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Author Topic: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)  (Read 3511 times)

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Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Hi all: 

I haven't written in a long time. Today is Jan 2nd. It's 2:04 am. I just arrived home from the 6th sex-date tonight. And I feel like sh*t

Perhaps you queer guys, who take the time to read this, will recognize the pathetic scenario I am about to describe. In fact, I have no f*cking clue about why the h*ck I am writing this here. Perhaps, because this is the only place, that I think someone may understand me. Without judgment.

The Christmas season is officially over. But It has been very painful to me. I mean, physically-health-financial wise, I am ok. But it is this freaking loneliness and feeling of emptiness that is killing me. Without counting the fact that I feel as the broken toy in the box. I saw couples all over town shopping and laughing, and saying "I love you". Suckers. It was like if the whole world would be with their love, except me. Nope, Alex. Not for you. You were not invited to the L list. But gues swhat? Second prize : HIV.

And then, yesterday, Jan 1st 2008, I left my parents house with whatever stupid excuse came to my mind. And wanted to bury this feelings. The feelings of memories of happier days, of times when my cell phone would ring, when the email would come, when I was sharing a hug after sex, with a nice person. Dreams

And I decided to bury everything. And went on a sex-alcohol-cigarettes spree . Saunas, dark rooms, web-to-real sex. Only to come back to my house. And face my reality. It is alone. No one is waiting for me. No love at all.

Can you believe not even Sustiva helped my efforts of getting drunk, so I would not remember? Or at least, not give a damn thing about the whole world? No, not tonight.

Will it ever end? I want to convince myself that everything happens for a reason. That there is a lesson to be learn. CAN"T SOMEBODY JUST FREAKING TELL WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO, AND LET ME REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR????  WHY AM I STILL HERE? WY DO NOT YOU JUST LET ME DIE AND SHOW SOME MERCY???????

And no, nobody listens. No response. Only the tears from my eyes. Just them. And my place is a mess. Bottles of liquoer all over the place, cigarettes everywhere, clothes in the kitchen. All for nothing. Because the pain is still here. Not even my dear friend sleep wants to come to my eyes.

Fuck

Alex





« Last Edit: January 02, 2008, 02:34:22 AM by LatinAlexander »
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2008, 02:57:55 AM »
Have you thought about going to a support group or seeing a counselor? Drowning your anxieties isn't going to help as soon as you sober up you still have the same anxieties.

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2008, 03:21:54 AM »
alex, first things first, you are not alone. mindless self indulgence (a rather nice band also) is something a lot of the guys in my group (myself included) fall victim to on occasion. i would follow up with rod's advice - see if there is a support group or some form of counseling available. yup, after the sex/drugs/rock & roll are over, all the shit that lead us there is still waiting for us. my therapist/group is great, i don't know where i'd be without them.

i don't know if this is appropriate - but the person who should be loving you first is yourself. and you have to know it's not all for nothing, it's for you buddy. anyhow, enough said. take care man and i hope this new year brings you your heart's desires.   
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2008, 05:19:16 AM »
Alexander, make friends with yourself.

Keep your chin up.

Walk proud with who you are and what you are and stop looking at what others have to compare yourself in those terms.

If you have forgotten who you are or lost your way then seek some counseling, as recommended,
to help you get reoriented and 'in touch' with self-worth..........as it seems you are being too hard on yourself.
Is counseling even available in your area. Does that concept of counseling bother you. It's not the classic psychiatry couch scenario you may (or may not) imagine it to be.

Hey, Alexander, if I was in your neighborhood, I'd surely want to be your friend.

and, yeah, many of us have had to clean up the mess like that after a bash!  ;)

I wish you a successful year, buddy. I wish you insight most of all.

Mike M

Offline joemutt

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,042
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2008, 06:37:06 AM »
Alex, I think it's great that you have the courage to write about this. It's the feeling of emptiness that grabs around trying to find satisfaction in anything. And then feeling more empty. It will take a lot of courage and strenth to deal with it head on. Many people struggle with this, it sometimes is difficult to fill the emptiness with something wholesome. I wish you a happy and loving new year.

Offline DancerBoy

  • Member
  • Posts: 281
  • 5,6,7,8 step touch step touch
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2008, 07:22:38 AM »
I agree with Joe entirely... Sometimes it's easy to spout off the "deeper problems" bullshit.. but that's not helpful to you.... While I'm sure there are issues that you need to deal with, it was a fun weekend....  Just enjoy it for what it was worth and move on.. You're a great person, and you know that... One day someone who appreciates you will com along and this will all seem so juvenile  to you... That's what all I always say... Look 5 yrs ahead... does it matter? In the grand scheme of things, does it?
Boys are Stupid

Offline mplsdoubled

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2008, 08:09:46 AM »
I can't add much more than has already been added.  I've been there and I've done it.  It AINT pretty, I know.

The effort and energy that you are exerting to participate in seemingly self-destructive behavior should be channeled to healthier activities - support groups, therapy, etc.  I know, I know - easier said than done but it is possible. 

I will tell you from first-hand experience that it is easier to engage in healthy behavior than non-healthy behavior although sometimes our mind would have us believe otherwise.

Love comes to those who love themselves.  If you treat yourself the way you describe, you cannot expect anyone else to treat you differently.

Prayers and well wishes to you, my friend.  Don't give up.  Today is a new day.  Yesterday is over.  Leave it in the past and move forward and do something good for yourself today.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,080
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2008, 08:55:57 AM »
OK, I am not a queer guy, but I've been where you're at, Alex.  I echo what Roddles said about counseling.  And you know, no matter where you go, there you are.  You have to love yourself first.  I think one of the best ways to accomplish that is to uncover your self-worth through the guidance of a good therapist.  And support groups are great also.  Just hang in there and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace-
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2008, 09:59:59 AM »
No love at all.

This has to come from within, first.  I don't intend this to sound mean, but I've been around people that don't love / care for themselves.  They're not ususally fun to be with.  They're emotionally draining.  They may be good for a quick lay but not for a day-in, day-out relationship, which is what it sounds like you're wanting.  You've got to quit concentrating on what's wrong and get on with life.  This may be through a counselor or a group thing, or it could be something you do on your own.  I think Mike said it well:
Quote from: mjmel
I wish you insight most of all.
Take care.

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,647
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2008, 06:46:45 PM »
Alex,

Stop being so hard on yourself honey.   I'm sorry things aren't the way you'd like for them to be in your life right now......but you are going to have to work at it a little bit harder, ok?   A night (or week) of sex and drugs is not the answer, but many of us have tried to go down that road.   It didn't work.

I hope you find peace, my friend.

Love,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline red_Dragon888

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,811
  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2008, 09:46:10 PM »
Funny you should say that Alex for I just went through the same thing.  It is like in the addiction of having sex is that all is good and all is well, but after all the sex and the feelings are gone, it like just me and my bruised ego.  I know that sex is not the answer but it take up the space of time and I don't have to deal with the "God dammit" I got to fight this need to fuck.  I don't have the answers cause when the feeling comes I just go with it and hope it won't last.  However, the feelings promises such ecstasy and euphoria that it are too hard for me to resist.  I have nothing to say expect that maybe it is a animal thing that must be fed or a psychology thing that must be healed.  I can say that I use to be down on myself and this cause mental pain.  I rather just get use to the fact that I am just a man (human) and in my case sex is an addiction.  In reality I do not try to deal with it any more for it comes like the seasons and I have learned that it is easier for me to just let it run its course rather than to fight it.  In truth I would have rather not admit to this but I guess because of you post I have a reason to release my secret demon.  Either way the guys I have been with seems to have the same problem.  They are not looking for love or anything near that.  They are just like me carrying the ball and chain to fill the need to have sex.  Well, I already regret writing this but ...  never mind. And yes I know I need help but like the saying goes... it is easier said than done... 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2008, 12:30:02 AM »
I am 100% with you bud. My friends tried to help me forget about the crappy yeah I had by taking my to Philli for a wild sex weekend. After it was over I go so depressed and despondent that I did go to hospital for help. The feelings you have I know really well. Finally after group therapy and individual therapy I am realizing that it is my own self-esteem issues, that I hate myself more than anything. My depression and anxiety leads me down that same stupid path every couple months and I self-destruct. The best thing I did was going in for therapy. I still am not 100% but at least I know the root of my problem. As David said, you gotta love yourself first, and I know I don't love myself. So the self-destructive behavior comes back. I am trying to get through this. I think you should try it too. Find a gay group therapy. I never opened up like I did with a psychiatrist or therapist like I was forced to with the gay group therapy. They peeled away at my layers really quickly because they understood. It was really comforting to be in that situation after it was over with and i had cried like never before. Give it a shot dude, trust me, it has helped me get closer to liking myself.

Matt
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline red_Dragon888

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,811
  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2008, 08:44:49 AM »
I agree.  I was much happier when I was in a couple and had someone to deal with my feelings and to help me explore my hidden or submerged emotions.  It was not so much selfhatred as it was feeling lonely and lost and without love.  Groups do help but they have problems of their own and you gotta be in it to understand.  But that's another topic.  I just think that to have someone to help you with it is good but then you are dependent on that person to be there all the time.  In the end, (an over used phrase), it must come from the inside of you.  You must see the pattern you have let yourself fall into.  You must be an observer and see and ask yourself why I am doing this and what is driving me to go there.  I find fighting the compulsion keeps you from seeing the real reason and from solving the dilemma.  Just ask yourself why am I having to do this and what am I getting out of it.  I guess for me I liked the selfhatred because it make me feel good in a bad way.  I also liked being out of control so I could just not feel responsible for my actions.  And I also had no trust that I was capable of changing to the person I wanted to become.  A person who knows himself and understand that he is human and can create beauty out of nothing.  These just some of the embedded feelings I just did not take the time to focus on.  To me it was the "Dirty Old Man" (DOM) syndrome and all the negative implications that goes with it.  But it is deeper than that and it is easier to kick the DOM, myself, than to really try to understand why I was having these compulsions and where they were coming from.  Lastly, be careful not to get too low and try to help yourself or find help. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Hi guys and gals:

These days, I have been feeling better. Working a lot, and with Christmas season behind, things seem to be geting back on track. I will definitely look at your advise. I would like to try a therapy or something. I will look for it, and see if there is anything anonymous here.

I want to thank you all for your words. Man, I LOVE THIS PLACE!!! Also, thanks to those f you who have written PMs. I have read them all.

Why is being gay, and having HIV so difficult?

Alex

Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,080
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2008, 06:49:47 PM »
Try being bisexual and having HIV. :-\
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline yes2life3

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: :'( And yet, another night of wild sex (parental advisory required)
« Reply #15 on: January 09, 2008, 07:34:40 PM »
Or worse Bettytacy..Being married to a neg man and your pos and he doesnt touch you in all the years since you found out you were positive. UMM 9 years now .we dont hold hands we dont kiss we dont even hug..so at least the fella who started all this has a shot to find someone and be happy. Its just gonna take time.But dont sit back and wait for shit to happen get out there and mingle.. :o
never surrender

 


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