Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Depressed and scared

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what a life:
This is all new to me. I forget that it is really happening sometimes then like a brick wall reality hits and I "wake up" This is really happing to me. I'm 35 and have aids. I am going to doctors for HIV meds to get my numbers up and I am taking this very serious. Yet I keep asking myself why me? I sometimes just want to hide from the world and give up. I don't and I can't it's not in me to quit. But it hurts so much to find myself at this point. I know and have read about all the different meds for depression and maybe that's the way to go. I have talked with my Doctors but they don't live it, they treat it ( I hope) This is so hard and I know you all know. I am straight and live a clean "boring" life that I was very happy with. Now all has changed. I don't want anyone to know. I did tell a very small amount of family members that are supportive but can only relate on a level of love for me. I am very grateful for this and I don't know how worse it would be with out them. I can count all the "good" things in my life but That brick wall just stops all human function in my life. I'm not sure what I am asking for? Maybe just to write it down. I know there is no magic pill or a snap of someones fingers and the pain goes away. Maybe in time it gets better and I need to hear it. I don't know how to deal with is. I can't control this or at least turn back the clock and my acts. Just move ahead and do my best. But never before have I known these fears. The last 90 days have been a nightmare. I need help and advice.
Thank you for your time reading this

  Well, if its any comfort to you, it's possible to "come to terms" with your HIV and go on and lead your life.  If it takes support groups or counseling or just have to suck it up and do it. There is no stigma in asking for help.
 There is nothing like getting the wind knocked out of your sails...and having to get back up and go on. Most of us have done that and yet most of us still suffer from anxiety and depression.  Well, ok, I speak for myself.  Its not been easy. But after 18 years of "living with" ,  I guess I feel that you probably can too.

What a life-just give yourself time and also, give yourself a break.  I have a couple questions.  When were you diagnosed & were you diagnosed being HIV+ or as having AIDS?  And what are your counts (t-cells, viral load)?  I know how hard it can be to think of the future, plans you had, dreams etc.  But you know what I found out?  After having this (HIV since 1989, AIDS since 1994), dreams still do happen.  Just don't shut down, that's one of the most important things.  Life still happens and you can be a part of it!  Hope to hear more from you.

what a life:
I think about four months ago. Time has seemed to move quickly and slow. I know That very soon after I found out I found a ID Doctor that put me on Sustiva , Truvada, and Bactrim. My numbers were T-Cell 49 and Viral load 189,495. After one full month I was tested again and the numbers changed to T-Cell 64 and viral load 139,000. I have refilled for the forth time and I am getting tested 02/20/08 again for a 03/05/08 doctor appt. Not the greatest numbers from what I have read. I hope they improve. The meds didn't seem to effect my mind for the first month but after that It was like a switch went off and I started to get very depressed and run down. I have spoken with my doctor who said we can try other meds.
Hopes for the future are hard and I keep asking "why me" I sure not a strange question. The ITP that I am dealing with makes it even more difficult. The meds and treatments to keep my platelets up are horrible. The other doctor says once I get the hiv under control the platelets should level out. It seems I will have to fight the ITP until the HIV meds have had enough time to help me.
The ID Doctor tells me that the T-Cell count may not change alot but the virile load is easier to drop. I am in good health overwise mid 30s and I don't abuse my body with substances and was working out before this. I have to be careful because of the platelets again so workouts have been put to the side.
As I wrote before I am scared. I am scared of people finding out and being " that guy". I put alot of crap on myself. I picture myself as a living walking disease. I see myself as less then others. This has not done well with my self esteem. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. All that being said I have alot to be grateful for and I try to focus on that. Do I need help? Yes I do. I know I can't do this alone. I don't have alot of friends, well real friends. I know alot of people but is all work stuff. I feel this would be used against me or at least hurt my job. I have only told four people who are family. I have trust issues. I have looked for some support groups with out much luck. I really don't know what I am suppose to do. Writing all this I hope will help. So please give me some ideas. Asking for help is hard too for me but I need it. Just writing that feels strange. "I need help" wow here I am asking for help. I don't think I am ready to walk into a room and see other people so this forum  is a great thing.
Thank you all some much for taking the time to read this without even knowing me and I promise to grow I guess the best thing I can think about is to learn to live and deal with this and help someone in the future. I guess that how this works. 

what a life:
I also wanted to add that I have never used any type of forum or my space type computer thing some I get a little confused with pms and some of the letters used to say things. Or really how the system really works. I think I got it but it too is new to me and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm posting correctly or if thee is a different and better way to do this.


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