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Author Topic: What now???  (Read 13276 times)

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Offline Nick Herman

  • Member
  • Posts: 26
What now???
« on: July 22, 2008, 06:58:55 AM »
Hi,

Where do I being, my story and feelings seem the same as everyoneís first initial reaction.  ďNever did I think it could happen to me!Ē  Found out a couple months ago, saddest day of my life, everything else that I was sad about in my life before this news didnít seem to matter anymore.    Iíd like to share a bit of my life if you guys donít mind.  Iím trying to make sense of it all but it seems that I canít get anywhere.

I am a gay male from India and if anyone knows Indian culture, homosexuality is not tolerated with the highest regard.  Iíve always knew I was gay my whole life, I tried to change it by dating girls and forcing myself to have sex with them but I came to terms with myself and I realize that I cant live my life trying fulfill what my culture asks me to be, get married, have kids, live happily ever after.  So I stop dating girls and I stop having sex in my teens. 

At the age of 21 I decided to pursue guys, I had some one night stands just to get over the fear of having sex with a guy (never unprotected).  Itís an empty feeling sex without love.  I then met a guy who was about 5 years older than me and we fell in love I guess.  I asked him if he was clean and if he gets tested and does he have anything, he said he is all ok.  We were together for 6 yrs. After a yr we decided it was ok for us both to have unprotected sex since we were both monogamous and clean.   After the 2nd year of our relationship I was finishing college and loaded up on lot of classes.  I started to get severe diarrhea.  I went to the doctor and they did the blood tests and told me I had acid reflux.  I was put on prev-pac.  I was sick for about 6 months.  All the doctors said it was stress.  I agreed, all the classes I took, full time job, juggling a relationship, it was a lot.   I went for a colonoscopy and I seemed fine after.   

After 3 years with this guy, the relationship took a bad road.  We just couldnít stand each other anymore, so I decided to break up with him.  He didnít let me.  He forced me to stay with him and told me he would turn my life upside down since I was still in the closet and let everyone know that Iím gay and ruin my life.  This went on for 4 yrs.  He hit me at times and raped me, and still out of everything that happened, I still loved him.  Iím stupid arenít I?  In the last year of our relationship I confessed to my friends what was going on, they were ok with me being gay and helped me break away.  After 7 years, I still love him, why??  I know Iím happier and better off but I canít help but love him.

Within these 7 years I was under a great deal of stress and emotional stress.  I still had diarrhea.  I blamed it all on the stress I was going through, pepto was my best friend. 

I then met someone else, who I am still with.  He means the universe to me.  In the first 3 months of our relationship he told me to get retested for HIV.   I randomly got blood screenings and told my doctor to check for everything (I guess I needed to be more specific, I was young I thought he knew I meant to check for hiv )  This time I told him plain and simple, I want an HIV test.  He said why, your blood tests always come up normal and your lymphocytes are always normal, but I did it for this guy.  So of course I get tested and Iím HIV positive.  I told my bf to get test and he is negative.  When did this happen?????

Was this while I was with the guy for 7 yrs.  I went to my immunologist, he said my viral count is really low, I donít need to be on meds at all.  I will become too immune too fast and I donít need them right now.  If my viral count is so low, doesnít that mean I just got this?  I donít understand this disease.  Itís been 8 months since me and my bf has been together, he knows Iím positive, he refuses to leave my side.  Heís negative, I feel like I am robbing him of life by staying with me because of my mistakes and ignorance.  I wish I knew about these things when I was younger.  If I wasnít with my bf I would be dead because all I could think about was committing suicide, as I see a lot of people feel from these forums.

At this point, I just overwhelmed with sadness.  I thought this only happened to people who had random unprotected sex constantly.  I havenít had that many sexual partners in my life.  I came out to my parents a few months before finding out.  Now I am dealing with their anger and resentment of having a gay son.  They want me out.  I need family support and I canít even turn to them for this.  I wish I found this out before I told them I was gay.  Maybe then I could have had the love and support that I need.  All I have right now is my bf who I donít want him to be with me; I love him too much to give him this.  But if I lose him, I will become an emotional wreck and commit suicide. 

Symptoms recently:  my legs pain at night, I still have diarrhea, I get white head pimples randomly on my body.  My glands are swollen so much it hurts.  I am tired, sad.  Is this all physiological? 

Things I read also make me sad.  Avg life span 24 yrs.  Now I will rob my bf time.
It gets worse as you get older?  If I get anything else with this such as diabetes, which runs in my family, I will be worse.  Thank GOD for my bf, but I was a good person all my life, what did I do to deserve this? 

- sad 26 yr old Indian kid
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,050
Re: What now???
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2008, 08:19:47 AM »
Hey Nick,

Welcome to the forums.  I've been diagnosed since 1989 and btw, I'm diabetic as well.  You won't "get worse" if you get anything else.  You'll deal with it when it comes.  No need to worry about it right now.

No one "deserves" this.  It's just something that happens. If your viral load is low, then you've probably had this for awhile.  When first infected, the viral load usually shoots up while the body attempts to deal with the new virus.  Of course, this is just an educated guess.  When dealing with medical stuff, it's always best to get the opinion of a doctor.   I'm so glad you've got the support of your boyfriend.  There are some poz/neg partners on here; maybe someone will chime in.  I'm sorry about the reaction your family's having.  Do you have any siblings?  Is it just your mum/dad who act rejecting? 

I would suggest you see a therapist.  He/she can walk you through all your grief, emotional upheaval, pain etc.  It's always good to have a professional on board to help with those kinds of things.  I've been seeing one since 1991 (the same one) and he's been invaluable. 

You "being good" has nothing to do with whether you'll get HIV or not.  My 1st husband was the source of my HIV infection (he died years ago).  Good people get this all the time.  Leave the moral judging  to someone else.  You need to take care of you, be gentle, all that stuff.  Learn to forgive yourself.  That's a big step in the acceptance process.  Take life in little chunks (don't try to deal with everything at once).  Enjoy the little things in life.  Enjoy being with your partner.  And continue talking.  That always helps. And we're always here.  Good luck.
   Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline loop78

  • Member
  • Posts: 147
Re: What now???
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2008, 08:38:08 AM »
Well, Betty's covered all the points I wanted to make pretty well, so I'll just welcome you to boards! ;)

Try to take one thing at a time, and do not anticipate bad things that may or may not come to happen.

It does get better ;)

Hugs!

Offline Peter Staley

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,337
  • Founder & Advisory Editor, AIDSmeds.com
    • AIDSmeds.com
Re: What now???
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2008, 01:08:32 PM »
Welcome to our forums, Nick.  I'm glad you found us.

Betty is right -- you can be HIV positive for many years and still have a low viral load.

Here's the standard course of the disease for a person who never starts treatment:



The blue line is CD4 count, which falls in the weeks following infection, then rises back up as the immune system lowers a burst of virus (the red line).  The CD4s can stay up for years, but gradually decline.  Then, many years later (on average), the CD4s eventually fall under 200, and the viral load starts rising again.

Do you know what your CD4 count is?  That's what you should follow to determine if you should start therapy.  It's probably good, since your doc says you don't have to start right now.

It sounds very possible that your previous boyfriend infected you.  He might not even know he's positive, so I'd recommend telling him as long as doing so isn't too dangerous for you.

You're very lucky to have such a caring new boyfriend!

Peter Staley
Founder
AIDSmeds.com

Offline germangirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
Re: What now???
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2008, 07:22:42 PM »
Hello Nick,
I am negative and my husband is positive. When we found out he's positive he told me to leave him and live my life. I refused like your bf, cause for me he is still the same person, the person I love. The disease doesn't change his personality. Be thankful for your bf and try to manage your life with him by your side.

Your are still the same lovely person like before.

Greetings from Germany, Germangirl
Eres el aire que respiro,
Eres el compania de mi soledad,
Eres el luz que me ilumina,
Eres el camino en la oseuidad.
Dedicated to my husband

My husband is positive, I am negative.

Offline Nick Herman

  • Member
  • Posts: 26
Re: What now???
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2008, 12:52:23 AM »
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. 

I am still sad. I get happy at times, but for the most part I am always crying, I just donít want to live a life where I am always sick.  Doesn't it just get worst from this point?  It's only a matter of time before my cd4 count drops and my viral load increases, am I right?  What about the stomach problems, is this what causes "wasting".  I am skinny enough as it is, at 120 lbs 5'8.  When that happens, what will I weight. 

My biggest fears are making other people sick and becoming really sick where itís noticeable.  The bathroom has become my best friend :( .
Does anyone else go through this?   

Thank you everyone for the information and guidance.
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,898
Re: What now???
« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2008, 02:45:18 AM »
Hey Nick, we are going through a lot. But just step back for a second - all the physical problems like stomachache, etc, have your doctor checked them out? And yes, many things in your body can go wrong if you're under too much stress, which it seems you are. You only mentioned that your viral load is low, how about CD4? If the latter is high, with a viral load it should have caused all those. I of course cannot say for sure, so better to bring them to the attention of your doctor.

You're receiving medical attention, and with all latest stats and trends in development, we're looking at an expanding lifespan. But at the end no one knows for sure - there's this Chinese proverb, "If you don't know how to live your life, why worry about death". Living is our priority! Focus on how to get yourself better now, which includes not scaring yourself.

I am sorry to hear about your family. If they cannot be understanding, get your supports somewhere for now. They may come round, or they may not. We won't know how things will turn out at the end. You have a partner that won't leave you, so work with him as team. Seek out local support groups - you'd find that you can meet some real new "friends" instead of making your bathroom one.

Yes, some of us think of suicide. We all have our darker moments. But look around, hang out longer, we have far more fellow HIVers here intending to live a very long life, be productive and still have many life goals to achieve.

Rant as much as you like here Nick.. we're here for you as a cyber-community.

Hugs, Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline madbrain

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,208
  • No longer an active member
    • My personal site
Re: What now???
« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2008, 04:37:26 AM »
Hi Nick,

Hi,

Where do I being, my story and feelings seem the same as everyoneís first initial reaction.  ďNever did I think it could happen to me!Ē  Found out a couple months ago, saddest day of my life, everything else that I was sad about in my life before this news didnít seem to matter anymore.    Iíd like to share a bit of my life if you guys donít mind.  Iím trying to make sense of it all but it seems that I canít get anywhere.

Of course we don't mind, that's what the forums are for !
I think testing positive was the saddest day for a lot of us. I can certainly relate that I never thought it could happen to me, and I'm sure others can too.

Quote
After 3 years with this guy, the relationship took a bad road.  We just couldnít stand each other anymore, so I decided to break up with him.  He didnít let me.  He forced me to stay with him and told me he would turn my life upside down since I was still in the closet and let everyone know that Iím gay and ruin my life.  This went on for 4 yrs.  He hit me at times and raped me, and still out of everything that happened, I still loved him.  Iím stupid arenít I?  In the last year of our relationship I confessed to my friends what was going on, they were ok with me being gay and helped me break away.  After 7 years, I still love him, why??  I know Iím happier and better off but I canít help but love him.

Sorry to hear about this terrible relationship.

Quote
Within these 7 years I was under a great deal of stress and emotional stress.  I still had diarrhea.  I blamed it all on the stress I was going through, pepto was my best friend. 

Stress may well have been the cause indeed. It can cause a lot of physical symptoms, especially digestive.

Quote
When did this happen?????

Given what you describe of your sexual history, most likely you got it from your ex.

Quote
Was this while I was with the guy for 7 yrs.  I went to my immunologist, he said my viral count is really low, I donít need to be on meds at all.

That is good news.

Quote
If my viral count is so low, doesnít that mean I just got this?
Unfortunately not conclusively. While Peter provided some great information about the average course of the disease, some people have very widely different rates of progression that vary from average. Some people lose tcells much faster than others. Some people have viral load that goes up much faster than others.
Even if you are in the average, you can see that the viral load stays usually within a given range (below 10,000) for a long time - many years, so there is no way for you to tell from one set of numbers when you got infected. The only sure formula to find the date of your infection is that you got infected between 3 months before your last negative HIV test and your positive test.

Quote
If I wasnít with my bf I would be dead because all I could think about was committing suicide, as I see a lot of people feel from these forums.
It certainly helps a lot to have someone by your side, whether negative or positive.

Quote
At this point, I just overwhelmed with sadness.  I thought this only happened to people who had random unprotected sex constantly.  I havenít had that many sexual partners in my life.  I came out to my parents a few months before finding out.  Now I am dealing with their anger and resentment of having a gay son.  They want me out.  I need family support and I canít even turn to them for this.  I wish I found this out before I told them I was gay.  Maybe then I could have had the love and support that I need.  All I have right now is my bf who I donít want him to be with me; I love him too much to give him this.  But if I lose him, I will become an emotional wreck and commit suicide. 
It is a tough situation you are in. My bf is in a similar place. He tested positive the same time I did in November 2006, 10 months after meeting me, and less than 6 months after we both had negative HIV tests. Unlike you, he is still in the closet - his parents don't know he is gay. Though they must suspect something about his sexual orientation, given that he has been sleeping at my house nearly every night for 2.5 years. But even so, I'm sure they don't suspect anything with his health.

Quote
Symptoms recently:  my legs pain at night, I still have diarrhea, I get white head pimples randomly on my body.  My glands are swollen so much it hurts.  I am tired, sad.  Is this all physiological? 
I went through a lot of this after my diagnosis. Problems with my stomach, fatigue, depression. You need to seek help for it. See a therapist, and perhaps a psychiatrist to get antidepressants. Despite the reports to the contrary, some of those medications really work.

Quote
Things I read also make me sad.  Avg life span 24 yrs.  Now I will rob my bf time.

That is only an average, with currently available medications. They will improve. And you can beat the average.

Quote
It gets worse as you get older?  If I get anything else with this such as diabetes, which runs in my family, I will be worse.  Thank GOD for my bf, but I was a good person all my life, what did I do to deserve this? 
Nobody deserves this disease anymore than other diseases, despite what some religious people will try to tell you. The fact that it is acquired through sex does not make it more shameful. In your case apparently you didn't even get the virus through consensual sex, so if you really need to assign blame to somebody, it certainly shouldn't be your own. But I would caution you against trying to assign blame however, because it will not really help you. You have the virus now, and unless you own a time machine, you must think about how to best live with it, not about what you did or did not do before.

Offline madbrain

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,208
  • No longer an active member
    • My personal site
Re: What now???
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2008, 02:22:23 PM »
Nick,

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. 

I am still sad. I get happy at times, but for the most part I am always crying, I just donít want to live a life where I am always sick.  Doesn't it just get worst from this point?  It's only a matter of time before my cd4 count drops and my viral load increases, am I right?

Anyone could say that life only gets worse from now due to age, whether infected or not. If you take care of yourself, HIV will not really be so different.
Yes, on average your CD4 count will drop and your VL will increase over time, unless you are one of the lucky long-term non-progressors or elite controllers. But when you need it, you can seek treatment and the VL will decrease, and the CD4 drop should stop and probably go up.

Quote
What about the stomach problems, is this what causes "wasting". 

I know you probably don't want to hear it, and I didn't want to hear it from my doctor either when he told me the same, but it is most likely stress-related. After my diagnosis I spent the next 6 months obsessing over HIV, reading every possible article on it that I could find. I had just taken a new job the week I got diagnosed, and I lost it quickly, within 3 months, for not being able to perform.

Quote
I am skinny enough as it is, at 120 lbs 5'8.  When that happens, what will I weight. 

At 26, you are still young. People's metabolisms tends to slow with age. Trust me, you will not always be that skinny.
I'm 1m68 or 5'6. When I was 18, back when I was living in France, I was weighing 43kg, or 94 pounds. Today at 32 I'm still the same height, but the scale this morning said 147.6 lbs or 67 kg. That's 56% higher, but it is actually a healthier weight (though I would prefer to be 130 or 120 like you). Maybe you won't have an increase quite as dramatic, but I bet you will not always remain 120.

Quote
My biggest fears are making other people sick and becoming really sick where itís noticeable.  The bathroom has become my best friend :( .
Does anyone else go through this?   

Yes, absolutely.

Offline Nick Herman

  • Member
  • Posts: 26
Re: What now???
« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2008, 10:49:22 PM »
Thank you again everyone who replies to my posts.

I canít help but feel gratitude for the words you share with me.  In my time when I feel alone, these message boards seem to help a lot.   I visit them quite often as I feel my sanity slipping away.  :'(

Iím ok at some moments and then bad others.  Itís a roller coaster of emotions I am going through.  This is more of a physiological disease than a physical one.  As a gay guy, I face society with fear of being judged.  As I overcame that, I feel that my judgment has just begun.  Society has caused all of us to feel this way for something beyond our control. 

As I read through these posts I see all of us share almost 90% of similar emotions.  I also see a small family building.  Tonight I am sane for the moment.  I still have high hopes that one day there will be a cure, and everyone from these message boards will meet up and celebrate how we all helped each other get through this. 

I once again thank everyone for responding, it helps 300%.  Off to the doc tomorrow, I will get a copy of the last report and let you know what my numbers are.  I am still having a hard time understanding what all of that means. 

Thanks for the chart and the concerns for me, I donít feel so alone anymore.

Smiling tonightÖ.  :) Hope I can keep it on for a while.

Thanks everyone!
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline Nick Herman

  • Member
  • Posts: 26
Re: What now???
« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2008, 12:21:15 PM »
CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, no meds.   

What does this mean?  Good bad? 
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline BT65

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Re: What now???
« Reply #11 on: July 25, 2008, 02:19:59 PM »
Nick, those are excellent numbers.  Congratulations! 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline madbrain

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Re: What now???
« Reply #12 on: July 25, 2008, 02:21:30 PM »
CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, no meds.   

What does this mean?  Good bad? 

That's good. Do you also know what your HIV viral load is ?

Offline Nick Herman

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Re: What now???
« Reply #13 on: July 25, 2008, 03:28:30 PM »
I don't know what the Viral load is.  The reports that I had copied didn't have that info.  I did another test today. I will get that info next week.

 It's scary giving 5 tubes of blood at one time.  The first time I did, I got up passed out on the floor.  Scary stuff.  The doctor also gave me a TB shot and pneumonia shot (didn't even know that existed). 

Next week when I get the results, he will give me a hep A and B shot and he will test the stool (for the stomach problems).  I said at times I don't feel well.  He said that everything seems fine and my mind may be making it up. 

He wants to me to seek counseling.  I am afraid of facing others with this.  I don't want to be depressed anymore.  I feel ok physically, but my mind makes everything feel wrong. 

Shouldn't my cd4 be higher.  He said the highest is 1500.  My number seems a bit low.  But then again, I've never had a strong immune system my whole life.

Thanks for the positive feeback guys. 
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline madbrain

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Re: What now???
« Reply #14 on: July 25, 2008, 05:20:40 PM »
Hi,

I don't know what the Viral load is.  The reports that I had copied didn't have that info.  I did another test today. I will get that info next week.

Keep us posted.

Quote
It's scary giving 5 tubes of blood at one time.  The first time I did, I got up passed out on the floor.  Scary stuff

On the day I tested poz, they took 8 tubes from me, and I was crying. The people at the lab couldn't figure out why ...

Quote
The doctor also gave me a TB shot and pneumonia shot (didn't even know that existed). 

Yes, standard protocol. They should also test you for TB. You should also get a flu vaccine every year.

Quote
He wants to me to seek counseling.  I am afraid of facing others with this.  I don't want to be depressed anymore.

It's important that you do this. Counseling comes in many forms, indvidual or group. Go for individual first, and find somebody you can trust.
A psychiatrist can also prescribe medication. Personally I go for both regular counseling (only once a month right now) and take anti depressants (daily).

Quote
Shouldn't my cd4 be higher.  He said the highest is 1500.  My number seems a bit low.  But then again, I've never had a strong immune system my whole life.

Thanks for the positive feeback guys. 

We are all different. The normal range for CD4 is considered to be between 500 and 1500 . Genetics and many other factors affect it a lot. You are still in the normal range, so you should not worry about having this particular number. But your doctor and you will need to monitor how that number changes to decide if and when you will need treatment.
I am in the same range as you are. Last year I actually had one test where I hit the exact same number you have - 569. I never had a strong immune system either.
My bf on the other hand almost never got sick much before, but after he got the virus, his first CD4 test came at 300, and then he went to the 200s quickly.

Offline YesWeCan

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Re: What now???
« Reply #15 on: July 26, 2008, 07:11:22 PM »
Nick. I can relate to you very well. I llost every one of my relationship who found out about me that I am gay as well as HIV positive. No Parents, No friends and I had all of that people in my life. I am from a country where they would kill me if they found out that I am gay. My best friend doesn't even shake my hand and stopped calling me when I told him. I needed a hug all i got a rejection and you know what it was all good. I don't complain. I believe in doing something about it. and that is I don't these people in my life who don't accept me being gay and being positive. Life is too short. Enjoy every moment of it. Eat healthy, exercise and try to find nice people in your life. Don't get stressed. I do get stressed but then i think about positive things and the best thing happen to me that I want to enjoy every moment to the fullest. Do what gives you pleasure. Enjoy life. Don't ask this question why You. It would not help. You might hear  in the news that a baby's father dies before his or her birth. Should that baby ask Why he or she. Life is hard and there are alot of worst things than being HIV positive. HIV is a virus and we can fight that virus. take care

Offline wow1969

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Re: What now???
« Reply #16 on: July 26, 2008, 08:18:35 PM »
once i realized that HIV wasn't a death sentence i also realized that there are many many illness out there that won't kill you but will make your life much worse than HIV ... of course there are those that will just kill you as well ... with HIV you have a chance of living and breathing and being happy still ... just follow the rules ... that is what i've learned so far

Offline Nick Herman

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Re: What now???
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2008, 03:22:51 PM »
 :-* wow1969, thanks for your support and the information.  I will do try to follow the rules. 

 :-* Yeswecan- Thanks for all of your words.  I am happy and sad at the same time.  Happy to know that I'm not alone in this world to go through this situation, that I am not the only one who is facing such hurt from the ones we love.  But I am sad that we are facing it. 

I'm not on meds, Doc said I don't need to be.  But I've been sick for 2 weeks.  The diarrhea is not stopping and the stomach pains.  I am tired every day and just can't seem to keep awake.  I don't know what to do at this point.   :'(

On a better note, I've been feeling hurt that the guy I was with for 7 yrs gave this to me.  I do think he may have been cheating.  So i started talking to my friends about the situation, without disclosing information about me ( I am afraid of his reactions). 

I told one of my friends, who always uses a condom, even if you have a bf, always use a condom, because people cheat, and you never know what can happen to yourself.  He was scared and thankful for the advice (he's much younger).  Then I told him "pay it forward".  The movie concept, tell at least 3 people and let those 3 people each tell 3 people.  I know it may seem a little lame, but I wish I knew better when I was younger.   And anything that can keep a younger generation more informed how risky it is, esp amongst gay men, I think is worth it.

I wonder if anyone else would want to try this idea.   :)
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline BT65

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Re: What now???
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2008, 07:14:01 AM »
Nick, for the diarrhea, you might want to pick up some Immodium at the drugstore, or its generic, Loperamide.  It works pretty good.

As for the pay it forward thing, I've seen the movie.  I've told people about using condoms.  In the end, it's ultimately up to each person.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline 100proofBrandy

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Re: What now???
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2008, 07:54:58 AM »
Nick first I would like to welcome you :) second your levels are great its taken me 11 years to get my levels even  close to yours :) CD4 698 :) and last I am a poz woman with a neg man his is my rock I told him before I would even go on a date with him. Sept 8th will be 2 years we have been together! at first I worried I was bringing him into this and dragging him down but you know  something there is nothing written that we cant have completely normal LONG lives with the one we love being a poz/neg couple is really no different then poz/poz or neg/neg we still LOVE. LAUGH, CRY together. I hope this helps just remember if he loves you enough to stand by you then why question it LOVE is LOVE and when your lucky enough to find it be HAPPY in all it GLORY enjoy each other some people never find that kind of love and support 
The person you educate today maybe the one you save tomorrow :)

Offline Nick Herman

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Re: What now???
« Reply #20 on: August 06, 2008, 01:07:31 AM »
Bettyacy, thanks for the recommendation, but I've tried them all.  It wont stop. 

100proofbrandy, (currently I feel like that's something I should be drinking right now) Thanks for your comments.

I went to the doc this weekend to get the results of my blood test after 3 months.  The lab lost my 5 tubes of blood.  How do you lose blood?  I mean they put the label on the tube with a number linked to the paper that has the matching number with all of my information.  It's really frustrating because they haven't figured out what my viral load is yet.  Why would it take so long to figure it out.  The first test didn't have my viral load.  Has this ever happened to anyone before?

BTW I gave more blood, another 5.

I'm still on an emotional rollercoaster.  Good one day, crying my life away the next.  Loosing a lot of sleep and becoming paranoid. 
I don't know what to do anymore.  I feel stubborn not to listen to everyone's positive feedback, but it just won't sink in. :(
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline BT65

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Re: What now???
« Reply #21 on: August 06, 2008, 10:00:31 AM »
Nick,

There is a prescription Loperamide that you can get from your doctor; just tweek how many times you need to take it.  This is very effective. 

I would be frustrated with the lab also.  You know, it takes things awhile to sink in.  You might want to consider getting a therapist on board (I don't remember you having one yet) to help you deal with all your issues.  It really can make a difference.

Just hang in there and keep talking.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Nick Herman

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Re: What now???
« Reply #22 on: August 14, 2008, 10:32:36 AM »
Hi,

I wanted to give an update and I had a few questions.

I finally got my results after the lab lost my blood. 

8/14/08
Cd4 629 (33%)
vl 3280
no meds

Last test was in may CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, no meds. 5/23/08

I thought my numbers were supposed to go down without meds?   
Is there any chance that the VL goes down without meds? 
If my VL is this low what time frame would you say I got this?

btw the stool/ stomach test came back normal.  Everything seems fine.  The stomach problems may be a result of stress.

Feeling a bit better in the last month.
Thanks everyone.

 :)
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline madbrain

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Re: What now???
« Reply #23 on: August 14, 2008, 08:22:16 PM »
Hi,

Hi,

I wanted to give an update and I had a few questions.

I finally got my results after the lab lost my blood. 

8/14/08
Cd4 629 (33%)
vl 3280
no meds

Last test was in may CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, no meds. 5/23/08

I thought my numbers were supposed to go down without meds?   
Is there any chance that the VL goes down without meds? 
If my VL is this low what time frame would you say I got this?

btw the stool/ stomach test came back normal.  Everything seems fine.  The stomach problems may be a result of stress.

Feeling a bit better in the last month.
Thanks everyone.

 :)

Those are good numbers.

Over long periods of time (years) the CD4 numbers go down. But everyone has a different rate of progression. You don't exactly know when you were infected so that makes it even harder to predict.

And the VL can go down a bit without meds. It typically stays within a range for a while, so it will go up and down some over time. Look at the numbers in my signature and you will see for example my latest VL is one of the lowest I ever got, and I am not on meds yet.

Offline guydude

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Re: What now???
« Reply #24 on: August 14, 2008, 09:35:18 PM »
Hi Nick,

I just wanted to jump in here briefly.  You mentioned a 24-year lifespan after diagnosis.  My advice is don't take this too seriously. 

That was only one study, and I believe it was based primarily on mathematical modeling.  Another, more recent study concludes that for the average 20-year-old with access to good treatment, the expected lifespan post-diagnosis may be more like 50 years.  One description of that study is here: http://www.medpagetoday.com/HIVAIDS/HIVAIDS/tb/10250.  That same study predicted that the average 35-year-old with access to good meds might live to be 72. 

I would be inclined to take even that information with a grain of salt.  My fiancee is poz, and although I have struggled with the life-expectancy question A LOT, I have increasingly come to the conclusion that the news is not so bad, and only getting better everyday.  I recommend that you try to follow the scientific literature on HIV treatments.  A lot of the news is nothing short of incredible, at least in my opinion.  The meds are getting very good, at least for the people who have access to them. 

Also, keep in mind that the above numbers are only averages.  As somebody else said, you can always try (and hope) to beat the averages.  By definition, half of all HIV patients will be above average, and I personally believe that many will be WAAAAAY above average. 

Of course, these (predicted) averages could be wrong, but there is increasingly a scientific consensus that things are looking pretty good -- at least from my point of view.  Just take good care of yourself, exercise and eat well, and when it's time to start treatment, be sure you don't miss doses and educate yourself as much as possible about the options in your part of the world.  If you smoke, stop.  This may matter more than anything.  Watch out for liver disease, and other common ailments that can cause problems.  Eat vegetables. 

One last note: you may find some comfort in the fact that the generic antiretrovial industry in India is very, very active.  This will hopefully mean that people in your country have access to good, cheap meds in the future.  I think that's a reasonable thing to expect, in light of the legal trends, and (do I dare say this?) direction that political climate seems to be taking lately. 

Best of luck to you.  I added you to my buddy list. 

Offline jordan

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Re: What now???
« Reply #25 on: August 16, 2008, 06:28:45 PM »
Hi Nick:

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  I was diagnosed in Feb 2006 and my CD4 was very low so I started Sustiva/Truvada immediately. 

I'm happy to say now that my CD4's are in the 800 range and I'm living a 'normal' life.

I remember when I first was diagnosed, I had a swollen lymph node on my neck....I was just going to ignore it, until I went to the dentist and they felt it and said I should have it looked at.

I went and had a biopsy and tissue markers were positive with KS.  I had a HIV test and learned I was positive. My first thoughts were that I was going to somehow die within two weeks (don't ask my why, probably my ignorance of HIV and fear from what information I did have from tv/movies/news).

I joined this forum and learned that I was not the only person and that my life was not over.  It actually started a new chapter in my life, where I took even better care of myself, and learned more about myself.  I really started living from that moment on and I grew as a person.

I never thought this would happen to me, but it did.  Even God can't change the past.

You are so lucky to have someone now that loves you and is willing to see you as a person and not a disease.  We create a lot of our own suffering my resisting what is.  Accepting the situation and loving your new boyfriend will give you tremendous freedom and peace.

If you think your lonely now, wait until tonight.

Offline Nick Herman

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Re: What now???
« Reply #26 on: August 28, 2008, 07:43:01 AM »
Hey guydude,

Thanks for all the information you provided.  Btw, I am indian, but I don't live in india.  I am very fortunate to live here in the good ol USA and I have access to medicines I may need.    :D

and Thank you Jordan, you are right, I am very lucky to have someone.  But I can't help feel guilty that I am putting thier life in danger.

Lately I still have been sad about this situation.  Life hasn't changed as much.  I get sick every now and then, but I don't know if thats because of the virus.  All week I felt tired, I've had pains and my stomach hurts.  The doctors can't find anything wrong besides hiv.  I don't know what else to think.

My sex life is dying.  Now a days, I rather not have sex.  The less I have, the less the risk for it to be trasmittted.  Does anyone else think this way?

Thanks everyone again for all your support.   :)
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline Nick Herman

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Re: What now???
« Reply #27 on: December 04, 2008, 03:46:28 PM »
Hi everyone,

I wanted to give an update on my status and thank everyone again for thier support.

8/14/08
Cd4 629 (33%)
vl 3280
no meds

12/1/08 (world aids day)
cd4 620
vl (the lab lost my results again!!!)
no meds..

btw, how do i get that chart that kees a track of you status that i see on a lot of peoples posts..
thanks.  :)
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline madbrain

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Re: What now???
« Reply #28 on: December 04, 2008, 07:30:29 PM »
Hi,

Quote from: Nick Herman link=topic=22161.msg309577#msg309577
12/1/08 (world aids day)
cd4 620
vl (the lab lost my results again!!!)
no meds..

If your lab keeps losing your results, maybe you should try going somewhere else for your labs if you can.

Quote
btw, how do i get that chart that kees a track of you status that i see on a lot of peoples posts..
thanks.  :)

Click on Profile at the top, then Forum Profile Information, then type it in your signature.

Offline Nick Herman

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Re: What now???
« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2009, 04:41:49 AM »
sorry for the late response, thanks for your help madbrain.  I finally figured out how to put that information so i can keep a track of myself.

 ;D
5/1/08 Random HIV test, ...  HIV +
5/23/08 CD4 is 569 and 31.6%, vl? no meds
8/14/08 Cd4 629 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
12/1/08 (world aids day) cd4 620 vl no meds
12/24/08 620 (33%) vl 3280 no meds
3/31/09  544 (25%) vl 1790 no meds
8/17/09  519 ( ) vl 10000 no meds
10/27/09  hospitiliazed for meningitis
11/15/09  released from hospital
2/4/10  494 (27%) vl 2300 no meds
6/2/10  460 (25%) vl 18000 no meds
7/29/10  515 (30%) vl 4000  no meds
10/1/10  400(25%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/1/10  506(20%)    vl 9000 no meds
12/17/10 started 3 sustiva & 1 truveda a day
1/3/11 507 (32%) vl 76
1/14/11 started atripla
3/30/11 265 (?%) vl < 20
6/8/11 367 (29%) vl undetec
11/8/11 704 (30%) vl < 20
04/20/12 671 (33%) vl < 20
08/06/12 524 (34%) vl undetc

Offline indianhiv

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Re: What now???
« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2009, 10:43:56 PM »
Hey Nick I am from india. I got HIV when me and my wife went on for ivf treatment to have babies and the Doctor suggested a Donors egg. The donor though was tested, she was in teh window period and we got HIV. We are just 30 are sucessful businessman in our city. Almost the whole of the city knows us by name. The most bad part of teh diesease is not the diesease itself but the stigma attached with it. Waiting for our turn at the Doctos clinic is the worst part. Always concern whether sone known to us will see us and tell teh whole world. It ok man. Life life and enjoy. India is not as open to HIV as trhe otehr worlds but do we have an option?. No. The only way is go ahead.

Offline indianhiv

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Re: What now???
« Reply #31 on: September 05, 2009, 12:19:22 AM »
Can u please PM me , the person from india who got HIV from donors egg. I have the same story. I too am a very sucessful Professional and would like to be in touch. I would like people all around India to be in tocuh through this forum to get beter services in Inda. We all know such a big taboo HIV is in India

Offline Ann

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Re: What now???
« Reply #32 on: September 05, 2009, 08:04:56 AM »
Indian,

I think you got confused - you are asking you to get in touch with yourself. Look at the name to the left of the post you just responded to. You posted that nine months ago, so I guess you forgot.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline indianhiv

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Re: What now???
« Reply #33 on: September 13, 2009, 02:01:41 AM »
Hey Sorry i responded twice. Infact my intentions were that Poz in India should be in touch with each other as too many issues different than that in the western world exist and has to be fought and can be fought only when united.

Offline mewithu

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Re: What now???
« Reply #34 on: September 14, 2009, 09:45:51 AM »
 Sorry for all your troubles, I have been through much more than you and I am still on this planet. It is rough some times but places like this to relieve your tensions is the best thing you can do at this point and a lot of people on here are very knologable about your situation please ask specific questions so they can be answered one by one you get more out of it that way. Love to all
1997 is when I found out, being deathly ill. I had to go to the hospital due to extreme headache and fever. I fell coma like,  two months later weighing 95 pounds and in extreme pain and awoke to knowledge of Pancreatis, Cryptococcal Meningitis, Thrush,Severe Diarea,  Wasting, PCP pneumonia. No eating, only through tpn. Very sick, I was lucky I had good insurance with the company I worked for. I was in the hospital for three months that time. 
(2010 Now doing OK cd4=210  VL= < 75)
I have become resistant to many nukes and non nukes, Now on Reyataz, , Combivir. Working well for me not too many side effects.  I have the wasting syndrome, Fatigue  . Hard to deal with but believe it or not I have been through worse. Three Pulmonary Embolism's in my life. 2012 520 t's <20 V load

 


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