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Author Topic: A little joke for the day  (Read 1891 times)

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Offline Jody

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  • Posts: 1,919
A little joke for the day
« on: January 30, 2008, 12:05:06 PM »

 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.  As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
 As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.  Eager to
strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled, and said, "Business.  I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
 He swallowed hard.  Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs?
 Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at his convention?"  "Lecturer," she responded.  "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
 "Really?" he said.  "And what kind of myths are there?"
 "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.  I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
 Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.  "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

 "Tonto," the man said.  "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me


"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline Jody

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  • Posts: 1,919
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2008, 12:12:56 PM »
Subject: FW: Old Folks are Clever


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could  see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.'
Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'  George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'(True Story)
 Ya just got to love them  - Don't mess with old people!!

"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 10,763
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2008, 04:00:05 PM »
Good one Jody. :D
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Just John

  • Member
  • Posts: 267
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2008, 05:15:07 PM »
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.

The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said, "Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outta my nose."

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates , do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triplefilter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates . "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline allopathicholistic

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  • Posts: 3,258
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2008, 05:56:29 PM »

Offline Joe K

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  • Member
  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2008, 06:20:39 PM »
Some residents of Jerusalem are chasing a prostitute through the back streets, when they finally corner her in a dead-end alley.  They begin to gather stones, to stone her to death, when Jesus appears in their midst.  He looks around and says "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone".  One by one, the residents drop their stones and turn to leave, when an old woman makes her way from the back of the crowd and stands in front of the prostitute.

She then proceeds to pick up a large rock, strikes the prostitute in the head and kills her dead.  Jesus then turns towards the woman and says "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off".
« Last Edit: January 30, 2008, 06:31:21 PM by killfoile »


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