Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 22, 2014, 08:47:17 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 23523
  • Latest: Dman
Stats
  • Total Posts: 639814
  • Total Topics: 48571
  • Online Today: 229
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?  (Read 3061 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Diamond

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« on: April 13, 2008, 02:36:28 AM »
Well its been a while. Im going on my 2nd year, started atripla a month ago, my doc think I may have lymphoma and yeah my b day is today.  Needless to say I meet this guy and I just want to have sex with him. Im tired of my dildos and want to feel normal again. I mean I would use protection so do I really have to tell him what I have?

Offline 27years

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
  • What I did for love I will still do it for love
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2008, 04:29:50 AM »
If the person is just going to be a fuck buddy without any strings attached there is no need to disclose as long as you use protection, unless there is more to it then maybe thats when you have to consider telling the person.  It also depends on how well the informed the person is about hiv because for some HIV- people the moment you tell them they will do a runner.  Enjoy protected sex and see what comes after.  You are not even guaranteed that the person will be better than your dildos. 
Nobody dies a virgin life screws us all up

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,348
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2008, 07:02:01 AM »
Hi Diamond,

Apparently, I wrote something that was ambiguous.

I'll clarify with a phrase a late friend of mine often used.


We do what we want to do.


And, so will you.


Em

« Last Edit: April 13, 2008, 11:37:51 AM by emeraldize »

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,945
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2008, 07:22:44 AM »
Diamond, when someone has a question about disclosure, I don't like to give an absolute answer.  You have to do what you can live with.  Personally, if I just wanted to fuck a person, I probably wouldn't disclose.  But, that's me. 

I wanted to welcome you here, and invite you to join us in the women's forum.  We're really a good lot and help each other out quite a bit.  I hope to get to know you better.
    Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Online Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,807
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2008, 11:00:47 AM »
 Happy birthday Diamond...  Its your decision to make . I always tell , I like knowing where I stand with someone from the start .

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,111
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2008, 11:03:54 AM »
Hi Diamond,

Imagine it is he who is HIV positive and just wants to fuck you, nothing else. He just wants to feel normal again after masturbating for two years.

You are HIV negative. Would you prefer that he tell you?

Edited to add: You asked " Do I really have to tell hiim what I have?" This is a decision only you can make and only you will make. I offered the old-fashioned Golden Rule method. It's a great, fast way to determine what you think about what you're doing--whether it HIV-related, or other decisions that affect other people.

What would you want if you were the HIV negative (or, presumed HIV- person, we should clarify here as you don't know WHAT this guy's status is -- so a condom might keep you from picking up some additional STIs) person and someone was going to fuck you knowing they had HIV?

I guess another question to add to the Golden Rule approach would be, will you feel " normal " (which is what you say you want to feel by having sex again) if you don't share this information?


Em


I still don't know what the correct answer is, at least according to you and this ambiguously worded post, em.  I know that when I was HIV-negative I simply assumed every partner I had was potentially positive, and that it was MY RESPONSIBILITY to insist on using a condom.  Still the correct answer decades later, and many bottles of pills down my throat.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2008, 11:30:07 AM »
happy bday diamond!!

to echo what the other have said, the decision to disclose is yours. i have been on both sides of the fence. asking and talking about it didn't do me a world of good when i was negative : ). now that im poz i disclose sometimes. some of my reasoning has to do with them, a lot of my reasoning has to do with my personal ethics. i am okay not disclosing if they do not ask and we have protected or safer sex. if i wake up the next morning and don't feel like shit then i feel ive made a good choice.

so, as the others have said, the choice is yours. acting out of need can have consequences, so make sure whatever decision you make you are okay with the end result. with that said, have a blast (or a cock) on your bday weekend!!!
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,111
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2008, 11:44:16 AM »
I think I can count on 3 fingers the amount of times someone has asked me if I'm HIV positive.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2008, 11:53:27 AM »
"I think I can count on 3 fingers the amount of times someone has asked me if I'm HIV positive." quote Philica
......................
Well thats just the crux of the issue isnt it. Who is going to be the more responsible of the two?  If you think about it, the person who KNOWS THAT THEY ARE HIV  POSITIVE HAS THE ADVANTAGE. The person whio does not know and has not been tested is the one at a disadvantage.  Since most of the poeple out there are not asking the right questions....what do you do as the one with the advantage?  Practice safe sex to start with. Disclosure follows. 
« Last Edit: April 13, 2008, 11:56:31 AM by bear60 »
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Online Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,807
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2008, 11:53:51 AM »
 Look at the bright side Philly , maybe the fourth time you have sex you will be as lucky .
« Last Edit: April 13, 2008, 11:56:02 AM by jg1962 »

Offline Dragonette

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,190
  • Spring symptoms
    • NotPerfectAtAll
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2008, 12:09:52 PM »
Hi Diamond, happy birthday!

Don't know what to tell you really except what I experienced. Think it depends if you want to see the person again. If there is even a small chance of that, I'd disclose. If there is a chance of him finding out, I'd disclose. If it's illegal in your state, same.

These are 3 situations in which I think I would always disclose.

Otherwise personally I think I would disclose anyway, but guessing that if I were to have a 1 night stand, I might chicken out of it altogether b/c of this dilemma. I don't think I'd be able to have sex without disclosing,  for one thing it would be on my mind too much to enjoy the sex itself.

Before I had a relationship, I was talking with my social worker and she said, if I want sex, I can get it, and am not obliged to say anything as long as it's protected.

But I am in the Netherlands and not diclosing its not illegal here. Anyway I could never do it. Even before HIV I never did enjoy a one nighter, though I had them anyway... and having one with this secret, there was no way for me.

That's my experience... Wishing you a happy birthday and that whatever you decide will leave you feeling good about yourself,

PS just reading Bear's post, I wish things in the hetero world were such that people always assumed the other poz (I mean education wise not statistics wise), unfortunately I can imagine that if I ever had sex first and disclose later the partner would freak out big time, it could be dangerous as well. I think if I had undoclosed sex, I'd make sure not to tell out of pure fear.
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2008, 12:21:49 PM »
quote Draggie :
 unfortunately I can imagine that if I ever had sex first and disclose later the partner would freak out big time, it could be dangerous as well. I think if I had undoclosed sex, I'd make sure not to tell out of pure fear.
.................................Well.  Two things come to mind:
1. If you practice safe sex knowing that you are HIV positive and do not infect the other person....there is no fear that you put someone at jeapordy. (I think if you are looking for a long term relationship the disclosure should come before sex.) But lets face it there is a lot of sex happening that is just recreational.

2.Its the HIV poz people WHO DO NOT PRACTICE SAFE SEX... and do not disclose who are the ones getting sued.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,111
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2008, 12:33:57 PM »
I will also add that perhaps there are different unwritten rules for homosexuals and heterosexuals, contextual to what is accepted within the community.  Perhaps within the gay community this even varies by region -- not sure.  I know where I've lived there's always been a sizable gay community with a sizable infected portion, and as I stated very few people ask your HIV status, and I'm including both pre- and post- diagnosis figures there. 

I don't see the point of asking or being asked if you're using a condom, which is what you should be doing all of the time anyway.  The only sticky point is when you go beyond a one nighter, and want to date the person and THEN you have to decide when do disclose.  2nd sexual encounter?  3rd?  10th?  I've had a wide variety of reactions, though the majority of them have been fine (or claimed to be... some I could later tell were uncomfy with the whole thing and faded away... bye bye)

This is always a touchy subject for the newly and somewhat newly diagnosed, and of course is correlated with how sexually active you are.  There aren't any set rules and sometimes you have to just make it up as you go along.  You only get the guilts if you're out there wantonly spreading your devil spawn.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Dragonette

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,190
  • Spring symptoms
    • NotPerfectAtAll
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #13 on: April 13, 2008, 12:34:33 PM »
I agree with you completely Bear. That's what people shouldl know. I wish that was the case...

but knowing how hetero guys talk about sex, STDs and esp HIV, I would never take the risk... they dont imagine that HIV is out there. Sex is different too, when gays have sex its (I reckon) just mutual enjoyment, no one is the taker or the giver, but when heteros have sex esp no strings the woman is often seen as someone who puts out, a slut, easy, promiscious, etc (there are exceptional guys of course...).
If you don't mind the stigma you can enjoy yourself.
But if on top of that you mention that you were poz after the act, I don't even want to think of the guy's reaction. At the best case scenario if he is completely civil, just contempt and a cold shoulder, but it could also end in public humiliation, filing charges, or violence.
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline keyite

  • Member
  • Posts: 514
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #14 on: April 13, 2008, 12:52:04 PM »
Still relatively newly diagnosed but I'm increasingly realising it is not a simple do or don't issue - a lot depends on the persons and the circumstances, at least for more casual encounters. Like Philly, I remember the 80s where the assumption would be that any potential partner could be poz and it would be up to you to take the necessary precautions. What a shame that approach increasingly seems to be fading in favour of a flawed reliance on disclosure.

Disclosure might be an personal ethical question but it does not hold the key to halting HIV. Neggies have far more to fear from the recently infected and/or the untested pozzies out there who will swear blind they're neg than they do from those that have already been diagnosed. In that sense disclosure is a red herring. Safer sex remains the only reliable way to halt HIV and it remains a personal responsibility - relying on others in that respect will invariably end in tears.

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,413
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #15 on: April 13, 2008, 12:53:49 PM »
Happy Birthday, Diamond!!!

I have to agree with Drag, if you were to tell the guy after the fact, he could freak out on you especially if he doesn't understand that he was completely safe having protected sex with you.

How much do you trust this person?  He might agree to wear a condom and then slip it off during intercourse. 

You need to do what you feel comfortable doing and what you will be able to live with.

Good Luck,
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #16 on: April 13, 2008, 12:59:42 PM »
quote Keyite:  "Disclosure might be an personal ethical question but it does not hold the key to halting HIV. Neggies have far more to fear from the recently infected and/or the untested pozzies out there who will swear blind they're neg than they do from those that have already been diagnosed."
.........
Exactly.  I have only met one person who was infected by someone who KNEW THAT THEY WERE HIV POSITVE.  Me and all my cohorts back in the 80,s were infected by people who did not know or had not been tested.  I lost 30 friends.  I dont think any of them were intentionally infected.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Online Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,807
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #17 on: April 13, 2008, 01:09:44 PM »
 I have known people that I strongly suspected of refusing to get tested just so they could say they were negative .

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #18 on: April 14, 2008, 07:26:04 AM »
I have always disclosed. I might start out burning in my lust and think that I am not, but then I always do. And sometimes I get lucky and they don't run away and it happens, and after wild and exotic sex, the morning after, and waking up, there 'bag' has opened and they are on meds...after I dosclosed, they DIDN'T..and I think."you little shit"...so yeah..I tell.
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #19 on: April 14, 2008, 11:30:33 AM »
Diamond, look at the laws in your state and see if you could survive the consequences if something should happen and you didn't disclose and you infected them.

Offline dvinemstre

  • Member
  • Posts: 96
  • hot in carolina
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #20 on: April 14, 2008, 07:56:41 PM »
I know how hard disclosure can be, especially when you just wanna smash it up with a hottie. however, people can be VERY irresponsible with their own sexuality. About two months after I was diagnosed I got slightly drunk at a party and left with a man for sex. I told him from the beginning that he absolutely HAD to use a condom, he didn't ask why but agreed. towards the end of very fabulous sex he was hittin it from behind and took off the condom, which oh by the way was how I contracted it from the man who infected me...so I was like, whoooooaaaaa when I realized it. SO, I have to say some people can be really slimy about things. Although it is much harder for a man to get infected from a pos female, i ALWAYS disclose now, so the person will know, and make a good decision and not expose himself or ME to anything. I have come to realize that there are plenty of folks out there who will want to be with me for sex or companionship regardless of my status, and once i disclose they can open up about other things to me as well. If its not gonna be open then I will keep changing the batteries  :P

Offline beefbud

  • Member
  • Posts: 117
  • just some flesh caught in this big broken machine"
    • cubster dot com
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #21 on: April 16, 2008, 08:32:25 AM »
as it appears its a matter of personal opinion by reading everyones post.

for me, its upfront, you know, you don't wanna do it...fine!  Damn shame i breathed on them or possibly touched them cuz, GASP, im diseased.  LOL
I have gotten to a point that I prefer others to know.  Cruising while out though is pretty much non existent anymore though...I hate going through the disclosure thing and getting drunk with the buddies is much more fun anyway.  :)

Obviously from everyones post though, its a personal opinion and what you are comfortable with.
"first impressions are cheap auditions"

Offline 30Years

  • Member
  • Posts: 22
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #22 on: April 19, 2008, 09:42:16 PM »
I suggest to disclose it.  I have gotten in to a lot of trouble and it's best to do so.  By not disclosing can lead to a lifetime of LLEH!!!  Take it from me.

Offline xyahka

  • Member
  • Posts: 778
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
« Reply #23 on: April 19, 2008, 11:21:39 PM »
I agree with some people... if it is a simple fuck i don't disclose. Sometimes a single fuck... is repeated several times... i still don't disclose because having a fucking buddy does not mean he needs to know everything about you (nor that you are his only sexual partner). Although i try to be extremely cautious about protection thing... Now, if we speak about something where feelings are involved and the word "L--E" comes on the table... then disclosure is a must in my point of view... i could not hide something like this to someone i say "i love you"

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.