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Author Topic: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...  (Read 4316 times)

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Offline LIZZIE LOU

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  • Posts: 17
i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« on: January 26, 2008, 10:39:17 AM »
guess i just need to vent...

this march will be a year since my son was diagnosed with hiv.  most of the time i dont think about it 24 hours a day...but TODAY...for some reason...i cant stop crying.

i'm mad as hell at him for not only doing this to himself...but to me.  i'm mad that he let crystal meth rule his life for so long...mad that he didnt have the common sense to use a condom.  i've lived the life of an addict through him...and now this. 

sometimes i think that all i want is to die before he does so that i dont have to feel the loss...but then i feel like i hope i am around to make sure that he is getting the best possible care.  IS THIS STRANGE??????    why do i even think about things like this?

i know the spill...he is on meds and doing wonderfully...and can expect to live a long time with all the advancements being made...blah, blah, blah.

jesus christ...why did this have to happen????

Offline RapidRod

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2008, 11:03:05 AM »
Tell me Kim, what is different about today than any other day? Have you ate to much chocolate again this morning? As for being a blubbering basket case, that's because of your hair color.  ;) Don't let it get you down. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent it. Now stay out of the chocolate the rest of the day.

Offline LIZZIE LOU

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2008, 11:39:15 AM »
ok rodney...stop trying to make me laugh ! ! !

and stop telling everyone that i am a chocolate freak...some things are meant to be kept a secret.  if i weigh 400 pounds in 10 years...we can blame it on christian.  i AM a stress eater :(

dont make me start talking...

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2008, 07:16:57 PM »
If you weigh 400 lbs. in 10 years we can blame it on your being a Christian? Really!?

Jesus Christ! What is that about? The church socials?

Live your own life and let your son live his. Everyone will be a lot happier. Really.

Now, go get your cake.
Andy Velez

Offline LIZZIE LOU

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  • Posts: 17
Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2008, 07:41:46 PM »
andy...

not "a" christian...my son's name is christian.

wow...live my own life and let him live his?  what is that about?  i am his mother...and being sad is living his life?

give me a break...

Offline redhotmuslbear

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2008, 08:16:46 PM »
wow...live my own life and let him live his?  what is that about?  i am his mother...and being sad is living his life?

give me a break...

LL,

You started this thread with a pity party about "...why did this have to happen?Huh?" and "i'm mad as hell at him for not only doing this to himself...but to me."  Have you pursued Al-Anon or another group for dealing with the isues of being the family member of a drug addict?  It's outrageous and vain to think that your son picked up his first meth pipe or snorted his first bump with the express intent of hurting you.

Crap happens.  Among Gay men, "friends" turn friends on to meth---and before ya know it, a new meth ho is born, usually with the surprise of an HIV diagnosis coming at or near the end of his meth abuse.

Dwelling in the past and wallowing in it is not going to make the present or the future any brighter for you or your son.  Forgive his missteps in your mind and soul, and become a strong support for him.

Peace,
David
"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." - BF Skinner
12-31-09   222wks VL  2430 CD4 690 (37%)
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02-11-08   123wks off meds:  VL 1364 CD4 892(40%/0.99 ratio)
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One copy of delta-32 for f*****d up CCR5 receptors, and an HLA B44+ allele for "CD8-mediated immunity"... beteer than winning Powerball, almost!

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2008, 08:28:40 PM »
Lizzie, that obviously was a failed joke on my part about Christian's name. I knew you were talking about your son and not religion.

As for being his mom and giving you a break -- I am a parent of two sons and I certainly can appreciate that our parental script includes lots of worrying, no matter how old they are. But speaking for myself I have also learned that I have to trust they are taking care of themselves and I am very careful about making suggestions, giving advice, etc. And focusing as much as possible in making my own life good. Which is something they want for me as well. 

I really do appreciate what you are feeling and was just trying to lift it a bit for you.

Maybe I should have just respected your rant, which is something that in itself can be very curative,  just having the freedom to get it all out.

« Last Edit: January 26, 2008, 08:39:06 PM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline LIZZIE LOU

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  • Posts: 17
Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2008, 08:52:12 PM »
this post really didnt have anything to do with his drug use or letting him live his own life.  it was about me...his mother...having a bad day.

thanks for all the comforting words...hhhuuummmmm...i feel so much fucking better.

Offline BT65

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2008, 10:24:44 PM »
Lizzie, I can appreciate how you're feeling.  And you have every right to feel what you feel.  Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting?  Do they have Narc-Anon where you are?  Those places are very good places to vent to others in your situation and get some good suggestions on how to deal with everything you're dealing with. 

What you have to do is to let all the past stuff go.  Easier said than done, I know.  But, it's something that needs to be done.  You can't make things all better.  Your son has to do that.  Just give yourself time.  And hang in there.
Peace~
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline LIZZIE LOU

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  • Posts: 17
Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2008, 12:16:43 AM »
why would i need to go to meetings?  i have been doing that for years.

again...this is not me "dealing" with his drug abuse...geeeez...this is about me being upset that he has hiv.  dont i have a right to be upset?  why does this keep turning into a post about his drug use and dealing with that?

just forget it...this was apparently a huge mistake.  i guess you dont get it...daaaaaamn

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2008, 08:05:16 AM »
Of course you have a right to be upset. He's your son, you love him and you always want him to be well and safe. This life is not an easy one.

In speaking about loved ones, someone I know used to say we're "hostages to fate." And it ain't easy.



 
Andy Velez

Offline Ann

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2008, 08:19:38 AM »
Hi Lizzie,

Sorry you didn't feel heard. My take on the responses you got is this...

People concentrated on the drug issue because while hiv is to a great extent manageable, meth addiction is NOT manageable. Hiv, in many ways, is the lesser of two evils. Does that make sense? I understand your frustration all the same.



sometimes i think that all i want is to die before he does so that i dont have to feel the loss...but then i feel like i hope i am around to make sure that he is getting the best possible care.  IS THIS STRANGE??????    why do i even think about things like this?


Your thoughts and feelings are normal and ok. They're not strange, they just are what they are - thoughts and feelings and it's no use trying to label them as being good, bad, or whatever. You think them because you're human, and also because you're a mother. It's ok to cry sometimes.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline LIZZIE LOU

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  • Posts: 17
Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2008, 09:35:09 AM »
thank you ann...FINALLY...someone actually listened to what i was saying...it was NOT about meth...it was NOT about him...it was about ME and my feelings. 

if i knew how to use the quote feature...i would quote what redhot(whoever) said...but  i dont.  gay men, using meth, and turning into a meth ho had absolutely nothing to do with my post.   i also didnt come here looking for pity.

i have said from day one that getting hiv will allow him to live longer than he would have, had he continued down the path he was on.  i truly believe that.  he is doing awesome and i am proud of the progress he has made.   since his diagnosis...he has made great changes in his life...he married his g/f of more than a year...is working...and has only relapsed two times and it was very short lived (24 hours).  each day...each week...each month... he is finding a strength that he never knew he had. 

thank you ann...i mean it...thank you so much for your reply.

kim

Offline Joe K

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Re: i'm a blubbering basketcase today...
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2008, 01:02:05 PM »
Why do you think of things like this?  Because you are a mother and that is what mothers do.  Way too often parents neglect their own needs as they worry about their children.  I'm a parent and I understand what you are saying and it is OK to be pissed off and feeling down about the situation, because it directly affects you.  I say you rant and rave and get it out of your system.  Take some time to do something special for yourself and hopefully the feelings will diminish.  But even if they do not, you have every right to feel as you do and only by addressing these feelings head on will you find some peace.


Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

 


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