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Author Topic: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive  (Read 10340 times)

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Offline atlgal2

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My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« on: July 09, 2008, 09:54:55 PM »
Good Evening Ladies
I'm new around here.  Hope I've come to the right place to bitch.   I've been pos for about 2 years and my life sucks.  I feel very alone.  I have not told anyone about having hiv.  I've even gotten in to a fight with all of my family and don't talk to any of them so they will never have to know about this.  I'm not sure why I feel so ashamed. 

I'm so afraid that I'm going to be alone forever.  My life feels so empty.  I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me that this is just a phase and I'll snap out shortly.  I haven't always felt this way.  I think that I'm just now starting to accept the fact that I'm never going to get better.  And that really is not a pretty picture. 

Overall, I'm pretty healthy.  I've got a good job, insurance and a house but that's stuff just doesn't fill this awful void that I'm feeling.

Has anyone else gone through this and will these feelings ever stop?


Offline vivyt

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2008, 10:15:09 PM »
Hello atlgal! I was diagnosed 1 yr ago and all I can say is that it is hard. Luckily I already had a therapist so that really helped. My family also became educated and are VERY supportive and have excepted everything better than I have. My friends and coworkers still do not know. I also when to a couple of group meetings for women w/HIV. Those helped me very little since my circumstances were so different. This sight has been a blessing for me. The women here listen without judgement and they understand what I am going through. Have you thought about talking to anyone? I can say that it has gotten better although I am not quite the same but I think that too will take more time. Hang in there!  :) Oh, and come on over to the dating thread and don't let the name fool you...LOL!

Offline BT65

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2008, 06:58:07 AM »
Hello atlgal2,

Welcome to the forums. 

I've been diagnosed for 19 years.  The first few years after being diagnosed I was still healthy, able to work and got married (for the 2nd time, my 1st husband died 3 days after I got my diagnosis).  Things were different then, though.  Talk about feeling alone!  I only knew two other women then who were also HIV+, both of whom have died.  And boy, do I miss them.  This site is a godsend.

My family has known since the get-go.  I was diagnosed in a treatment center and I phoned my mum immediately and told her.  She got herself educated, and the rest of my immediate family followed.  They have been extremely supportive, and for that, I feel very fortunate.  Sometimes families don't find out until something drastic happens to the person who's HIV+, and that often leaves them feeling angry and confused.  I'm sorry things aren't going well with your family, and I hope you can eventually get these difficulties resolved. 

Not telling "anyone" about you having HIV is a very lonely place.  I'm wondering why you've told no one?  Do you have any close friends?  I would encourage you to seek some professional counseling.  Now, don't get up in arms; I've had the same therapist since 1991, and he's been invaluable.  A professional therapist can help you sort through feelings you have regarding having HIV (and the difficulties with your family), and maybe find some kind of resolution to your feelings.  I also encourage you to get ahold of your local ASO (Aids Service Organization) and talk to the fine people there.  They might be able to hook you up with a support group exclusively for people with HIV.  This would give you an offshoot for your feelings, and also put you in touch with other HIV+ people in your area.

About this being a "phase" and snapping out of it, well, it won't change unless you put forth some effort into changing it.  I've found over the years that my problems won't magically go away on their own; I have to find workable solutions.  I'm thinking if you had someone you could confide in, a lot of your "feeling alone" would resolve.  But like I said, you have to make the effort. 

As Viv said, please join us in the dating thread; it's not all about dating.  It's about us ladies' day-to-day lives, troubles we have, good things that happen to us, and it's full of support.  I think it would help you some.  Good luck.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline atlgal2

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2008, 07:21:54 PM »
Thanks to both of you Viv and Betty. 
Betty, I think you hit the nail on the head.  I have to put forth the effort to get out of this slump that I'm in.  I actually did tell a good friend the same day I was diagnosed and never heard from her again.  That's why I've not told anyone else.  I'm so afraid of loosing the few other friends that I have.  I'm so afraid to call the local support groups and ask for help.  I know this sounds messed up, but I don't want to be judged.  Stupid I know.  I'm really afraid.  You know, I actually looked up the number for the ASO here in Atlanta, but I can't bring myself to call.  Again.... Stupid!
I know I'm not being realistic..... it's very easy for me to say that on paper, but in my head.... totally different.  2 years in denial is long enough.  I guess it's denial.... I really want to believe that I'm going to get a call one day from my doc telling me I'm all better.  No kidding.

Offline BT65

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2008, 08:20:42 PM »
Atlgal2, 

Yes, wouldn't a call from the doctor telling us we're cured be nice?  That's not the reality, though.  I strongly encourage you to call the ASO.  They have very nonjudgemental people in those places.  You'll feel much better after you do.  I'm sorry your friend stopped contact; sometimes it takes people awhile to adjust.  But, don't disregard all other situations because of one bad one.  Good luck and keep in touch.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Victory101

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2008, 04:44:23 AM »
Atgal2

I agree with the other girls that you need to find someone to talk to and you have come to the right place as you will find you are not alone.

I have been diagnosed 8 years, didn't tell my family until after about 2 years. They've been very supportive. I have some good friends who know and attend a support group regularly. It may seem hard for you to believe but there will come a time when HIV isn't the focus of your life.

When you are feeling down, remember to count your blessings ie pretty good health, car, house, insurance as even though they seem just like things to you, there are people out there who would like to be where you are.

All the best and God bless

Victory

Offline 27years

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2008, 11:17:14 AM »
It takes different times for people to adjust to the diagnostic, two years might seem like a long time to you but give yourself time.  I suggest you get comfortable with your status before telling other people.  Focus on what you can achieve out of it and don't dwell on regrets or what other people might think about you, Hiv should not make you a lesser person than who you used to be.  Get the courage and pick up the phone and talk to a professional, they do help with some of the denial issues, and just having someone to talk to sometimes makes it a lot easier, some organisations you don't even have to even say your name. 

Try and get your family educated first, like getting them involved in local events then at least you can judge their ability to deal with your diagnostic.  It might be a scary experience disclosing to them but once its done its out of your way but don't guarantee that everyone will react the same.   Don't feel pressured to tell them until you feel comfortable to disclose.  Count yourself luck for all your achievements, other people, have not got the opportunity to go that far.  hope you will get over this soon. 
Nobody dies a virgin life screws us all up

Offline whirl400

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2008, 01:42:27 PM »
I wanted to take a minute to let you know that know exactly how you feel.  I too feel so alone at times and also have the fantacy that one day my doctor will call and say it was all a mistake.
I was diagnosed in Feb. 2008.  I had been sick with what I thought was bronchitis for two months.  I just couldnt seem to shake it.  After several visits to the doctor and a couple of ER visits produced no results for me my doctor put me into the hospital.  It was PCP and it kept me in the hospital for the whole month of February.
I was devistated when I found out.  My family and friends have been so supportive and yet I still feel so guilty and so alone.  Still I try my best to be positive...I know that Im lucky to be here and that there is still a purpose for my life and so every day I trudge along.
I am in therapy and seeing a ID doctor regularly.  It is helping and Im learning to accept this disease and the changes that it has brought to my life.  I just try to remember my month in the hospital and that things could be much worse.
Good luck

Offline BT65

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2008, 01:57:20 PM »
Whirl400,

Welcome to the women's family, er, forum.  I'm glad you chimed in.

The journey of acceptance is different for each of us.  It sounds like you have a good start.  Supporting families can make a lot of difference.  I'm going to meet my sister tomorrow for lunch and I'm really looking forward to it.  I lost both my parents between Aug. of last year and March of this year, so other familial relations are very important to me-more than ever.

I was diagnosed in a treatment center in 1989.  I was diagnosed with (what they used to call) "full-blown AIDS" in 1994 due to wasting/low CD4 count (now it's just called "AIDS" instead of having the "full-blown" in the front, I believe).  It does get better with time, as long as one's open to acceptance.

Please join us in the dating thread.  It's not all about dating-it's where we ladies share our day-to-day lives, our struggles, triumphs, and support each other.  We'd love to have you!
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

tendai

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2008, 05:15:30 AM »
Hi Atlgal
I was diagnosed 3 years ago, i havent told anyone in my family as such.  i just make jokes about it sometimes and they dont take me seriously i think.  I owe a lot to these forums as they are my no. 1 source of support.  Knowing that im not alone with this virus and there are people who have survived this disease for so long and are living more-or-less normal lives, having babies and such, it just made me realise i dont have to stop living because of this virus.  i can live with it as long as i take care of myself. I hope you've found the support and love u need. :-* plus a big HUG

Offline 100proofBrandy

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2008, 02:54:31 PM »
hello atlgal
I know how you feel... I myself went into a strange kind of denial at first I partyed hard 6 years of ignoring my doctors not taking my meds right. I was basicly killing myself I think in a way I was trying to die of anything but this disease. . . I finally woke up and got my stuff together by then I had lost alot. . . 3 years ago I started flirting with this guy at work ( my family and some really close friends back in cali knew about me) I wasnt really open per say. but I was only flirting in my mind he wasnt ever really going to do anything about. then the feelings started and he was starting to return the firting and bringing my roses:) then one night he asked me out : uh oh I told him we had to talk before I could go out with him :( I knew when I finally talked to him he was going to run. ever time I tryed to tell him I would just clam up geeeeeezzzzz it wasnt this hard to tell my family and friends. . . the fate stepped in and I got really sick ( that is a whole another story) I ended up in the hospital. according to my sisters and the doctors I almost died when I got out of the hospital he wanted to know where I had been. . . I finally sucked it up and told him I had been giving him hints all along. but to say out loud was different I walked away I told him I would give him time... a few hours late I got a call . . . man I know it was him. .  I felt like I was in high school again :) he said so when are we going out ( shock) we went out that friday it was a real dream date ( that another story tooo) Sept 8 we will have been together for 2 years . . .my point Atlgal is that there is always hope! dont look to far into the future plan for it and all but live in the moment :) I hope my story give you some hope My thoughts are with you :) love Brandy
The person you educate today maybe the one you save tomorrow :)

Offline kountrygurl

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2008, 08:15:27 PM »
Hi, atlgal, I'm new to this blogging thing myself, but I signed up to the forums just so I could respond and relate to you. I was diagnosed in 2005. The only ones I told were my dad, brothers, and the person I was in a semi relationship with. I thought I would never hear from him again. But he did call and I moved to Florida to be with him. We had been together for a couple of years and only recently broke up, although it had nothing to do with my status. It's easy for me and maybe others to blame their status for things, like mood swings and emotions. But as much as I would like to think it is my meds doing that to me, I have to admit that I say stupid things or act stupidly all on my own. So, it may not be much of a consolation, but here is my revelation to you. Hiv aside, we, as women, are going to experience all the usual ups and downs, bad or good relationships, lonliness or happinesses that hiv- women do. We just have one more thing added to our pot. But remember; God gave us burdens, but also shoulders. Hand in there. :)

Offline Winiroo

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2008, 08:32:42 PM »
I've been positive 16 years. I didn't tell anyone about my status for a year. Then my brother found out and told everyone for me. LOL it turned out to be a good thing.
Living that year in secret was terribly lonely and frightening. My family needed time to learn more about HIV and get over their fears that I was going to kick the bucket at any time. But now they are terrific.
I feel like any friend who runs away because of your status was not a true friend to begin with. A real friend would have supported you and learned more about HIV.

I lived for years not knowing any pos women. Just gay men.
The ASO is a good place to go for referrals to social or support groups. They might even have something just for ladies. I haven't had any problems with ASO groups since the early 90's. There are tons of women now. So you'll fit right in. Don't worry. No one ever looks at me funny. If they are looking its because they like what they are looking at. LMAO

The dating thread Betty mentioned is located at this link currently.
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=22087.msg281868#msg281868
Its where us ladies just chit chat about every day stuff. Whats on our minds, whats going on in our lives, stuff like that. Feel free to jump in any time you want. We look forward to getting to know you.

Offline Karmoni

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #13 on: August 25, 2008, 06:06:27 PM »
Good Evening Ladies
I'm new around here.  Hope I've come to the right place to bitch.   I've been pos for about 2 years and my life sucks.  I feel very alone.  I have not told anyone about having hiv.  I've even gotten in to a fight with all of my family and don't talk to any of them so they will never have to know about this.  I'm not sure why I feel so ashamed. 

I'm so afraid that I'm going to be alone forever.  My life feels so empty.  I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me that this is just a phase and I'll snap out shortly.  I haven't always felt this way.  I think that I'm just now starting to accept the fact that I'm never going to get better.  And that really is not a pretty picture. 

Overall, I'm pretty healthy.  I've got a good job, insurance and a house but that's stuff just doesn't fill this awful void that I'm feeling.

Has anyone else gone through this and will these feelings ever stop?




Hello,

Just wanted to say that I know how you're feeling. August 10th made it 3 years since my diagnosis and I felt the same way you're feeling now, and in all honesty I still feel the same. This is the first time I post on the forums. I've lived these past 3 years hiding, the only ones that know my status are my parents and my sister.  My physical appearance has completely changed so thats another reason why I try not to go out much. I am not angry at the person that infected me, which is weird, but a blessing did come out of it. My 2 year old daughter.

Will these feelings ever go away?  I honestly don't know. I hope they do though.
~ Ignorance is lack of knowledge. Stupidity is having the knowledge and not using it. Of these two, ignorance is forgivable. ~

Offline BT65

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #14 on: August 25, 2008, 08:13:14 PM »
Karmoni, welcome to the forums, in particular our little women's "family."

The feelings will go away.  I just read in another thread that your viral load is undetectable and your CD4s above 1000.  That's terrific.  That means you're very healthy. 

Congratulations on your little girl.  She should keep you busy.  Please believe me, things do get better.  Just keep talking.  We're here.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Winiroo

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #15 on: August 25, 2008, 08:27:55 PM »
I found it got easier for me when I started socialising with other HIV postive people.


Offline riverlassie

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #16 on: September 06, 2008, 12:40:56 PM »
-Everything takes time. And even with this diagnosis we all have plenty of time. And the time is spent partially with going through 4 stages.                                                                                        1st. stage is the shock and disbelief, and thinking that life is over.
                                                                                                                                           2nd stage is finally realizing that one isn't going to just die overnight and that there is actually so much to learn to the point where we even re-overwhelm oursleves.
                                                                                                                                           3rd stage is realizing that life is a gift to hold and to share with others that are struggling coming to terms. It's actually when your life begins. I always compare it to the greens looking greener, yellows brighter and reds bolder. I start to see it as a very strange blessing wrapped in what looks like ugly paper. But the closer you look at the paper a beautiful picture emerges. Sounds crazy I know but its tue , if you haven't seen it yet , you will.
and the                                                                                                                                   4th  stage, the last stage    is the looking at death. I know to most this is morbid . But its all a part of life where pos or not. And when you see many friends and aquaintences pass on you study it more . And when you witness a friend embrace his/her death you see the power it gives them to their life even at the time of death . It's powerfully amazing.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.

Offline impossibleisnothing

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #17 on: September 06, 2008, 08:04:56 PM »
I just wanted to chime in with a 'me too!'.  I was diagnosed in Feb 2007, and I really feel like I need to hang out with other positive people.  My family doesn't know, my friends do, and they are great, but there is something about being with people who KNOW what you are going through that just can't be substituted by anything else.

I don't have the answer, because I'm still trying to find it myself.  Please get a therapist, tho.  Mine is a life-saver--I don't know how I would have dealt with all of this without her help. 

Hang in there!

J

Offline netta

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #18 on: September 07, 2008, 07:51:16 PM »
Hey sister, Join the gang We are here to support each other and not concentrate on the negative,what we all know but to laugh and live! I, promised you you will not be alone, unless you want to be. I am a long term survivor and have lead a healthy long life, and find being hiv, never stopped me from having a man in my life. These days you have to treat everyone as if they are hiv, by using protection, untill you know there status.And you don't have to tell anyone till you get ready, unless you are going to be intimate with them.
"to thine own self be true"

bleueyes

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Re: My life really sucks after 2 years of being positive
« Reply #19 on: September 25, 2008, 04:17:31 AM »
I don't think you aren't going through what other women have gone through.  It is just that some people go through it as long as they need to.  When I confronted the man who infected me, he beat me up with a shoe and his fists.  I was in love and so blind.
I am not on here too often, but that is because I usually feel I have nothing interesting to say.  Every problem in my life is something I should be able to solve.  Maybe?
I can only say give it all some time and a chance.  Things will start to come clear to you.  We are not sick all the time.  Even healthy people I know just manage from day to day. 
Our disease is managable.  Do not let people scare you, you're the one who will sit in there with your doctor! 

 


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