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Author Topic: breaking up my family  (Read 9653 times)

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Offline ademas

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,151
breaking up my family
« on: March 12, 2008, 11:39:46 PM »
I hope y'all don't mind that I post this here and not in the "Living with HIV" forum.  I'm more comfortable with it here for some reason.

For nearly the last decade I've lived with my gay brother.  About five years of that time his partner lived with us as well, but their relationship ended a few years ago.

So it's just been my brother, myself, 2 cats, and my dog for the past few years.  There's no financial benefit outside of your standard roommate arrangement.  We split rent and all costs 50/50.

It's comfortable.  He's a good brother, and my closest friend, and a huge part of my support network.

Today I received a letter from the state about new eligibility requirements for ADAP.  As of April 1st, 2008, they will factor in all income from any family member you live with into your "income and resources" that determines your eligibility. 

So, it appears we will each have to move and find apartments of our own. 

My brother doesn't make a lot of money, and lord knows my SSDI isn't all that much, but together they put us $150 - $200 over the maximum monthly income (mostly his income, of course...)

If he were a roommate and not my brother, it would be no problem.  If I had a domestic partner earning the same amount, it would also be no problem.  It's only because he's my brother.

I can't begin to tell you how much this sucks, and how much I'm going to miss him.


Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2008, 11:44:54 PM »
Oh jeeez honey. That's just terrible.

:-*

MtD
(Who loves his brother too)

Offline AlanBama

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  • Posts: 3,647
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2008, 11:54:30 PM »
Oh honey, that is so awful.   It makes me sick.  Is there any way you can "lie" about it?   Like when filling out forms, household size is ONE.   Are they actually going to check?   I just think that's horrible, and totally unfair.

Might be cheaper to legally change your last name....I don't know, just grasping at straws here.   As someone who is dependent on "the system" I know what you are going through. 

Keep us posted on what decisions you make about this mess.

Alan   :'(
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline BT65

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Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2008, 08:00:09 AM »
I am so sorry about this terrible turn-of-events.  I agree with Alan, is there anything you can tweek?  I myself have thwarted the truth in the past on occasion, when it was the only way to survive.  No one would think bad of you, believe me.

Stuff like this makes me so damn mad.  The system makes it so hard for people to have a decent life.  Please keep us updated. :-*
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Texan38

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  • Posts: 686
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2008, 10:14:32 AM »
Oh, I'm soo terribly sorry to hear about that....huge hug going your way:-*
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline bear60

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Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2008, 10:52:21 AM »
Oh this is just awful. I really feel for you.
One thing comes to mind....you live in Seattle? So this is a Washington State ADAP decision?
What are the possibilities of the TWO of you moving to another city where ADAP rules permit the two of you to live together?  I mean its just a thought. 
Portland?
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline ademas

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Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2008, 11:12:57 AM »
Thanks you guys...y'all made me a little weepy first thing in the morning, and that's so not my style.  I really appreciate the replies.

I put in a call to my caseworker yesterday after I got the letter, and she's going to call her state EIP contact and try to get some clarification.  The letter is pretty cut and dry, though, and they're not known for being particularly flexible, so I'm not expecting much.

It would be a different story (maybe) if my brother owned his own home and earned six figures a year, and let me live there rent free or dirt cheap.  He doesn't.  He earns 36k a year and we rent, and he's up to his eyeballs in debt.

Oh well.  I'll wait and see what the caseworker tells me today, and we'll take it from there. 

Roll with the punches...right? 

Online Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2008, 11:19:38 AM »
  That really sucks ... I live on ssi and I have medicare/ medicaid . Every year I have to fill out forms for the medicaid program stating that I receive no outside help from family or friends... I tell them I get no help from anyone and they have never checked . I always qualify for the extra help.

Offline AlanBama

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  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2008, 12:05:30 PM »
I thought about this a lot last night.

Honey, I really don't think there is going to be much going on in the way of "fact checking".   Your state's overburdoned ADAP caseworkers simply don't have time to verify each tidbit of information on everybody's forms.

Say they did look at DL records, or such...still no way to prove your brother has income!

Just a thought.


Hugs, Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Dachshund

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  • Posts: 5,999
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2008, 02:22:39 PM »
As all of accessing ADAP know, the rules and regulations grow bigger as budgets grow smaller. I'm with everyone else advocating fibbing if it won't jeopardize your benefits. I suggest getting his name off the lease.

I don't want you to get in trouble but enough is enough.

Please let us know because I sense very rough waters ahead for everyone on ADAP.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2008, 06:00:41 PM »
This is heartbreaking. Breaking up a family on a technicality like that while god knows  how many fat cats and politicos who come up with this evil stuff are rolling in perks and all sorts of extras.

You've probably looked into all of the possibilities. I'm just wondering if some empathetic and smart social worker or other can't come  up with an alternative.

I could go postal over this kind of injustice.

Hugs to you and your brother, buddy.

Andy Velez

Offline sharkdiver

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Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2008, 09:03:42 PM »


I really don't know what to say, except that really bites.

sharkie

Offline dgr20002

  • Member
  • Posts: 288
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2008, 10:21:06 PM »
At first glance it looks like your brother needs a friend that can say he lives with them, if ever asked. If he is on your lease remove him and get one of those generic lease forms from a bookstore or online and print it and have he and the friend sign it sating he lives with the friend. If need be have a bit of mail go to the friends place and then you two carry on as usual. If asked then he simply stays from time to time to help you with household chores to hang out play scrabble whatever.

I agree that it is unlikely anyone will check.  The way you put it is that he cant live with you and contribute income. If he doesnt live with you whats to stop him from paying toward the place you live. 

I myself am a very honest person but at the same time wont let our screwed up system screw me over if I can help it.

Best of luck,

David

Offline mjmel

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Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #13 on: March 15, 2008, 05:46:57 AM »
This really bites! Angers me. That is the dumbest move I've heard of yet....to deny an important supportive aspect of your case in the name of bureaucracy and red tape. What's wrong with the people in your state? Don't they have anything else to do but sit behind desks and make up new rules and regulations? To what end? This is not going to curb fraud. What a stupid, insensitive move on their part.
BTW, I disagree with using deceptive means. Don't put yourself in a position of losing funding. It would be too costly, if discovered. However, must confess, those were my first thoughts.  ;)

Hugs and a buncha strenght,
Mike
« Last Edit: March 15, 2008, 05:49:30 AM by mjmel »

Offline ademas

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,151
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2008, 09:51:20 AM »
I talked to both my caseworker and the person assigned to my case at EIP yesterday.

It appears that they've cast a very wide net with this letter, and that it may still be possible to live with my brother as a "roommate" as long as we are not dependent on eachother financially. 

I have another person to call on Monday, but if this is the case, it will be a huge relief.

Meanwhile...very little sleep for me...

Offline Snowangel

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  • Posts: 1,413
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2008, 10:04:44 AM »
Hi Ademas-
I would be very suprised if these people did come and check. Even if they did, they would probably send a letter telling you when, lord knows, they hate to waste thier own time.  When they cast a wide net they only catch the honest people, unforutanately.  Do you both recieve mail at your apartment?  Would it be possible for him to get a P.O. Box ?  I hate that this kind of crap goes on especially when the pencil pushers have no idea what they are doing and who they are affecting.  I wish you the best and good luck with your call on Monday.
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline CaptCarl

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  • Posts: 1,114
  • Located in the Palinsville subdivision, JesusLand
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2008, 10:24:47 AM »
Hi Ademas,
   This is a really fucked up situation that they have pit you and your brother in. But somehow it is unsurprising.... I would do as Snowangel suggests, get him a PO Box or a friend that is willing to say that your brother lives with them and use that address. It's ridiculous that you are forced to lie like this in order for you to keep your family together, but if that's what's needed then do it, and do it without feeling guilty, or that you are doing something wrong, 'cuz your not. In a similar situation, I have a friend here who has to get a divorce from her husband so that they can get affordable health insurance for their two kids. They can't afford the premiums anymore, so they will get divorced so that my friend will keep the kids, so that as a single parent, she will be able to get Medicare for the kids. They will all still live together of course. But I think that it really is very fucked up, and sad that in our country, good and honest people are being forced to resort to dishonesty in order to get by >:( Good lick, and let us know how things turn out.


CaptCarl
The only thing I can do straight is shoot..

Offline Miss Philicia

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  • Posts: 24,513
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #17 on: March 15, 2008, 12:09:25 PM »
I have a feeling that it will work out with some creative tweaking.  It's not like your brother is supporting you financially.  Just a reminder to us all to be aware of such shenanigans and to get our ducks in order even if it means using your brothers middle name and saying it's just a non-relation -- of course you would have needed to do that years ago, but it's just an example.

I'm still personally wondering why I've never had to have my ADAP re-certified in the past 7 years -- well except when they did intake for me in Pennsylvania when I moved from NYC.  Other than that I've never had to do anything yearly.  Seems rather out of the ordinary from what I read on this board.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,413
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #18 on: March 15, 2008, 12:23:31 PM »
I'm still personally wondering why I've never had to have my ADAP re-certified in the past 7 years -- well except when they did intake for me in Pennsylvania when I moved from NYC.  Other than that I've never had to do anything yearly.  Seems rather out of the ordinary from what I read on this board.
You might just be lucky, Philly!
I have to fill out the papers every year for me and my 4 kids and my SO doesn't ever have to and we are all on the same thing.   :-\
This past year for my oldest son, they kept sending me these letters that his insurance would be cut off they didn't receive proof that he was a US citizen.  Each time I got one of these letters I would call and ask what they needed and each time they all told me something different, one even wanted a school ID which he doesn't have, he is only in 3rd grade.  I must have sent them his birth certificate and social security card 5x's in the last year.  I am willing to bet I will get the same letter again next year.  How they could think at 9 yrs of age he changed his citizenship all of a sudden, is beyond me ???
Snow

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,429
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #19 on: March 15, 2008, 12:39:13 PM »
Ademas,

I think the situation sucks. Big Time! I hope it works out. I don't have any suggestions that haven't already been proposed.

I hate this, but as Doxie said, as the money gets tighter, the rules get stiffer.

I had to tell a husband and wife last year that, should the wife continue to receive bonuses and raises, they would have to divorce or the husband would lose his benefits.

I will be crossing my fingers for you.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 25,374
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2008, 07:03:12 PM »
Hate to use sex negative terms, but this situation sucks so badly that I would suggest getting your friggin' mayor, Congressional representative and anyone else you can think of in on this to help out. I'm not kidding. There has to be a solution. Don't give up and don't give in. Let those gd bureaucrats make themselves into heros by finding a solution for you. Really. 

Thinking of you and fingers crossed.

Cheers
Andy Velez

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,278
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2008, 05:40:43 AM »
Hello,

Not much to add to what others have already stated to you. I just hope this situation gets resolved. It saddens and angers me to no end...


Take care of yourself------Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 12/10/14,  t-cells are at 350,  Previous 8/25/14--- 402/ Viral load remains <40

 Current % is at 13% / Previous 8/25/14 11%

  
 63 years young.

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #22 on: April 09, 2008, 07:05:43 AM »
I talked to both my caseworker and the person assigned to my case at EIP yesterday.

It appears that they've cast a very wide net with this letter, and that it may still be possible to live with my brother as a "roommate" as long as we are not dependent on eachother financially. 

I have another person to call on Monday, but if this is the case, it will be a huge relief.

Meanwhile...very little sleep for me...


Have you an update on this? Are you still together?
I live in Texas, and have lived with my sister for 12 years. I claim her as my dependent on Income Tax and she receives Medicaid. She is paralyzed from the waist down and has 'other issues'...LOTS of other issues, but she was in a nursing home 'going crazy' so we decided to live together to get her out of there. She receives SSI..which ain't much...definitely not enough to live on without help from somewhere....My mother bought a house, we widened the doorways and put in a ramp and I pay Mom rent, buy the food and my sister's toiletries. My sister pays all the utilities. We have never had any problems such as you are bringing up, so I wonder if this is a regional thing, as I am now not working and am applying for SSDI and am always on the lookout for 'rakes' in the grass. I would really like to know if you were able to reslove this predicament to your satisfaction. (Sometimes, we get a lot of weird letters from agencies that cause us great alarm and keeping a cool head and a zipper on lips and emotions, we make calls and ninety nine point nine percent of the time, it is just a 'computer generated letter that doesn't mean anything....please ignore it' O.O
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,647
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #23 on: April 10, 2008, 10:39:40 PM »
ademas, your situation has been on my mind....just wondering what has developed.

I hope you have found a way to stay together.

hugs,

Alan  :-*
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline positively_me

  • Member
  • Posts: 87
  • love me...love my monkey
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #24 on: April 11, 2008, 12:24:36 AM »
I would like to add that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your brother.  I am hoping you will update everyone soon with good news.

How come the US is always sending money to help people in foreign countries that have hiv/aids but it's own infected/affected citizens are struggling?  It makes me angry to hear about people who are just trying to get through each day and have to face these kinds of struggles.

It, as my favourite expression puts it, "Sucks donkey dick!!!"   >:(
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.  - Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #25 on: April 11, 2008, 04:18:43 AM »
who makes this shit up? How fucking idiotic. it's like they look for ways to fuck with people with HIV. This makes absolutely no sense. I want to punch someone in the face really hard. I can only imagine how you feel.


Some effed up shit!

Good luck...and oh yeah....sometimes, if there is a will, ther is a way!
Positive since 1985

Offline ademas

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,151
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #26 on: April 11, 2008, 06:30:50 PM »
Hi guys.

Thanks for the well wishes.

I think we're okay.  They've told me twice now that I need to report that he's my brother, but then explain that we split all costs, and that neither of us is supporting the other financially.  Fortunately, our finances are completely separate, so I can easily prove that if need be.

We're due to sign a new lease the end of this month (1-year), so I'm going to call one more time right before that happens.

I also have email confirmations from my caseworker and lots of good notes (who I called, dates, etc.) to document everything I've been told, so we are proceeding.

Thanks again!

Offline rondrond

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,712
Re: breaking up my family
« Reply #27 on: April 11, 2008, 09:51:59 PM »
That is sounding more like my situation. Very good. I'm glad that you are getting it worked out. Yes. There is nothing like documentation/proof. I save everything.
Glad to hear it..

A memory just hit me....I even had to prove that she was my sister...make sure you have copies of your birth certificates. ;D
« Last Edit: April 11, 2008, 09:53:38 PM by rondrond »
"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was"
Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV
1993
AZT
Norvir
1994-2001
Crixivan/Epivir/Zerit
No Meds for 7 Years

04jul07/DVT-right leg/Bi Lateral PE's     
16oct08/DVT-left leg
Sept '09  6 blood clots in left arm
Coumadin 5mgs
                                     
Atenolol/50mg/2x
Hydrochlorth 25mg/1x
Gemfibrozil/300mgs/2X
Symbicort
Proventil Inhaler
Potassium
Rhinocort


*APR 08~Viramune/Truvada
March08  CD4 330 23% VL 452.000 
*Jan09 Med change~Epzicom/Viramune

Aug09   CD4 523 23%  VL<48
Diagnosed: COPD
Dec 2013: CD4 645 45% VL 49
Med Change: Viramune/Epivir/Ziagen/Isentress

 


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