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Still New and Living With This - It's been 1 month

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wow1969:
Hi,

It's been one month since I was diagnosed. I can't believe it's been a single month. I feel like it's been a life time already. The amount of stuff of I've been through in the last month. It's enough stress to last a life time.

I have been doing really good with this until this week when I realized that it's only been a month and I've dealt with soooo much. I just can't imagine dealing with all of this over and over and over again for the rest of my life. It's already making me tired. I thought at first that it was the HIV making me tired .. I suppose it is, it's turning out to be the stress from dealing with this in my life.

I'm getting more and more nervous about sex. In the last month we have had two condoms malfunction (yes, I know how to use them, not sure what is going on). I'm beginning to feel like a walking viral plague. If I have an orgasm the virus is there. If I cut my nails, pieces of HIV get littered around. When I sweat it's there. It's probably even in my urine.

My partner is getting stressed because of dealing with this. I'm stressed about it. I've told a small group of friends what is happening. One of them, my best friend, has gone silent on me. He keeps saying he's busy but I find that hard to believe. All of a sudden I feel different from everyone else. Like I'm an alien from Planet HIV and people don't know what to do with me.

Hell, I don't know what to do with me. I pick my self up each day and move forward. I go to work. Talk to friends. Be with my son. Play with my dog. According to my last labs I'm healthy. So what has changed? Why is it that just knowing that a person is Poz has caused me so much internal trauma?

I want to be angry at my ex for giving this to me. For saying he was tested and knew he was negative and not being tested and not knowing. But I can't be. He really didn't know, regardless of his circumstances. The only person to be mad at is me. I made the choices. I wasted opportunities in my life which are now gone and will never come back. I am the one who has to live with my regrets. That is so very hard to do .... especially right now.

atlq:
1969,
As I was reading your post, I tried to remember my first month after finding out I was +. A number of the things you wrote about are things I remember well. That feeling of being "contagious" and physically overwhelmed by the virus was really overwhelming for me too.

But you do get over it. You are not a diseased person. You are a person dealing with a disease and there is a universe of difference between the two.

Your friends?Give them time. I know right now that you are overwhelmed ,but they will need time to process this too. Your friends won't leave you. They never do.

And as far as being mad at yourself, well fine. For a little while. If it helps you take responsibility for your past decisions, then good. I have found that to the extent I accept my responsibility for my actions, to that same extent I can take control of my life.

Finally, opportunities in life are created. By you. Trust me my friend, your life is going to be quite long.  But not long enough to permanently live with your regrets. Let them find somewhere else to live.

BT65:
Wow1969,

First of all, your toenails and urine are not sources of HIV infection.  I'm not sure why the condoms are "malfunctioning."  Usually condoms used correctly are pretty much fool-proof.  Maybe if you relax?

I know it's a lot to deal with; but you can do it.  I've been doing it 19 years.  I know that doesn't solve everything for you, but just know there are others who do it.  We can relate.  If you really need some people to talk to, I suggest you contacting your ASO (Aids Service Organization) and asking about a support group.  Maybe it's time also to get in touch with a therapist.  I've been seeing the same one since 1991 and he's been invaluable. 

It's only been a month; give yourself time and give yourself a break.  People will come around.  Just try to mellow out a bit and start doing some good things.  Good luck.
  Luv,
Betty

Philly1972:
Hi Wow....I found out on July 2nd so it's been one month for me too - I didn't even realize it.  When I had my first appointment with my HIV doc, a counselor came in to speak with me - she gave me a whole bag full of female condoms to take with me.  She said they work even better with anal and best of all, they are unbreakable.  She also explained that the material will become the same temperature as your skin and feel much more natural - and they are not at all tight or constrictive.  I have to say, she knew what she was talking about.  Just be sure to remove the inside ring first - put over the erect penis like you would a regular condom and insert....then go to town ;-)

Hope this advice helps you asmuch as it helped me.  I can enjoy the moment and "perform" without the anxiety of fearing the condom could break.

wow1969:
Thanks to those who have responded so far ... Yes, I'm overwhelmed. My partner is justing a rock through this (the truth is I never thought he was as strong as he is, gotta love him for that) ...

Codoms malfunctioning ... Betty you said relax ... That could be it actually. I hadn't considered it. My partner actually may be more nervous than he is letting on and clenching too tightly.

Thanks Betty .. Already heading to the support groups. First meeting is Thursday night.

Philly ... You are a life saver. I HATE to wear condoms and was looking forward to being a relationship where I didn't have to. Now that I have to forever basically, this may be the best solution in teh world. I will try it in the next couple of days YAY!!!!

Thanks ATLQ .. I will remember that about the opportunites ... You are right, I'm just overwhelmed.

This is has just been more that I ever wanted to deal with and it won't stop. I'm not worried about dying from HIV .. I'm worried about living with it.

Thanks again for the assist so far :-)

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