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Author Topic: Reasons for living  (Read 12586 times)

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Offline xyahka

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  • Posts: 778
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Reasons for living
« on: February 29, 2008, 01:00:22 PM »
Well... i haven't been often here for a while cause i have been in my own journey.... Although i have reached a point where i have some things to ask. Have been visiting my psychologist often lately in order to fight a severe depression for couple of months which included suicidal thoughts.

I was suppoused to be fine right now. Which is sort of true... i am not thinking in shooting a gun in my head every 5 mins anymore :) but now i have reached the other point (or perhaps the same point from a different point of view). I'm not thinking in taking my life now... but i don't find reasons for living.

I have reached a point where i have given up from all the things i wanted to do in life...professional career.... travelling.... make money.... looking for love.... it seems almost everything lost value. This together with lot of problems in my recent jobs, lack of results in my current one... some period of unemployment that lead me to almost lose my medical coverage (gotta fix this shit yet).... being ill monthly, bankrupt... and stuff like that have push me until the edge. Where i am not embracing my faith anymore.

And well... sorry for all the text... but the thing is... I wonder...

what keeps you living? What is the reason why you wake up everyday? What is good enough to make you fight when in my point of view leaving this place where nothing else can hurt you anymore would be the best... I want to be in peace and i don't find it.... and then i wonder why should i keep on fighting? If we are all going to die some day... why not make it sooner?... it could save me so much pain.

i would appreciate if we don't take this from religious point of view and also avoiding "everything is a miracle" type of answers please. I know everything is a miracle... but that still does not make me feel the desire to keep on living. What makes you go through all the pain and desire to stay here yet? I wonder... so i can start looking for it.
« Last Edit: February 29, 2008, 01:11:28 PM by xyahka »
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline thunter34

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #1 on: February 29, 2008, 01:28:43 PM »
i would appreciate if we don't take this from religious point of view and also avoiding "everything is a miracle" type of answers please. I know everything is a miracle... but that still does not make me feel the desire to keep on living. What makes you go through all the pain and desire to stay here yet? I wonder... so i can start looking for it.

Wow, Juan.  That perspective used to be your calling card.  You really are down in the shit lately, aren't you?
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline John2038

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #2 on: February 29, 2008, 01:51:40 PM »
Among the reasons for living:

- cause when you will be dead, there is nothing you will be able to do. But you can do these things now.
- cause you can always find love
- cause it is possible that in 5-10 years, HIV will be a totally different disease. Thanks to the nano/bio tech
- cause you are not alone and you can be an example
- cause the life is a miracle, and you should open your mind about the chance you are having to be you.

Etc.

May this video be of any help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfULvR2noaE

Just know that if you feel down, well, it's normal for a poz (as well as for anyone with a much worst condition).
But if you feel down, you probably haven't try hard enough to enjoy the life.
You will then have eternity to rest, without warranty you will be back.
So look around, save your life, and enjoy as much as you can buddy.

We are here, all in the same boat :)

Offline xyahka

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #3 on: February 29, 2008, 01:52:21 PM »
Wow, Juan.  That perspective used to be your calling card.  You really are down in the shit lately, aren't you?

I knew my thread would call the attention of people once posted, thats why i tried to make evident that during long time my faith helped me much in the process of dealing with this... but when lot of bad things happen one after another... there is a moment where you cannot stand it anymore and start to question everything around you. I guess i am not the only one nor the first one.

I perhaps still believe in God a little... that might be the reason why i haven't done anything to scape from here. Like I said to Sean the other day "perhaps my Jesus is broken... cause it seems he is not listening to me".

I try to understand and learn how others find reasons to keep on fighting and how could i do the same. I am sure the experience of the long term survivors could help me.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline John2038

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    • HIV Research News (Twitter)
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #4 on: February 29, 2008, 02:04:58 PM »
xyahka

don't say that you Jesus is broken or you will face over-reaction :)


Offline xyahka

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #5 on: February 29, 2008, 02:17:59 PM »
xyahka

don't say that you Jesus is broken or you will face over-reaction :)



Yeah, you are right... this could be the reason why all the bad things are happening to me :D LOL (just kidding)

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline DCGUY2007

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  • Posts: 315
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2008, 11:04:06 AM »
I just saw your message. I have been feeling like you lately. Hiv is difficult to deal with mentally. I have there are some good times and really sad times. I have never been sick with anything yet but just the stress of Hiv mentally is a lot. What sometimes works for me is  exercise. Even if I just go walk around the block a few times. Exercise helps me think clearer and gives me more energy. Also it might help to find some activities you like and keep a list of these activities written down somewhere so you can review them whever you are depressed

I have also found that reading the book called "Feeling Good" by Dr.David Burns has really helped me. 

I can also relate to you regarding religion. I was raised very religious. I went to church three times a week from birth until I was 20 years old. Going to church that much makes religion a very big issue.  I think you will find though as you get older you will rethink everything you knew about religion when you were younger. You will also feel more ok to question some religious beliefs. It can be very difficult and scary.sometimes But you wil find that it is ok to question all the religious beliefs you grew up with. A book that might help you somewhat with this is  "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I have found this book to be very interesting.

I hope you feel better.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2008, 11:12:32 AM by DCGUY2007 »

Offline BT65

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2008, 08:09:31 AM »
I just suck it up and go on.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Peter6836

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  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2008, 09:06:39 AM »
Juan Carlos,
I have to agree with Betty, I just suck it up and keep going. Although I am blessed with people that love me. My parents are wonderful and I enjoy seeing them, talking to them and listening to their stories. My mother was diagnosed with cancer 4 weeks ago and seeing her is a blessing to me, we support each other. My grandson has been a blessing to me. I am now involved in my art work again, I have a goal of a show. I am seeking my bliss, and to me that has become attempting to activate the imaginary life that is within me. Sometimes I have to look deep within to find that imaginary life that I want but I find it and try to act on it. I have been through the financial problems, the medical problems, the social problems, I have lost many things. But I have also gained in retrospect. I encourage you to explore your imagination and create the life that you envision for yourself. I know it is not easy, journal, meditate, dream, dance, talk, do what ever is necessary to put yourself back on that path, on your own personal journey.
With love and respect,
Peter

Offline shadowfluid

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  • Posts: 398
  • Mike
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2008, 02:36:52 PM »
I think about my Mom.  If I offed myself I would ruin her.
Jan 08       321/23%  VL 92,000 (very mild shingles)
Feb 1 08    Start Truvada+Viramune
March 08    470/33%  VL 320
mid-May     Start Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada
June 08      571/ 40%     VL   80
August 08   585/ 33%     VL >50
Nov  Lab error!!!!!!!!wah.
Jan 09        535      Undetectable
March 11     756

Offline Assurbanipal

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  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2008, 08:01:51 PM »
Today was sunny and warm (60 degrees F), melting away the snow from last week.  Beneath the apple tree were 5 clumps of snowdrops (galanthus) each about 2 inches tall  The blossoms hang down and there were BEES -- pulled by the scent but where did they come from? -- pollinating the blooms.  All around them, the daffodil spears are heaving up the mulch, yellow at the base, green on top, reaching for the sun. 

Reason does not push the shoots; life is a force unto itself, light and warmth can trigger it. 

Call your family/friends; picnic in the sun.  Life's brevity is no cause to further shorten it.
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2008, 05:13:50 PM »
Juan, I have missplaced my magic wand so that's not an option. What I have found is when things are very dark, and sometimes the darkness comes in bunches and/or like a tsunami, if I hang in it inevitably changes for the better. And that's how I see the deal. Gotta take the whole thing. Look for things that give you simple pleasures -- a food you like, a walk, a book. Even a few minutes of relief can make a difference. Sometimes I make a list of 6 things I'm grateful for. Almost always that breaks the dark spell, at least for a while.

Avoid isolation. Just talking with someone else about whatever can be calming and comforting.

And be a good friend to yourself, just as I am sure you would be to anyone in your life who needed support.

Cheers,
« Last Edit: March 04, 2008, 05:17:25 PM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline Winiroo

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  • Posts: 2,082
  • Positive since 1991
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2008, 06:03:57 PM »
Not that I want to die. I've never desired to be dead.

Sure life sucks sometimes. Bad bad things have happened to me. Like Betty and Peter I suck it up or buck up and go on.

Things in my life that have made me think twice about giving up?
 
My children. What kind of piss poor mother leaves her children? What kind of damage would that do to them?

My parents. How could I ever hurt my family like that? I've lost a child I know there is no recovering from the death of your child.

Suicide is selfish. I am not a selfish enough person to hurt the people who love me.

Suicide is not an escape. Its a dead end. It leaves you no more options.

Offline xyahka

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  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2008, 09:13:46 AM »
Hi guys, thanks for your answers. I will take some time to re read them... cause right now i read them but it feels like they do not get into my mind nor my understanding. I guess i am just blocked.

thanks.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline sharkdiver

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2008, 09:49:26 PM »
I have missed your smiling face

Hugs

Sharkie

Offline DCGUY2007

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2008, 03:57:30 AM »
Juan,

Hope you feel better soon.

Big hug!

Offline xyahka

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2008, 01:04:33 PM »
Hi Sharky and DCGUY2007, thanks a lot for your nice messages.

I am sort of going on... like some people said... suck it up and move on... not sure for how long it will work out for me... cause i am sort of like going nowhere. I have no goals to achieve... i am just moving on. I guess i am just letting life happen and hoping something nice will come to my life and show me the way to be back on track. Show me why some people desire to keep on living despite all the suffering.

Ah by the way, my psychologist adviced me to visit a spiritual guide, she was suggested one who happened to be a Catholic priest... who refused talking to me as soon as I told him i was gay and positive. That was funny cause he started to complain and i asked him if God's love wasn't big enough to love everybody despite their mistakes... he answered YES but that i should regret my actions... and when i said we should meet and talk he simply said NO. It made me remember that not all of the people who talk about Jesus really knows him. And it made me remember why i used to believe in Jesus not in priests. It sort of hit me but i am ok now... still considering the idea of writing to this priest and letting him know my opinion about his actions.

Plus... well... a year ago in this same date... a big nightmare started. I was doing exercise today morning and suddenly realised that last year this day i was getting very sick, with high fever and vomiting everything i ate. In the next week... i will be diagnosed as positive after taken a microelisa test under a false name... It is funny but i just realise none ever put attention to the fact that my microelisa was not under my name. Though when they prescribed the IFI one i used my real name.

I have changed a lot in this year... from whom i used to be....it seems many things fallen apart in my life.... I started to remember and started to cry... I feel i can almost recall all those feelings... how it happened... how i got diagnosed... and how i arrived to the state i am right now. It's sad.

well... i promised myself i would not get depressed today... at least not in working schedule... so i better move on. Just wanted to thank you all again.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline BT65

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #17 on: March 07, 2008, 02:00:22 PM »
Juan, wishing you some mental healing.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline riverlassie

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  • Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2008, 07:10:37 PM »
When I knew I was infected I just want to go on what I called a suicide run, I was heavily into drug. Felt so hopeless and just didn't care. Then my addiction sent me to prison where you'd think I'd really felt hopeless. But that is when my perspective on life changed. I won't get into God as you requested but that became a bit part. I realized that this illness is not the endof my life but really the beginning. But I needed to get out of myself absorbtion in order to see where to go. I realized that I am still here to help those who would see things of life as disparir . But it is the broken road thaat teaches us. And the more I reachout to others the more itre-fills me with hope. I stopped worying about me and focused on others many wit h much greater problems. What this illnes is is manageable and chronic . See it as such as it will become as such . Hopethis helps you as it has helped me. It's been 20 years of being pos and I will keep my attitude pos in the good way !!!!!!!!
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2008, 09:59:49 AM »
Juan, tears aren't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes feelings get stirred up like when you remember...and it's good to let yourself cry. And then let them dry and keep on with whatever the day brings.

Wishing you a good one today,
Andy Velez

Offline Winiroo

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  • Posts: 2,082
  • Positive since 1991
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2008, 09:38:11 PM »
Maybe it is time you concentrate on the good things in life rather than the bad.

Puppies, kitties, sunsets, sunrises, kisses, hugs, children, smiles, rainbows, music, laughter, love, friendship, ect.
What ever it is in life you enjoy relish it.

Offline xyahka

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #21 on: March 10, 2008, 04:48:48 PM »
Hi Bettytacy, riverlassie, Andy, Winiroo, thanks for your words.

I am sort of better right now.... still without direction but i have been so busy and tired that i haven't had time to worry about my life (or my death).

Well, anyways thanks for caring... i will also try Winiroo's advice though... well... i feel like a bit blind right now, cause i don't see nor give value to many good things you mentioned. Like sunset lets say... i used to love it and you know... i used to feel one with the nature and enjoy its beauty... but now it is like... i can't feel it. It seems all useless... empty... Perhaps i am just too stressed yet.

Well... i will try to change that and still copy the strategie others have mentioned... suck it up and move on... and wait until something happens and i can find a light that guides me to a safe port. Thanks again for sharing your thoughs.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline lilguru

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2008, 12:29:48 PM »
What gives me the courage/strength/desire to keep on going?  There are many things that make me want to keep on going.

1.  Most of my friends didn't make it.  I live for them.
2.  It may sound corny, but I believe that we create our world through our thoughts and energy -- make it what you want it to be.  I live to see what I can do.
3.  I live so that others see that they too can live.
4.  Every encounter that we have -- be it illness or a new friend -- is a gift.  I live to make this gift worthwhile. 

I could go on but you get my drift.   We could all have died due to this virus.  But we have chosen to live. 

There are so many support groups available so that you can be with other people that have traveled the path ahead of you.  After 20+ years, I have found support groups helpful.  I have met many nice people that way. 

I will pray for you my friend that you too will realize what a gift we have been given.  It's LIFE.
September 1987 - HIV+

Offline jblove

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2008, 12:43:55 PM »
 8)

Juan, I have been where you are and still am in counseling. I have been living with HIV since 1984 and AIDS in 2000. When I first told my family about having AIDS, my brothers and sisters were there for me, but my mother told me that while she and her husband were praying for me every day, they never wanted to see me again. I attempted suicide yet survived and went on because I have people who do love me and I know that they would be disappointed because of their love.

To see my life through after quitting teaching (I Loved it) and being without health insurance and having no money, I looked to my friends who wanted me to live in their hour with them. They were a godsend.

Also, I am the directer of the HIV/AIDS Speakers' buruea in the Northwest. I go out and tell people what it is like to live with this disease every day. I speak at middle schools, high schools, colleges and universities, health care training programs, dental students, drug/alcohol treatment centers, jails, prisons, juvenile detention centers, and churches.

Doing the speaking has been the very best for me. I help to teach people about the disease because I put a "face to the diseas" and share my life events. If my story stops one person from getting HIV, then I have done great.

Maybe you need to stop and think about how to make sure someone one else doesn't get HIV. I promise you, it is a positive way to save others' lives and your own.

thanks for sharing and Blessed Be.

Jim

Offline Winiroo

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2008, 04:16:15 PM »
What gives me the courage/strength/desire to keep on going?  There are many things that make me want to keep on going.

1.  Most of my friends didn't make it.  I live for them.
2.  It may sound corny, but I believe that we create our world through our thoughts and energy -- make it what you want it to be.  I live to see what I can do.
3.  I live so that others see that they too can live.
4.  Every encounter that we have -- be it illness or a new friend -- is a gift.  I live to make this gift worthwhile. 


Beautiful lilguru. Simply beautiful.

Difficulties arise in the lives of us all. What is most important is dealing with the hard times, coping
with the changes,and getting through to the other side where the sun is still shining just for you...

It takes a strong person to deal with tough times and difficult choices. But you are a strong person. It takes
courage. But you possess the inner courage to see you through. It takes being an active participant in your
life. But you are in the driver's seat, and you can determine the direction you want tomorrow to go in.

Hang in there... and take care to see that you don't lose sight of the one thing that is constant, beautiful, and true:
Everything will be fine --and it will turn out that way because of the special kind of person you are.

So... beginning today and lasting a lifetime through -- Hang in there, and don't be afraid to feel like the morning sun is shining...
just for you.
      -Poem by Douglas Pagels
« Last Edit: March 12, 2008, 04:17:49 PM by Winiroo »

Online Jeff G

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2008, 07:22:37 PM »
 Hey Xyahka
    I wanted you to know that I know a little about how your feeling these days. I went through a similar time of depression . Nothing I heard helped but I still listened. No medicine made it any better but I took the pills. I found that one thing that kept me going and in time I got better.

I look back now and realize how many wonderfull things I would have missed out on if I hadn't found that one thing. I just bet from reading your post that there is going to be more than one thing in your life that is worth sticking around for.

The one thing that got me out of bed every was my dog Zita . She saved my life and to show my thanks I'm going to stay around a long time and give her the best life a dog can have.
Please let us know how you are doing ...Because I will be thinking of you often...Jeff

Offline xyahka

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2008, 08:04:13 PM »
Hi lilguru, jblove for your words.

I haven't questioning other's answers before cause i didn't want to seem annoying (though perhaps i am)... I am a bit sad i can't see things like everybody else do. I wish i could... it would be all so easy.

Lilguru and Jblove, your words are nice... and your reasons are good too. It is just that for me... to live for others who are not here, for exemple...  sounds special for me and touching...  but somehow i feel it might not help me, perhaps because right now i feel i don't care much about others... nor what others think about the disease... nor what my family would feel if i suicide, nor if others get disappointed if i do it... somehow if diying i think i would survive by scaping from all this pain and frustration.

I am closed and focused on me cause i think i can't help others if i can't help myself... And being that right now i can't help myself... i don't even think in helping others. I feel my personal issues do not allow me to give an opinion about other's stuff... nor to give any advice... thats another reason why i stopped coming  here... and even if i am coming a bit more lately i almost don't comment to anyone's post. I used to be an active member here but now i try to read the threads... and i can't develop much interest... and when i think i could say something that could help... my mind tells me it is useless cause it is all in vain.

And if you let me be annoying and vent.... then let me say this...

I haven't found a way out, i feel there is none to talk to over here... none understand me... everything is wrong in my life... the only thing that is not wrong is my health (isn't it funny?). I don't think i am able to change it... i have tried but everything goes wrong and wrong.. and i am tired of so many mistakes and desilusions.

I am not worried about diying of aids... no, i am not depressed for the virus itself but perhaps lost because the virus deleted my future. I mean it erased all the things i wanted to do in my life. I feel i wont achieve them. So... i have nowhere to go... i can keep on walking but i have no destiny... and it confuses me and frustrates me. And when i try to build something... or define something i want to do... it fails. Everyt single thing i have tried to do lately goes wrong... from being member of a chorus... to finding a new job. Everything goes wrong.


Troubles at home... about to be fired at work, not social security... no other job offers despite all the cvs i have delivered... lot of debts... so it is not that i want to suicide due to the hiv, or at least not directly... it is simply that i am tired from all this suffering, all this stress, all the failed attempts to improve my situation... I find myself useless, unable to get over this hard time... and tired of trying.... and therefore being i can't help myself, i stopped caring about everything around me since i can't improve anything there either.

And thats it, today had a terrible day at work and they have started to push me more and more. this week i started to think again..."i should shout myself". It is an idea i try to fight and i tell myself... "no, don't worry Juan Carlos everything will be fine" but things are not improving. Today i was ready to give up in my job... ready to resign if they pushed me a lil bit more... but i have no other job and family has not much money to help me either. I don't know i just can't find my place in this world...

And i don't know about you, but being sincere... i know it is annoying to listen a person who is not able to help himself out of a situation... i just want to say that i thank for your answers but i am really sorry if i am so silly enough not to understand them fully or unable just to take them without questioning.

I know everything is supposed to be fine in the long run... but i look back and i see things are getting worst and worst since several years ago, this diagnosed was just the last thing missed in this terrible horror movie of my life. I find myself saying several times per day "i am tired of this shitty life i am having... i just want to scape".
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline BT65

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #27 on: March 13, 2008, 08:13:06 AM »
I am not trying to sound cruel here, but maybe you should check yourself in somewhere until things improve.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline xyahka

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  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #28 on: March 13, 2008, 12:48:25 PM »
That's not cruel at all, it is also an option, i meet my pscychologist in couple of hours and will talk to her about your suggestion. Let's see.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline trip

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #29 on: March 13, 2008, 07:51:48 PM »
Hi Juan, I just wanted to say that it sounded as if I was writing the post you wrote. I find my self in the same miserable position. My lover was diagnosed in 1982 and I was diagnosed in 1985, the same year he died. This has been a long ride for me. I want to thank you for your honesty and candidness. It helps to know that I am not totally alone in this pain. It also help to read the replies you have received. Keep you chin up!   Trip 

Offline xyahka

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #30 on: March 27, 2008, 04:37:27 AM »
Hi trip, thanks a lot for your message, sorry for taking so long to thank you but i haven't checked in here for a while.

Well, good news. I am not that sad right now. I have been meeting my psychologist once a week again, and well.. i have met several people to talk about life and all that. From spiritists to protestants, too many different people. It helped me to talk to others and off course your messages also were a big help.

About entering in a institution my psycholgist told me there are not rest houses in my country... so that was not possible. We talked and she advised me to think about talking with a psyquiatric and perhaps requesting some meds against anxiety. I haven't done that yet but took a decision to stop something that was causing me lot of inner troubles... today i quit my job.

Having a job you don't perform well and that is not making you feel comfortable is stressful. Having people pushing you is stressful. And well... this job was bringing me more troubles and sadness than any help. So i decided to leave it. I know it is half solution and half problem... specially given my financial situation but i hope something will happen soon. I have a sort of job offer starting on April 5th but i am also looking for some other options. The bad part of this all is that no job offer mentions to subscribe into social security again (at least not during the first 3 months)... so in theory i have no medical coverage at this time... i have an appointment on april 10th with my social security doctor and i am not sure if she will see me since i am not affiliated anymore. I hope i can at least get to know the results of my last cd4 (february).

The most important thing is that i am feeling better, not exactly happy... but not completely depressed either... lets say i am... simply ok. Once more thank you all for your words and if there are others who are as sad as i was... i just want to tell you.. hang in there guys... things will improve, not all at once... but slowly things will get better.

About the reasons for living, i think they differ from people to people... and sometimes i even though some people have never ever though about this... as for me, i learnt that sometimes small short term goals.. can be good reasons for keep on moving, they give you a reason and a direction. With my psychologist we identified a changing process happening in my life due to many different situations... it was not all hiv related... hiv simply made the volcano exploit... and well... my reason for living, at least right now... is to help myself to put all things in place again and adapt to my new reality.

Hugs for you all,

Juan Carlos
« Last Edit: December 12, 2009, 05:59:22 PM by Andy Velez »
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline BT65

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #31 on: March 27, 2008, 08:03:17 AM »
Glad to hear you're doing better.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline trip

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #32 on: March 27, 2008, 07:42:33 PM »
Dear Carlos, I'm so glad to know that you are felling better! You give me hope that this to will change. Thanks again for you truthfulness and you reply. Keep up the good work. Trip

Offline chm02

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #33 on: March 30, 2008, 11:52:18 PM »
I really hear you about being "just ok".
About the only reason I have for living is that I believe that death is oblivion, and I think any experience is better than none at all. Besides, death will come soon enough to us all. It will happen eventually whether you want it to or not.
I hope this isn't just a downer, I really wanted to say that I sympathize with the feeling of loss of meaning. Over the years, I've decided that the universe really is meaningless, but that my mind is a meaning-making machine, so I have to make my own meaning. Good luck.

Offline xyahka

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  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #34 on: April 06, 2008, 04:01:44 AM »
Hi guys!!! i had diseappeared for a while again. Trip thanks for your message, hey... if you ever need to talk don't hesitate in pm me, email me or adding me to your msn messenger, count with me.

Over the years, I've decided that the universe really is meaningless, but that my mind is a meaning-making machine, so I have to make my own meaning.

chm02, i agree so much with you that i will actually steal this idea from you and use it :).

Ah by the way... i have some good news... i was unemployed just 4 days (that was a big luck)... last monday i was called for an interview in a dental clinic of a well known dentist here... he was needing an administrative and marketing assitant... and guess what... i was hired inmediatly after the interview (i was astonished... that much that when he told me the job was mine i though the was not talking seriously  :D). So i am working there since then... have had small troubles and some panic, but i am trying to work hard... i am still trying to put things in order and this professional side of my life has to be organised as well. I wrote in my blog i am not trying to make a big things with my life anymore... right now... i am just interested of making a small and stable lil things. If i ever finish with this... i will setup another goal in my life that gives my days some meaning. I hope to become a "meaning machine"... i like that, i like the idea.

Big hugs for everybody :)

Juan Carlos (working at 3am on saturday... but feeling happy... i am trying to give some "meaning" to a marketing project i have to run LOL  ;)
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline bear60

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Re: Reasons for living
« Reply #35 on: April 06, 2008, 02:04:22 PM »
I am happy for you, Juan.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

 


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