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Author Topic: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.  (Read 1650 times)

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Offline Mouse

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  • Posts: 1,463
  • Om nom nom.
I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« on: March 03, 2008, 02:44:26 AM »
We all have secrets.

I guess I'm just so used to justifying mine. I've spent so much time reconstructing my life to fit into the stories that I tell people to protect myself that I sometimes wonder who the real me is. Sometimes I forget things that have actually happened. Sometimes I replace what I say with something I've made up to make my past more consistent with present. I also wonder if I do that because I honestly don't remember or because I somehow want what I'm saying to be what is true. I haven't been able to sleep yet tonight because I've been laying in bed so long wondering what it is that's been bothering me so much lately. I still don't know, but I have some ideas.

I have gotten so good at not second guessing myself. I am questioned so often about my childhood that I no longer hesitate when someone asks me about my experiences as a little boy. How I was brought up. My friends. My family. How I was treated.

Most of what I tell people is true fundamentally, and the fact that so much truth is reduced to so many lies is always particularly painful to me. One word and a few pronouns here and there and a story can change completely. Having a relationship with someone - anyone - especially when it's a close friendship and you are still hiding something so basic about yourself is never easy, but I do it every day. Looking someone in the eyes and knowing that if they ever found out they would hate me, maybe even want to kill me, is terrifying - but necessary.

Against all logic it only gets harder, despite how often rejection comes. After a while it stops being new and starts becoming routine. Acceptance is the exception now and if only I could believe that whole deal about the people who really matter being alright with it I would probably be a more well adjusted person.

My friends - my true friends, or the sort you're supposed to have, anyway - are few. When things are going good I am just confused, depending on the mood of my judges at the time I alternate between a freak, a mutant, nature's fuck-up, the result of pollution (I still haven't figured that one out). The funny thing is that doesn't upset me anymore. The ones I don't trust are the ones that tell me it's okay. Those are the kind I've worried about. Still do. I agonize over ulterior motives, plots, schemes. I expect my emotions to be fucked around with, I think to the point where I fuck around with them myself before anyone else can do anything.

And still, I tell myself constantly that what I am keeping are not secrets. I tell myself that I am always who I present myself to be - and in a lot of ways, I still believe it, but to say that these things haven't shaped me are lies. Though they are not part of who I am, they have helped shaped who that person is. Whoever that person is. I wish I knew.

I'm tired of hiding things from people I love. I've done it too often. Most of the time I've cracked and spoke. Most of the time they left.

I don't know, something about waiting years to tell someone your biological sex tends to put people off for some reason.

Not everyone, though. I can think of at least one person in particular who has never wavered. Still I worry, and agonize, that he will suddenly realize what exactly it is that I am and will become disgusted and leave. I worry that he is already disgusted and is hiding it from me, like I hid things. And in an almost masochistic way I feel as though I deserve it if that is the case. As much as I go on and on about how I am not wrong for what I do, for who I am and for what I say, I have doubts. A lot of them.

Sometimes I stop and think about the future, which even when seeming bright always has a shadow. I realize that as long as I live this is what it's always going to be like. Maybe my coping method will improve, maybe people will change - but I doubt it. And even if I didn't, the fundamental fact is it will always be the same. I can shoot testosterone into my thigh until I turn 100 and I can have as much surgery as my financial aid and loans will put up with but it'll never really change. Some days I am okay with that. Lately I haven't been. But there's nothing I can do, because who I am is as stubbornly persistent as my genetic makeup. In a sort of Cliffs Notes, melodramatic way, I am fucked, and feeling sorry for myself.

I just haven't been dealing with that as well as I used to.

Offline scud44

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  • Posts: 393
  • I am watching you
Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2008, 06:40:02 AM »
Hi Mouse,
We know you and love you for who you are - you often put a smile on our faces and sometimes a tear in our eyes.
Most of us know your story and we respect you and love you for being open and honest with us.
Look to the future - there is a bright one for you - even a crusty old bald bugger like me can see that you have a lot more than just a great, caring and loving personality - you have a great communication talent that we all admire you for.
You are able to look after the furry friends and they need you too.
True friends are the ones who stick with you through thick and thin - the ones who are there when others run to the shadows.
They love you when you are unlovable and they hug you when you are unhuggable!
Have a belief in yourself and always make sure that others have something to believe in as well.

Keep smiling Jase
Regards
Scuddles
CD4 = 110 - 30 July 2007 - 10%
VL = 139000 - 30 July 2007
CD4 = 252 - 6th August 2007
VL = 16400 - 23rd August 2007
CD4 = 240 - 23rd August 2007
VL = 400 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 96 - 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 120 18th Sept 2007
VL = 386000 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 160 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 110 10th Jan 2008
CD4 = 311 29th Jan 2008
VL = <50 29th Jan 2008
CD4 = 148 2nd April 2008
VL = 110,000 2nd April 2008
June 2010 and nothing has improved

Offline BT65

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  • Member
  • Posts: 9,635
  • Diagnosed + 1989
Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2008, 08:14:33 AM »
Jaser baby, the journey to discover our 'true' selves is a long one.  I'm still finding out things.  You know we love you, truly.  You are a gift in my life.  Hang in there, sweetie.  It gets at least easier to handle those things and become more honest (at least with ourselves) as time goes on.  Really.
   Luv you,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Peter6836

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  • Posts: 391
  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2008, 08:38:59 AM »
Jaser,
I am not quite sure what to say. You are a remarkable person, such depth and intelligence, and wisdom from someone so young. Your a joy in many peoples lives. I dream of being able to sit down and talk with you, your so deep and interesting, a conversation with you would be a highlight in anyones life. Your wonderful just the way you are. Your introspective and living your life with dignity and authenticity. Sure we all protect ourselves when we have to. But I think you know more about yourself and others than most people learn in a lifetime. Hold your head up high and remember that you are respected and loved by many.
Peter

Offline emeraldize

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Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2008, 08:10:13 PM »
Mouse

You could take a four-year break from introspection, concentrate on college and fun, graduate, fuck around for a year and STILL be light years ahead of most folks.

I agree with Betty...the journey is long. And, just when you think you have a finger wrapped tightly around something, your grasp will be jarred, you'll see something you hadn't seen before, and with any luck, you'll get to the point where you can laugh a bit as you're experiencing new levels of disbelief.

Ease up.

Em

Offline Iggy

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Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2008, 11:25:51 PM »
Jaser,

I'm not going to pretend to understand or give some anecdotal relation...but I will say that I think you have made many of us understand.

Sometimes we just don't get the satisfaction of knowing the positive impact we have.  My hope is that you trust that yours needs no validation - at least from these boards.

I don't always express myself as well as I hope, but in this case I want you to know that understand my point - which is that you have made yourself understood and known on this board - well....at least to those who are open to it - you have no control over the others.

Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,255
  • His name is Carl.
Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2008, 05:29:16 PM »
Sometimes I think there ought to be a "Post Hall of Fame" on here.

If ever there was such a thing, this surely would find its place there.

Brutally, heart breakingly honest.   Unflinchingly brave.

My word, kid.  I'm awed by you.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline bear60

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Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2008, 09:03:33 AM »
I was thinking of you today Mouse...when I saw an announcement by this group:
http://www.wexist.org/
They are having a function at the Willian Way Center here.  Is this a group you belong to?
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Mouse

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,463
  • Om nom nom.
Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2008, 09:07:08 AM »
I was thinking of you today Mouse...when I saw an announcement by this group:
http://www.wexist.org/
They are having a function at the Willian Way Center here.  Is this a group you belong to?


Unfortunately I live too far away (about an hour and a half) or I would go.

Offline Snowangel

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Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2008, 11:09:45 PM »
Hi Mouse,
I finally got to read your  whole post without any interuptions  ;) I agree with everyone else when they say you are an amazing person.  You write beautifully and are very open and honest.  I hope you are feeling better about yourself and that you know that you are not fucked.  Deep down, you know you are a beautiful person inside and out and that is all that matters.  I can't even imagine not having someone to confide in that I completely trust and that just shows me how courageous and strong you are.
Hope your classes are going well!
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Mouse

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,463
  • Om nom nom.
Re: I'm so going to bed after I'm done with this post.
« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2008, 12:18:16 AM »
Hi Mouse,
I finally got to read your  whole post without any interuptions  ;) I agree with everyone else when they say you are an amazing person.  You write beautifully and are very open and honest.  I hope you are feeling better about yourself and that you know that you are not fucked.  Deep down, you know you are a beautiful person inside and out and that is all that matters.  I can't even imagine not having someone to confide in that I completely trust and that just shows me how courageous and strong you are.
Hope your classes are going well!
Snow


I do actually. It took me a while to realize that he is someone that I can completely confide in, though I wanted to, and as much as I'm still working on it, I know I really can tell him anything. Despite the fact that he always denies that this is the truth, he really is the person who is closest to me personally. I'm glad I'm finally able to open up to him like I always wanted to. To have one person in the world who you can tell anything to and not fear rejection from is a feeling I can't accurately describe unless you've experienced both extremes yourself. Because of him and a few certain people very much like him I have been able to be more honest and open with myself also. Not to turn this into a mushy lovefest or anything.   ::)

I guess I'm just saying that I'm lucky to have found a group of people who are obviously not effected by the things that cause so many negative reactions from most other people. Though this is something I'm going to have to fight with my entire life, I at least know I have someone that will unconditionally be by me no matter which way it goes.


 


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