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Author Topic: I'd like to learn how to cry  (Read 8141 times)

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Offline shadowfluid

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  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
I'd like to learn how to cry
« on: June 07, 2008, 09:44:05 PM »
There always seems to be a disconnect when I feel like crying. Something in my brain happens where I'm about to start crying and it just stops it from progressing.  I've always been like this.  Should I just rent Bambi and keep practicing?
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2008, 10:27:58 PM »
You know...for much of my life I had the same sort of deal with laughter.  I couldn't really laugh.  A quiet chuckle or a snicker maybe - but not a full out laugh.  I was aware of it for some time, and tried and tried to just let go and let it out.  It wouldn't happen.  It sounded forced, fake.  It was a good many years later when I had an awakening to what that really was.  I wasn't able to laugh full out because part of me had convinced myself long ago that I didn't deserve to.  This might sound silly to some people, pathetic or whatever - I don't care.  That's what it was.  And it wasn't until I came to that realization and taught myself that I did have just as much right to the emotion as anyone else had that the barrier broke down and the true laughter flowed.

I don't know if that will mean anything to you or anyone else, if it will help or not.  But there you have it anyway.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline xyahka

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2008, 10:45:20 PM »
Well... in a way it is the opposite to me, i am the sort of guy who feels like crying often... if i see someone poor on the street begging for money... i feel like crying... if i see a touching movie... feel like crying.... if i see an animal hurt... feel like crying.... sometimes i feel like if i go through life with my heart in my hand openned to be hurt by anyone.

I decided i can't control everything in my life... so i just let them flow... if i want to cry... i cry, if i don't want or can't... i let it be. I believe life teaches us and model us... i think you shouldn't stress much for not being able to cry... one day it will happen.

On the other site, tears itself are not real sign of grief... i know lot of people who cry often but feel nothing when doing it. So i would feel happy for being able to experiment feelings internally... despite their external signs are there or not.

hugs,

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline Central79

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2008, 06:51:16 AM »
Hey

Yes I have the same problem. I'm much better at dealing with other people's tears on a professional level, but crap when people I care about in my personal life cry - it makes me seriously uncomfortable. I find it extremely hard to cry even when I'm alone in a room, let alone when there is somebody else there. Like you, I feel like I want to cry but stop myself.

I find talking therapy (analysis in my case) is helping. I'm nowhere near as open to my own emotions as I'd like to be yet, but it's helping me identify the thoughts that come in and stop my from "letting go": a feeling of disgust at myself for being weak and self-pitying or that my feelings have been manipulated by the other person in the room if there is one. Shame and embarrassment too.

I think you used the word "disconnect" and I think that's very true - if you feel an emotion and cannot express or feel it fully it then I think there is something quite dangerous going on that has definitely led me into patterns of behaviour where I've ignored my feelings and been quite self-destructive. I try to think that when I cry, I'm acknowledging that something is important to me: my health, my studies, my family or my work. Acknowledging it helps me protect it.

Matt.
Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832

Offline Buckmark

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2008, 11:35:39 AM »
I could suggest watching "Old Yeller" as well, but it probably goes a bit deeper.   I think Matt has stated something very important:  if you feel an emotion, you should generally express that emotion in an appropriate way.  Otherwise, it can build up, and eventually, one way or another, it will be expressed in other ways you may not prefer (e.g. destructive behavior).    Hard for me to say what is going on in your case:  the reason for you may be societal ("big boys don't cry"), personal ("If I cry, I am weak"), something else along those lines, or something entirely different.    A therapist could really help you with something like this, if you feel so inclined.

I don't generally have problems crying.  I probably do so too often.  But that still doesn't mean I express what I am thinking or feeling appropriately, so I think for me it too often gets expressed through tears.  Again, that's just me.

Regards,

Henry


"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline darwin

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2008, 11:39:12 PM »
It took me a few years of therapy, and some time in the Mankind Project (which is kinda new agey, but not too much and is pretty effective), but now I am able to cry.

Most of the time, I cry when I realize how pure and perfect something is - like a son forgiving a father, or a mother fighting to save her child... just pure, beautiful, raw humanity.  Especially around themes of forgiving someone, or  appreciating what is right under your nose, or finding freedom from something that was holding you down.

When Nemo realizes that his dad, who wasn't brave and would never come and save him, actually took on three sharks to rescue him, I WAIL.  When I see someone realize how special they really are, especially if they didn't think so at all, I always cry. 

I didn't cry for years, not until I was 25 or so. Now, at 29, I cry at most movies :)

Oh, and I was dumped a couple of months ago, and I swear I lost 5 pounds through tears alone.  Okay maybe this last one isn't great advice :P
October 2007 - Chose love/stupidity over protection
23 April - Diagnosed
30 April - CD4: 364/22.1% VL: 2,198
11 July - Started Viramune/Truvada
13 August - Undetectable

Offline YaKaMein

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2008, 10:55:23 PM »
For me thoughts of loss, past and present, always pierce my tear ducts and cause them to shed.

I hope you find an emotion, memory, smell or something that pierces for you and know the wonderful experience of a GOOD CRY!

Be careful what you wish for ... Yaka
09/11 Endocrine Consult
08/11 CD4 328 14.9% VL 0
 Disc'd Bactrim DEXA -3.1 Tscore
03/11 CD4 338 14.7% VL 0
11/10 CD4 300 14.3% VL 0 <20copies
07/10 CD4 336 14.0% VL 0 DEXA -2.7 Tscore
03/10 CD4 308 13.4% VL 0 Vit D normal
01/10 Began FOTO
11/09 CD4 274 13.7% VL 0 Chol 173 Trig 131
07/09 CD4 324 13.5% VL 0 DEXA -3.1 Tscore lumbar
03/09 CD4 207 10.9% VL 0
11/08 CD4 227 10.3% VL 0 Chol 176 Trig 156
04/08 CD4 228 9.5% VL 0
01/08 CD4 194 9.0% VL 0
09/07 CD4 176 8.3% VL 0
03/07 CD4 130 9.5% VL 0 Chol 261  Trig 227
12/06 CD4 109 6.4% VL 0
09/06 CD4  88 5.5% VL und desens'd rtd to Bactrim
08/06  Began Atripla
07/06 CD4  59 5.0% VL 145 Chol 117 Trig 104
06/06  Bactrim rash, X2 Dapsone
 EFV & Truvada Chol 128 Trig 131
05/06 CD4  6 (2.0%) VL 78667 only V179D mutation Dx PC MAC

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2008, 11:01:28 PM »
I always cry at the end of Gorillas in the Mist -- WITHOUT FAIL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy_7OeoZCQY
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Patrick

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2008, 03:21:02 AM »
There always seems to be a disconnect when I feel like crying. Something in my brain happens where I'm about to start crying and it just stops it from progressing.  I've always been like this.  Should I just rent Bambi and keep practicing?

Start chopping onions........ :P

or should I say  :'(

I've found it's a lot easier for me to cry since becoming poz.  I'm a lot more sensitive to things now, emotionally.  I actually think I tend to cry too easily/too much.  Maybe we could trade for awhile.
Seroconversion - late October 07
11/14/07 - CD4 190   VL >750,000
11/14/07 - Started Truvada & Kaletra
12/5/07 - CD4 851     VL 710
2/19/08 - CD4 604     VL Undetectable
5/8/08 -   CD4 829     VL Undetectable
8/12/08 - CD4 915     VL 80 (blip)
11/11/08 - CD4 967    VL Undetectable

Offline northernguy

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2008, 11:47:31 PM »
I always cry at the end of Gorillas in the Mist -- WITHOUT FAIL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy_7OeoZCQY


The same thing happens to me with Showgirls.

Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41

Offline pozattitude

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    • to find out more about me....
Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2008, 01:10:44 PM »
I find it hard to cry too, well until recently....the funny thing though is that I cry easy when something touches me, usually beautiful things...something like when I see humans behaving with kindness and compassion.
I didn't cry about my HIV, ever, nor do I think I ever will. 
I finally broke my "dry spell" during AIDS/LifeCycle... I expected to cry (hopped I would) but I didn't cry when I thought I would (for example the opening and closing ceremony).  I cried all day on day 3, just did...out of the blue... I cried when I learned the story of an 8 year old boy who was dying of AIDS 8 years ago and because of the services provided by the money raised during AIDS/LifeCycle he is now a healthy 16 year old.
The happy stories touch me and make me cry ( a good cry). 
The only time I cry out of sadness/anger is when I think/read about the early years of the epidemic and the horrors our "pioneers" went through with the fear and discrimination of the older days. 
On Day 6 of the ride we have a candle light memorial held on the beach in Ventura...I knew I was going to cry, and I did, but not because I was sad, it was because I was so touched by seeing over 3000 people united for this cause and the goodness and kindness of all those who were there..not just because they were poz, knew someone who was poz or who had passed from AIDS..many there did not know anyone personally affected by HIV until the did the ride...that really touch me.
I think the crying blockage had a lot to do with the fact that I still lived in shame of contracting HIV, not because of society, but because I knew better... Riding in AIDS/LifeCycle made me finally forgive myself and I can cry again...it feels good.

I hope you can find that which is causing you not to be able to cry.

RIch
POSITIVE PEDALERS... We are a group of people living with HIV/AIDS, eliminating stigma through our positive public example.

Offline Bucko

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2008, 04:27:17 PM »
I'm a weeper (if you took your Adderall you'd know that  :-* ), but that's mostly the depression, I think.

If Bambi doesn't do it, Dancer In The Dark will.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_6iW6Szi9A&amp;feature=related
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2008, 06:40:54 PM »
For some reason I read that as Dancer from the Dance and perked up.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Bucko

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    • The Spin Cycle
Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #13 on: June 19, 2008, 09:00:19 PM »
Even amongst all us old, buggy queens I doubt that book would be remembered by more than, say, ten members here, darling  ;D

Dancer In The Dark is extra-strength sob-inducement.

Brent
(Who at one point had autographed first editions of City Of Night and A Boy's Life)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #14 on: June 21, 2008, 01:03:13 AM »
Since I have started Celexa, I can't seem to cry.  I can't get to the release point very easliy (be it crying, cumming, bursting out laughing).  I have become quite boring but it is better then being suicidal

Offline weasel

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Re: I'd like to learn how to cry
« Reply #15 on: August 06, 2008, 08:15:48 PM »
Since I have started Celexa, I can't seem to cry.  I can't get to the release point very easliy (be it crying, cumming, bursting out laughing).  I have become quite boring but it is better then being suicidal


Yes pete Celexa does stop the good things in life !  :o

 I f  I stop taking Celexa for a while  I cry my eye balls out  :'(

 Oh and sex is gone   :'(
I am thinking of changing when I see my V.A. doctor !  :-\

I am at my wits end , Celexa is not stopping the feelings of dispair AT ALL !   >:(

                                                          I want feelings and to be happy !
                                                                                                           Karl
" Live and let Live "

 


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