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Author Topic: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.  (Read 6318 times)

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Offline MplsLady76

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  • Posts: 14
I need some advice or some ideas. I met this man at a local POZ location in my area. We hit off quite well and in fact if felt like we were made for each other. We could not get enough of each other. We decided to continue and make this relationship offical. Things were going well for about 4 months. Then he began to change. He became distant, quiet, and acted like I don't interest him anymore. Turns out he has been struggling with his sexualty. He has been burned baddly by women in his past, so he move to his other feelings and dated men. He always said "I wish I would have married you instead of my ex-wife" That hurts baddly. Both of know and understand we would make the perfect couple. He gives me signs, but tells me to my face that he only loves me as family. Currently I have been looking for someone new, but my feeling for him are very strong. It is hard to see him hanging out with his "friends" because most of them are my friends as well.

How does a woman move on from the Love of her Life.   HHHHEEELLLPPP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!
**We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Speak or act with a pure mind, and Happiness will follow you, as your shadow, unshakable.**

Online BT65

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Hey MplsLady,

I don't believe I've given you my welcome, so welcome to the forums. 

About moving on from the love of your life, well, I've done that a few times.  The only thing I've found that helps me is talking about it and time.  I know that the immediate hurt can sting badly.  And it seems like it will never get better.  But it will, trust me, it will.

You say you're "looking for someone new."  Well, let me tell you my experience on that also.  Anymore I have to completely heal from one relationship before I move on to a new one, or I carry all the baggage of the past relationship into a new one.  I'm not saying it's bad to want to be with a new guy; just try to get over your ex first. I know if I don't do this, I place unrealistic expectations on the new person, and I carry hurt and resentment that I reflect on the new person as well.  And I end up getting hurt again.

Again, welcome.  I hope to hear more from you.  Please join us in the dating thread.  It's not all about dating; it's where we ladies get together daily to discuss our lives, troubles, good things happening, and support each other.  We're really a good lot.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline WiltedRose

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Hello!  I'm new here but I wanted to address your question because I have just a little experience with that.

My very best friend and soul mate and fiance was the same way.  I didn't realize it until he died from AIDS in 1999.  I couldn't figure out why it was taking him so long to decide on us getting married.  Apparently he was fighting with the same demons as your friend.  His death was absolutely TRAMATIC for me.  In fact, when they buried him I wanted to jump in the ground with him!  He was my everything.  He's also who I got HIV from.  He did not share his struggle with me, he just strung me along.  That was a painful time.

So, I understand your pain, a little.  I have gone to counseling wondering, did he really love me if he likes men?  Does his love really "count"?  Well guess what?  My heart has no such questions.  My counselor tried to reassure me that he did love me and that it is possible to love a woman and a man.  This was of little comfort to me.  The heart wants what it wants and believes what it believes.

Here's the crux of the matter.  I'm married now, for two years, to a man who is HIV+ and aware of my previous heart ache.  He was loving and understanding about my friend.  Since I have moved on I've determined that I deserved better.  If I had had the knowledge that my friend was struggling with his sexuality and not sure that he wanted me, I would have moved on then.  I MAY have been just friends, but usually break all ties completely.  I'd say, be glad that you know and that you can find someone who will want a great gal like yourself, and who knows that a female is what he wants.  It will take time, but you can find someone else.  I will admit, I have not found anyone like my friend, I don't know if I ever will.  I do know that I'm blessed to have my husband (ultra male) who loves me and the other guys that I've dated who wanted me for my femaleness.

Let me say this as well.  It sounds like you maybe a lot like me.  You tend to like guys who understand you and have great conversation and insights.  They are usually fairly neat dressers and almost fanatical about hygiene.  This may not be your guy but it was mine.  My point is that I was a tomboy when I was younger and I had a brother that I played with and my dad raised me.  Not a whole lot of female influence to point me in the ways of feminine mystique.  As a result, I find that I am attracted to men who are really domestic, and sensitive and talkative, and they let you talk and value your opinion.  I'm not saying if a man knows how to cook he's gay.  I'm just saying pay attention to the characteristics that you are attracted to.  I've had to change my way of thinking about men and realize that you can get a lot of guys to listen, for a little while, if they don't cut you off, and they may even respect your opinion.  But as a rule, manly men don't talk a lot and don't get into the deep kinds of conversations that I would get into with my friend.  So, consider that as you are looking for your next Mr. Right. You may have to adjust your attraction gage.  Start paying attention to your friend and his friends that are bi or gay and notice the characteristics about him and them that are attractive to you.  I believe it may help to avoid that type of guy in the future.  You deserve to have someone love you for you, DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!!!  BE SINGLE, BUT DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT.  

Offline Winiroo

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,082
  • Positive since 1991
Count your lucky stars you didn't marry him and find out afterward.

It sucks beyond words to have to share your man with another man....

Offline Dragonette

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  • Posts: 1,190
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Hi there, I just wanted to say Welcome to MplsLady & WiltedRose

I have no advice about a broken heart. It's just painful. Crushingly so. I think the further the better when someone breaks our heart. Out of site out of mind, eventually.
Just like everything... day by day and all that.
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline Winiroo

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,082
  • Positive since 1991
Yep! I'd have to agree. It helped me tremendously not to try to maintain our friendship and just part ways.
Being around the last person that broke my heart was torture. Even though I loved him so much it made life less complicated not to have him around because with him there that was all I could think of.

Offline MplsLady76

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
First allow me to thank all of you for your insight. It is really nice to hear that I am not the only one. I am a tomboy and I will never change. I am a lady when I want to be, but I am just like "one of the guys" I have been around men all of my life. My mother worked all the time, so I spent most of my tiime with the boys. Played sports, got into trouble. Then after about 12 years old I became attracted to them.

I can understand where a lot of you are coming from. I agree that I do need to pay more attention to the pattern of men. I guess the hardest for me to learn is to trust them again. I was burned my ex-husband, and because of him i am POZ. This man was better than him, in every way. So it is a struggle.

When I make a friend, I make a friend for life. However I do agree that I need to distance myself from the pain.

Time will tell.

Thank you again.

If anyone has any other ideas, please let me know

Bless each and every one of you. :)
**We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Speak or act with a pure mind, and Happiness will follow you, as your shadow, unshakable.**

tendai

  • Guest
Hi Mpls

I broke up with a guy i really really liked.  I like to believe im over him but i find myself contacting him once in a while and then i see with some woman and i like to pretend its ok im not hurt but i am. Best thing to do is close that chapter and move on, find someone who's down for you and eventually the pain will go away..Its damn hard, but hey if he's incapable of appreciating you then u dont need him really..
For some reason i thought his being gay would make it less hurtful.  I mean it would hurt less than if he had left for another woman. or something like that...

BeTheLove

  • Guest
RE: How does a woman move on from the Love of her Life.   HHHHEEELLLPPP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!

It might sound trite, and I sincerly don't mean it to.  But the best way to move on is to decide that you DESERVE better!  I would highly recommend shouting at the top of your lungs "I deserve better" over and over and over again until you've really taken in that truth.  You'll feel a whole lot better and your psyche will start believing it to.  There's great power in "loudly announcing" that truth.  Also, the whole belief that there is ONE love of your life can be quite daunting.  I choose to believe there are many loves.  And when you decide you deserve better, you may decide as well that this wasn't the love of your life afterall.  How could it have been if you deserved better?  Am I right?

Much love and healing to you,
BTL


Offline Winiroo

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,082
  • Positive since 1991
I like that BeTheLove.

BeTheLove

  • Guest
Re: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.
« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2008, 08:22:59 PM »
Thanks Wendy

BeTheLove

  • Guest
Re: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.
« Reply #11 on: June 23, 2008, 08:42:17 PM »
And while your at it, I'd also suggest blowing your speakers out by turning this song up as loud as it goes--sing along at the top of your lungs.  It's quite a remedy for rejection, anger, frustration, and all the rest of it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnbc64XQ1DI


Release girl!  Release and let go...


Offline Winiroo

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,082
  • Positive since 1991

BeTheLove

  • Guest
Re: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.
« Reply #13 on: June 23, 2008, 08:54:02 PM »
This would also be a great follow up for after the Alanis song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coZI8oo2eVw&feature=related

BeTheLove

  • Guest
Re: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.
« Reply #14 on: June 23, 2008, 08:55:11 PM »
Good one Wendy!

BeTheLove

  • Guest
Re: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.
« Reply #15 on: June 23, 2008, 09:08:17 PM »
okay, I could get carried away with the "self-liberation" songs but this last one is a great personal anthem for me too.

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=21285.new#new

BeTheLove

  • Guest
Re: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.
« Reply #16 on: June 23, 2008, 09:11:16 PM »
ooopps!  Obviously I had too many wondows open.  here's the link I was referring to

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KJNbP6qD1U

Offline Winiroo

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,082
  • Positive since 1991
Re: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.
« Reply #17 on: June 24, 2008, 03:04:07 PM »
okay, I could get carried away with the "self-liberation" songs but this last one is a great personal anthem for me too.

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=21285.new#new

Ha ha classic Wendy move!

Offline MplsLady76

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: How to get over the Love of your Life when he chooses men over you.
« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2008, 05:30:40 PM »
I want to thank all of you for your advice. I did listen to all the You tube songs. I did sing, but instead I played my guitar like my life depended on it.

I have met some new men and there is one I am very attracted to. He is also POZ, which makes things a little easier.

As far as my love, we are both moving on, but remaing very good friends. We still hang out from time to time and it is getting easier. Plus I am focusing more on me and my needs.

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN.

 IF ANY ONE ELSE READS THIS WITH THIS SAME ISSUE, PLEASE CHECK OUT THE YOU TUBE SONGS. YOU WILL LOVE THEM.
**We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Speak or act with a pure mind, and Happiness will follow you, as your shadow, unshakable.**

 


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