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Author Topic: Depression is such a trip  (Read 9053 times)

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Offline shadowfluid

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Depression is such a trip
« on: March 29, 2008, 05:27:46 AM »
Here I am thinking it has gone away for almost good and then it comes back for no reason. I'm still in therapy and all and everything in my life is calming down. What gives? I'm so frustrated.  It started leveling off in january and I was sooooo down the last three days for no reason.  Such a trip.  Everything in life seems to come in waves.
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline dgr20002

  • Member
  • Posts: 288
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2008, 07:39:21 AM »
Hang in there shadow. Yeah things come in waves and they also can go away just as quickly.

David

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,383
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2008, 08:48:27 AM »
...and keep talking in therapy. Sometimes even when you don't immediately see shifts and changes, putting thoughts and feelings into words makes a difference. It's like going to the gym verbally. You get better at it through practicing.

And keep talking here as well.

Have a good Saturday.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline AndyArrow

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,196
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2008, 09:55:25 AM »
I know exactly what you mean about it coming up on you fast.  Several months ago I was very depressed and in poor health.  I started a new regimen and my health and mood really improved.  I'm thrilled to say my health is still good all things considered but I've been very depressed lately and will be starting medication for depression.  I hope things calm down for you soon.

AA
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,302
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2008, 10:17:20 AM »
Well, hon, at least you know you're in good company.  This sad lot knows all about some depression.  If you ask me, it's often like the chicken and the egg when it comes to HIV. 

Thank goodness for the emergency kindness of one true forums sweetpea with some Wellbutrin while I waited for a doc's appointment.  I was at the point of coming completely unglued as I watched TV and contemplated just how much cotton really was "the fabric of our lives".

Ugh.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline DCGUY2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 315
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2008, 01:46:24 AM »
I can relate to your post. I think some of us are just prone to depression. Sometimes I can see my depression coming back. I have listed some activities to do when I start to feel depressed . It doesn't always work though.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2008, 01:50:53 AM by DCGUY2007 »

Offline mcva54pr

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2008, 12:55:19 PM »
 :( I have been in depresion since 1994 and I wish I had a magic wand just to feel normal
for ONE DAY.  I'm a great actress and for many years have pulled it though but right now I
at my edge.  I've tried everything and I mean everything
and it won't go away.  I feel like I'm being obligated to live a normal life with no complaints
when inside I have been dead for years.  We have to enjoy the good moments even if they
just last a few hours because this is not going away.  Depression is part of my HIV package.
I

Offline stella8940

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2008, 07:52:47 PM »
Here I am thinking it has gone away for almost good and then it comes back for no reason. I'm still in therapy and all and everything in my life is calming down. What gives? I'm so frustrated.  It started leveling off in january and I was sooooo down the last three days for no reason.  Such a trip.  Everything in life seems to come in waves.
[Hey Shadow, Something you really need to know about depression is that a lot of times it is the chemicals in your brain that are just deciding to do whatever they want. Its not a reflection of you as a person or your personality. I have to stay on anti depressants because this is what happend to me, maybe it will never go away, but I know its not my fault, and I have enough to deal with! So Blame it on the chemicals on your brain, take the meds and move on with what you really want in life!   ;)quote]

Offline Central79

  • Member
  • Posts: 527
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2008, 08:24:48 AM »
Hey Mike

Glad to hear that your life is improving, even if your mood is not. I think that's one of the most alarming aspects of depression - it makes me feel such a freak to be unhappy when everything around me is going comparatively well. And it's scary in another way as it feels as though it has a life of its own and nothing I do is going to make it better.

I go to therapy every weekday (5 x a week) and have been doing that for more than 2 years now. I have definitely noticed that whilst I still get massive swings in mood, the general trend has been up. It's taken that long of that kind of intensive therapy to see it though. Like Andy said, it's like going to the gym - there's a lag time and there are days you still feel fat.

I've accepted now that I will always be in some kind of therapy - and that that's what I want too. I hope to stop my analysis one day and move down to something a little less intense as it's very time consuming and expensive. But I think I will always want to be in something once weekly.

All the best,

Matt.
Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 23,882
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2008, 01:48:04 PM »
Therapy every day during the week?  The most I get is once per month.  If I'm really depressed I pop a sedative and smoke a cig.

Question is:  were you depressed BEFORE HIV or after?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline shadowfluid

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2008, 03:14:35 PM »
Hang in there shadow. Yeah things come in waves and they also can go away just as quickly.

David
thanks! I think you are right. :)
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline shadowfluid

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2008, 03:22:56 PM »
Therapy every day during the week?  The most I get is once per month.  If I'm really depressed I pop a sedative and smoke a cig.

Question is:  were you depressed BEFORE HIV or after?
I like this question so I shall answer it even though it's not directed at me.
I would get bouts of depressions through boredom (summers off school) or from extreme poverty. They would usually subside in a few weeks or a month.
I would eat less and sleep more. So I guess it's a somewhat different depression compared to this one.

 Had my first panic attack a few years ago so when I was diagnosed and unemployed with no savings... it was panic attack central.  My issues since I have been little are rooted in anxiety.  I realized I was depressed because I was crying on my birthday at the dinner table at a restaurant with my best friend.  It was like I had a cold everyday...overall groggy feeling...extreme irritablity...and my body would NOT let me get a full 7 hours like I'm used to..but exactly 6 hours of sleep.   Then there were the emails I sent out late at night to friends asking them if I was worthless.

There was the confusion and depersonalization and extreme anxiety that would happen all at once and I remember performing on stage and not knowing where I was or what i was doing.  I had to lift a fellow female dancer and I completely dropped her.  Anxiety/Depression made my blood sugar levels go waaay below normal and I'd find myself wanting to cry if I waited too long to eat.  Most of those symptoms are gone.  Oh and don't forget no libido and extreme hunger.  Clinical depression is a trip...but xanax has always had an antidepressant effect on me so i wonder if my issues are mainly anxiety.  It comes back sometimes after a few days of high anxiety.  i think I've always been prone to depression.  I never really "understood" clinical depression till now.
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline shadowfluid

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2008, 03:25:31 PM »
Hey Mike

Glad to hear that your life is improving, even if your mood is not. I think that's one of the most alarming aspects of depression - it makes me feel such a freak to be unhappy when everything around me is going comparatively well. And it's scary in another way as it feels as though it has a life of its own and nothing I do is going to make it better.

I go to therapy every weekday (5 x a week) and have been doing that for more than 2 years now. I have definitely noticed that whilst I still get massive swings in mood, the general trend has been up. It's taken that long of that kind of intensive therapy to see it though. Like Andy said, it's like going to the gym - there's a lag time and there are days you still feel fat.

I've accepted now that I will always be in some kind of therapy - and that that's what I want too. I hope to stop my analysis one day and move down to something a little less intense as it's very time consuming and expensive. But I think I will always want to be in something once weekly.

All the best,

Matt.
Wow that's intense.  Once  a week for 6 months seemed intense for me....but I felt twice a week would have been better esp. during the difficult times.  But I would just make a list and bring it in and try to hit all those things within the 50 minutes...we usually did. So it was nice.
My sessions end on Tuesday and I'm a little nervous. This was my first time in therapy ever ...I really liked it and I was very enthusiastic about it.  Have a great day! -Michael
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline shadowfluid

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2008, 03:26:58 PM »
:( I have been in depresion since 1994 and I wish I had a magic wand just to feel normal
for ONE DAY.  I'm a great actress and for many years have pulled it though but right now I
at my edge.  I've tried everything and I mean everything
and it won't go away.  I feel like I'm being obligated to live a normal life with no complaints
when inside I have been dead for years.  We have to enjoy the good moments even if they
just last a few hours because this is not going away.  Depression is part of my HIV package.
I
I find that just leaving my apartment helps.  And dancing.
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline shadowfluid

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #14 on: April 06, 2008, 03:28:47 PM »
Thanks to everyone who responded. I was on vacation in the Bay Area and realized gas was $4.20/gallon (and no blunt came with the gas ---I kid!). So i came right home. Oh well.
I shall take a better vacation this summer.  Sorry I took so long to respond is what I meant to say!
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline Central79

  • Member
  • Posts: 527
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2008, 10:59:35 AM »
Question is:  were you depressed BEFORE HIV or after?

I was depressed before. But I got into once weekly therapy about 4 years ago because I was having problems committing to relationships as well as studying and I wanted to explore that. I wasn't incredibly depressed until I was diagnosed out of the blue in January 2006. I had agreed to start going 5x a week before being diagnosed, mainly because the once-weekly stuff had uncovered lots of things I was interested in exploring further. It was more a lifestyle thing than a psychiatric thing back then.

I'm glad it was there and set up - it started about a week after my diagnosis and probably saved my life through the first year, when I was radically unhappy. And it still helps me work out where I went wrong and keeps me safer than I would otherwise be - I can be pretty self-destructive both consciously and sub-consciously.

I think therapy is like anti-depressants. You have to experiment and see what works best for you. At the moment I'm doing intensive therapy and avoiding pills. I don't know how long that will last.

Matt.
Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832

Offline sharkdiver

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2008, 09:05:41 PM »
Hey Shadow,

ya know i worked out a lot of stuff through dance and my choreography with the dance company I was in. I got several grants to produce pieces centered around HIV so you might want to check into that when you are ready. I found dance could express feelings my words could not. I have been in somewhat of a dark time with my choreograpy (also it's been a couple years since I have danced). It's time for me to move onto strength and hope.

just thought I'd throw that out,
Sharkie

Offline Tempeboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 356
  • Like St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to Poverty
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #17 on: April 08, 2008, 12:49:12 AM »
Hey Shadow,

Don't forget you have recently started meds.  The induction period (starting time) is fraught with all sorts of icky side effects - especially mood and energy.  So in this regard things should start looking up soon.

In the mean time sedatives and cigarettes are always a girls best friend.

What do you do for giggles?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYVT1-xz5LM

Roughly roundabout somewhere in the eighteenth or nineteenth century, Sodomite begat Homosexual out of moral, medical and legal models, bequeathing him Identity, who inbred with Nuclear Family and Industrialism to spawn Homophobia.

Dean Kiley

Offline shadowfluid

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #18 on: April 08, 2008, 03:35:55 AM »
Hey Shadow,

ya know i worked out a lot of stuff through dance and my choreography with the dance company I was in. I got several grants to produce pieces centered around HIV so you might want to check into that when you are ready. I found dance could express feelings my words could not. I have been in somewhat of a dark time with my choreograpy (also it's been a couple years since I have danced). It's time for me to move onto strength and hope.

just thought I'd throw that out,
Sharkie

I'm just finishing up my BA in Dance (modern/ballet) and dance in a modern company.  I just never wanted to channel that type of shit into movement.
I'm more of a movement for movement sake person I guess.  Choreography is still new to me...kind of intimidating. Just finished my first duet ever and I was very pleased with it.  I shall post soon.
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline shadowfluid

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #19 on: April 08, 2008, 03:38:17 AM »
Hey Shadow,

Don't forget you have recently started meds.  The induction period (starting time) is fraught with all sorts of icky side effects - especially mood and energy.  So in this regard things should start looking up soon.

In the mean time sedatives and cigarettes are always a girls best friend.

What do you do for giggles?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYVT1-xz5LM

I love me some cigarettes.  And sedatives.  I have less energy and the morning dose of Viramune knocks me out and I totally get joint pain from it too which sucks. Oh and drunk off 2 beers.  The sudden unexplained lower tolerance to caffeine is fabulous every couple of weeks.  The slight facial swelling and mini mild rashes bug me.  My doc thinks I'm making this shit up.  He said I could try taking it all at night...but that seems like to much drugs in the system.  I'm giving it till the end of May.  I hate being this tired. 


edited: typo
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,766
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #20 on: April 08, 2008, 03:57:33 PM »
I certainly can relate to your feelings ... I went through some very dark days with depression .
After I began to feel better and the cloud lifted I looked over my shoulder for a good year or two afraid that it may return . I finally learned to live more for the moment and I'm not so concerned anymore .

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,103
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #21 on: April 22, 2008, 07:48:25 AM »
Depression and me are like Siamese twins. I am never without it.
My emotional life looks like a balancing act of Charlie Chaplin. Though I always seem to keep my balance, I am going through mild and severe moodswings every single day.

But as mcva puts it :
Quote
I feel like I'm being obligated to live a normal life with no complaints
when inside I have been dead for years.  We have to enjoy the good moments even if they
just last a few hours because this is not going away.  Depression is part of my HIV package.
HIV and depression yes yes yes

In my observation I am a spectator, rather then an actor in my own life. It often feels as if i "see" myself talking to friends and live my daily life instead of really participating in it. Which , of course, works truly alienating.

I have been in therapy since July 2007, twice weekly. When asking my psy wether he thought I was improving he answered : your winter in life seems everlasting.
Oh yes, I do have good days and bad days, but they never seem to be smooth.

I have been depressed since 1989. Too many emotional losses and financial losses I guess.
But accepting that my " I have lived my life" feeling will stick to me till I finally pass away is a burden to carry.

There always is a genuine feeling of sadness with me and even in my brightest moments I can see it peak behind the blue skies.

To finalise : depression is not only a trip, it is my life.

Love
Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline ubotts

  • Member
  • Posts: 347
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2008, 10:59:03 AM »
I was just put on Zoloft 50 Mg's a day..

It took a few weeks before I felt anything, but has helped me immensely..

I got depressed from being on meds, and having them juggle my cocktails around
till they get it right...

I just started a new regime of treatment, and I hope it works out OK..

Being up and down with meds, will make you lose your mind and feel like shyt, and that
made me very depressed...

Finally, my doctor suggested I see there therapist, and so far so good..

If you need them take them...

I didn't want to be on depression pills, due to my mom being bi polar, and watching what she went though and how the meds changed her body .....

I didn't want to be
like my mom. I guess we all say that, but its true, we become our mothers in time..

My depression was from being hiv...

Before that I was a drug addict, and that took away the blues for me..
Yes a bag or two of herion, took all the pain away in those earlier years for me, but
you cant go on being a junkie forever.....So I stopped after 18 yrs, and have been clean
since 1991..........

That's one thing in my life I am proud of..

But being hiv is no picnic in the park. Alot of ups and downs, but eventually you learn to
go with the flow (that is, after taking Zoloft)

I believe hiv cause alot of frustration for us all, and if you do become depressed..Please
go for help..

Ask yourself, what can I lose...the answer is nothing.. ;)

Live Love Laugh and dance like no ones watching.
Laughter is the best medicine, so try to have a laugh everyday..Even if your not feeling your best, think about something that was funny at one time in your life and work with it..   :o)

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Depression is such a trip
« Reply #23 on: April 25, 2008, 04:57:23 PM »
I was just put on Zoloft 50 Mg's a day..

It took a few weeks before I felt anything, but has helped me immensely..

I got depressed from being on meds, and having them juggle my cocktails around
till they get it right...

I just started a new regime of treatment, and I hope it works out OK..

Being up and down with meds, will make you lose your mind and feel like shyt, and that
made me very depressed...

Finally, my doctor suggested I see there therapist, and so far so good..

If you need them take them...

I didn't want to be on depression pills, due to my mom being bi polar, and watching what she went though and how the meds changed her body .....

I didn't want to be
like my mom. I guess we all say that, but its true, we become our mothers in time..

My depression was from being hiv...

Before that I was a drug addict, and that took away the blues for me..
Yes a bag or two of herion, took all the pain away in those earlier years for me, but
you cant go on being a junkie forever.....So I stopped after 18 yrs, and have been clean
since 1991..........

That's one thing in my life I am proud of..

But being hiv is no picnic in the park. Alot of ups and downs, but eventually you learn to
go with the flow (that is, after taking Zoloft)

I believe hiv cause alot of frustration for us all, and if you do become depressed..Please
go for help..

Ask yourself, what can I lose...the answer is nothing.. ;)



Good for you! ;)..............I Admire & Respect your 18yr sobriety  ;)....................we all need to grow up and face living with HIV and what it really means  :)
« Last Edit: April 26, 2008, 01:42:16 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

 


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