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My day

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Ann:
Hello people,

I rarely post about my own trips to see my hiv doc. I go every six weeks, once to have bloods drawn and the next time to get my lab results. Yep, I wait six weeks - this time it will be seven - to find out my results.

I'm really sorry that my clinic appointment today conflicted with your needs here in the forum. Please forgive me, but it couldn't be helped as I don't like to cancel. You see, it's not just canceling my appointment, it's also canceling a plane flight and taxis to and from the airports. The airfare is non-refundable.

I had really hoped the thread Aldous started would have ended differently. I hoped that he would see that he didn't need to use inflammatory language to get his point across. I probably should have just kept my big friggin mouth shut - but I didn't know that just when I'd really need my wits about me, I'd get one of my cricket bat headaches. Sorry, I should have known.

I only got two hours of sleep last night before I had to be up - leaving plenty of time to spare for my ritual morning gut explosions to settle down - to jump in a taxi at 6:15 am. It was hotter than blazes in Liverpool today and as most places aren't air conditioned, tempers were flaring everywhere. At least I finally managed to convince my doc that I need to see an hiv experienced GYN doc because I'm sick and tired of being incapacitated for two weeks out of every four for the past four years.

(And it ain't easy to bring up menstrual problems in a room full of men... gay or straight.)

Anyway, I'd hoped that we could all have a discussion about the need for a little more support for people who identify for heterosexuals. Not in this forum, because this forum is second to none, no matter who you are, but in real life, where we access our services. I'm not talking about anyone having more entitlement that anyone else, or whatever prejudice or phobia or what the hell ever, I'm just talking about our differing needs. Hiv is, after all, a sexually transmitted infection and we have different ways of having sex - and we're built differently too. Simple as that. Like I said, it can be difficult to bring up menstrual problems in a room full of men. I am NOT advocating any kind of segregation. Some specialised support CAN be offered alongside general, "we're all in this together" support, and I know this to be true because it is a reality for some groups.

You know, just because I tried to pick up on what I assumed to be the crux of Aldous's post, doesn't mean I agreed with his delivery - or even all of his ideas. I was trying to find a common ground and I was hoping he's take the hint and tone down. I guess I fucked up.

Anyway, I'm bone-tired and headachy and I'm getting off the track here. My daughter just came in as well and I'm having a really tough time keeping my train of thought, so please bear with me.

On clinic days, I get up at 4:30 am and leave the house by 6:15 am. I don't get back home until between 8:30 and nine pm. It's a long day.

What do I come home to today? A pm chewing me out for daring to speak my mind to anther forum member - chastising me as though I am a child. I look in the forum and I find I'm being accused of being homophobic and racist. Yeah, right, whatever. All because I dared to say that as a straight white woman I sometimes feel marginalised when accessing hiv services. I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to voice my personal experience and feelings. My bad.

And then to top it off, I read this: "Ann, maybe you should do your job.  We need more sensitivity like this." My job? I rarely take a day off from this forum. RARELY. In fact, I take one day - and even then it's not usually a full day - off every six weeks. That's less than one day a month, for my clinic appointment that I have to get on an airplane at the crack of dawn to get to. Furthermore, I do NOT get paid for what I do here. I do it out of my belief in this forum as a source of support for everyone and anyone who lives with hiv. As a place where marginalised and isolated people can get a modicum of support.

I was also told in a PM that "These days more often than not you just get in the way. You just wipe the arses of Worried Wells." I just wipe the asses of the Worried Wells? Excuse me, but I though I was doing my bit for hiv prevention education.

If I'm not always as articulate as I want and need to be, or as articulate as YOU want and need me to be, I'm sorry. I'm a human being too and I'm not perfect. I'm also living with hiv and I have shitty days when I'm not in the best of humour. I made a balls up of getting my point across in Aldous's thread - but shit happens and I would have thought with my track record here people would realise and cut me a little slack.

I'm not going to stomp off in a rage, vowing to never post again. This site means too much to me to do that. I just want you guys to know I'm a human being with good bits and rough bits just like the rest of you. And I live with hiv too and sometimes I need to take time out from "doing my job" here to look after my own health needs. And sometimes I don't make my point very well, as I obviously didn't in that thread.

OK?

Ann

And yes, I know this post is disjointed and probably a bit garbled, but I really needed to get this off my chest.

fearless:
You're a good stick Ann  :-*
little Steve

jkinatl2:
{{{{Ann}}}}}

It's ok to be off. Even off-duty.

Lisa:
I am concerned for you, and I love you.
There have been unkind things said, and done over the last couple of days. I have every faith, that all of us care that you had a really bad day.
I know you are tired tonite, but I'm glad to hear that your daughter is home for a visit. Take some time to relax, and enjoy your visit with her.
 I can only think of a few rare instances of your not being here at some point of every day.
I think that says so much more about your character, and dedication.
I hope your bloods are roger, and you two have a nice visit.
 :-*

 Wonder Weasel ;D

Ann:
Lisa,

I wish she was just home for a visit... she's home for the summer. :o She came in from an evening with her mates when I was in the middle of posting and wanted to know about my day and tell me about hers. My head was spinning. I love her really. :D

I think I'm overtired and wound up. If I still drank, I'd have a nightcap and go to bed. Think I'll fish out my rubber mallet.

Thanks for listening to my rant guys. I needed that this evening.

Ann


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