post them when I get them.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,974
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #12 on: August 08, 2008, 07:52:52 AM »
I'll send you an email about the results from this weekend. I don't want to offend anyone out there.  ::)

You won't offend anyone (at least not me).  Post away. ;)
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #13 on: August 08, 2008, 11:09:44 AM »
Just got my lab results in -

August 2008
CD4 - 310
VL 5950
Zero Drug Resistance

My CD4 seems kinda low, any opinions?

Offline Philly1972

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #14 on: August 08, 2008, 01:50:26 PM »
Do you know the %?  I understand that the % is more important.  Had you worked out or done any strenuous activity before going for the tests?  I'm just as new as you to all this, but I think you need to get tested again as it can fluctuate allot.  What did you doctor say about it?  Do you know when you will be tested again?

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #15 on: August 08, 2008, 02:19:46 PM »
No, don't know when I'll get tested again. My Dr. won't be back until Monday so I just got the results from his nurse. She said everything looks really good. I was on Accutane up until about a month before all this began. Accutane, it turns out, is a chemotherapy drug that affects CD4 levels so I wouldn't be surprised if that was affecting some of this. The drug stays in your system for up to 6 months after you stop treatment. Plus, I've been stressed. There are extunating factors. I'm not taking this as the final number as i know it can fluctuate, fom hour to hour.

However, my overall physical results are good. I'm well above the 200 point line and my VL is relatively low. All of these are good things.

Still, the numbers do cause me some nervousness. I would have liked the first numbers to have been better.

Offline Philly1972

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #16 on: August 08, 2008, 02:26:18 PM »
It sounds like you have your answer - must be the Accutane if it lowers your CD4 and stays in your system that long.  My doc told me not to be so concerned with the numbers, but I can't help it - I'm an analyst - that's what I do all day is analyze numbers.  I started taking selenium 2x day - supposed to increase your CD4 count.

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #17 on: August 08, 2008, 02:37:05 PM »
CD4% is at 19 ... called Dr. the nurse said that is good but I am getting conflicting info about what it means.

Offline atlq

  • Member
  • Posts: 518
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #18 on: August 08, 2008, 02:59:41 PM »
Wow,

Your cd4% is just that: the percent of your lymphocytes that are cd4 cells. In neg people the percentage will usually be around 40 and ideally you would want to be no lower than in the mid twenties, but 19 is in no way bad. When I was first diagnosed my cd4 was 111 and my lowest cd4% was 11 (and there are lots of people who have dealt with numbers lower than those). My highest ever cd4% in over a decade of testing was 24%. It has averaged at about 18-19% over time.

Generally it is now agreed that poz folks should initiate treatment when their cd4 count falls below 350. But since you have a question about your Accutane use and its potential effect on your cd4's, you probably should talk to your doctor.

“Keep up the good work....   And God bless you.”
  --  Sarah Palin, to members of the Alaskan Independence Party, 2008

Offline atlq

  • Member
  • Posts: 518
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #19 on: August 08, 2008, 03:18:32 PM »
 
Just re read my above post and wanted to make something clear-when I said that people have "dealt" with much lower cd4%and numbers than my lowest, I meant that they initiated treatment and responded well. I didn't want to leave the impression that a cd4% of 11 (or lower) is not something to worry about. It is, because it is a sign of significant immune system damage....
“Keep up the good work....   And God bless you.”
  --  Sarah Palin, to members of the Alaskan Independence Party, 2008

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #20 on: August 08, 2008, 03:34:31 PM »
Thank you ... I think that being below 21% is a big deal .. I'd probably need sedatives if it 11% but it's good to know that it's not an immediate death sentence.


Offline atlq

  • Member
  • Posts: 518
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #21 on: August 08, 2008, 03:47:01 PM »
Wow,

You've got a whole lot of routine testing ahead of you now and there is one thing I can guarantee: at least once you will get back a test result that'll freak you out. Then, the next result will come in and you'll see that the last one was an aberration....and BTW, I do need a sedative every now and then....just not over any one set of numbers!.... ;D
“Keep up the good work....   And God bless you.”
  --  Sarah Palin, to members of the Alaskan Independence Party, 2008

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #22 on: August 09, 2008, 12:11:34 PM »
ATLQ thanks strangely that helped more than anything else. I've been reviewing peoples trends on here and they do seem to go up and down and up and down so who knows at this point. My Dr. told me that unless I came in at the AIDS level, he would postpone meds until we had a few more tests to establish the trend.

As for the sedative .... I'll be requesting those next week. <G>

Are you in Atl?

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #23 on: August 11, 2008, 12:44:19 PM »
Philly,

Ok, tried the female condom and here is my assessment .. Eh

They are difficult to find.

They are expensive ($3 a pop)

Not sure it felt any different than the other kind. We will try it again as we purchased 5 of them. Hope round two gives me the same kinda results you had.

Here are your details <G>

Offline nolapozguy68

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #24 on: August 11, 2008, 01:26:35 PM »
hey guy, listen the first thing you really need to do is really educate your self about your virus. this is what i did when i tested poz 5 years ago and i went thru the same things you described in your very first post . then i said to my self well I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING I CAN FIND OUT ABOUT THIS VIRIUS AND ME. i web  hunting for months and months... now I'm a AIDS/HIV housing case manager in new Orleans helping others now because i know what to look for, what to think, and how to plan, now its my turn to educate others on what i learned...

best of luck to you
Thomas Bruneau
ccano case manager
new Orleans
AIDS/HIV housing case manager for non profit in new Orleans 40 years old poz for4 years healthy guy who cant find a normal gay man to love me.......

Offline Philly1972

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #25 on: August 11, 2008, 05:12:40 PM »
That's it?  <Yawn>  Pretty boring details!

Oh well - to each his own.  I wasn't aware of the availability or the cost because the counselor at the hospital literally gave me a shopping bag full as a parting gift welcoming me to my new status :-)  I'm a bottom so I was only going by what the one top who used it told me - he liked it because he could insert it ahead of time and he didn't lose his erection stopping to put it on...and he said it didn't squeeze the life out of his dick (although he was VERY well endowed so I could see how that could be a problem for him).  I liked being able to take a break from doing that (trust me when I tell you I needed a little break) and change it up a bit and then go back to that without stopping to put a new one on. 

I think I gave more details than you and I'm not even having sex ;-)

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month
« Reply #26 on: August 11, 2008, 05:19:52 PM »
LOL yes, you gave alot of details. No problem here with that.

I'm a top also and also "endowed" the appeal of the female condom was that lack of, how did you phrase it, oh yeah "squeezing the life out of my cock" I think <G> We are going to have to try it again to see how it worked. .... My partner liked it as well as a regular condom so no isssue there. My problem came when I pulled out and then wanted back in the condom came out with me ... Then we had to warn it up and slide back in again ...

Now the nice thing about the condom is that it can be reused in over and over again during one sexual encounter .. We did reuse it three times which I did like.

I think next time we leave the other ring in and see if it can "anchor" the condom in his ass so that I can just do as I please ....

Now, are those details better  ;)

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.