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My head is spinning

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Went to the Dr. yesterday to get my results . After he told me I was positive I left my body in the chair for him to talk to.( didn't want to be rude) All I could think was " you just told me 3 mons. ago I was negative" Went back to work with this news in my head. Finished out the day and went home to take a xanax and go to bed. Had a couple of  glasses of wine too. Woke up in the middle of the night and it was still there. Not a dream. Stayed up until 2 am. Went back to bed after another xanax. Woke up @ 6:oo am and I was still positive. Not a dream. Put in a full day of work then came home and fell asleep. Woke up @ 5pm crying :'(. Called my ex to tell him and couldnt bring myself to do it. All he could say was " you sound like you have a cold" When I told him I did not he probably assumed I was still crying over him. I just said " I dont know why I called. I will let you go ". He is positive and it safe to assume I got it from him. The irony is that he broke up with me because one of the things he felt was wrong between us is that we didn't have anything in common. Tried to highlight the the good between us and bury the bad for almost 2 weeks after we parted. He didn't want to discuss it anymore. So I began my new life without him.  I thought. Now I will have something in common with him for the rest of of my life and he doesn't even know. My grief is twofold now. My head is spinning and I dont know what to do. There really isn't anyone I want to tell at this time. I still cant believe it. I need to go through this with my partner but he isn't there anymore. I really just want to die.

Matty the Damned:

Welcome to the Forums. I'm sorry you've had to join us, but I'm glad you have all the same. :)

It's very common for people to not hear a word their doctor says after the words "you've tested positive" for HIV have been uttered. It's no wonder too that your head is spinning, given everything that's going on in your life.

There's not a lot I can tell you at the moment that will be of much use other than welcome (which I've already done) and to encourage you to post whenever you feel the need.



Poppa, welcome to the forums.  You'll find a lot of information here and very supportive people.  I'm sorry you've ended up here, but glad you found us.  Hope to hear more from you.

Peter Staley:
Poppa -- Matty said it well.  Thanks for your honesty, and thanks for posting here.  I'm glad you found us.  I founded this site about 8 years ago, and hope you find support here going forward.  I found out I was positive in 1985 -- 23 years ago!  I know it seems remarkably dark right now.  I wouldn't be here now if that darkness didn't pass with time.

Please keep posting.


Hello Betty and Matt, Thank you for reading my post and for your greetings. I am sitting here trying to motivate myself to get up and get going. It isn't working. There is nothing in my head right now. Just lonliness and isolation. What am I going to do.


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