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Author Topic: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.  (Read 9959 times)

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Offline PeteNYNJ

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  • When life gives you AIDS...make LemonAIDS!
    • Dance for Me, Puppets
Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« on: May 24, 2008, 11:20:03 PM »
Hi All.

If you read my past posts,  you will see I have a lot of issues with depression/anxiety.  Some of those have been suicidal thoughts.  Not so much an active pursuit, just thinking about it alot.  today I had a great day with my boyfriend and niece and the whole time I kept thinking "I am not as good as these people- I am damaged, disgusting, and won't ever be happy". 

I talked to my boyfriend last night about it and he was supportive and told me how special and awesome I am.   Why cant I see that?  Why do I constantly doubt myself?  I am on antidepressants, see a therapist, have a support system...yada yada yada.

Is this the best I will ever feel?  Am I just broken?

Thanks for letting me vent. 

At least there is a sex in the city marathon on...that make me think less :)

Offline chm02

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2008, 03:42:19 AM »
I know how it is when you are depressed and think you'll never be happy again.This too shall pass. and it will probably come back, only to go away again. It's something we live with.
I have had problems with suicidal thoughts also. I wish i could offer some awesome advice, but I can't. Just to hang in there, and know that things will eventually get better. And try to not compare yourself to others. Your path is unique to you, and though it may be difficult, it can still be beautiful.

Offline xyahka

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2008, 04:41:54 AM »
Hi my friend, well... i know how it feels cause i past through a long and severe depression some months ago. With lot of help i could get over it... but at the same time i understand now that an important part of solving the situation depends on us.

These are some suggestions... i hope they help

I think depression becomes stronger when it makes you see the things you do wrong, and it makes you stay focused on that... so you feel useless... what about starting doing the things you know you do well?. Could be cooking, painting, running, teaching, anything... we all have something we do well... that sort of occupational therapy helps us to realise we are not full of bad things, we are balanced people... do some things wrong but some things right.

I think talking to people freely about my feelings helped me a lot... nothing worst than keeping a big trouble hidden... something i discovered while talking to people was that they could see so many good things in me i was not aware, but their words helped me to realise that... hey... i am good in this or that thing!!.

And at the end... in order to fight depression... i personally thing we have to get to a point where ... we accept ourselves... with the bad and good things, one way to avoid feeling silly and useless... is to avoid judging us.... and accept we are simply humans, and start making the changes we have to in life in order to feel better. In my case... i changed job... and that helped me a lot, i moved from a job i wasn't performing well... to another i am not expert but i am performing better. I am lucky in having a great boss who is very supportive but at the same time, i have found some other activities that help me to be busy and pursuing my dreams... not letting me time to get depressed again.

Don't let depression catch you... move on. Once you start moving... depression won't be able to follow your speed.

Big hugs,

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline Peter6836

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2008, 09:50:33 AM »
Pete,
I know how you feel. Just yesterday I was having dinner with my friend and was vocalizing how messed up I really am. I am on enough psychotrophic drugs to kill a horse. Yet I still do not feel good. I also see a thearapist yet there is this underlying feeling that something is not right. I have dealt with this disease, that is mental disease for so long you would think it would be old hat. Yet the same old feelings just keep coming around.
For me one of the worst things is that I see it in my children as well. I have four beautiful kids all over 25 that cannot have relationships. None of them seem to be able to keep it together. I see them struggle daily with depression, and a couple of them with mania. I wish that there were a cure to this whole thing.
Sometimes I just think that it is life, and a part of life. I do not know, I cannot come up with an answer. I just keep trying to do the best that I can. It just does not seem fair though. So many times I also just want to die, to end it all, the pain of the depression, the fog of the drugs, the urges of mania.
Your lucky you have a good relationship. I for one have not been able to develop or keep a relationship going. It always seems too much for anyone that I meet. Life becomes very lonley when you live in your head, and fight the thoughts of depression.
I for one try to just keep going. I relish the good times and try to let them nurture me. But I know the fear that one day I will not be able to fight off the deamons.
I am sure there is nothing here that helps but it is good for me to just get out the feelings as well.
Thanks for listening
Peter

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2008, 04:11:08 PM »
Thanks everyone for your thoughts....it seems I am in a good place now.  Maybe it is the nice weather or the fact that I am going on a little vacation next week.  The realization that I will always have these ups and downs is a really bummer. 

I discussed this with my therapist today and he said it seemed a pretty natural reaction to depression and to keep aware so I dont slip so far down again. 

So, here I sit at work doing something so boring that I really might kill myself :)   you have to joke or you wil cry.

Pete

Offline raroy273

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2008, 10:43:28 AM »
I know exatcly how you feel, about being damgaged good and broken.  I spent this last week with those thoughts and instead of talking to anyone about them I decided to use crystal.  Its the coping mechanism that I use, its not healthy and its not good, cause it just burrys the feelings for a season.  But, I do understand your feelings.  I feel that I am worthy to be loved, or to love, I am damged because of the HIV, no one wants me or who would?  I am on anti-depressants but dont see anyone (yet).  There are other underlying issues that I need to face that cause these issues, but just dont want to, would rather burry them and ignore them.  I know its not good, but why face things that may cause hurt? 
6/8/07 VL = 86,000 CD4 = 135
6/14/07 Started Combivir/Kaletra
6/29/07 VL = 364 CD4 = 351
8/30/07 VL =<50 CD4 = 156
9/19/07 VL=<50 CD4 = 361
12/3/07 VL = <50 CD4 = 250 14.3%
5/2/08 VL = <50 CD4 = 491 25%
8/4/08 VL = <50 CD4 = 292 21%
9/8/08 VL = <50 CD4= 331

Offline traveltramp

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2008, 04:25:52 PM »
You are not the only one that suffers, I know how you feel because I often feel the same way.  I have discovered though that life is balance and without the darkness you can not have the light.  Just think!  When you are past wanting to die, you will move to wanting to live!  What a wonderful feeling that will be.  It is like the weather... sometimes sun and warm and sometimes storms, but one thing is true is that NOTHING is permanent. 

Be kind to yourself... no one can love you like you can love yourself.... and no one can hate you like you can hate yourself.....

Do not worry, just let it pass... you can not control the rain.. no more than you can control the emotions... just observe them.. don't try to deny them, just let them pass... breath... it will be OK.. there is no other way... balance......

Best of luck to you.. best of luck to all of us...

you are PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE! 

TT
5/7 SEROCOVERSION
7/7 CD4 669
9/7 CD4 1079 V/L 1200
2/8 CD4 803   V/L 3050
4/8 CD4 805   V/L 2200
9/8 CD4 959   V/L 2418
1/9 CD4 909   V/L 550

Offline Peter Staley

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2008, 07:35:04 PM »
I know exatcly how you feel, about being damgaged good and broken.  I spent this last week with those thoughts and instead of talking to anyone about them I decided to use crystal.  Its the coping mechanism that I use, its not healthy and its not good, cause it just burrys the feelings for a season.  But, I do understand your feelings.  I feel that I am worthy to be loved, or to love, I am damged because of the HIV, no one wants me or who would?  I am on anti-depressants but dont see anyone (yet).  There are other underlying issues that I need to face that cause these issues, but just dont want to, would rather burry them and ignore them.  I know its not good, but why face things that may cause hurt? 

Ryan -- try to get some help for that pull to use crystal.  It will lead to even more depression, trust me -- I've been there.

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss this further.

Peter

Offline xyahka

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2008, 02:41:02 AM »
I know its not good, but why face things that may cause hurt? 

I have though like that... speacially during the times i was extremely depressed... but now that you ask.. i would say.... "we face things that may cause hurt" to be able to overcome them. It may not sound easy... and it is not. Although it is possible. Listen to what Peter said about Crystal, Ryan. You can do better without it. I am sure. I trust you.

Big hugs to Pete, Peter and Ryan

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline BT65

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2008, 07:10:42 AM »
I know its not good, but why face things that may cause hurt? 

Because if you don't face these things, they're going to kill you.  And I'm a firm believer in "don't let the bastards win."  Trust, I've been where you've been. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline redhotmuslbear

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #10 on: June 06, 2008, 10:04:24 AM »
There are other underlying issues that I need to face that cause these issues, but just dont want to, would rather burry them and ignore them.  I know its not good, but why face things that may cause hurt? 


News flash, kiddo:  pain is certain, suffering is optional.  Really!

I did the same mental number on myself for several years of adolescence and young adulthood.  First, I was heartbroken over a boyfriend of six years (ages 8-14) dumping me.  Then, I began lamenting having undergone 20 brain surgeries in four years.  Then, I swallowed society's crap about my being Queer and even considered that all of that "bad" stuff was a divine punishment.  I thought a lot about ending my own life, began using Ecstasy and cocaine, and subconsciously sought death through tolerating an abusive relationship.  Eventually, a friend reminded me that struggle, not an "easy llife," builds character--and in the long run, character matters more than you can imagine.

Hang in there and get some help to keep from using to dull the pain.

Namaste,
David
"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." - BF Skinner
12-31-09   222wks VL  2430 CD4 690 (37%)
09-30-09   208wks VL  2050  CD4 925 (42%)
06-25-08   143wks VL  1359  CD4 668 (32%)  CD8 885
02-11-08   123wks off meds:  VL 1364 CD4 892(40%/0.99 ratio)
10-19-07   112wks off meds:   VL 292  CD4 857(37%/0.85 ratio)

One copy of delta-32 for f*****d up CCR5 receptors, and an HLA B44+ allele for "CD8-mediated immunity"... beteer than winning Powerball, almost!

Offline darwin

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2008, 11:45:00 PM »
Whenever I get a suicidal thought - which is a few times per year - which I don't think is weird but common in most people - I ask myself, "What is it that I want to die?"  Usually, I don't want 100% of me to die, but a specific type of me.  An instance of me.  Like: "I want to kill this skinny loser who will never achieve his dreams". 

I then set about finding ways to kill that part of myself without destroying the entire package.  If I want to kill that unpopular loser version of me, I know for a fact I need to kill it by getting out more, volunteering more, and trying less to "popular" and trying more to be "just me". 

This works for me... AND I admit that in the throes of depression, this is extremely hard because my soul is so crushed at the time.  So a part of it is just waiting the pain out.  I hear that.
October 2007 - Chose love/stupidity over protection
23 April - Diagnosed
30 April - CD4: 364/22.1% VL: 2,198
11 July - Started Viramune/Truvada
13 August - Undetectable

Offline rbailey

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2008, 10:41:20 PM »
Hi there...I never thought about killing myself until after HIV, lost love and going through some personal hell.  Not surprising, hugh?  Well, the problem for me is drinking or using.  When I overdo it, I have an overwhelming sense of doom on the following day.  I stay sober mostly, but when things get rough, I turn to the bottle at times, and then the spiral. 

If you are having these thoughts without having had a downer, etc., maybe having your meds reevaluated.  Sometimes, just upping the does can put you over the hump.  See about your testosterone level too.  Doc's will sometimes attribute depression to life, stress, etc.  Well, w us, there is a more of that usually, so we have to train them to really see us. 

Hope that helped and smile..j

rog

Offline lukefr965

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2008, 03:58:46 PM »
hello, I also know how you feel. I have the same suicidal thoughts, because i am gay, poz, single and lonely. I discovered this site about one month ago and sent smiles to men some have answered me, some not; I wish there were some to have answered me. So i guess we need all in our community some help from each others. I expect gay men to contact me and get connected. I must say that for hte moment my only social life is with my job and my parents. i have no siblings and think that when my parents will pass away i will commit suicide as i don't see any other choice for me. Only the friends here could change that, and a lover of course.
Luc

Offline BT65

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2008, 08:41:54 AM »
Luc,

No, friends couldn't change your thought on suicide-only you can.  I suggest you getting help from a qualified mental health professional if you're that desparate.  Really.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Surviving

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #15 on: July 23, 2008, 07:27:05 PM »
i think the absolute real problem is that there is no pharmaceutical grade for xtc.  i truly believe that even a portion of an xtc pill on a daily basis would overcome our mental troubles.

i asked a doctor once if there was a pharmaceutical grade of xtc and he told me no because it burns out the neurons.   i yelled at him and said that is fucking ridiculous and you know it.   your just one of those righteous moralist manipulators.  that drug has an affect on the mind and should be a valid medicine.  who cares if you believe it burns up the neuron because i don't think it does and i don't think that this should matter for anyone who is suicidal.  then he jotted something down in his little black book.

i said, you know it is like the word "ain't" not being considered a word by the experts.   the entire english speaking world has used this word for many years and by that reason alone "it is a word" regardless of what the educated morons say.

he looked at his watch and told me the session was up and if i wanted to schedule an another appointment with him.  i said no, i'll just buy my drugs over the internet.   

in any case, does anyone know anything more about xtc?  is there are pharma. grade of the compound?  can we simulate those affects with herbs or herbal supplements or perhaps a combination of "legal" prescriptions?


Offline BT65

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #16 on: July 25, 2008, 09:28:42 PM »
i think the absolute real problem is that there is no pharmaceutical grade for xtc.  i truly believe that even a portion of an xtc pill on a daily basis would overcome our mental troubles.

i asked a doctor once if there was a pharmaceutical grade of xtc and he told me no because it burns out the neurons.   i yelled at him and said that is fucking ridiculous and you know it.   your just one of those righteous moralist manipulators.  that drug has an affect on the mind and should be a valid medicine.  who cares if you believe it burns up the neuron because i don't think it does and i don't think that this should matter for anyone who is suicidal.  then he jotted something down in his little black book.

I wouldn't want to try ecstasy in any form. I have a heart condition and any type of "speeder" makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack.

The doctor was right-ecstasy does burn out the neurons in the synpases in the brain (that lead directly to the pleasure center).  That is why, with regular and prolonged use, the majority of "upper" (cocaine, etc.) users don't feel pleasure.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Anna Karenina

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #17 on: July 26, 2008, 03:30:47 AM »
i think the absolute real problem is that there is no pharmaceutical grade for xtc.  i truly believe that even a portion of an xtc pill on a daily basis would overcome our mental troubles.

i asked a doctor once if there was a pharmaceutical grade of xtc and he told me no because it burns out the neurons.   i yelled at him and said that is fucking ridiculous and you know it.   your just one of those righteous moralist manipulators.  that drug has an affect on the mind and should be a valid medicine.  who cares if you believe it burns up the neuron because i don't think it does and i don't think that this should matter for anyone who is suicidal.  then he jotted something down in his little black book.

i said, you know it is like the word "ain't" not being considered a word by the experts.   the entire english speaking world has used this word for many years and by that reason alone "it is a word" regardless of what the educated morons say.

he looked at his watch and told me the session was up and if i wanted to schedule an another appointment with him.  i said no, i'll just buy my drugs over the internet.   

in any case, does anyone know anything more about xtc?  is there are pharma. grade of the compound?  can we simulate those affects with herbs or herbal supplements or perhaps a combination of "legal" prescriptions?



SURVIVING I don't have any moral agenda in saying what I'm about to say I have always been pretty open when it comes to drugs in fact I used E and coke for a couple of years recreationally on weekends and heaps of my friends still do (it's very popular with the 17-25 year olds here in Australia).  I've also smoked weed about once a week since I was 16 (stopped now because it started making me vomit, weird huh). 

Your doctor is not lying about the effects of the drug on your neruons.  E has a lot of biochemical effects but one of them is (regardless of the purity, purity just determines the magnitude of this effect) that it prevents the reuptake (enzymatic degradation and recycling) of serotonin when it is released into the gap between your neurons (in the synapse).  So you get an excess amount bombarding the receptors which has been shown to (over time) retard the shape of these receptors which means that they cannot recognise serotonin anymore and the serotonin cannot bind (receptor binding to ligands work on a 'lock and key' basis, it's all about the shape of the proteins).  This leads to tolerance (where it takes a lot more E to get the same effect) and eventually a situation where you have receptors that are incapable of recognising and binding to serotonin.  It's easy to see how this causes depression like symptoms.  Researchers are still not sure about how long-term these effects are, because neural plasticity (ability of neurons to regenerate themselves) is still a hotly contended topic (but we know neurons in the olfactory bulb do! yay).   

I understand your suspicion of this doctor - so many doctors do have a moral agenda and are really judgmental when it comes to drugs, but they are bad doctors!!  Doctors should care about their patients health, not push a moral agenda.  If yours is truly one of these, this might sound a bit ageist but try a younger one, they are usually more tolerant and less conservative in their attitudes towards drugs.  They will also tend to not lie to people about drugs to shock them or scare them, they tell the truth about the effects (which when it comes to amphetamines I think is scary enough!!). 

I've started to think that amphetamines are the worst drug class.  The effects (both long and short term) are terrifying.  I worked in a mental health unit for a while and over 90% of the patient's were there for amphetamine-related psychiatric illnesses.  Not to mention the cardiovascular problems that can arise.  Studies done with mice and monkeys where they administer amphetamines and see the effect on the brain are also very scary!!! 

This doctor is NOT exaggerating about the effects of E (even if he is a closed minded asshole lol).  Of course individual differences, as they do with every condition/health problem, always have a large part to play as well.  Some people can take E for years and be fine, others will have it once and hey presto - a drug-induced psychosis.  The same goes for other amphetamines like meth or speed.  It's a bloody crap shoot when it comes to amphetamines, hedge your bets and stay away from them if you can.

edit  - BUT lol, there is herbal ecstasy hey.  They sell it in Brisbane, Australia at this place called happy high herbs.  I've never had it myself but my boyfriend has it a lot and describes it as 'the best high he has ever had' lol.  It's 100% legal too.  No idea if this stuff is bad for you though???



good luck!
Anna
« Last Edit: July 26, 2008, 07:57:28 AM by Anna Karenina »

Offline Surviving

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2008, 05:28:26 PM »
you're feedback is appreciated and i "really" understand everything you and others have stated.  however, i too have pondered about this i have come to two conclusions that i beleive outweigh the moral agenda involved:

firstly, when persons are so far gone and have absolutely nothing to loose, then drugs like E should be considered as a drug of last resort.   not many people know or remember but E was actually a drug prescribed by the doctors many years ago and before it became a controlled substance.

secondly, E has the potential to blow neurons but only if it is taken as a full dose or taking multiple doses.   but the hyprocracy is that a full dose of E is not required to have a beneficial affect.   the fact is that mdma does have the potential to alter the mind even in smaller portions.  i know from personal experience that 1/4 pill can make a big difference in one's daily life.

the fact is the mdma is a unique chemical that has value in medicine http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methylenedioxymethamphetamine

i spoke to my shrink and told me that many of the prescribed drugs could induce the affects of E, that is if i were to take more than what was prescribed.   but warned me that if i used up my thirty day supply of meds in a few days, i would be unhappy until next month. 

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #19 on: September 02, 2008, 06:51:26 PM »
Back to Me :)

Well, here I sit again feeling like shit.  I am pretty much convinced I am bipolar.  The problem is, I can't seem to convince any doctor or psychiatrist.  My therapist feels I may be as well, but thinks I am "mildly manic".  I guess I don't have out of control manic episodes, but I do have very pronounced lows.  I am on antidepressants (third ones the charm) but it just seems to keep me in a blah mood.  Not kill myself bad, but not good. 

I am trying to take my therapist's advice and not focus on all the negative.  Trying because this weekend a lot of behaviours came back: social anxiety, "hiding" from people, constant negative thoughts, self hate, and finally thoughts about killing myself. 

I guess I had a trigger in the fact that my boyfriend is in the midst of dumping me. 

I don't tell anyone these thoughts (just you guys and my therapist).  My family's attitude is "get over it" and I am SO tired of talking about me with friends.

OK, thanks for making me vent. 

Offline BT65

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #20 on: September 03, 2008, 07:01:20 AM »
Pete, I don't know, nor do I think anyone else should try, figuring out whether or not you're truly bipolar or whether your sudden bout of depression is situational (your bf breaking up with you). 

If you aren't happy with the psychiatrist you're seeing, than get another one.  Can't hurt to keep trying.  But, after two or three psychiatrists' opinions, if none of them say you are bipolar, then I would believe them and stop obsessing over it.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #21 on: September 03, 2008, 05:23:13 PM »
Pete,

Setting aside whatever label applies to your condition (what's in a name?), what I see in your post is that you don't feel your doctor or psychiatrist is addressing your concerns.  I'd suggest you specifically tell them so at your next appointment, and if they don't take you seriously, find another medical professional.  I also think there is some credence to your current symptoms being situational.  I'm sorry to hear that your bf is breaking up for you.  It would certainly be a trigger for me (if I had a bf, that is).

If it helps any, I can totally relate when you describe social anxiety, hiding from people, negative thoughts, self-hate, killing yourself (oh, let me add irritability to that list).  I go through periods of this often myself, though I don't ever seem to have any manic phase to go with it.  Hopefully your therapist is helping you find concrete ways to focus on the positive, or divert your attention from the negative.  It helps to have a plan to deal with times like this.

Regards,

Henry


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Offline michaelman333

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2008, 12:37:45 PM »
Back to Me :)

Well, here I sit again feeling like shit.  I am pretty much convinced I am bipolar.  The problem is, I can't seem to convince any doctor or psychiatrist.  My therapist feels I may be as well, but thinks I am "mildly manic".  I guess I don't have out of control manic episodes, but I do have very pronounced lows.  I am on antidepressants (third ones the charm) but it just seems to keep me in a blah mood.  Not kill myself bad, but not good. 

I am trying to take my therapist's advice and not focus on all the negative.  Trying because this weekend a lot of behaviours came back: social anxiety, "hiding" from people, constant negative thoughts, self hate, and finally thoughts about killing myself. 


You know i am so familiar with this mode ... i feel like it was me writing this ... i usualy find something i have to focus on and my therapist stated the same thing ... i am "mild manic depressive" ... i remember thinking this doesnt feel mild ...

sorry to hear of the rough time lately ... i wish i lived near ya and we could hang out and be there ... i also know all about the hiding ... I know my bf has a hard time with me doing that ... i guess what i am trying to say is that I really understand and whatever i can do to help i am here :)

Much love and care : )
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Offline local

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Re: Killing Myself...those thoughts are back.
« Reply #23 on: September 12, 2008, 01:34:40 PM »
Think about about the people that love you, how crushed they will be.  Someone I love recently passed, its not a good feeling and it hurts so much.  You wouldnt wish someone to go through that at all no matter what. You are the greatest person ever to live, unique and there is no one who is like you and therefore you deserve to live.  You are wonderfully made.  A cure for hiv might be discovered anytime, and therefore its worth hanging in there. Look in the mirror, you are the man!

 


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