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Author Topic: My head is spinning  (Read 4605 times)

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Offline Poppa

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
My head is spinning
« on: May 07, 2008, 06:18:47 PM »
Went to the Dr. yesterday to get my results . After he told me I was positive I left my body in the chair for him to talk to.( didn't want to be rude) All I could think was " you just told me 3 mons. ago I was negative" Went back to work with this news in my head. Finished out the day and went home to take a xanax and go to bed. Had a couple of  glasses of wine too. Woke up in the middle of the night and it was still there. Not a dream. Stayed up until 2 am. Went back to bed after another xanax. Woke up @ 6:oo am and I was still positive. Not a dream. Put in a full day of work then came home and fell asleep. Woke up @ 5pm crying :'(. Called my ex to tell him and couldnt bring myself to do it. All he could say was " you sound like you have a cold" When I told him I did not he probably assumed I was still crying over him. I just said " I dont know why I called. I will let you go ". He is positive and it safe to assume I got it from him. The irony is that he broke up with me because one of the things he felt was wrong between us is that we didn't have anything in common. Tried to highlight the the good between us and bury the bad for almost 2 weeks after we parted. He didn't want to discuss it anymore. So I began my new life without him.  I thought. Now I will have something in common with him for the rest of of my life and he doesn't even know. My grief is twofold now. My head is spinning and I dont know what to do. There really isn't anyone I want to tell at this time. I still cant believe it. I need to go through this with my partner but he isn't there anymore. I really just want to die.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2008, 06:24:11 PM »
Poppa,

Welcome to the Forums. I'm sorry you've had to join us, but I'm glad you have all the same. :)

It's very common for people to not hear a word their doctor says after the words "you've tested positive" for HIV have been uttered. It's no wonder too that your head is spinning, given everything that's going on in your life.

There's not a lot I can tell you at the moment that will be of much use other than welcome (which I've already done) and to encourage you to post whenever you feel the need.

Regards,

MtD

Offline BT65

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Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2008, 06:37:35 PM »
Poppa, welcome to the forums.  You'll find a lot of information here and very supportive people.  I'm sorry you've ended up here, but glad you found us.  Hope to hear more from you.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Peter Staley

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  • Founder & Advisory Editor, AIDSmeds.com
    • AIDSmeds.com
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2008, 06:42:41 PM »
Poppa -- Matty said it well.  Thanks for your honesty, and thanks for posting here.  I'm glad you found us.  I founded this site about 8 years ago, and hope you find support here going forward.  I found out I was positive in 1985 -- 23 years ago!  I know it seems remarkably dark right now.  I wouldn't be here now if that darkness didn't pass with time.

Please keep posting.

Peter

Offline Poppa

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2008, 06:49:48 PM »
Hello Betty and Matt, Thank you for reading my post and for your greetings. I am sitting here trying to motivate myself to get up and get going. It isn't working. There is nothing in my head right now. Just lonliness and isolation. What am I going to do.

Offline Poppa

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Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2008, 06:52:41 PM »
Hello Peter. Thank you for your kind words.

Offline BT65

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Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2008, 07:04:12 PM »
Hello Betty and Matt, Thank you for reading my post and for your greetings. I am sitting here trying to motivate myself to get up and get going. It isn't working. There is nothing in my head right now. Just lonliness and isolation. What am I going to do.

Just be good to yourself.  Is there anything you absolutely have to get done?  If not, rest.  Things will wait.  I was told I was HIV+ in a treatment center in 1989.  I remember all too well just sitting and not being able to do much else.  It eventually passed. 

We're here for ya.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Assurbanipal

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  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2008, 09:51:45 PM »
Hello Poppa

Just wanted to add my greetings and good wishes.  There's a lot of us on here from all different walks of life, situations even continents.  But we've all been where you are at and hope we can help you if you want to talk things through.

Sincerely

Assurbanipal
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline darwin

  • Member
  • Posts: 69
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2008, 10:51:10 PM »
Heya Poppa,

Welcome to the forums!  Sounds like you have had a lot on your shoulders lately. 

Quote
I need to go through this with my partner but he isn't there anymore.

Your post really resonated with me - In April, my poz boyfriend left because he didn't think we had enough in common, yet I tried to keep him because I love him.  Then two weeks after he left, I found out I was poz too (that was exactly 2 weeks ago today).  I haven't told him because I am afraid if I tell him, I'd just use it as a guilt trip and I don't want to be like that.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing with the changes in your life.  I'd be very interested to hear more from you!

Good luck, Poppa!
October 2007 - Chose love/stupidity over protection
23 April - Diagnosed
30 April - CD4: 364/22.1% VL: 2,198
11 July - Started Viramune/Truvada
13 August - Undetectable

Offline danpoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2008, 09:53:27 AM »
Hey Poppa,

There isn't much I can add to what already has been said.  I found out almost two months ago and there are still times I sit and cry thinking about it, but I've realized lately that those times are getting farther and farther apart.  I hope you'll take the time to read the great information on this site and seek the support from the community here. I can't put into words how much just reading these forums has helped me; realizing I wasn't alone when I felt like my world was crashing down has made all the difference.

Prayers and hugs,
dan
12/1/07 HIV-
3/17/08 HIV+, CD4 384, VL 39966
4/4/08 Started Atripla
7/14/08  CD4 343, VL Undetectable :-)


Offline Veritee

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  • Posts: 180
    • Post Natal Illness Support
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2008, 02:29:21 PM »
Dear Poppa

I can not add anything I guess either except to say welcome - and if you are female try the Positive Women section I have found it really helpful.

I have only known I was positive since January and I was stunned too - I think we all are - I felt especially stunned as I have only had sex with one man , my husband, for over 25 years and had no reason to think he had become HIV positve, so it was VERY shocking to find that we both were.

But I will say it gets better

I have even found some positives - not in HIV itself as the only positve in this is that you are HIV positive.
 
But some of the circumstances HIV has brought has been positive rather than negative

I know this sounds hard to believe and I would not have thought even a month ago I would be saying this, but for me there have been positives i.e a silver lining peeping out under the black cloud of HIV.

As for me some now some of the shock has gone, now I am on medication I feel better physically and us both having HIV has made us take stock , be kinder to ourselves and do stuff for fun and not just to make a living.
Before HIV both of us were living on a kind of treadmill, struggling to do stuff to make money rather than to enjoy life, feeling we could not get off the treadmill.

But HIV has forced us off and I have to say we have had some fun at times despite the HIV for the first time in years. Looking death in the face 'my husband especially was very ill'  does help you to appreciate what you have - well it has me anyway.

I know you will not feel like this for a long time if at all - jsut wanted to say though that Hiv can be a new beginning - I am 55 and it is in a way a new beginning for me

Love Veritee
I have a blog here, please do not judge me on what I say here- I need to offload and this is where I do it: http://hiv-and-us.blogspot.com/

Offline 27years

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
  • What I did for love I will still do it for love
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2008, 02:57:24 PM »
Welcome to the forums good you found us though not through favourable circumstances.  I understand why your head is spinning and for now it will mostly be questions without answers.  take your time to accept the condition,  try not to include your boyfriend and try and focus on your well being.  If he thought you you were not compactable before your poz results then being poz might not even make it any better. 

Try and let go the past and leave the present.  You will definitely find other people who have something in common with you and treat you better.  Continue your new life without him and with time you will heal and cope alright.  You don't even have to tell him yourself about your status, medical staff should have a way of passing the message to him.  Having HIV should not mean that you should be bound by someone who doesn't love you or someone you don't love.  All the best and hope you will get through this ordeal soon
Nobody dies a virgin life screws us all up

Offline dgr20002

  • Member
  • Posts: 288
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2008, 05:17:24 PM »
Hey Poppa,

I am glad you found us though you have been registered about a year now so hopefully you have an idea the kind of support you will receive here. You will get good advice and a place to just let out your fears, regrets hopes and whatever else you need support in. 

I think you are in a tough spot because you want someone to confide in and to be close too that you can talk to and to embrace. The person you really want to do that with just left you. Give yourself the time to decide how you can tell him without guilting him and thus having him want to return because you are positive.  You are adults and you can probably discuss this with him. At the very least you will have someoine to share with that can give you a hug and tell you it's going to be OK. You may already have someone for this but of not then your ex is an option. He must have or also need support too. You can help him too.

Thats my 2 cents.

David

Offline Poppa

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2008, 10:48:35 PM »
Hello David,
                I registered last year after my expartner informed me of his status. I wanted to educate myself and found the " someone I care about has HIV" forum. It helped  to open my eyes and see him for the person that he was and not just someone with HIV. That was when I fell in love with him. Yes, the support here is wonderful. As I read I can feel the love and concern most people have for one another.
               As far as guilting my ex. He knows I think.  I wouldn't know if he feels guilty because he has not responded. I was not thinking that if I told him he would come back to me. I wouldn't want him under those circumstances. I just wanted him to know that even thogh we are no longer together I will have a part of him for the rest of my life. I am sure he feels I need to handle this in my own way just as he did and that I knew the risks. He was prepared for me not to see him anymore after he told me. I chose to stay and stand with him. He will not be the one to give me a hug and tell me everything will be OK. Maybe my therapist.
               
             

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
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Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2008, 08:26:12 AM »
He will not be the one to give me a hug and tell me everything will be OK. Maybe my therapist.
   

Well Poppa, here's a cyber {{HUG}} from me. :)
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Florida69

  • Member
  • Posts: 428
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2008, 09:25:07 AM »
Hello David,
                I registered last year after my expartner informed me of his status. I wanted to educate myself and found the " someone I care about has HIV" forum. It helped  to open my eyes and see him for the person that he was and not just someone with HIV. That was when I fell in love with him. Yes, the support here is wonderful. As I read I can feel the love and concern most people have for one another.
               As far as guilting my ex. He knows I think.  I wouldn't know if he feels guilty because he has not responded. I was not thinking that if I told him he would come back to me. I wouldn't want him under those circumstances. I just wanted him to know that even thogh we are no longer together I will have a part of him for the rest of my life. I am sure he feels I need to handle this in my own way just as he did and that I knew the risks. He was prepared for me not to see him anymore after he told me. I chose to stay and stand with him. He will not be the one to give me a hug and tell me everything will be OK. Maybe my therapist.
               
             

Poppa it is hard to say unless you tell him.  However, I am sending you a big manly hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I know when I tested in January of 2006, I felt like my head was going to explode.  I am lucky that I found some great friends who pulled me through on the web.  You have that network here.  Take care, D
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

Offline VM-Bass

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  • Posts: 38
Re: My head is spinning
« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2008, 05:21:25 PM »
I just wanted to add my welcome.  This is a difficult time in your life, so take some time and just relax.  I know it seems impossible, but after a while your brain will stop going a million miles an hour.  You will begin to return to normal.  It WILL happen. 

You have found a wonderfully supportive community here.  Use it whenever you need it.  There are people here who can answer any question you may have.

Welcome, and be well... :-* 
1/11/08                  4/14/08         6/12/08

CD4: 927                    838               883
CD4%: 42                    40                 47
Viral Load: 2170           926               173

The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel...
---Shakespeare

 


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