Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Reasons for living

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xyahka:
Well... i haven't been often here for a while cause i have been in my own journey.... Although i have reached a point where i have some things to ask. Have been visiting my psychologist often lately in order to fight a severe depression for couple of months which included suicidal thoughts.

I was suppoused to be fine right now. Which is sort of true... i am not thinking in shooting a gun in my head every 5 mins anymore :) but now i have reached the other point (or perhaps the same point from a different point of view). I'm not thinking in taking my life now... but i don't find reasons for living.

I have reached a point where i have given up from all the things i wanted to do in life...professional career.... travelling.... make money.... looking for love.... it seems almost everything lost value. This together with lot of problems in my recent jobs, lack of results in my current one... some period of unemployment that lead me to almost lose my medical coverage (gotta fix this shit yet).... being ill monthly, bankrupt... and stuff like that have push me until the edge. Where i am not embracing my faith anymore.

And well... sorry for all the text... but the thing is... I wonder...

what keeps you living? What is the reason why you wake up everyday? What is good enough to make you fight when in my point of view leaving this place where nothing else can hurt you anymore would be the best... I want to be in peace and i don't find it.... and then i wonder why should i keep on fighting? If we are all going to die some day... why not make it sooner?... it could save me so much pain.

i would appreciate if we don't take this from religious point of view and also avoiding "everything is a miracle" type of answers please. I know everything is a miracle... but that still does not make me feel the desire to keep on living. What makes you go through all the pain and desire to stay here yet? I wonder... so i can start looking for it.

thunter34:

--- Quote from: xyahka on February 29, 2008, 01:00:22 PM ---i would appreciate if we don't take this from religious point of view and also avoiding "everything is a miracle" type of answers please. I know everything is a miracle... but that still does not make me feel the desire to keep on living. What makes you go through all the pain and desire to stay here yet? I wonder... so i can start looking for it.

--- End quote ---

Wow, Juan.  That perspective used to be your calling card.  You really are down in the shit lately, aren't you?

John2038:
Among the reasons for living:

- cause when you will be dead, there is nothing you will be able to do. But you can do these things now.
- cause you can always find love
- cause it is possible that in 5-10 years, HIV will be a totally different disease. Thanks to the nano/bio tech
- cause you are not alone and you can be an example
- cause the life is a miracle, and you should open your mind about the chance you are having to be you.

Etc.

May this video be of any help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfULvR2noaE

Just know that if you feel down, well, it's normal for a poz (as well as for anyone with a much worst condition).
But if you feel down, you probably haven't try hard enough to enjoy the life.
You will then have eternity to rest, without warranty you will be back.
So look around, save your life, and enjoy as much as you can buddy.

We are here, all in the same boat :)

xyahka:

--- Quote from: thunter34 on February 29, 2008, 01:28:43 PM ---Wow, Juan.  That perspective used to be your calling card.  You really are down in the shit lately, aren't you?

--- End quote ---

I knew my thread would call the attention of people once posted, thats why i tried to make evident that during long time my faith helped me much in the process of dealing with this... but when lot of bad things happen one after another... there is a moment where you cannot stand it anymore and start to question everything around you. I guess i am not the only one nor the first one.

I perhaps still believe in God a little... that might be the reason why i haven't done anything to scape from here. Like I said to Sean the other day "perhaps my Jesus is broken... cause it seems he is not listening to me".

I try to understand and learn how others find reasons to keep on fighting and how could i do the same. I am sure the experience of the long term survivors could help me.

Juan Carlos

John2038:
xyahka

don't say that you Jesus is broken or you will face over-reaction :)

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