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Author Topic: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??  (Read 18658 times)

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Offline MrConcerned

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  • Posts: 4
Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« on: July 23, 2008, 07:41:43 PM »
Hello Again

Ive noticed with my other post that over 800 people viewed my question or post but only one had actually had a comment. There has got to be more out there like myself who are very new to being with a boyfriend of whom is positive and I am negative. Just really wanting to get any help or advise on this subject. Are there any couples out there of whom have lasted the long term living in this relationship? Just really curious to get any advise or feelings from another "negative" point of view. Thanks so much.

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2008, 08:46:33 PM »
Hello Again

Ive noticed with my other post that over 800 people viewed my question or post but only one had actually had a comment. There has got to be more out there like myself who are very new to being with a boyfriend of whom is positive and I am negative. Just really wanting to get any help or advise on this subject. Are there any couples out there of whom have lasted the long term living in this relationship? Just really curious to get any advise or feelings from another "negative" point of view. Thanks so much.

I'm POZ and my otherhalf of 15 yrs. in NEG........about the only advice I can give you is THIS, do whatever you can to keep that way ( you being NEG)
Bob & I both know what we CANNOT do ( sex wise) due to me being POZ, if you like each other, and there is respect between the 2 of you, it will last as long as both of you feel it should, also be honest with each other, that helps too  ;D I'm sure your POZ BF will do whatever he can to keep you safe.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2008, 08:50:21 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline mousey

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  • Posts: 22
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2008, 10:33:44 AM »
hi there,

Me in a relationship with my guy for 6 years. He being poz and me neg.
It is definitedly not going to be an easy task for you to being in a poz/neg relationship. Its is test of a real love.

I remember going through the hysterical months of believing the fact that my guy has been officially being tested positive. It seems that our world crashed and our future dreams vanished. My eyes were dripping withtears any other day. Even at work, I went to the toliet cubicle to cry my heart out. I wonder why am the 'lucky' ones who is going to go through this??
Though he has hurt me a great deal, I am still with him. I believe that I am truly in love with my guy. I just can't bear to let him go ...

It didn't expect the medication got him such strong impacts that the 3 weeks spent seeing him got very sick makes me even crazier than ever in my life.
The medications got him into very serious side effects of high fever. And RASH - all over his body. Ulcers all over his mouth, lips swollen and bleeding. He can't even eat and drink everyday. It makes me very sad that he grew thinner and thinner day by day without food. Just little sips of milk or water.

No one in his family knows about his condition and we have to lie our way through to his family members that he suffered from 'Food Poisoning'. Who would dare to tell his concerned and worried mum? I felt so helpless and I became very mood-less.
Luckily, he went to recovery stage after 1-2 weeks. We prayed to god that he have recovered from his side effects from his medz and now he has switched. Not much of side effects though of the constant nausea and giddy spells. Nothing could be as worse as the rash.

Just like to say ... your partner needs your Love, Understanding and Support to go through the many years ahead. I really envy you guyz getting all the benefits of your country of the ample care and concerns from the various organizations supporting HIV. Whereas here in Singapore, where I am born and breed here lacks a whole of. :-\

Hope you and partner can go through this together and wish you loving years ahead  ;)
:: Believe in a cure ::

Offline frankie the cat

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  • Posts: 4
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2008, 05:20:42 PM »
Hi Mr Concerned

I'm a lurker on this forum but I thought I should come out of hiding to let you know that you are definitely not alone. 

My wife was diagnosed with HIV on November 19 2005.  We went to the doctor hoping to start IVF and came up with what I saw as a death sentence.  I cried for the first time in decades.  However, since then I've learned so much about HIV and know that she's not going to die tomorrow, this year or even in 10 years of HIV/AIDS.  She, like you, me and everyone else in the world, might die tomorrow but it won't be of HIV/AIDS. 

So, first off, don't panic.  Don't run away, don't fuss too much (you can fuss a bit but not too much).  Educate yourself about what it means for your partner and for yourself.  Don't neglect yourself but always be there for them.  If our experience is anything to go by, there will be ups and downs, especially in the first few weeks and all you have to do is to be there.  You can't cure them, you can't make everything alright but you can be there for them.  Learn about viral loads, CD 4 counts and CD 4 percentages, they will be bombarded with this information by their doctor soon.  You need to know about these things if you're going to help them.  There are so many good books and websites but this is a good place start.  There is so much hard won experience in these forums. 

Fortunately for us, the meds are working, the arrows are all pointing in the right direction so we are the lucky ones.  Hopefully you two will be as lucky as us.  Strangely this has some positives.  We've learned more about each other, shared things we could never imagined and are a stronger couple because of it.

You probably know this but one thing has changed, you should always wear a condom when having sex with your partner.  No ifs or buts and no exceptions.  Protect yourself so you can stay strong for them.  It's the one small thing you must always do...

You're not alone.

Cheers...


Offline gemstone

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  • Posts: 11
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2008, 04:23:09 PM »
Hi, I am too in a relationship of 3 years with me being poz and my bf is neg.  We found out in August 2006 after I developed a bad case of shingles that went into my eyes... at the time we were only together for about 9 months.  I have basically no CD4 count and a high viral load still 2 years later... I know its hard to be in a relationship like this where I am always sick and he is always concerned about me... its tough on us both, but one thing I know is that he loves me and he is very supportive and he is healthy which I will always make a priority to keep it that way...

All I can add to this is that if you really love someone you take care of each other, give and take and don't let the stigma of this terrible disease become too much of a discrepency in your lives.... you know what they say.... for better or for worse, in sickness and health...

I love my partner and 2 years ago I gave him the choice to leave because I felt so many emotions at the time and didn't want him to feel like he was trapped in all of this...  and he is still here 2 years later with more love for each other then I could ever imagine possible...

Hugs
gem
"A wise girl knows her limits, A smart girl knows she has none"

Offline notpos59

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  • Posts: 6
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2008, 09:33:23 PM »
Hi,

I am neg and my partner pos. We have been together a short while, 6 weeks, and I learned about his status a week after we first had sex. Like you , I have been trying to figure out how I feel about it, him, and what I am dealing with if I allow this relationship to continue. There has been a lot said about transmission from someone non-detectable, as well as risk levels, and what to, or not to, do. Please see my comments and those of Matt undeer "non-detectable, not transmittable. I will be glad to share what I have learned. Fee free to mail me to and we can chat openly if you like.

Offline jojodiablo

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  • Posts: 7
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2008, 08:29:13 PM »
Hey there,

There are alot of us out there, neg/poz relationships. I have been with my partner for 8 months now, and my best advice to you is to be open and honest about any concerns you may have with your partner. Also, know that at first you will worry like hell when you are having sex, (or at least i did) and now i do not even think about his status.  If you ever need anyone to talk to, i am sure anyone of us who have responed would be more than happy to talk.

Offline butterfly

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  • Posts: 18
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2008, 09:34:17 AM »
Hi Mr. Concerned,

My husband & I have been together for 5 years and we did not learn about his being hiv positive until about a year and a half ago.  Somehow I managed to stay negative prior to our finding out, but it wasn't by doing anything smart or logical...I think it was just luck.  I would never consider leaving him due to his being positive.  I love him with all my heart and he is my best friend.  Sometimes it is challenging when I do not understand his feelings but I come here, I do a lot of reading on the forums and I try to talk with him about anything that I don't understand. 

Best of luck to you both,
Butterfly

Offline weasel

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2008, 07:43:21 PM »
 :) hullo ,
              I am Karl , i am POS ,my partener  HE is NOT  POS .

 We were together  almost twenty years whenI found out I had gotten AIDS , GOD knows how ?

 NOT from sex .  :'(

Thing are OK , HE  misses  SEX , I avoid it !

we have been together  28 years , and most of our problems stem from him not wanting to  deal

with the fact I have AIDS , I am doing very well , I stil look very  good . He just does not relize the

the side effects are a pain and I feal like crap  sometimes !

He loves me more now than when we met . If your love is real  HIV is NOT going to kill it !

WE have a normal relationship , BUT being together  24/7  gets on MY  nerves !


any way  , I wish you the best , HIV does NOT rule the home .


                                                                                                Karl   ;)
He does not seem to need  people  breaks ???????????????   :o
" Live and let Live "

Offline 2bafriend

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  • Posts: 3
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2008, 09:39:32 PM »
Hello Again

Ive noticed with my other post that over 800 people viewed my question or post but only one had actually had a comment. There has got to be more out there like myself who are very new to being with a boyfriend of whom is positive and I am negative. Just really wanting to get any help or advise on this subject. Are there any couples out there of whom have lasted the long term living in this relationship? Just really curious to get any advise or feelings from another "negative" point of view. Thanks so much.

Yes, I am one and I have two friends in southern Illinois that are and have been together for 26 years. My partner and I do great by being safe and just living life. I to have posted on this subject and gotten some not so nice replies. Just remember, "NEVER APPOLLOGIZE FOR WHO YOU LOVE"! "IF IT IS LOVE, GOD WON'T MIND"! Always be honest with each other and stay safe. jak4sure@hotmail.com

[attachment deleted by admin]

Offline denb45

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  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2008, 10:32:45 PM »
Yes, I am one and I have two friends in southern Illinois that are and have been together for 26 years. My partner and I do great by being safe and just living life. I to have posted on this subject and gotten some not so nice replies. Just remember, "NEVER APPOLLOGIZE FOR WHO YOU LOVE"! "IF IT IS LOVE, GOD WON'T MIND"! Always be honest with each other and stay safe. jak4sure@hotmail.com

Yeah I hear YA!, that's why Bob my NEG otherhalf aren't more involved with our local ASO, it's really there loss, and not ours, they say love is blind  ;D some also say that POZ & NEG shouldn't be together, what a bunch of propaganda BULL SHIT!  ???
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline sharkdiver

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  • Posts: 1,350
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2008, 10:09:14 AM »
Yes, I am one and I have two friends in southern Illinois that are and have been together for 26 years. My partner and I do great by being safe and just living life. I to have posted on this subject and gotten some not so nice replies.

I think the "not so nice replies" were from the way you posted (which could be interpreted  in a lecturing style). You may have gotten different and more welcoming feedback from your very first post  if you would have just shared your experience. Believe me I understand the pain of watching someone you love "self-destruct and you appeared to be writing in a very emotional state.
I hope you and your partner work out your problems.

Sharkie

Offline MrConcerned

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  • Posts: 4
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2008, 06:47:11 PM »
First off thank you so very much everyone for all your comments, care and concerns. I truelly appricaite them. Reading this though I might have given the impression that me and my BF have already been together where one has tested positive and the other remained negative. Actually the scary part for me was that even before we had actually meet for our first date he was very up front and open with me about his status. He is a very down to earth kind of guy, very open,honest,caring and giving. This is why I had debated for awhile afterwards If indeed it would just be too much for me. Bottom line is that it is ultimately my choice but do I let that stand in the way of being with someone who is postive? I know I shouldbt hold that against him cause I know he is just as scared as I am if not more so.

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2008, 11:23:17 AM »
First off thank you so very much everyone for all your comments, care and concerns. I truelly appricaite them. Reading this though I might have given the impression that me and my BF have already been together where one has tested positive and the other remained negative. Actually the scary part for me was that even before we had actually meet for our first date he was very up front and open with me about his status. He is a very down to earth kind of guy, very open,honest,caring and giving. This is why I had debated for awhile afterwards If indeed it would just be too much for me. Bottom line is that it is ultimately my choice but do I let that stand in the way of being with someone who is postive? I know I shouldbt hold that against him cause I know he is just as scared as I am if not more so.

Nothing to be scared about, HIV/AIDS is just a Virus that is manageable now-a-days ,and is no longer a DEATH SENTENCE, just be safe and you'll be fine  ;D
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline tropical

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  • Posts: 10
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2008, 08:51:00 PM »
it is soooo good to read it.
i am neg and my boyfriend is poz, we´ve been together for almost 2 years but we have stayed together sharing the same bed for 5 months because he lives in other side of the world.
we are making planes to be together for 2 or 3 years in my country.
I had never met a poz before him - I was quite scared about that -  I had almost no information about this stuff.

pleased to meet you all

Offline LovingPartner

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #15 on: September 01, 2008, 03:31:03 PM »
I'm in a relationship with an HIV+ person myself.  We have an 11yr old daughter together, she was conceived before we knew he was HIV+.  I am negative & so is our daughter.  We have been apart for most of our daughter's life, but just recently decided to get back together.  I love him, always have.  It wasn't his status that kept us apart, there were other issues....  Right now we are happy, enjoying being a family again.  It will be nice to talk to other people in similar situations!  Everyone here is so nice and very knowledgeable.  Looking forward to posting with all of you!

Offline TrilbyCowboy

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #16 on: September 10, 2008, 03:30:28 PM »
I have been with my partner for 26 years. I tested positive almost 5 years ago, and he was/is negative. I feel I went through more emotional turmoil, than he did, when I found out. Most of that was worrying about putting the person I loved the most, at possible risk. We went through a very emotional roller coaster, for a little over a year. During that time, we both became educated, and I concentrated on getting my health in order. I gave him every opportunity to leave, knowing this could be a lot to deal with. This definitely tested our relationship to the extreme.Thankfully, he stayed by my side. I feel very comfortable in saying, that our relationship is as strong as ever. Happy to say, that things are about as "normal" as they can be. At the advice of my doctor, we were abstinent while I was getting my viral load under control. It took 4 months, to achieve an undetectable viral load. I faithfully keep all my lab and doctor appointments, and I adhere religiously to my treatment. Today we have a pretty healthy sex life, within the boundaries of safer sex. Poz/neg relationships can work, but I am sure most would say they present an added challenge. Education and adherence play a major role for all invovled. Best wishes.
Paul

Offline openedeyes24

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  • Posts: 1
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2008, 01:10:42 AM »
Ok...

I need some words of encouragement.
My boyfriend of 3 months just found out he was HIV+ I immediately took the RAPID test for free through the local NCAP organization. Although I came up HIV- I still have to go back in 3 months to get tested again because the test will only show results of 3 months prior and beyond... just my luck.
I have been by my boyfriend's side since he found out the results...
I don't know how to think or feel right now.
6 years ago my aunt died of AIDS which she lived with for 10 years after being diagnosed and ever since the news came out to my family that she had this disease I was petrified. I knew I couldn't get it from her...but my BIGGEST fear was contracting anything of the sort. Now I am in a position where I had unprotected sex (though no fluids were transfered the times we were unprotected) but that still doesn't get me in the clear. I am so scared for him and for myself. I know I can't leave him... most of all because I fell in love with him the moment we met and we've been inseperable ever since...
How do I do this?? How can we last? I'm so scared to be intimate with him protected or not but I can't tell him this. The news is too new... Please somebody help me! I feel so scared and alone right now and the last people I can talk to are my family because of what happened to my aunt and because they've always feared I would run into this since I "came out" Please, please help!!
Thank you  :'(

Offline makesmewonder

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  • Posts: 39
  • Thats how i Love to Feel!! Ps: Thats my feet!!
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #18 on: September 16, 2008, 05:18:52 AM »
Hi there!
I am poz and my partner is neg!
we got married and  a week later i went to get tested and it came out poz! so it was a god damm shock to us but we are managing well!
Its hard sometimes, in the beggining he told me that our life would never be the same, and that everything has changed! it was hard in the beggining! but we are making it!
Well its a hard situation but somehow we will make it!
XX
Cheers
T

Offline LittleOne

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  • Posts: 6
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #19 on: October 03, 2008, 10:48:23 AM »
Hi...

New to the board but "we" are a serodiscordant couple.

I did not know when we were first intimate (my story on my first
post), but DID marry him knowing if that makes sense.

Due to "heroin" and so many other issues we are not currently
together but I do love him; we have been talking on the phone
again he was living homeless for almost 2 years and suffered, but
we have to make choices no matter what our affliction.

True love is unconditional; loving someone with HIV is no different
than loving someone with heart disease, or other chronic illnesses if
treated properly with the chemotherapy we have available today one
can have a long and healthy life.

Wishing you the best!

Little One

Offline tropical

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #20 on: October 05, 2008, 06:28:09 AM »
hello
there are some things that WE have no control...heart for instance. i met this guy who was supposed to be my foreigner friend. he came to my country for us to travel together. i had a (neg) boy friend at this time. we went travelling (me, this guy and another friend), we spent a 24 hs together during 3 weeks and we went through the most fantastic adventures. when he went away we missed each other so much and i got into that terrible dilemma. yes i love him, he loves me but i do not want hiv in my life. i was scared and sad. but day after day, talking to + people, doctors, his doctor, reading, getting lots of information and, i can tell you, this web site has helped me a LOT to ease my mind, i now feel totally secure about the fact that i want him by my side.

i always say: THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING, JUST THINK ABOUT IT, WHEN YOU GET YOURSELF TO A CONCLUSION, YU WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER.

look, we love each other deeply, he lives on the other side of the world, he is + and nothing is stopping us from being together, because between us THERE IS LOVE!!!!!!!!

Offline atl76

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  • Posts: 1
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #21 on: March 24, 2009, 07:45:47 PM »
can someone talk to  me about how to deal wiith a postive lover...my partner found out he was postive in july and he and i have not have any intmacy since then...he has moments when he is biting my head off....and then times when he jsut wants to be hugged up o n me..what can i do to help..he is looking for somone to talk to...

Offline Peter Staley

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  • Founder & Advisory Editor, AIDSmeds.com
    • AIDSmeds.com
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2009, 09:42:52 AM »
atl76 -- one idea -- encourage him to join these forums.  Also, it sounds like you both could use some couples counseling.  Is this an option for you?  Talking these feelings out is really the only way forward.

Welcome to our forums!

Offline franfrog

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  • Posts: 238
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2009, 03:37:49 PM »
Welcome.  I was diagnosed 4 years ago and have my husband who is negative.  We found out a year after we were married.  I am still with him and he has been wonderful. 
I did and still do go through times where I am nevrous to be intimate with him even using protection.  It is something that I think is always in the back of everyones mind.  There are great support groups out there and also can come here and get support from so many.
I think getting information and support is a great thing.  Good luck and know that you are not alone.
7/05 diagnosis cd4- 52 vl -?
08/05 cd4-299 vl-1900
10/05 cd4-249 vl-349
12/05 cd4-349 vl-52
03/06 cd4-454 vl-<50
06/06 cd4-508 vl-<50

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2009, 04:01:05 PM »
I have a very long track record of this - 3 HIV+ bfs when I was negative.  Now I am HIV+ and single.  There may not be that many HIV- people posting in these forums. The protocal for that is not so clear (which threads are you allowed, and which not, for example).

The most important thing is communication and honesty. Isn't that true in any relationship? And keep the neg partner negative, of course. 

Right after a dignosis - wow, that is really really hard period for the diagnosed and his/her partner as well. The diagnosed person can be quite selfish and hurtful. Again, communication and honesty is the key and learning to say things so as not to hurt the other. 

Staying in the relationship or breaking up can be handled with kindness and civility but I would say this is a HUGE challenge, either way (staying together and staying happy, or splitting without tearing each other apart), and some objective outside professional counseling is always helpful. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline havetohavefaith

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #25 on: April 01, 2009, 08:13:39 PM »
Also new to the board, but I'am Negative my husband is Positive. We have been married 15 years.

We are also proud parents of a 8 children.

I wont lie the first year of his diagnosis was VERY hard, but we have worked through so much and our marraige has never been stronger.

So Very glad to have found these forums

~J

Husband diagnosed 3/30/08
on Atripla
 8/07/09 Vl undetectable/ CD4 304

Offline butterflyguy

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AIDS Partner With Neg Partner??
« Reply #26 on: April 14, 2009, 12:14:37 AM »
I am 28 years old and dying from AIDS. I have 268 CD4 Count which in the for years I have had Aids is the highest it has ever been. Luckily I have a undetectable viral load and have had so for 4 years. I have been hospitalised twice do to my virus and I have controlled Hep B that is hurting my liver. I also was Gaybashed and attracted by 3 men and beaten on the head with a hammer that has caused my Brian problems for me. I am being told I have 5 to 10 years before my body and or brain will start to lose function. All this has happen in the space of four years. I thought my life couldn't get and worse. Then!

I met my boyfriend 3 months ago. And now I am just happy for everyday I get to be with him. Love has proven to be the best healer for me. There's just one problem he is 22 negative and very scared of being intimate with me. I don't know how else to explain we use protection I don't ejaculate inside him and he doesn't want to have oral sex which I am fine with. I know there are some small risks but how do I help him understand it's no more dangerous then having unprotected sex with a so called neg partner.

I try to give him facts but he just says he still is scared. I am beginning to lose allot of self worth over this. When we are making love all i think about is his safety and he looks scared so we have very little sex. I keep wondering how long before he wants fearless sex with someone else. I wish more then anything I could have his trust and help him understand the facts. I can't live with the shame I feel everytime he rejects me out of fear. I love him and can wait for him to adjust but inside I am crying about having AIDS for the first time. Are there just some limits to love that can't win over fear. I miss his love and touch. I need help.

Please help me talk to him

g

Offline tower1974

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #27 on: April 15, 2009, 04:17:15 PM »
i just found out that my parteer is postive and im negative ....i took 2 days off from work to get my mind together...very new  to   this ...went to counciling already .......still trying to put piceaces togethere

Offline newbie05

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #28 on: May 10, 2009, 09:14:21 PM »
I love reading all these inspiring posts! I was with someone who was positive-myself being negative. From 1997-2005, I remained negative. Unfortunately, 2005 I tested positive. My advice to you is to always be careful. Don't be like me and keep thinking that we could do a little more and a little more. Also, if you have any other stds, your chance of becoming poz. is more than doubled.

Offline ryansson

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #29 on: May 11, 2009, 11:32:29 AM »
I actually recently started a relationship with a positive lady (neg myself), I knew before we had even met of her status as we would swap emails, she is a wonderful person and am enjoying things allot so far. It can be a scary situation of course, but getting educated does so much to alleviate that fear and as far as a sex life goes we are maybe going to have to get more creative, I think if anything having to use condoms all the time has made me realise how good sex is 99% emotional and 1% physical and it's only what people should be doing anyway in truth.

This is a new relationship and obv has a complication, but in a strange way I think it has brought us closer quicker and the trust between us is extremely solid through it :)

Offline dragonrainsd

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #30 on: June 05, 2009, 05:51:23 PM »
Hey everyone,

I am greatly relived that this forum exists. I just recently started to date a wonderful man. We have nearly gotten intimate and he would stop, i started to wonder and i knew he was taking meds for something. Two evenings ago while i was driving him home he told me that he wanted to tell me something. Granted it scared the *** out of me. He told me that he had been Poz since 2000 in which i nearly wrecked the car but he told me that he has been undetectable for 'quite' a while. and his CD4 was great. I was a bit scared for the last couple of days and we haven't seen each other not because i didn't want to just life got in the way, work etc. Last night i spent about 3+ hours looking for information and anything i could find.  I am still a little scared but i know that taking precautions etc will help things out.  I guess my biggest questions haven't worked themselves to the front of my mind. I love him dearly and HIV/AIDS isn't a factor that will stop that.  I just really don't know what all to expect. I work in the health care field since i was 16 and the first time i ran into a person who was poz was at the later stages of AIDS in a nursing home at about 17. I didn't see much since i was a kitchen worker. I also have a close friend that is poz and helped him out when he got sick for about a year on and off.  Oddly enough i am still scared beyond reason.  I feel really stupid for being scared about this. I mean i am in danger of every thing viral or bacterial just because of the work field i am in  but damn i am scared. Calming down helps. I did get to see him today and we talked about me being scared and that it is OK and communication was key as well.  I am sure i will have little 'freak outs' on occasion. From ya'll's  perspective am i just being a selfish ass  or not so much? I want to know what to expect so i can figure out what i can do to help him out before hand although i know i wouldn't be 100% prepared or ready when/if he gets really sick. I can't leave him at this point i just can't see functioning day in day out with out him. In the perspective of those of you who have been in a multiple year relationship i wonder if you think i am being irrational since the relationship is less then a month along.

With Great Thanks,
Dragonrainsd

Offline mecch

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #31 on: June 05, 2009, 09:03:55 PM »
I want to know what to expect so i can figure out what i can do to help him out before hand although i know i wouldn't be 100% prepared or ready when/if he gets really sick.

If he is on HAART and undetectable, there is nothing to "expect". He has a manageable, serious virus. Your relationship will be built on 99% other things than any "help" he might need, or the possibility he might get sick.  You might get sick of something long before HIV ever makes him sick. 
Communication is important in all aspects of the relation, so just through his HIV+ status in the same lot. You'll have to negotiate how to both feel comfortable in sex. 
If there are other challenges related to his HIV+ status, you have not communicated them here. Is he on disability? Is there a financial challenge? How does he feel about his status and dating a HIV- person.

Good luck!
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline justin

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #32 on: July 07, 2009, 10:30:36 PM »
HI
My wife is + & I am -
I do need to go get tested again. For me that is the hardest thing.
In some ways I rather not know. But........... I know I must.
Other than that most of the time we never think of it.
Of course every 6 months when she needs labs we worry & hope for
good results. So far so good.
Other than that we worry at times about others finding out.
We live in a smaller area so she worries someone at the clinic will wonder when she has an appointment etc.
Good Luck to all


Offline mewithu

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #33 on: July 10, 2009, 12:41:33 PM »
 ??? :-\ :) I am positive and I don't know if you no if you want to hear what I havwe tosay,but here it goes. I know this couple and a couple of years into their relationship one of them turns up and confesses to his lover he is Positive. If you ask me he areready had gone beyond the positive stage because it takes years before you get sick and this guy was sickwithin a couple of months after telling him,his lover that is. This situation may hay have nothing at all to do with yours as this was about fifteen years ago. They are still together but the romance of course is gone because the Positive one wasn't stupid. he new he had been tricked into a relationship. but time went on and they bought a house together and are stuck together finincially.
 This didin't turn into the fairy tale that most relationships even Pos and Neg ones can some days.
  I don't really know what to tell you other than look at your self deep down into yourself and ask can in many years If I fall out or if I am already in love with this guy deal with the things sexually that it would take not to have fear instead of love in your heart. I t is a hard question to ask your self. Good luck finding a true and just answer, be fare to yourself and him also. Go to a counseler if you have the funds. Go to an ASO they have group discussions on this very issue. You may have found love wich is hard to find. There are a lot of questions one person can not answer for you.

Sincerely,
Jerry
1997 is when I found out, being deathly ill. I had to go to the hospital due to extreme headache and fever. I fell coma like,  two months later weighing 95 pounds and in extreme pain and awoke to knowledge of Pancreatis, Cryptococcal Meningitis, Thrush,Severe Diarea,  Wasting, PCP pneumonia. No eating, only through tpn. Very sick, I was lucky I had good insurance with the company I worked for. I was in the hospital for three months that time. 
(2010 Now doing OK cd4=210  VL= < 75)
I have become resistant to many nukes and non nukes, Now on Reyataz, , Combivir. Working well for me not too many side effects.  I have the wasting syndrome, Fatigue  . Hard to deal with but believe it or not I have been through worse. Three Pulmonary Embolism's in my life. 2012 520 t's <20 V load

Offline paquitocancun

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #34 on: September 23, 2009, 01:09:06 PM »
My partner has just been diagnosed as positive three days ago.
I tested negative, pending another test in three months, although the doc thinks it will come back negative as we have had no unsafe sexual contact.

Having been together 4 years, the diagnosis is just one extra item on the relationship menu, but certainly not a decisive factor as to staying together or not.

When we met, we took it slowly, dated, moved in together, then I was transferred from Europe to Mexico and he followed immediately. At first we had a language barrier with one another, then cultural differences, then experience differences, and now this new challenge.

Personally, I do not think that his hiv status has any influence on how I see him as a person. Right now, it is my duty to help him adjust and get used to the meds, the different regime on schedules, controls, etc. but in the end, once we find the right cocktail and adjust a little, it is mere "administrative" stuff and not something that should our perspective on each other.


Had it been diabetes instead of hiv, would it be different? I think not. It is another manageable disease that requires some adjustments, but not something that should turn a relationship on its head.

Regards,

Paco

Offline Chosen Minority

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #35 on: September 26, 2009, 04:23:49 PM »
I can see that the long trail of replies has already answered the original question, but I felt the need to add my name to the list. I am negative (as of my last test) but I am dating a man who is positive. He told me before any 'significant' exposure had occurred & it caused a bit of chaos in my mind. I hope my reaction was not insulting, but I still don't know how much I am comfortable with. It's still early in our relationship & I don't know that I'm falling in love... I think that's the most frustrating thing. He is a nice guy & we're having fun, but I am having a hard time getting him to talk seriously about deeper emotional issues. I don't believe that the  difference in status is weighing seriously on our relationship... but then again I am here in my online quest for more information about HIV/AIDS trying to make sure that my approach to and thinking about it is reasonable, so it's obviously an issue. So, yes, there are others out there.

Offline ruralguy

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #36 on: September 27, 2009, 11:09:02 AM »
I can share a relevant story.  I'm pos (3 months), my partner of 26yrs and a third we play with from time to time have tested negative.  I was never sick and don't know when I was infected except it was in the 18 months between tests.

Early on I was terribly scared that either of then leaving or just say "no sex anymore", let's be friends.  The 'untouchable' thing was eating me up.  And I was scared of many other things as well. 

Their feeling was that we had been playing safely all along and they were both fine. So they conspired to take me away for a weekend about 3 weeks after my positive test.  They held me and kissed my and did everything we always do together specifically to prove that they weren't going anywhere and indeed had no fear of the kind of physical contact we had always enjoyed.  For the first time I found myself crying for the joy the relationship and pulled away from crying over suddenly being poz.  It was a turning point.

We are more aware of safety details but no real change was needed in how we relate to eachother.  I'm now on meds and, for sure, we will all be even more comfortable when I get to undectable (and my vr load never was measured at more than 9000 although it must have been at some point).

So I guess my message would be that HIV today is more of a test of honesty and full disclosure in a new relationship - and if you have these things they are a pretty strong basis for a successful relationship.  Fear of HIV is just that, fear, and knowledge should free you of that fear.  Fear of sex and physical relations should not be part of the burden once you have educated yourselves. 

Hope this helps, Dave
tested positive June 19, 2009
7/3/09 vrl 9000 cd4 - 300
8/14/09 cd4 - 350, 20%
started Atripla 9/14/09
10/5/09 vrl undetectable, WOW so fast!
12/28/09 vrl undetectable, CD4 - 615  27% cholesterol down, kidney function normal
4/26/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-600, kidney and liver numbers normal
9/9/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-685
1/3/11 vrl undetectable, CD4-700
all 2011 and Jan 2012 visits vrl undetectable CD4 ranged from 715-645
5/7/2012  vrl undetectable, CD4-615, all liver, kidney, lipids, heart functions, etc normal


On Atripla:  "Your mileage may vary"

Offline dragonrainsd

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #37 on: January 14, 2010, 03:47:44 AM »
Hi everyone,

Just wanted to update on my previous post. Thank you "mecch" for your advice. Actually there are some other things i learned about my partner's health, but we have talked about them and things are going wonderful. He had to go 'home' due to family issues and is now living there till things sort out. We talk on the phone everyday and i have no regrets telling him yes. My biggest issues are with the community i live in. They say things that imply that i am toast already so to speak. Maybe i take people's opinions to heart way to much and i know that i need to learn that isn't the way to do things. My closest friends have pushed me away, some of those people i consider to be my closest friends that are more like the family. Some are even asking if i really love him or not. And of course as a 24 year old person i get pissed and then think later. Anyway things are going great right now although we are what feels like millions of miles away. Thank you all for your support. His family already can't wait for me to come to a holiday and spend time with them. It is hard to believe that in about 5 months we will be together for a year which doesn't sound long to those that have been in much longer relationships, but for me it is huge! Might still be a hopless romantic but i am happy to be with the one i am with. Again thank you so much everyone!

Much happiness,
Dragonrainsd

Offline mecch

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #38 on: January 14, 2010, 04:14:07 AM »
Why don't you express your feelings or ask for advice about something specific.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline thethe1

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Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #39 on: February 19, 2010, 08:29:10 PM »
hi! i'm new to the forum...i actually didn't know if i wanted to join or not for the fact that all of this still scares the hell out of me. but i read your post and definitely wanted to share my story. i am 30 years old...4 years ago i met the love of my life who one day confessed to me that he is HIV+. no words can describe how i felt that day. knowing that he one day might be sick or die from this disease has torn my world apart. i've never in my life been treated like he treats me or loved like he loves me. after he told me about it, he gave me some space and i took it. i thought and thought and cried and cried. i just didn't know what to do. this man that i had fell in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with has a disease that cannot to this day be cured. what would i do without him. could i handle the emotional stress? i believe that God came to me in a way that only i could understand it that third night after the news. i was watching a television show where a couple had split up because of problems they were having. during the separation, the man found out he had a untreatable form of cancer and probably would spend his last days suffering and dying. he told his girlfriend about all of it and she asked herself the same questions that i had asked myself. she ended up going home to him and to be there with him. the point of my story is...no matter what a person comes in conflict with, love can always overcome that. i have chose to spend my life with this man. i love him regardless to what he has or what might happen to him. i love him more every day for dealing with it and having the strength and courage to be the man he is. i would never leave his side. he is on meds and trying to prolong his life. i just think the most important thing is for me to be there for him. we know our limits and we know what we have to do. i can't stress how important and how significant the support is for a person with HIV is. sometimes i think its more powerful than the meds. i love my baby and that's what will give us peace. that and God.
~together *forever*~

Offline uk01

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  • hi, I'm a HIV neg gay guy dating a poz guy
Re: Any Other Neg Partners Who Are With A Positive Partner??
« Reply #40 on: April 26, 2010, 04:50:38 PM »
hi there, neg here but have a partner who is poz (undetectable on meds for 2 years).  We have mostly safe sex.  I  do top him bareback often which is the only unsafe sex we have at present, although if there is any blood present i do wear a condom.  I really want to have full oral sex with him but he is not keen on having his cum in my mouth.  Do any serodiscordant couples have any experience of this?  I've read a number of studies that say it is very low risk (1 in 10,000 chance) but many of these are based on poz guys no on meds.  Obviosuly, being undetectable and on meds doesnt mean no risk/uninfectious as there is some risk.

 


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