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Author Topic: crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all  (Read 5024 times)

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Offline WHYME2

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crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all
« on: April 02, 2008, 03:25:51 AM »
I wanna YELL and SCREAM!!!!...WHY!!!


I just got diagnosed 1 month ago
just started on my meds, and Im actually feeling alot better...tired but better, my skin actually cleared up.
but WHYME2
I met my highschool sweetheart, we married, had 2 wonderful children, and he cheats, Now we are divorced for 1 year, and he sends me an anniversary card, that says..Im HIV+ maybe you should chek yourself out..

WHAT THE FUK!!!!!!who put this disease here!!!
DAMMIT!!!
Im full of questions and no one can answer themmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Nevermind in the last 6 mos, I met the greatest man ever, Fortunately we have had protected vaginal sex,
HOw do I tell HIM!!!!!!!


I got gyn check ups, I got the kids immunization check up
I read alot, I keep abreast of all new information on everything
How did I MISS THIS....

and here I am checking and rechecking my Breast, because breast cancer runs in my family
FUK!!!

Never, ever would have thought this

I dont understand the numbers
cd4 is 276
Viral load is is in the like 240000...(i think)
what does this all mean.


and my doctor? he is so positive and gung ho...telling me I will be fine

HOW
how do i tell my 16 and 12 year old...MOMMIE is HIV +
how do I tell this MAN...who seems like HEAVEN ...
IM SICK!!!

I know im  babbling on and on....but what can I do???

Just wanna lay down and wake up from this bad dream!!!

whyme2



Offline WHYME2

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QUESTIONS
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2008, 03:32:01 AM »
1.what is sero-converted?

2.what does the PErcentage mean?

just been reading some other post,

 :'( ??? :( >:( :-[

Offline minismom

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2008, 04:10:05 AM »
First, I want to welcome you to the forum.  You may also want to try out the Positive Women's forum and join us in the Dating Thread.  It's not all about dating, just about our daily lives / struggles.  It's a good way to get to know the ladies and a really good way for us to get to know you.  Second, I know that it feels like it right now, but you are not alone.  You have happened upon a wonderful, caring, and safe place to discuss your fears, get your questions answered, and find support.  You are part of a family - our family.

I'm going to try and anwer the questions from your other thread.  Sero-conversion is when you "convert" from HIV- to HIV+.  Some (most?) go through terrible "tell tale" seroconversion sickness.  It can be pretty bad.  Others "breeze" through it and can only pinpoint when they seroconverted after testing positive.  Secondly, the % that everyone talks about is the % of lymphocites that are good T-cells.  To learn more about what numbers mean, I suggest you go to the "lessons" that are on this site.  You can get there by clicking "lessons" at the top of the page, just under the AIDSMEDS.com logo.  They are a wealth of information, wonderfully written, and easy to understand.

I can't begin to imagine your fears.  It's OK to feel them. Everyone here has.  But, know, too, that they will pass...eventually. 

Again, welcome to the forums.
Mum
www.watoto.com
www.MotherBearProject.org
"Whichever way you throw me, i will stand"
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia"  Charles Schultz

Offline WHYME2

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2008, 04:50:55 AM »
Ok, Serconversion is basically what you went through before you got diagnosed positive.

thanks for answering my post, I work nights 12am-8am, So Im usually sleep in the day...lately I can sleep from 9am to almost 7pm...i hope your up late also


Is it just me or do you feel like everyone who looks at you knows?
i havent done my hair since my diagnosis, i just hide under my hat
i pile on heaps and heaps of foundation, because my doc say I have DERMATITUS
I sit on the far right in the single seats on the train/bus, I just feel like
someone will point me out and do what I don't know???
I'm involved in  so many activities, Girl scout, womens bookclub, social group etc..
and Im afraid to schedule any meetings Im just afraid...


Please tell me all of these feelings will go away!!!


Offline Ann

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2008, 05:46:36 AM »
Hi Why, welcome to the forum.

Why you? Why any of us? The question isn't "why me" but "where do I go from here".

You don't have to tell your kids anything right away. Give yourself time to learn more and become more comfortable with things. The man in your life may be a little different. Maybe you could show him the anniversary card you got from the ex? This way he'll at least know you only found out yourself.

Try to remember that being hiv positive doesn't automatically mean you're "sick". Many of use are healthier than a lot of hiv negative folks.

You might like to read through the Lessons found elsewhere on this website, particularly the one on what your labs mean.

There's a lot to learn, but you have time. You don't need to learn everything all at once. If you have any questions about what you read in the Lessons, feel free to come into the forums to ask.

I know what you mean about people knowing just by looking at you; when I was newly diagnosed I felt like I had HIV tatooed on my forehead. I didn't and nobody could tell by looking at me. Those are just feelings we have, they're not facts. Those feelings will diminish in time.

I will say this though - if you continue to go around with your hair a mess and generally looking like something's wrong, people WILL think something's wrong. However, hiv would likely be the last thing they'd guess. Force yourself to get cleaned up and get your hair in order - you'll feel better for it and thank yourself.

Please don't stop doing the activities you normally do. This will help you feel better and more yourself once again. Yes, you WILL get through this initial rollercoaster ride and you WILL live your life again. Don't let hiv stop you!

I'd like to second Minismom's suggestion that you venture into the Women's forum. You'll meet a lot of other positive women there, some who have been living with this for YEARS - and their lives have gone on and they're doing well. You can too. Hang in there!

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline 27years

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  • What I did for love I will still do it for love
Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2008, 12:14:42 PM »
You still have to mantain the pride in yourself by taking care of yourself, get your hair done, have manicure and pedicure, indulge in the nice things you wish to and keep doing the things you love to do, you are not running out of time so there is no reason to panic.  You will pass this roller coaster phase and realise there is more to life.  No body will know unless you tell them, there is no need for the whole world to know your status.  Take your time and get yourself educated about the virus, you will find it easier to deal with other packages which it comes with like disclosure. Whoever will be sitting next to you in the train or in the bus is minding their own business.  Its normal to feel like screaming at times, it might be worthy doing some physical activities like going to the gym or jogging. Welcome to the forums and hope you will find ways of coping soon
Nobody dies a virgin life screws us all up

Offline sprockett9

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2008, 01:07:46 PM »
Why,

You need to seek out someone to talk to before you go sharing with others.  At least find some level of understanding within yourself.  Well, the one person you need to think about sharing is your boyfriend -- or stop having sex until you can divulge.  You didn't do this to yourself -- you know who did.  It can be a shock for someone to hear but if he is a good person, he will understand -- or at least try.  You can control only one thing in this life -- yourself.

I have been poz for 2 and 1/2 years now (time flies).  I can only say that I am as healthy and vibrant as I was when I was neg.  I have been on meds since the beginning, very fortunate that i haven't had any adverse effects (knock on wood) and have found that HIV is an afterthought.  I am still the person I was -- and better in some ways as I have a compassion for the human condition that I never had before.

You have a whole group of knowledgeable, caring and amazing people on this site -- i am relatively new but have found them amazing.  Ask questions, cry, scream, vent -- you have us here. 

Your kids and your HIV aren't going anywhere -- it is a shock but with the right adjustments this disease can be manageable.  You want to be there for your kids and grandkids -- don't ever assume you wont be!!! 

Good luck -- we are here for you!
Dean

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2008, 05:12:58 PM »
This is very, very new for you. You don't have to rush and disclose to your kids or to anyone for that matter. Take your time with that and please read our lesson about disclosure.

Even though it obviously feels very overwhelming right now, gradually you are going to find that matters are going to settle down and HIV will become a part of your life. But by now means all that your life will be about. It's important to have a doctor who's monitoring your numbers regularly. When newly infected the numbers tend to bounce all over the place. They will gradually settle and then it will become clearer as to whether you need to go on meds or not. That's something to discuss with your doctor and here as well if and when that comes about.

Keep a pad with you so that you can make note of questions you have that you want to discuss with your doctor and here. Often something comes to mind and then you forget about it even when you don't mean to.

You're always welcome here to ask questions, to bring up anything that's on your mind and just hang out when you can.

Welcome. You've had a big jolt but you're going to be ok. Really. 


 
Andy Velez

Offline Snowangel

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2008, 06:17:21 PM »
Hi Whyme-
Welcome and I am so glad you found this forum!  I have been positive for around 15 yrs and I felt a lot of the same things you are feeling when I first found out.  I got infected by my partner who used violence and abuse to try to control me and when I finally took steps to protect myself and ended up having him brought to jail, his one phone call was to me to say "Don't you know I have Aids you fucking bitch"  My whole world was turned upside down at that point, I had no one to talk to and went into denial for awhile.  When I finally did go and get tested, I was able to find a support group in my area that helped to calm a lot of my fears.  I had so many questions "Will I be able to swim in a pool again?(YES) What happens if someone accidently drinks behind me(WHO CARES)? A million questions at once that scared the hell out of me.  My biggest fear was that I would infect someone else and someone could tell by looking at me.  No question is stupid, if something is bothering or scaring you let us know or find a support group to get some one on one.  Crying is 150% normal.  You are not alone.
I have to cut this short cuz I have a cub scout meeting but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and we are all here for you.  It will get better.  Take care of yourself, do your hair, you are still a wonderful mother and a beautiful women.
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline naftalim

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2008, 10:12:44 PM »
The first good step you took is coming to this forum. There are people here who have been positive for years and those like you who are new. All of us to some degree have gone through the stages of what you describe. Its natural. No one gets HIV and is not affected by it. You will however adjust and find that life isn't over. We work, play, cry and laugh like every one else. (Ok, we don't have as much sex)

As for cd4 is 276 Viral load is is in the like 240000...(i think)

Those are the baseline indicators of how much of the virus you have and how your immune system has been affected. The higher the CD4 and the lower the Viral Load, the better you are. Having a CD4 of 276 at diagnosis is not bad, and with medication, you should see a big improvement fairly quickly (Thats if your doctor feels you should start meds now)

Within less than a year your Viral Load should recede to undetectable (not eliminated but low enough to be considered undetectable) As a result of less virus and improved immune system, you will also feel better physically and therefore emotionally.

See more below

CD4 Cells - The Key to HIV Replication

HIV is a retrovirus, meaning it needs cells from a "host" in order to make more copies of itself (replication). In the case of HIV, CD4 cells are the host cells that aid HIV in replication. HIV attaches to the CD4 cells, allowing the virus to enter and infect the CD4 cells, damaging them in the process. The fewer functioning CD4 cells, the weaker the immune system and therefore the more vulnerable a person is to infections and illnesses.

Another important number is CD4 Percentage

CD4 percentages refer to the number of CD4 T-cells within every 100 lymphocytes, the subset of white blood cells that includes T-cells and B-cells. Typically when you get your blood tests results going forward, these are the 3 key indicators as to how your are doing. CD4 Count, CD4 percentage and Viral Load

Finally, if I may suggest, your priorities now are: Take care of yourself, so you can take care of your children. If the man in your life is meant to be, it will be.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

Offline Runningbear

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think
« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2008, 10:15:29 PM »
Hi Whyme...I'm a parent too!  I know what you're going through, at least in that regard.  The support I've seen on this site is overwhelming.  Use it and take care of yourself as best you can!!

Jim

Offline WHYME2

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  • Posts: 5
crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2008, 12:11:52 AM »
Let me first say
I wanna thank allllllllllll of you, I have read almost all the post and response in this forum and I feel sooooooooooooooooo much better

I told my significant other tonite...I gave him the card my ex-husband gave me,....he didnt take it well, at all, but what surprised me most he was not worried at all about himself, he was totally worried about me.

We went to get him tested this morning, He had the oral swab and it came out negative...(which is a good thing for now)
He took blood full cbc and everything and we will know the results later...
His doctor suggest that being that he may have been exposed, maybe he can take meds...but thats later...

We decided not to mention anything to the children Yet,

I must say tonite I feel alot better

and this forum has sooo much information

I had a dr. appt today..and I had a list of things to ask him
He thought it was good  that I am readiing more about it...

I swear, I thought I knew everything I needed to know about HIV/AIDS
but Im finding out I knew nothing...


Well, as for today/tonite its been a better
Looking forward to tomorrow.

thank you all so much!!!!
whyme2

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2008, 07:38:48 AM »
Hi Why,

I merged your two threads as the new "thank you" thread seemed to be a response to your original "crazy, confused..." thread.

When you want to respond in a thread, you need to scroll to the bottom of the thread and look for the "reply" button beneath the last post. You can also enable the "quick reply" box at the bottom of a thread. It can take a while to get used to using forums. ;)

We went to get him tested this morning, He had the oral swab and it came out negative...(which is a good thing for now)
He took blood full cbc and everything and we will know the results later...
His doctor suggest that being that he may have been exposed, maybe he can take meds...but thats later...


As you two have always used condoms for penetrative sex, I don't expect his results to change. The meds the doctor mentioned are called PEP - post exposure prophylaxis. He would only need to take these if you two had unprotected intercourse and they need to be started no more than 72 hours after the incident occurred. From what you've said so far, your bf doesn't need PEP. PEP consists of taking hiv meds for a whole month - it's not like the morning after pill.

Make sure you keep using condoms and you won't have to worry about PEP in the future. Please read through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use them with confidence.

I'm so happy you're starting to feel better - and I'm glad your bf is being supportive. Hang in there!

Ann
xxx

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline pacerintl

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2008, 05:38:53 PM »
OP I am sorry to hear that you've tested positive for HIV.  You have every right to be upset and angry about your situation.  Untreated HIV can be a horrible disease but with a good HIV Dr., the right meds and the tenacity to stick to a routine, HIV can be a very managile disease, mom isn't going anywhere. 

There is no other disease in the US that has a built in support system like HIV, accessing those systems can be frustrating at times but they are there never the less.

Take comfort in knowing that there are laws that have been passed specifically preventing discrimination in regards to HIV and there are several avenues to accessing life saving drugs to those who could never afford them.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  No that didn't come from your TV.

If you have internet access at home great, if not and it's financially doable get it.  It's so much easier to have access to the internet and its resources right at home.  If you're not familiar with Google, you will be.



 


Offline BT65

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2008, 06:07:29 AM »
If you have internet access at home great, if not and it's financially doable get it.  It's so much easier to have access to the internet and its resources right at home.  If you're not familiar with Google, you will be.

Yes, but just don't go diagnosing yourself based on a 'google' search.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline sprockett9

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all
« Reply #15 on: April 11, 2008, 04:09:27 PM »
While the internet is a great resource of information, my Dr. gave me some good advice during the visit I found out.  He told me to take the internet for face value -- remember that the writing comes from people that have their own views of HIV/AIDS and what it means.  Some sites can alarm you while others confuse.  Just take it all with a grain of salt -- and be careful not to get too influenced by it all...

D
Dean

Offline justakuntrygul

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all
« Reply #16 on: April 11, 2008, 04:57:03 PM »
Hey..I thought the same thing when I tested positive. My bf and I have been together for two years. The first year we were together we both had unprotected sex together.  The next following year I got tested in February and my results was given the next month on the 27th over the phone. I was heartbroken and angry at him but not only him ..at myself. I usually get all my partners that I intend on having unsafe sex with or sex at all to get tested with me after dating a couple of times and wanting to get sexual, but with this one I didn't.  What you should do is keep the virus to yourself.  You don't want your children to feel sorry for you. Plus keep you personal life just that. No one really has to know that Mommie is sick until Mommie is ready to tell them. Don't push the issue.  Otherwise if they are curious very curious children will read up on the meds thats on your dresser or medical cabinet. 

I don't have children, so I really don't know how or when would be the right time to explain to them that you have this. First you will have to accept this, forgive your husband, and just breathe. you are living with and not dieing from this disease.  You will do just fine.  Just stay posted on your checkups and everything will be fine. 

For your now bf just tell him that you are HIV+ tell him how you got infected by your husband.  The truth is all he needs, plus you say that every time was protected with this man.  There is a great possibility that you did not pass it on to him.  Tell him though to make sure that he gets tested.  After he gets tested and is neg or pos tell him that you are sorry to put him through this, but you had to tell him.  If you care madly about this guy like you explain that you do tell him as soon as possible.  yes he will be angry, but at least he knows your status and that he should get tested himself.  take care!

Offline whatwasithinking

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Re: crazy,confused,can't even think...thanks you all
« Reply #17 on: April 20, 2008, 08:54:51 PM »

I'm so sorry to hear that.  I can't imagine what you're feeling right now.  I married a man who was HIV poz.  I am negative.  I know what it feels like to be freaking out thinking that you have it while you wait for your results.  I was only married to him for a year.  I couldn't do it for the very reason of what I just read from you.  It wouldn't have been if.  More like when.  Ya know.  I know the meds are better though than what they were a long time ago.  I will put you in my prayeres.

 


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