Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
November 21, 2014, 02:12:04 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 646779
  • Total Topics: 49272
  • Online Today: 184
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: A little joke for the day  (Read 1516 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Jody

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,838
A little joke for the day
« on: January 30, 2008, 12:05:06 PM »
  NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION

 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.  As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
 
 As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.  Eager to
strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled, and said, "Business.  I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
 
 He swallowed hard.  Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs?
 
 Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at his convention?"  "Lecturer," she responded.  "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
 
 "Really?" he said.  "And what kind of myths are there?"
 
 "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.  I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
 
 Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.  "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

 "Tonto," the man said.  "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba."


 :D



"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline Jody

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,838
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2008, 12:12:56 PM »
 
Subject: FW: Old Folks are Clever


HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could  see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.'
Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'  George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'(True Story)
 Ya just got to love them  - Don't mess with old people!!
 
 
 
 






"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,046
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2008, 04:00:05 PM »
Good one Jody. :D
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Just John

  • Member
  • Posts: 267
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2008, 05:15:07 PM »
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.

The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said, "Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outta my nose."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates , do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triplefilter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates . "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2008, 05:56:29 PM »

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,836
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: A little joke for the day
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2008, 06:20:39 PM »
Some residents of Jerusalem are chasing a prostitute through the back streets, when they finally corner her in a dead-end alley.  They begin to gather stones, to stone her to death, when Jesus appears in their midst.  He looks around and says "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone".  One by one, the residents drop their stones and turn to leave, when an old woman makes her way from the back of the crowd and stands in front of the prostitute.

She then proceeds to pick up a large rock, strikes the prostitute in the head and kills her dead.  Jesus then turns towards the woman and says "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off".
« Last Edit: January 30, 2008, 06:31:21 PM by killfoile »

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.