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Author Topic: Why do we keep doing this!!!  (Read 2544 times)

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Offline HIV? poz about being neg

  • Member
  • Posts: 160
Why do we keep doing this!!!
« on: January 11, 2008, 06:24:29 AM »
Every day I wake up and shove supplements down my throat, each week finding the new "miracle supplement" adding it to the last dozen. I think I'm taking about 50 some now and hoping this time they are the right ones. Each month going in for new blood test counting my CD4's and my viral load and then spending the next week praying that this will be the week they tell me they made a mistake. Its been one year...and it hurts I just keep thinking about everything I'm losing.
I have faith in God, I'm a good person and I can't understand why someone would have given this to me.
I do realise I am just as much to blame in this...but how can we as human beings do this to another person. How does that person sleep at night?
I was suppose to be invincible. Now I feel like I'm falling apart. Watching my number decline never really reading any miracles on here what happend to "we are so close to a cure" and all these people we keep hearing about who had HIV and now its gone?
All this bulll all this garbage.. Take selenium dont take it take ECGC and then nope thats no good.. seriously lets get some facts here. Lets truly get to the bottom of these stories is it true or what? Did the guys cure it or what!! 
Did God truly say he does not give us what we can not handle...because I can't.
And damn it if there is something and we can fix this I really need this right now. Please.
Jan/25/07 VL > 100 000 CD4 480 21%
Apr/13/10     Started Atripla
May/11/10    VL !! 300 !!     CD4 520
Jul/15/10      VL    75          CD4 400   27%
Dec/20/10    VL UD             CD4 390 28%
Jan/10/12    VL UD              CD4 670 28%
Mar/31/14    VL UD              CD4 580 37%
May/27/14    VL UD              CD4 750

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Why do we keep doing this!!!
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2008, 07:05:25 AM »
Every day I wake up and shove supplements down my throat, each week finding the new "miracle supplement" adding it to the last dozen. I think I'm taking about 50 some now and hoping this time they are the right ones. Each month going in for new blood test counting my CD4's and my viral load and then spending the next week praying that this will be the week they tell me they made a mistake. Its been one year...and it hurts I just keep thinking about everything I'm losing.

Hi there,

Scanning the forums this morning, your post kind of jumped out at me. Specifically that you seem to be struggling a lot. Acceptance (of anything) isn't something someone can give you, but if you can find a path toward that I believe you will be doing yourself a major favour.

If you dwell a lot on what you think you're losing you are sure to feel miserable. Having HIV in your body isn't the end of the world. I've been living with it for more than 19 years now and living a reasonably satisfying life at the same time so I know that it is possible. Naturally I have some regrets, but we can never go back and change the choices we made. Focusing on them is nothing but a waste of time and energy.

I don't give advice but I would suggest you try to keep things in perspective instead of punishing yourself this way. It won't change a thing.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline milker

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,034
  • Protected phone sex
Re: Why do we keep doing this!!!
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2008, 09:01:56 PM »
No supplement will cure you from HIV.

You should put all of them on your table, and look for the ones that you know are GOOD for you, not because they're going to keep the VL down or the CD4 up, but because they are good for your body. Overdosing on supplements is not good for your body nor it is for your mind.

Stop step back, look at all those bottles, keep the 3 or 4 that will make you sleep well and feel good during the day. And you'll save a lot of $$ too ! Replace them with fruits! Veggies! And forget the "you would need 300 broccolis to replace this magic pill". You don't need 300 broccolis in your diet.

Also, I agree with Daniel, you need to get this condition sink in. You haven't just tested poz, you have been HIV positive for a year now. It's part of your life, make it part of your life, don't make it control to your life.

Milker.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2008, 09:04:25 PM by milker »
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline minismom

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,608
  • Quocumque jeceris stabit
Re: Why do we keep doing this!!!
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2008, 09:08:31 PM »
You say you never hear any miracles on here.  I have a 7 1/2yr old daughter who was born HIV+.  Here is a short list of her miracles:
1. We were told she would never walk - she's walking, running, dancing, and can now roll on her Heelys.
2. We were told she would never talk - Boy, oh boy!  Believe me, she never shuts up!
3. We were told that it would be lucky if she was anything other than a vegitable - go read her thread in "Off Topics" - a vegitable she's not.
4. We were told not to bond with her because she was going to die - her virus has been undetectable for 5 1/2 years.  She'll outlive us all.

Her life has not been easy.  She's never known a day in her life that she wasn't sick.  She's never known a day in her life that she wasn't on meds.  This virus and the meds have wreaked havoc on her little body and her brain.  But, you know what? Try telling her that.  She'll tell you that you're crazy.  She'll tell you that she's like everyone here (on this site) and that there's nothing wrong with her.

 Every day she wakes up is a miracle.  Every blood test that shows an undetectable viral load is a miracle.  Every dance move that's she's able to remember is a miracle.  Every word she says, every complaint, every laugh, every tear is a miracle because she is HERE.  And, you are here. Miracles occur everyday.  Our job is to recognize them.  We will keep you in our prayers.

Mum
www.watoto.com
www.MotherBearProject.org
"Whichever way you throw me, i will stand"
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia"  Charles Schultz

Offline scud44

  • Member
  • Posts: 393
  • I am watching you
Re: Why do we keep doing this!!!
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2008, 11:07:11 PM »
Mini puts everything into perspective for all of us - she is our little Angel and Minismom is the best mom in the world because she keeps reminding us of Mini's life.

Everyone should keep Mini in their thoughts all day - then, believe me - you won't have any real problems

Regards
Scuddles
CD4 = 110 - 30 July 2007 - 10%
VL = 139000 - 30 July 2007
CD4 = 252 - 6th August 2007
VL = 16400 - 23rd August 2007
CD4 = 240 - 23rd August 2007
VL = 400 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 96 - 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 120 18th Sept 2007
VL = 386000 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 160 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 110 10th Jan 2008
CD4 = 311 29th Jan 2008
VL = <50 29th Jan 2008
CD4 = 148 2nd April 2008
VL = 110,000 2nd April 2008
June 2010 and nothing has improved

Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Re: Why do we keep doing this!!!
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2008, 11:40:39 PM »
WOW, you sound a lot like me a couple months ago. My conclusions you may or may not like but...first, supplements and vitamins didn't do CRAP. My number fell like a cheap hooker on a dollar. So after spending all that money, and taking all those stupid pills morning and night I tossed them aside. Two my faith in a caring god....gone. I had always questioned religion, because I am historian and teach history and civics. But any faith in a god that looks after us is gone. I am more a spiritual person that believes there is a higher power out there, but that it really does not either know its created us or doesn't care. I am still figuring all that out, but I know that I no longer fit into any mainstream religion nor do I attempt to locate one of the ermm oddball ones. Is there a cure, not yet. Do hope there will be one , yes. Do I think there will be one, not any time soon. Drug companies make to much off just keeping us alive than creating a cure. So I take my pills, and look at myself in the mirror and wish I didn't have it. I blame myself for catching it, but would still punch the asshole that gave it to me (luckily for him he has stayed will outta my sight  line).

Thinking is what we all do,  coming to conclusions is what we try to do. Will we ever get the conclusions we like? I really couldn't tell you... I haven't yet.

Matt
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

 


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