Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
April 24, 2014, 09:48:57 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 621253
  • Total Topics: 46801
  • Online Today: 229
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus  (Read 1217 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline beaubrent

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« on: April 09, 2008, 02:22:43 PM »

One cup of flour sat next to two eggs and a pile of chopped almonds. The crisp eight a.m. sunlight poured into the kitchen and bounced off of everything, making it the perfect day, the perfect time for my annual ritual.

Today is an important day. A sad day. A bright day. Everything must be right.

I greased the baking pan and sprinkled it with sugar. I browned the almonds in butter. I mixed the batter with brown sugar instead of white sugar. Although the components of my ritual have changed over the years, it remains mostly the same. When I finally poured it all in and popped it in the oven, I had twenty minutes exactly for the next phase of the ritual.

Today, as I have done six times before, I celebrate the anniversary of my HIV. Just like every year before, I do it to mark an important point in time, a certain respect I share for a worthy enemy. Each attention to detail - each fork placed perfectly next to the plate or getting the exact consistency of the gentle brown crust on the cake - represents the respect for detail I give to my virus. It helps me to remember that everything I do in my life is another way I fight this virus. Everything. Like eating a carrot. Going to the gym each day. Smiling in spite of it all. Continuing to do everything I thought I wouldn't be able to do in spite of it. Tickling someone. Loving. Being loved. Thanks to each year I've built up, the support of those around me, and the experience of all those Gay men before me I have an endless array of weapons in my expansive arsenal to give HIV the finger.
 

He came into the room and just sat down in front of me in that way doctors do that lets you know you're positive without them having to say it. I remember feeling like I wasn't there, but outside of my body, as if it wasn't us, but two actors playing out a scene long ago. This wasn't supposed to happen anymore. The memory is still as clear as ever.


I poured a cup of coffee and watched the steam rise, curl, and disappear into the air while I fumbled for the candles. I used to do this ritual at night. The darkness used to lend a somber mood to the whole affair, letting the candles better play their part of the ritual. Now I do it in the morning so that I can truly celebrate each new day I've been given and each new day I have.

It's done. The smell of almond fills the air when I open the oven. I carefully turn it over on a plate and it falls out easily. It's even better than last year. That makes me smile. It's oddly beautiful, a fitting symbol for an un-beautiful virus in sometimes beautiful people.

I will continue to celebrate each year I live in spite of HIV. I will make a cake, think about how far I have come, go further every year, and never stop remembering. Each candle represents another game point for me, another refusal to be beaten. Putting in six candles, I stop to remember every year. In time, the candles lit and the life I've lived will be so much I've done in spite of the virus that it will mean that I've won.

"And I will win," I say to nobody, smiling when I blow out the candles.

Happy Birthday, virus, you sonofabitch. Now your journey is getting harder and mine is getting easier. As each year passes, I know that I've learned what needs to be done to outlast you, but you still have no idea of what I'll come up with next as the newest way to kick your ass. I'm getting stronger and you're getting weaker.

Here's to another year, and another point for me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 [/color]
When I found out I had HIV,

I woke up and started living.

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,255
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2008, 03:11:26 PM »
I'd like a piece of that.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline AndyArrow

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,196
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2008, 04:39:32 PM »
I'll bet you'd like some of what he baked too.
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline Ohio.POZ

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2008, 10:16:20 PM »
Beaubrent,

You go boy...congrats on another year!

Jim
infected 11/07/04
diagnosed 02/19/05

date      cd4/cd4%/vl
3/2/05      493/26/14360
6/10/05      470/30/51140
10/24/05   414/27/18010
2/28/06      327/22/77000
4/27/06      368/20/72450
7/28/06      266/15/52155
9/22/06      226/15/30637
Started Atripla 11/9/06
12/13/06       366/18.3/716
1/24/07         528/?/<50
3/7/07           469/20.4/<50
9/10/07         392/22/<50
1/3/08           495/25/<50

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2008, 10:25:00 PM »
Hey Beau,

That was an inspiring story, thank you for sharing  ;D  Have the best day
Michael
(who would use his grandmothers lace table cloth, plastic forks and paper plates)  ;D

Offline 27years

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
  • What I did for love I will still do it for love
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2008, 05:51:53 AM »
Happy celebration for achieving some important things in life and living another year with the virus, not an easy companion to have, but not an unmanageable one. Have a great day, enjoy the cake
Nobody dies a virgin life screws us all up

Offline germangirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2008, 05:58:28 AM »
Great story.
And it seems as if you have accepted your cohabitant and handle it well. Have a good day. Germangirl
Eres el aire que respiro,
Eres el compania de mi soledad,
Eres el luz que me ilumina,
Eres el camino en la oseuidad.
Dedicated to my husband

My husband is positive, I am negative.

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2008, 09:14:14 AM »
Cool ritual. Delightful person.

Hug,
Mike

Offline bmancanfly

  • Member
  • Posts: 534
  • Medicare For All !
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2008, 10:38:42 AM »
Carpe Diem  !

Beautiful post, Beau.
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."

 Bertrand Russell

Offline pozguy75

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,239
    • POZitively Speaking
Re: Happy Birthday, Stupid Virus
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2008, 12:09:42 PM »
hey you!!

Happy...well, you know what it is!
Dx 2005
ATRIPLA

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.