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Author Topic: checked out the how to kill yourself web site  (Read 11866 times)

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Offline Peter6836

  • Member
  • Posts: 391
  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« on: July 17, 2008, 09:24:35 PM »
Yeah I did this before I go online and check out ways to kill yourself. Sometimes things seem so heavy. Yeah I am seein a therapist. Yeah I am taking drugs. Too many for my liking. Yeah I am bipolar. Yeah I am losing my job. Yeah I have AIDS, or is it just HIV now. Yeah I am tired of fighting all of this and I am usually a positive person. I think anyway. I am just beside myself. I do not want to go to the hospital again. I have said before I would rather just die. I am fulled with problems and worry. I am filled with xanax, and buspere and prozac and rispurdal neuroten out of my ass. I am just overwhelmed. I am just venting. Or am I? I do not even know anymore.
Wow this souds so dramatic. Really I am just dealing with big choices and situations and it is hard and it plays with my mind. I do feel so stressed out, and sometimes I scare myself. I do just want to sleep for a few days and run away from all my problems. I am not sure what to do about that. Sleep or keep going. Perhaps I do need the break and sleep might be the best way to get it. Booze is not the answer I do not think. Anyone else ever feel this way and have these thoughts.
Peter

Offline lydgate

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  • Posts: 1,022
  • Virgin, can't drive
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2008, 09:44:58 PM »
Hey, vent some more. We're here to listen. Vent away.

Peter, seriously, many of us have felt this way. Many times, in fact. Can I just say, trite though it sounds: this too shall pass?

Like I said, if venting makes you feel better, by all means type up a storm. You know this already but there are suicide prevention hotlines you can call, always.

Jay
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline Peter6836

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  • Posts: 391
  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2008, 09:50:06 PM »
Thanks Jay, I keep venting I have typed pages and pages in my journal, I keep thinking no one really wants to listen to me anymore. I would like have someone to talk to that cares everyone in my life seems like everyone is really busy.
Peter

Offline lydgate

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  • Virgin, can't drive
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2008, 09:55:50 PM »
Nah, there's always someone to listen. Even when you feel like there isn't. Depression is so awful: it makes you believe the worst about yourself and even other people's capacity or ability to help. (I've had major depressive disorder for 25 years now.)

Booze is NOT the answer, Peter, with that mix of drugs, especially if you've taken a lot of Xanax. Not going to tell you what to do, but perhaps sleep will come naturally, through exhaustion, once this feeling of hopelessness passes (as I know it will). Stay up and type your journal entries, many many pages, if you like -- here. Could be cathartic, could be a way of sharing what you're going through with all of us. And there ARE people listening, people who care.

Jay
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,348
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2008, 10:18:02 PM »
Peter

Do you enjoy reading at all? I ask because I'd like to suggest a book I just got and have started " Radical Acceptance." If you're near a bookstore, take a peek. See if it's of interest to you. Nope, I'm not gonna tell you what it's about---it's a homework assignment.

Try getting some fresh air. Get some good, relaxing sleep. I agree with you, booze doesn't cut it as a problem solver.

Do you have one doc doing all of your prescribing? Any chance you've got too much drug cycling through you?

Oh yes, I forgot to add nutritious eating and enough water. It's amazing how poorly we function without enough water.

Best regards
Em

Offline Peter6836

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  • Posts: 391
  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2008, 10:40:50 PM »
thanks EM I will check it out the book that is. But I am having a real problem focusing on anything. That is one of the bad things. I hate not being able to read or to speak or to write. It is really important to me to be able to articulate and think and it is getting progressivly harder. It is too hot here to go out makes me sick I have tried that. I am trying to eat and i will keep hydrated.
I will let you know about the book.
Peter
I AM GOING TO TRY THE SLEEP FOR NOW

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,348
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2008, 11:06:12 PM »
Peter

Night night. (But, I see you are online!)

If you are in good contact with your doc, perhaps a chat with your pharmacist might shed some light on your drug regimen...just make sure they're all friends.

If you aren't getting good sleep that toys with everything. No wonder you're having difficulty focusing. And, when grappling with depression and feelings of isolation it worsens---or, seems to worsen. Your focus that you'd like to direct to music, reading, or other delights gets fixated on the overwhelm and the mind just loves to feast on such stew!

Have you ever tried meditation? If not, that is another effective and economical path to calm.

Em

Offline Peter6836

  • Member
  • Posts: 391
  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2008, 10:09:11 AM »
"Em thanks for the thoughts. I am trying to relax although I could only sleep about 5 hours last night. I was up walking the street in front of my house crying and am having bouts since. I am trying to stay positive. I called this morning for a disability retirement pack. I* do not know how that would work I have an appointment with a lawyer monday to talk about some options. I still keep thinking get that insulin, or just stop taking my meds. Hell my doctor says I am a quick progressor. It may not take long.

Offline nolife69

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  • Posts: 4
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2008, 03:48:16 PM »
yes, i am feeling the same way...in June i went on short term dis from work, they were going to put me on LTD for 2 yrs, they found me medically eligible but they are telling me i missed the benefits eligibility by 1 day...so now i have no income, as a result, i lost my home, my job, the christmas before my car was stolen and DCF keeps trying to take away my medicaid waiver bcuz soc sec dis denied my claim so now i have a lawyer that is telling me i have a 2 yr wait bcuz i am not a priority...i have been working since the age of 16 putting money into a fund so i can take the time i need to heal and the very government that set this up for us is letting us down...i too am full of truvada, reyataz, norvir, xanax, celexa, doxycycline, milk thistle, probiotics, multivitamins...i cringe evertime i put that handful of pills in my hand every am...i spend the 1st half of my day in the bathroom, the 2nd half sleeping...i am 40 yrs old and had to move back in with my parents. i just want to curl into a ball and sleep and never wake up...i know how u feel!!!!!!!! i am so tired of trying to convince people that i can no longer work, all the professionals just tell me to suck it up and deal with it, get a positive attitude, maybe this is all in your head...i am so tired it, oh yeah, the best one is "stop trying to take the easy way out!" thats my fave one, how is going through all this fucking paperwork by myself "the easy way out!" I just wanna die.

Offline Graywolf

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  • Posts: 47
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2008, 01:31:31 PM »
I'm feeling this more and more as I am so tired of fighting the system and just got a diagnosis back on my neuro-muscular spinal condition....nothing they can do. I'm terrified of losing my apartment, winding up on the street crippled, LTS insurance is always hounding me and will probably be dropped in January due to hitting 3 year mark when they determination is if you can wipe your own ass you can work full time.
I don't tolerate any of the HIV meds, all psych meds, etc. Feel cursed and damned by god

I looked up easy and painless ways to kill myself on google and came up with a forum for mostly 12-20 year olds who all wanted to die to attempted suicide over....breakup of a favorite band, end of a TV series, parents not allowing them to get a boob job, wanting a bigger penis, not getting the x-box, etc. I wish my problems were as small as theirs.

When  we had support groups a guy hobbled in one night with full leg braces, brace crutches and arm braces and told his story when he got sick form aids, all his friends left, family rejected him and he was homeless so took a bottle of pill ls, drank a quart of booze and took a swan dive out of a 10th floor window,

He woke up 6 months later missing a lung, kidney, pancreas, most of his intestines and part of his liver, plus broke about 75% of the bones in his body. His advice don't try to kill yourself god will punish you for it, 100 times worse than before.
"If we don't learn to live as brothers, we will perish as fools" - Dr martin Luther King Jr

Offline maddalfred

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  • Posts: 128
  • Self Portrait
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2008, 07:15:28 AM »
Peter,

Please never think no one is "listening" or cares about you. Just since I have joined this site I have been spending a lot of time reading here and trying to catch up about the other members who post. I think we all have felt some of the same things you write about, I know I have at times and have been hospitalized for it in the past.

I have never met you but I DO care and would hate for you to do anything rash in spite of the struggles. Please continue writing, it seems sometimes when you have no one to talk to in real life to be a lifesaver in itself.

x

Rex
<img src=http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj56/maddalfred1959/Me.jpg>

Offline BUZZCUTT

  • Member
  • Posts: 120
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2008, 12:34:19 PM »
I have tried twice to kill myself by swallowing a bunch of pills - ended up with getting my stomach pumped and the whole nine yards and being baker acted which is no ball park - my mother committed suicide when I was 6 she was 23 - I will never forget it - I know how you feel - i have been down that road many times - now i think if i die who is going to take care of my beloved animals and there is my partner that i would not want to hurt - i know sometimes it gets dark and you feel that there is no where to go - but this too shall pass - everynow and then i still want to call it quits - stop taking my meds and get sick and die or accidentally overdose on my sleeping pills and tranquilizers - but then i think i will not be hurting just myself but everyone around me as well - take care of yourself
Buzz ♥

Offline BT65

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  • Member
  • Posts: 9,947
Re: checked out the how to kill yourself web site
« Reply #12 on: November 29, 2008, 06:36:05 PM »
Peter posted this back in July and has since started a new thread about feeling better.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

 


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