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All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming

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Hi all, I am newly diagnosed within the last month,

First of all I want to say Ive been reading this forum since I tested poz about a month ago. I have to say that the information I have found in here and the compassion and support and kind words that everyone gives (Andy Velez, BettyTacy, and many others) has made HUGE difference in my outlook. Thank you ALL!!!!

So I would like to chime in.....When the Doctor told me I was Poz I didnt cry, scream or really react in any way, I actually told him that I wasnt going to let this Virus get to me. I spent the next few days reseraching as much as I could about HIV, I told my aunt and mother immediately, I went out and bought vitamins and fresh vegetables, I started working out more, I literally changed my life in a matter of a few days. I never cried. I never really got down, I wasnt mad, I wasnt really scared that much. I looked into volunteering at an AIDS hospice to help out my fellow pozzers. Now dont get me wrong, I was by no means happy about being POZ, but something jsut came over me and prevented me from being depressed or angry...........WELL that all came crashing down yesterday, I cried all day and night (Im crying now), I havent left the house, I'm mad, Im depressed, I feel dirty and nasty, I wonder if anyone will ever love me again, I am afraid to be around my friends because I feel guilty for not telling them...aghhhh!!! On top of all of that I have been feeling really sick last couple of days, my glands are hurting, I fell fatigued, I cant stand to look at myself in the mirror, Im afraid I'm gonna die in the next few months (irational, I know, but nevertheless the feelng is there). I go thursday to get my viral load thingy for the first time and Im afraid the doctor is going to tell me bad news. I could go on and on......but my questions is, how do I get through over this emotional crash? I was doing so well at first and no its all gone to shit....Will it be a roller coaster like this forever?? ughhhhhhhhh. I hate this, I cannot believe I did this to myself! ANy suggestions on how to get back in a good mental state of mind????


I am not the best here at long replies as I am not the best typist but I can see you sitting there refreshing the page waiting on a reply so here is a little something until the more elequent folks come along.

Taking a few days to absorb the news and then at some point letting your feelings out sounds completely normal to me. I had the same thing happen. I was upset when i was told but I didn't cry just then. It may have been a week later. I have been depressed over the diagnosis at times but have gone on and on. 20 years of going on and still doing pretty well. 

You just need to take things one day at a time. Be easy on yourself. Get things you like to eat and so the things you like to do. This is the start of a big change for you and you will get things under control. It takes time. Give yourself time. Let your family be there for you and jsut know that there are better days ahead. You will have down days but we all have those. Even neg people have them. Things deffinately improve and when you get the numbers from the doctor that will be the start of you getting a handle and taking control of this virus.  You can do it and we are all here for you.


edited for typos

Dear Alex, welcome to the forums!

Everything you're going through is normal.  I was diagnosed in a treatment center (for drugs/booze) on Feb. 13, 1989, and on Feb. 15 my first husband died.  I went through everything you're going through.  It's important to let it all out.  Trying to bottle it or a 'quick fix' to get over it is not going to work in the long run.

I do suggest getting in touch with your local ASO (Aids Service Organization) right away.  They might have a support group or two you could join to air all your feelings.  I also suggest getting a good therapist.  Your ASO or maybe even your doctor could recommend one.  I see a therapist myself and it's been a godsend. 

As far as changing eating, exercising more etc.  All those things are good, but to try to do everything at one time might be a bit overwhelming.  Just make small changes, as you can.  Your emotional state is the most important right now.  The physical stuff will follow.

Good luck with the viral load.  Don't be surprised if it's high.  It's your body trying to adjust to the new 'invader.'  And your CD4s (t cells) might be low as well.  Don't go totally by the first labs.  Look for a trend over about three rounds.  Take care of yourself and let us know what's happening.

Welcome Alex,

We're here if you need to vent, lord knows most of us have done it plenty enough!

Poz 16 years and no problems whatsoever.

Washington DC

Sorry to hear you are feeling down Alex. I think your moods will definitely even out over time. I think continually posting here will help you too. As time goes on you will find out what works best for you to relieve the stress. For some people it is exercise, painting, movies socializing with friends etc. Then sometimes just a good cry might be best. Being in this situation can definitely be frustrating at times. I would give myself more time to just feel my feelings. I know there have been times where I thought I would never stop feeling sad about this situation, then one day I noticed I laughed at a joke and just got tired of being sad and started doing fun things.

But all of this takes time. It is a shock to get news like this. Hope you feel better soon!


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