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Author Topic: Still Forming  (Read 1635 times)

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Offline wetsand

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Still Forming
« on: February 28, 2008, 08:08:52 PM »
I've been lurking for a few weeks and thought I would intro myself.  I'm a staight guy in FL that got diagnosed in Oct. 2007 after picking the wrong wildflower, dealing with the worst flu of my life in Aug., night sweats and fatigue.  I googled my symptoms and HIV kept coming up so I just kinda knew even before my test results came back.  About a month later, I started seeing an Immunologist, joined a study (free pills and lots of free bloodwork and Doc visits, plus a wee bit o' cash), and stated Truvada, Viramune and Bactrim.  My numbers were pretty ugly 37 and 750K when I started Feb. 4th.  They've improved already.  Yeah I got a bit of a rash for a few days when I upped the Viramune, but it subsided.  not too much for other side effects.Weight has stayed the same.  Energy has improved, closing in on normal.  I eat like a pig, one of my few pleasures since finding out about my condition. But going for long fast walks in natual area keeps that in check, and the music I listen to while walking gets me positive ( Louie A, Chilis, Moz).  Sex drive is almost back to normal for me.  Although I've sorta imposed a celebacy thing on that  Scary territory there.  Auto-eros allowed, of course.  maybe the hardest part is the secret kept.  I haven't told anyone except two former lovers whom I endangered and had to.  Both were neg after first tests.  Thankfully for them and for me.  Some of my darkest moments were worrying about having passed it on.  I was really angry considered breaking my contract, had aplan all worked out, would make it look like an accident, but worked thru it.  Not enough guts or too many, still not sure.  I don't talk about it.  Terrifed of disclosing.  They will either worry or shun.  But I decided to fight this shit and try to outlive my parents.  They need me as do others.  Got responsibilities and stuff.  I have to lead crews full of 20-sumpin biting at the bit.  can't show weakness, good thing I'm good at pretending.  I really appreciate what people talk about in these posts and blogs.  Helps me remember some have it much worsh than me and that I am not alone.  Although i'm no expert and just trying to figure out my own damn self,  I'll try to chime in now and then if It can possibly be relevant.

Still Forming

Offline minismom

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,608
  • Quocumque jeceris stabit
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2008, 08:24:29 PM »
Let me be the first to welcome you to the forums.  You've found yourself among some of the finest folks in the world.  Feel free to chime in anywhere you feel comfortable.  Don't be afraid to ask questions - it's how we all learn.  There are wonderful, knowledgable people here who can help you decifer / interpret labs, or point you in the right direction if that's what you need.  Most importantly, there are folks here who will listen and not judge.  If you need to vent, go right ahead.  We've all done it.  If you need to cry, that's ok, too. 

I look forward to hearing more from you and getting to know you more.

Mum
www.watoto.com
www.MotherBearProject.org
"Whichever way you throw me, i will stand"
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia"  Charles Schultz

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,956
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2008, 08:41:37 PM »
Hey wetsand,

It can be terrifying initially.  I think it speaks highly of you that you told your two former lovers.  It must have been a big relief that they tested negative. 

Please check in with us and let us know how you're doing. 

Oh, welcome to the forums. :)  Ask us anything you want, and please share your feelings.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Assurbanipal

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2008, 08:47:23 PM »
Hey wets&

Welcome to the forums.  Sounds like you've been through the mill these last few months, but you are a fighter! Look forward to hearing more from you.

Assurbanipal  
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline riverlassie

  • Member
  • Posts: 31
  • Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #4 on: February 29, 2008, 11:44:49 AM »
Over time, once you get through what I call stage one, the shock and realization that this has happened, you will find yourself in stage two, Trying to find out as much infor as your brain can absorb till it hurts. Then stage 3 is where you see that this is a managable " situation" and like you've already realized there are many worse illnesses in this world. Just remember....Now is when your life truly begins. ...... It becomes a gift that you not only cherish but see in a whole different light.  I always say the greens are greener , the yellows brighter and reds bolder.  In some weird way it can be a blessing in disguise..........if you allow it to be so.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.

Offline BlueMoon

  • Member
  • Posts: 665
  • Calling from the Fun House
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #5 on: February 29, 2008, 12:49:09 PM »
Quote
. . .the greens are greener , the yellows brighter and reds bolder.

Sounds like my laundry detergent!    ;D

Welcome to the forum, Wetsand.  I think you'll find it helpful. 

I was diagnosed in October myself, though I've apparently been infected for a few years at least.  I've been on meds for a week now.  Life goes on surprisingly well, and I'm optimistic that I'll have my health for years to come.  Take care of yourself, and you can too.
...................VL.....CD4.....%
-----------------------------------------
08/10-- ......<40.....290.....42
05/10-- ......<48.....290.....46
02/10-- ......<48.....481.....44
10/09-- ......<48.....277.....46
07/09-- ......<48.....300.....38
05/09-- ........51.....449.....39
03/09-- Added Isentress
02/09-- ........65.....299.....34
11/08-- ........62.....242.....40
08/08-- ........66.....212.....29
05/08-- ......202.....217.....27
03/08-- ....5210.....187.....21
02/08-- Began Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
12/07-- 273,000.....157.....22
11/07-- 229,000.....209.....22
10/07-- Diagnosis

It's a complex world.

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #6 on: February 29, 2008, 01:05:57 PM »
HI wetsand!! As a kinda, sorta newbie just wanted to welcome ya!!
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #7 on: February 29, 2008, 01:36:08 PM »
Hey,

I like your handle and I understood the image as far as still forming.  All of your writing gives vivid images to me. 

I was really angry considered breaking my contract, had aplan all worked out, would make it look like an accident, but worked thru it.  Not enough guts or too many, still not sure.

I lean towards too many. 

Welcome.



Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #8 on: February 29, 2008, 02:18:17 PM »
Welcome to the Forums and I ditto what everyone has said. It gets easier with time. And I can relate to your fears about disclosure but thinks it was great that you had the courage to disclose to your lovers. Keep your head up and hope to hear more from you.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #9 on: February 29, 2008, 06:43:51 PM »
...I decided to fight this shit and try to outlive my parents.  They need me as do others.  Got responsibilities and stuff.  I have to lead crews full of 20-sumpin biting at the bit.  can't show weakness, good thing I'm good at pretending.  I really appreciate what people talk about in these posts and blogs.  Helps me remember some have it much worsh than me and that I am not alone.  Although i'm no expert and just trying to figure out my own damn self,  I'll try to chime in now and then if It can possibly be relevant.

Still Forming

Words and thoughts of a man stuggling with a hard truth. You have handled this difficulty in dignity, straight guy in Florida.
Made me smile. One who thrives.
I like the word "thrive". It denotes more than sitting around feeling like a victim. It means constructive thinking,  a workable life and a proactive outlook. Like you've shown in your words here.
Welcome to the forum, wetsand.

Mike

Offline wetsand

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2008, 11:41:19 AM »
Thank you all those who answered.  Your comment, compliments and reassurances were warmingly received.  Pardon my  delayed response please, work was hellacious on Friday, a challenge that ended in a draining success.  There are good and bad days for us all.   But I'm feeling mostly well, better energy.  I have started experiencing the Vivid dreams.  An unexpected present.  My fav so far was last night when I got to buy that old manse in remote Bulgaria and open a bed and breakfast, with free donkey cart rides for touristas.  What fun.  Where my brain came up with that I'll never know.  So I woke up happy.  Went out into my garden in pj's and took a bunch of stills.  My other solace.
Peace and Gratsi for the welcome.
Esp Betty


Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,413
Re: Still Forming
« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2008, 12:13:35 PM »
Hi Wetsand-
Thanks for sharing your story.  It sounds a lot like mine except I picked the wrong peacock  :-\.  You seem to be heading in the right direction and I think you will find having responsibilites and the young-uns will help you to focus on them, instead of your diagnosis.  After my diagnosis I climbed up the proverbial ladder.   I still have the fear of disclosure but have reached a point of hoping to be able to help myself and others with it.  Baby steps :) You might have a support group in your area that would help a good deal if you ever need to get stuff off your chest, if not come here and vent away.  I'd be out hiking too if we didn't have all this freakin snow :), the peace and beauty of nature can be very healing.  I wish you the best.
Take care,
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

 


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