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Author Topic: i wouldnt call it living  (Read 4498 times)

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Offline justb

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i wouldnt call it living
« on: January 04, 2008, 01:24:00 PM »
On March 23, 2005, during my freshman year of college, I found out that I was HIV positive, and I haven't shed a tear since. I'm sort of in this deluded state of mind right now but before I get there let me explain what happened.

So based on time frames I figured out exactly how I got HIV. For Thanksgiving break, November 22, 2004, I flew home and the night began:
1) Mom is 3 hours late picking me up from the airport, doesn't apologize.
2) I'm grumpy, but that means I'm hungry so we go out to eat. (Bad assumption) Mom decides to tell me we're moving, so I get angry because to me it felt I was losing friends it took me 11 years to build relationships with.
3) We get home and I find out my brother stole over $300 bucks in video games from me. Denies it. Then my sister tells me she saw him take them but didn't think to stop him... So I confront my brother and basically lost it. Of course he denies it and his wife defends him. Neither of them had any credibility either way so it just pissed me off further that they had the audacity to lie to me even though I have eye witness proof.
4) So at this point I feel completely betrayed by everyone in my family. Wondering why I even came home, so I left. I had come from South Carolina to Maryland so a nice transition from 74 degrees to 32 degrees. I left my house in flip flops and a light jacket and walked for about 3 hours in the cold just trying to figure out why the hell my family hated me.
5) Around 2 am I get back to my house, go up to my room, get online and start looking for a hook up. Maybe so I can feel 'loved' or 'liked' or whatever, maybe just to get out of the house, maybe both. So I find the hook up and for some reason skip any even remotely important questions about his sexual health. So Whatever he's close enough but far enough. So I get to his place and immediately things should have been sending some red flags up in my mind, but they weren't. This guy was 21, I had just turned 18. He hadn't gone to college, worked in a clothing store in a mall, lived with his grandma in this really ghetto looking apartment complex. What was I thinking? So anyway the original plan was to get the job done and leave just like I came. But for some reason after having sex about 6 times without a condom (yeah apparently he wanted to make sure I got it and yes I know it's my fault too) I just kinda was too exhausted and didn't leave.
6) Around 8 am the next morning I wake up to a knock on his door and guess who... my mom. So in my emotional stupor forgot to turn off my laptop no less close the IM conversation I had and the mapquest directions.

So to recap, I feel like my family hates me, I got HIV, and my incredibly anti-gay mom found out I was gay. Great great night. Been suicidal off and on ever since.

So life goes on, come March 16th, 2005 (ironically my mother's birthday) I gave blood as part of a school blood drive. Then I get a lovely email from the blood company. Have to meet the guy in person, And VOILA~! Let the emotional destruction begin.

So this guy wants to give me the impression that he cares and tells me that he'd stay in touch and 'help me through this.' Yeah that happened....

I just kinda bury it. I hadn't come out to anyone, and I certainly didn't want to be. That whole gay stereotype is so far from me it disgusts me to think that someone would try to force me into that category without thinking about who I really am. Incidentally I thought being gay and having HIV was even more stereotypical. The last thing I wanted as a college freshman was to lose the few friends I had. Retrospectively I wish I would've just been honest with who I am, that way I wouldn't have been in these positions where I'm afraid of who's going to like me and who's going to hate me.

In other news I was this kid that had never in his life been sick or hospitalized. Getting a horrible rash from Acute HIV syndrome freaked the hell out of me. But it went away and everything was fine again until winter 2005, I get home from school for winter break and I get this awful like bumpy rash but not really skin reaction. So for the first time in my life I see a doctor. Eventually I get a referral to an infectious disease specialist and make an appointment. Everything about him just turned me off. I'm not picky, I don't think, I'd just like to believe that my doctor actually cares about me. From the moment I called to make an appointment I kept getting the impression that it was more of an inconvenience to see and treat me than anything else. So two months after making the appointment, if finally go in for the appointment. He basically tells me nothing I hadn't already read about. Gives me a list of tests to complete, and sends me on my way. I get the tests done and haven't heard from him since. I don't even know the results of those tests.

There really is more to the emotional side of this story but I'm sort of tired of typing for now so I'll do it later. Meanwhile, I'm still not being treated for HIV after 3 years now. Luckily my CD4 and CD8 counts are normal. I only wish I had someone to walk me through this and show me where to go. Though before I'm even willing to do that, I need to figure out why I really want to be alive. What is my purpose here. Sucks to go through this at the same time a normal 21 year old is trying to figure out what they want to do with their life.

Offline mjmel

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2008, 01:59:52 PM »
Welcome to the forum. I hope you share the rest of what's on your mind. I hope you learn from this site and look around and ask questions. To gain knowledge and some sort of stragety for your HIV+ life is to be empowered to take charge of your future. I would call that living.........cuz, for me, it's been 17 years and counting.
You sound quite like a normal 21 year old to me.

Mike M
« Last Edit: January 04, 2008, 02:01:41 PM by mjmel »

Offline manchesteruk

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2008, 02:02:11 PM »
So I get to his place and immediately things should have been sending some red flags up in my mind, but they weren't. This guy was 21, I had just turned 18. He hadn't gone to college, worked in a clothing store in a mall, lived with his grandma in this really ghetto looking apartment complex. What was I thinking?

Why should that have been sending red flags up in your mind?  I don't understand that one!

As for everything else, have you considered counselling or group therapy at all?  I realise you might not want to tell famiily and friends yet but talking to someone else and getting things out in the open may help, it certainly did for me.  Keeping all this completely to yourself isn't the way to go it will eat you up inside.  You need to take charge of your situation and get out there!

Chris
Diagnosed 11/05

"Life is too important to be taken seriously" Oscar Wilde

Offline Cliff

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2008, 02:26:42 PM »
Hi Justb,

Please get some counseling and try to locate a HIV support group for young adults/newly positive in your area.  I think you could use a safe space to sort out your feelings and emotions right now.

Cliff

Offline redhotmuslbear

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2008, 04:00:29 PM »
Justb,

Glad you found the site.  Now, start taking charge of your life.  I got myself bugged up at 17 while having lots of rough unprotected sex in college, and I'm 42 now with a 3.9 GPA in graduate school, a place I never thought I'd be.  Your family and friends can make a lot of decisions that impact you, but it's your choice to let those impacts be a catalyst for growth in your life or despair.

Namaste,
David

P.S.  Don't mean to be hardass, just the big brother in me coming out!
"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." - BF Skinner
12-31-09   222wks VL  2430 CD4 690 (37%)
09-30-09   208wks VL  2050  CD4 925 (42%)
06-25-08   143wks VL  1359  CD4 668 (32%)  CD8 885
02-11-08   123wks off meds:  VL 1364 CD4 892(40%/0.99 ratio)
10-19-07   112wks off meds:   VL 292  CD4 857(37%/0.85 ratio)

One copy of delta-32 for f*****d up CCR5 receptors, and an HLA B44+ allele for "CD8-mediated immunity"... beteer than winning Powerball, almost!

Offline anniebc

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2008, 04:08:51 PM »
Hi Just

First of all welcome tot he forums.

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time and I agree with the guys so far regarding the counselling and trying to find a support group in your area.

When you say

Quote
Meanwhile, I'm still not being treated for HIV after 3 years now.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, do you mean:

1..That you haven't seen an HIV specialist in the last 3 years?

2..You haven't had any blood work done during that period?

3..That you are not on meds yet, or unable to get access them?

If you can give us a little more info about this it would help the guys give you the advise and support you need from us.

Do you know what your your VL and CD4 levels are?.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Hugs
Jan

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2008, 05:08:20 PM »
I only wish I had someone to walk me through this and show me where to go. Though before I'm even willing to do that, I need to figure out why I really want to be alive. What is my purpose here. Sucks to go through this at the same time a normal 21 year old is trying to figure out what they want to do with their life.

Apparently, you are here to be a leader among men.  Superman could learn lessons from you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKd1Ugp0giI&feature=PlayList&p=F58A0F6DF96D29CD&index=3&playnext=4&playnext_from=PL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline BT65

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2008, 07:22:51 PM »
Hey Just:

Welcome to the forums.  You'll find some very loving, supportive, and sometimes very humerous people here.  I whole-heartedly agree with the guys about the counseling and group therapy thing.  I tested positive in 1989 and started counseling in 1991.  It helped tremendously.  Getting a neutral outlook really helps.  And the group thing is really good also, being around people like yourself, let's you know that you're not alone.  Feeling alone is a horrible feeling. 

I have the same questions as Jan.  Do you know what your CD4s are and viral load?  So, you're not seeing a doctor for the HIV?  Have you been in touch with the ASO (AIDS Service Organization) in your area?  That might be a good place to start to get a good doctor referral and therapist referral.  Please let us know how you're doing.
Peace-
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline sacinsc

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  • Posts: 353
Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2008, 07:58:19 PM »
Hey bud,

I can relate to a lot about what you are saying. I was lucky to have a doctor in DC who cares. I don't know where you are right now, if you are in SC, thats where I am from. Currently living here right now too - but back to DC soon I hope. SC has nothing in the way of a support structure, Maryland/DC has a lot which is why I am moving back there.

My life has been a living hell since finding out, however, having this forum to vent in and having a good caring ID doc has helped. I had to go on meds immediately so for you to go 3 years without even help is good. I would recommend finding a doc that you trust. Depending on where you are ask people here. We know our docs well, some like theirs some hate theirs. But we can recommend someone for you. In the end, it is really important to have one cause things like the rash will pop up and they can help. I am going back to mine in DC next week just to talk about some dermatology issue. Been commuting to him every 6 weeks from SC, but its worth it to have someone you care about. So you may want to do a little commute to get a good one.

Having people to talk to is really important to me. I have a set of friends that know. I also joined a social group in DC that I hang out with when I am up there. We go to dinner, parties even to clubs as a group. Nice to have those people to talk to and not just about HIV.

I can really relate to not liking the stereotype issue. People don't know I am gay but if they ask I would say yes. I'm not ashamed of anything and you shouldn't be either. Yeah you have HIV just like me, and it's no ones business. And no one has to know unless you tell them. But don't be ashamed of yourself.

Counseling is a really good idea too. I go to a psychiatrist and a psychologist to vent to. Although for me a gay group therapy seems to work the best. Just a comfort issue. Easier to talk about issues with people that understand.

If you are in SC or DC area then let me know dude. I am in both places pretty equally now. Maybe I can help you some how.

Anyway, get some help, get a doc...keep track of your numbers. And don't think you are labeled in any way at all. You are still you.

Matt
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline milker

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2008, 11:45:34 PM »
Well you're still normal. The fears you are experiencing are actually the fears of others regarding your condition. You're not the plague and you're not going to kill people by smiling at them, but that's what they think. Educate them, or ditch them. Take the meds when you are ready to take them, get rid of the viral load, get your CD4s back up and go on with your life. You're just another 21yo, they're just other weak people, you seem stronger, take advantage of it.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline justb

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2008, 01:57:43 PM »
Ok, so time to fill in some info since I see I've misdirected some information.

In regards to my CD4 and VL; my CD4 count is normal and my viral load is fine I guess, don't really know as no one has ever thought to inform me.
Better yet, I never thought to ask.

My initial CD4 count when I was diagnosed was 1034 ppm and I really have no way to tell you what it's done from there.

As to "having not been treated in the past 3 years I meant, I saw an HIV doc and he was worthless, and every time I see my normal doctor now for whatever it is he always gives me this puzzled look when I say I'm not taking any medicines, then gives me the line about 'It's really important that you take care of this now.. blah blah blah."

So here's why I'm afraid to get help. My dad is retired military and that fucking sucks for health insurance. Had I gotten this in high school I would've gotten the best health care for free. Now I'm running around every step of the way get referred from one doctor to the next. Thank you HMO's.... I Loathe you. But this lovely insurance I have only works right here in like half of the state of MD, and that sucks when say something happens to me in SC. Also considering it's a 9 hour drive from my school to home and I'm a poor college student it's not really worth it to see some doctor that doesn't give a shit about me. Yeah I've tried to find some other doctor, the problem is just that with the nature of my insurance just about no one outside of Baltimore/Annapolis area will take it. Furthermore I'm completely terrified to even attempt to get help while at school because an incident in Thanksgiving 2006 put me in the ER twice, and my insurance company still won't pay. Likely because it wasn't in the state of MD. Who knows. That's the purpose of insurance companies right? To fuck you over every step.

Yes the solution seems simple: get new insurance. Wrong. I graduate from college in 6 months with a BS in Biochemistry and a minor in Japanese, and hopefully get a job with a pharmaceutical company.( I think as many of you know I'll need a job with a good insurance policy or it'll be an expensive adventure for me.) That being said, I don't know if that means I'll still be SC, MD, NY, MA. Completely have no idea. Also my dad is the one responsible for my health insurance based on the divorce agreements from way back in the day, and we've always had problems, and he's too much a cheap ass to ever help out. I guess I shouldn't expect him to care though, I mean you don't see or talk to someone for 5 years, the next time you see him you're a sick little boy. Yeah I should probably tell him, but I never saw the purpose. Either way, changing now would mean getting my dad to sign all these papers and whatever and he definitely is stubborn and wouldn't. He'd say just tough it out. And hell with 6 months, sure why not. If I last that long then maybe I'll finally feel like I'm supposed to stick around for awhile and things will start coming together for me. I'm not really sure.

Like I said before I know what to do. I know what help I need. I really just don't see the point in me getting it.

So yeah this takes us to 'why not see a psychologist/psychiatrist?'

Technically I could easily see one at my school. There's HIV/AIDS support groups. For me it's one thing to talk behind the shield of your computer screen, it's another to talk to a person. When I'm on here I tell the truth because there's no bad consequence. In person I tend to omit information about what's really eating at me because I don't want to let them see me bleed so to speak. Before I said that I haven't cried a single time since I found out I was +. Truth being I never looked at HIV as a curse or as a bad thing. Honestly to me it was a gift. I couldn't off myself and now something was gonna do it for me. A whole shit ton of stuff has happened to me and I'm really just sick of dealing with it. Somehow, I always get that revelation about how I fucked up and how I caused it and how I can change myself to better that. Eventually, I got to the point where I said no, I'm not going to keep changing myself because someone else can't deal with who I am or what I've done. But in order to do that I've had to seal off my emotions so that all people saw was the cold exterior. Now how ever many years after the fact I'm chipping away at this armor and finally showing people this me that I haven't let people see. I'm starting to ramble I know.

Let me digress. Here's reasons I don't care about nor trust psychologists.
1) I hate talking about my problems in person. Hell I hate doing it in general. Mostly because the answers you can post here are thought out and can be edited. In person you either spout something out or sort of pause. And if you don't understand here you can go back reread and quote for clarity. Can't really do that in person.

2) I'm not the 'lets sit around and talk about why you're afraid of the dark' type of person. The way you get over your fears are to face them. The way you get over depression is to face it and throw yourself out there. You can't really think about hitting rock bottom. Trust me I know every time I thought I couldn't hit a new low, I managed to. It's like a sadistically fun game. But see that presents a problem in and of itself. Why can I just go and do and not care with anything else and yet I don't feel like dealing with this. When it comes to my personal health I just sort of put it on the back burner and see what happens.

I can't even follow my own advice when it comes to something important like this. Makes me wonder if I even care about me.

Anyway I'm beginning to forget what all I typed out, so I'll add more later based on what you want to know.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2008, 01:59:32 PM by justb »

Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2008, 02:47:21 PM »
Dude, you need a therapist to vent this shit to. Thats the point to say stuff without editing it, what you say would be the real truth behind things and the therapist can then help out. What school are you going to? When are you back in Maryland?

Matt
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline mplsdoubled

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2008, 03:11:21 PM »
Hey there!

You are CLEARLY a very bright, accomplished guy.  You have A LOT going for you - a degree, youth and a whole world of love and support IF you want it.  Seriously.

I know, this can totally suck and I'll never tell you that it's a bowl of cherries but you can either choose to focus on the negative or focus on the fact that you also have some great things going for you and work with that.

I know it's hard to understand when you're feeling the way you do but TRUST ME it can get better!  Even better than that, life can be great!  I tested positive in September so I haven't had a lot of time to deal with it but have found that a positive mental attitude is my greatest tool for living.

You clearly want some help or you wouldn't have posted here.  Let your guard down, put the bullshit and anger aside for a bit and throw yourself into taking care of yourself.  If, after you start to take control of things and feel better, you can go back and be angry and bitter again if you'd like but I bet you won't want to.

Keep your chin up.  Life IS worth living even if we don't know why.

Doug

Offline Cliff

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2008, 03:23:27 PM »
Justb,

I think you'll find that apprehension to counseling/therapy is quite normal.  As part of the assessment process, your therapist will work through any barriers to therapy that you may have.  I agree with Doug, you're going to have to let go of some of the anger if you want to start taking steps to improve things in your life.

As good as the forums are (and the internet), it's not an appropriate substitute to therapy/counseling.


Offline BT65

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2008, 05:54:14 PM »
Just, you have some definite anger/what sounds like depression.  The whole idea of seeing a therapist is to get down to gut-level honesty.  Not to sensor yourself.  That's the only way you're going to feel better.  Since you're still on your dad's insurance, I'm assuming you're young.  Good.  You've got awhile to sort things out.  But the only way that's going to ever happen is for you to get help.  We're here for you, but not in the same way a therapist/support group can be.  Only you can take that first step.  If nothing changes, nothing changes, know what I mean?
Peace-
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline justb

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #15 on: January 05, 2008, 11:21:03 PM »
Yeah honestly I'm not an angry person, I'm a person who feels dejected. I don't build up rage or aggression in regard to this issue. I'm going through a couple of unrelated medical issues right now and theres sort of enormous stress at home right now that it's sort of difficult for me to be dealing with. I'm not trying to use this as a means of therapy. All I'm doing is venting, not asking for agreement or acceptance. Like I've said before it's not that I don't know what to do, I just can't find a reason to do it. It's painful right now but I've gotten a lot better. HIV isn't challenging my life at this point it's the other things.

Please understand the anger and fear and stress thats embodying me, is being relayed through my writing because this is an emotional issue. I'm typing through stream of consciousness rather than thinking out each step. Maybe I will go see a therapist. I just really have to convince myself that I want to get better. Going to a therapist can't help you if you don't want it to, ya know?

Life is confusing. I'm about to graduate college and go off on my own, what's not to be nervous about. I don't have a clue what I'm going to do. I really never expected that being the youngest of 4 kids and have to pioneer my way in everything. AND YES! I am complaining, because I really really need to get it out of my system. I'm the person everyone else chooses to lean on, this isn't a side of me that frequently gets exposed. No it's not hiding myself. I gain strength from being there for my friends and family and those that choose to rely on me. I feel weaker when I have to rely on them. I'm not used to needing to draw strength from others and change happens slowly I suppose. I feel like I contradict myself every now and again too.

I don't know. And I'm not trying to act like I do know. Yeah I'm gonna stop defending myself now, that just means I feel guilty.

Thank you for your advice and concern. I'll keep you updated with what happens. I don't think I'm gonna check out of this life anytime soon  :D

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #16 on: January 06, 2008, 11:01:52 AM »
sound just about right for someone your age.  who said life was easy?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline mjmel

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #17 on: January 06, 2008, 11:57:42 AM »
Well justb, I understand the contents of your posts. I get it; you're venting. You're prioritizing. Sometimes we need to do just that.....cuz it clears the bullshit we feed ourselves and that others feed us. So we organize what's inside just to get life to make sense.
Another thing that sorts things out really well is aging..........growing up.......because both perspective and hindsight offer help with the things we do/think/act out.

I understand everything you wrote and it could have been me writing much of it (at an earlier point in my life)....except for this part:
"As to "having not been treated in the past 3 years I meant, I saw an HIV doc and he was worthless, and every time I see my normal doctor now for whatever it is he always gives me this puzzled look when I say I'm not taking any medicines, then gives me the line about 'It's really important that you take care of this now.. blah blah blah."

Find a doc you can like and get a current read of your labs--just to monitor what's happening in your system. Just for shits and giggles ::) ........you know, till you decide the 'whys' of living.
"blah blah blah" = have you never understood what he's saying?
It would be wise to keep tabs on what's happening or not happening while you survey your horizons. The fact that many health insurances are a mess & struggle is no secret to this website or it's members.  ;)

Good Hunting,
Mike M

Offline David_CA

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  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #18 on: January 06, 2008, 12:07:04 PM »
Like I've said before it's not that I don't know what to do, I just can't find a reason to do it. 

The only reason that I can see to do much of anything is... for you.  You're likely to be around for a good while, so why not be a better, happier person while you're here?  It's kind of like why you went to college; to give yourself a better life.  In my opinion, you do know what to do and why to do it; it just takes quite a bit of admitting that you need help and putting forth the effort to find it.  I hope things improve for you you improve things soon!  Take care and stick around the forums; there are a lot of great people here.

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline justb

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #19 on: January 06, 2008, 01:58:47 PM »

"blah blah blah" = have you never understood what he's saying?


Actually the problem is I've studied immunology, physiology, cell biology, biophysics and biomechanics to the point I'm becoming a rising star in my field. Sometimes I wonder if my doctors can understand yes I do know what's happening to me on a very intensive level. Yes I do know that I need to get help. Sometimes I just need someone to stand behind me and give me the push in the right direction. I don't like feeling like a baby but sometimes it would be nice to have someone hold you hand and say 'we'll get through this,' especially in those time you just wanna break down and quit living all together.

And to give you an idea that I have turned this into a positive, I've decided to become an Oncologist/Hematologist so that I can give people the care that I never got. I don't think there's a better way to make patients feel comfortable than to offer them a success story in living flesh.

Offline minismom

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  • Quocumque jeceris stabit
Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #20 on: January 06, 2008, 02:09:13 PM »
Sounds like you are heading in the right direction.  If you have the numbers that the doctor gave you, you can post them here and someone will be able to answer any questions you may have about them.  If the issue is that the doc hasn't given you the results, then please know that you have a right to the results.  They are good to have.  If you don't feel you need them now, the time may come when you may wish you had them.

Glad you have found us and have joined us.

Mum
www.watoto.com
www.MotherBearProject.org
"Whichever way you throw me, i will stand"
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia"  Charles Schultz

Offline Xavier

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #21 on: January 06, 2008, 09:52:56 PM »
sounds like you need to get laid.  I used to think the same way, nobody was helping me, whatever...but you know thats not what I really wanted.  I did my research I know where I am and that I will be okay so now whenever i feel stressted about my situation i read some of the blogs i do have a friend that I text every so often too.  You'll be fine just stay ontop of things until you graduate and stop stressing, I graduate in 9 months and i CAN'T wait.

Offline BT65

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #22 on: January 06, 2008, 10:30:25 PM »
sounds like you need to get laid. 

What a strange response.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline justb

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  • Posts: 7
Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #23 on: January 12, 2008, 02:13:05 PM »
sounds like you need to get laid.

Haha, I don't have any problems in that department. When I first got this I thought if people knew I would be shunned and my sex life would be over. Turns out, the only people that give me that response are the ones I don't want to be around anyway.

Staying mentally positive is such a pain in the ass sometimes.

Offline mjmel

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2008, 07:10:09 PM »
 8)
Congratulations on deciding on a direction/field of focus.
Yes, a close buddy is invaluable in times when we feel down or just need a lift of spirit.

Mike M

Offline wishihadacat

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  • Posts: 220
    • Therainstorm.com
Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2008, 10:31:02 AM »
Just, I don't know how different a gay 21 year old is from a non-gay 21 year old, but you sound a lot like me when I was your age, although if anything, you are more expressive than I was.

That augers well for you. If that sounds like I have a pretty high opinion of myself, it's because I do. I'm not the perfect being by any stretch of the imagination, but I've been around a while and done some pretty great things with my life. I suspect that you will too.

You've been blessed with a lot of intelligence and given the gift of insight that many people do not share. Use it. There will be other bumps down the road, but you'll overcome those too. I won't repeat the other advice you've been given so far in this thread because it's all good. As I think someone else observed, you will be a leader - you will give to other people and help them in turn do the same -  and that in itself, will help you get through it.

Patronizingly written by someone who is older than your father,

David (one of the other Davids around here)






Your name here  X_______________

Offline puertorico2006

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2008, 03:18:03 PM »
I understand your stress and frustration...

I'm sure part of it is related to HIV emotional issues but the rest of it is just part of "growing up" and being unsure whats going to happen next. I'm 24 and i still get stressed out because im going to graduate and have no idea what im going to do next...

You seem a lot more put-together than me when i was 21 (i was a mess) so just try to stay calm and enjoy life :-D

-Josh
(who can't wait to graduate in June)
Infected Probably: may 2005
Diagnosed: 11/2006

11/28/2006 CD4:309 / VL: 1907 No meds yet
12/27/2006 CD4:339/  VL:1649 No meds yet
  4/28/2007 CD4:550/  VL:1800 No meds :-)

Offline justb

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #27 on: January 14, 2008, 10:36:50 PM »
yeah ya know now that I even think about it... How do I go about finding treatment for this. I'm out of my insurance area, and I'm supposedly only here til may when I graduate.. if i graduate on time. Not really sure where to start.

Btw, I'm in Clemson, SC but I live in the Annapolis area of Maryland. I'll have to do some research I guess but if anyone wants to volunteer some information to get me started I'd appreciate it.

Offline sacinsc

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  • Posts: 353
Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #28 on: January 14, 2008, 11:14:16 PM »
Man I am so sorry about the Clemson thing. Tough break...next time go for the cock...GAMECOCKS....GO COCKS! Third generation graduate of the real USC :) But now I have officially moved back to DC. Next time your home say hey. MAL is next weekend. If you come back up here my doc is awesome in DC. In SC, nothing there. I know USC's student med center is pretty good though, no clue about Clem and Son's Veterinarian Hospital :)

Matt
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline justb

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Re: i wouldnt call it living
« Reply #29 on: March 02, 2008, 07:43:19 PM »
well new updates. finally starting seeing a therapist. so we'll see how that works out for me. I've become incredibly suicide prone in the past few weeks and even when i'm in this good mood it just hits me like a bus. So I'm doing what I can. meanwhile I'm still not seeing a doctor and haven't really figured out how i can change that. So who knows what's to come I guess.

 


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