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Author Topic: Depressed and scared  (Read 8143 times)

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Offline what a life

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  • Posts: 31
Depressed and scared
« on: January 12, 2008, 03:05:25 AM »
This is all new to me. I forget that it is really happening sometimes then like a brick wall reality hits and I "wake up" This is really happing to me. I'm 35 and have aids. I am going to doctors for HIV meds to get my numbers up and I am taking this very serious. Yet I keep asking myself why me? I sometimes just want to hide from the world and give up. I don't and I can't it's not in me to quit. But it hurts so much to find myself at this point. I know and have read about all the different meds for depression and maybe that's the way to go. I have talked with my Doctors but they don't live it, they treat it ( I hope) This is so hard and I know you all know. I am straight and live a clean "boring" life that I was very happy with. Now all has changed. I don't want anyone to know. I did tell a very small amount of family members that are supportive but can only relate on a level of love for me. I am very grateful for this and I don't know how worse it would be with out them. I can count all the "good" things in my life but That brick wall just stops all human function in my life. I'm not sure what I am asking for? Maybe just to write it down. I know there is no magic pill or a snap of someones fingers and the pain goes away. Maybe in time it gets better and I need to hear it. I don't know how to deal with is. I can't control this or at least turn back the clock and my acts. Just move ahead and do my best. But never before have I known these fears. The last 90 days have been a nightmare. I need help and advice.
Thank you for your time reading this
I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. Why me? The past is history, Tomorrow is unknown and today is the present "a gift"

Offline bear60

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Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2008, 11:57:44 AM »
  Well, if its any comfort to you, it's possible to "come to terms" with your HIV and go on and lead your life.  If it takes support groups or counseling or therapy....you just have to suck it up and do it. There is no stigma in asking for help.
 There is nothing like getting the wind knocked out of your sails...and having to get back up and go on. Most of us have done that and yet most of us still suffer from anxiety and depression.  Well, ok, I speak for myself.  Its not been easy. But after 18 years of "living with" ,  I guess I feel that you probably can too.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Online BT65

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Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2008, 11:16:09 AM »
What a life-just give yourself time and also, give yourself a break.  I have a couple questions.  When were you diagnosed & were you diagnosed being HIV+ or as having AIDS?  And what are your counts (t-cells, viral load)?  I know how hard it can be to think of the future, plans you had, dreams etc.  But you know what I found out?  After having this (HIV since 1989, AIDS since 1994), dreams still do happen.  Just don't shut down, that's one of the most important things.  Life still happens and you can be a part of it!  Hope to hear more from you.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline what a life

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  • Posts: 31
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2008, 02:32:48 AM »
I think about four months ago. Time has seemed to move quickly and slow. I know That very soon after I found out I found a ID Doctor that put me on Sustiva , Truvada, and Bactrim. My numbers were T-Cell 49 and Viral load 189,495. After one full month I was tested again and the numbers changed to T-Cell 64 and viral load 139,000. I have refilled for the forth time and I am getting tested 02/20/08 again for a 03/05/08 doctor appt. Not the greatest numbers from what I have read. I hope they improve. The meds didn't seem to effect my mind for the first month but after that It was like a switch went off and I started to get very depressed and run down. I have spoken with my doctor who said we can try other meds.
Hopes for the future are hard and I keep asking "why me" I sure not a strange question. The ITP that I am dealing with makes it even more difficult. The meds and treatments to keep my platelets up are horrible. The other doctor says once I get the hiv under control the platelets should level out. It seems I will have to fight the ITP until the HIV meds have had enough time to help me.
The ID Doctor tells me that the T-Cell count may not change alot but the virile load is easier to drop. I am in good health overwise mid 30s and I don't abuse my body with substances and was working out before this. I have to be careful because of the platelets again so workouts have been put to the side.
As I wrote before I am scared. I am scared of people finding out and being " that guy". I put alot of crap on myself. I picture myself as a living walking disease. I see myself as less then others. This has not done well with my self esteem. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. All that being said I have alot to be grateful for and I try to focus on that. Do I need help? Yes I do. I know I can't do this alone. I don't have alot of friends, well real friends. I know alot of people but is all work stuff. I feel this would be used against me or at least hurt my job. I have only told four people who are family. I have trust issues. I have looked for some support groups with out much luck. I really don't know what I am suppose to do. Writing all this I hope will help. So please give me some ideas. Asking for help is hard too for me but I need it. Just writing that feels strange. "I need help" wow here I am asking for help. I don't think I am ready to walk into a room and see other people so this forum  is a great thing.
Thank you all some much for taking the time to read this without even knowing me and I promise to grow I guess the best thing I can think about is to learn to live and deal with this and help someone in the future. I guess that how this works. 
I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. Why me? The past is history, Tomorrow is unknown and today is the present "a gift"

Offline what a life

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  • Posts: 31
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2008, 02:42:11 AM »
I also wanted to add that I have never used any type of forum or my space type computer thing some I get a little confused with pms and some of the letters used to say things. Or really how the system really works. I think I got it but it too is new to me and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm posting correctly or if thee is a different and better way to do this.
I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. Why me? The past is history, Tomorrow is unknown and today is the present "a gift"

Online BT65

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,462
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2008, 08:13:13 AM »
Hey, glad to see you checking back in.  If you're not seeing one already, I would highly suggest getting a good therapist.  They can work wonders with questioning and low self-esteem. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline tash08

  • Member
  • Posts: 86
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2008, 04:27:11 PM »
« Last Edit: January 24, 2008, 04:33:48 PM by tash08 »
04/01/10 CD4-681, VL-UD
07/10/10 CD4-450, VL-UD
10/10/10 CD4-473, VL-UD
01/21/11 cd4-522, VL-UD
05/02/11 CD4-638, VL-UD <20 copies Hell yeah!
08/3/12 CD4-806, VL-UD

Offline powerpuff

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  • Posts: 138
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2008, 04:45:59 PM »
yup, pretty new myself, i think less than a year. :'( :-*the only advice i could say is get a good ID doctor one that listens

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Ninja Please
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2008, 04:50:33 PM »
It should be noted that Powerpuff is not HIV positive. She should not represent herself as though she is.


Offline Miss Philicia

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  • Posts: 24,793
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2008, 05:10:17 PM »
Well, she's supposed to confine herself to the AAI forum per Tim Horn.  I'm reporting this.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline what a life

  • Member
  • Posts: 31
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2008, 11:55:46 AM »
Good Therapist. Yes I need to find one. I have spoken with 3 different doctors that I am seeing ( ID, GP, and Hematologist) and asked who they know. One of them said they have a very good therapist that would not just give me a pill to take. Only problem is the therapist is full booked. The Dr. is trying to get me in or at least have that therapist recommend someone else. As you all know it hard to find a good therapist and I don't want to ask people at work, friends,or etc. Its tough I have not had good luck with therapists in the past. I am different now and older so I would stop trying.
I like my ID Doctor. The Doctor listens and seems to really understand the disease. All this is alot and I am trying. Thank you for all your help.
I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. Why me? The past is history, Tomorrow is unknown and today is the present "a gift"

Offline what a life

  • Member
  • Posts: 31
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2008, 11:59:57 AM »
I guess I need to proof read my posts before I post them. I wanted to write that I am older and different now. So I will not stop trying. I can't stop because I can't let this beat me.
I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. Why me? The past is history, Tomorrow is unknown and today is the present "a gift"

Offline dapperden33

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2008, 06:44:56 PM »
Hey  I can relate.  I'm going through alot of the same feelings.  A therapist/ life coach is really helping me also I attend an HIV+ outreach group where all can share and really know where I'm coming from without the fear.  This is my support along with a few friends who live far away.  I'm scared to share this with my family and the stress that I place upon myself about my status has me suppressed. That I hope with the help of my life coach and support I can come to terms and way to live a fulfilled life with HIV.  I just keep on trying and riding the rollercoaster.  I guess this means I still have hope.  Keep the faith. :)

Offline Desertguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 183
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2008, 09:25:08 AM »
Hey what a life

Yes it is a great life HUH?
 I found out almost 6 months ago was a basket case for 3 weeks reached out & looked for help wherever  could I live in a small town kinda so a support group of not-ta.  My 1st labs were CD4 140/Vl 970,000 WOW I actually didn't know what it all really meant at 1st but when my Doc said I need to get on antibiotic's ASAP I got scared.  Started taking better of myself, quit worrying where I got it and why me. 
It has made me a better person I think, and as my labs get better so does my mind (labs 01/-2/08 CD4 179/VL397.  Get tested again 03/13/08 hope everything is + LOL
I also really have no friends and have found a lady that lives in the Bay Area that has been a great support, we have talked on phone for 8 weeks & I get to meet her next week!!
I have told a few people also but to no avail, I told both my grown daughters and they have finally accept it.
Just remember that be thankful you wake up every morning, and can take that breath of fresh air each day, I forget all the time that I have this, keep up your work outs even if they are lite, eat well /fruit, sleep, no depression,  look on the many sites available about other things to help bring does T cells up !!!!!

                                   "REMEMBER THAT IT IS ALL GOOD & THINK + "  LOL

Take care

Offline Desertguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 183
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2008, 09:26:54 AM »
Oh I forgot to say that my Lady Friend is also + which helps lots!!!!

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Posts: 27,814
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #15 on: February 23, 2008, 11:20:22 AM »
Actually getting a referral through a friend or someone who has had a good experience with a therapist is not a bad way to get to someone.

Then you have to see if it's the right person for you to work with. In the therapeutic setting it comes down to having the right patient with the right therapist. Someone who works well with someone else might not be the right one for you. So you have to use your instinct about how it's going and include any doubts in your conversations with the therapist.

It's worth working to find the right person because when the combination clicks the rewards in terms of improving the quality of your life can be significant.

Good luck in your search and keep us posted on how it's going.

Andy Velez

Offline gaz41

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Depressed and scared
« Reply #16 on: February 28, 2008, 12:44:30 PM »
I hought I would just drop you a line...when I was first diagnosed i found myself a good ID doctor talked with him and started meds after two lots of bloods a month apart.  I blamed myself for my situation , my own stupidity , i also carried on my life as if nothing had happened except i broke off al contact with my friends ...all symptoms of my depression but i didn't recognise it untill i started having panic attacks and wasn't able to leave the house which is when i saw my GP who referred me to a psychologist who was experienced with HIV from then on things got better ...I must add that from being diagnosed to seeing a psychologist almost 2 years had elapsed and i regret not seeking help sooner , i was worried about the stigma of having mental health problems ..hell I have HIV

I've been living with the knowledge of HIV for almost  five years now and believe me it gets better, only a very few people know my status, and that is what I want

all the best



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