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Author Topic: Where did I go wrong?  (Read 1287 times)

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Offline Jerry71

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  • Posts: 955
Where did I go wrong?
« on: December 12, 2007, 09:44:09 PM »
This question keeps going through my head after the death of my farther last week.

Things have really changed for the worse since he left this family last week. I have noticed a difference in my mom. All she ever tells me anymore is to grow up and start acting my age? This she tells me every day. I really don't understand what else there is too do. She want's me too stop being jealous? Of what I don't know!

I only have one true friend in this world and that is Lisa for not ever meeting her I would have truely been lost.

I keep telling myself things bound to get better sometime down the road. She told me not to come back on here! This is my only place on the internet that I can come to vent my issues too and that is being seen by someone in my family.

I still too this day have to hide behind a wall about my sexuality and my sickness with living with HIV.

When it really comes down too it all my dad was hard on me about being gay. But he was always there too talk too when I was having issues with my mom. My mom and my sister are like one person they comunicate to one another on a daily basis. I try to talk too my mom but we have nothing in common to talk about when we are in the same room together I can feel the hurt she has toward me.

I guess maybe sometime I wish I never had contracted this disease and never gotten a divorce from my wife and maybe had a few children and lived a better life but I know deep down inside I would never had been happy. I will and will always be me and no one is ever going to change me. I can not be forced to love someone and be happy if I am being told I need to grow up and love everyone in my family.

It just seems like a dream that will never end. If only I had done something better with my life. All I can say is that I tried and that is really all I can do! :'(
« Last Edit: December 12, 2007, 09:52:22 PM by Jerry71 »

Offline dgr20002

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Re: Where did I go wrong?
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2007, 09:52:14 PM »
Wow Jerry. I got the same treatment from my mother too fkr many years. Then she decided she didn't have a son anymore and so I don't have a mom either. That was about 7 years ago. But you can only do what you can do. You need to be happy with who you are and that is all that matters in the end.

David

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Where did I go wrong?
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2007, 09:59:17 PM »
You're in my thoughts tonight, Jerry. 

With regards to your Mom, try to find some common ground with her, some "easy" things to bring up in casual conversation.  You may never have the relationship you desire with your mother, but if you can have some meaningful conversations about subjects that are "non-threatening" to each of you, it could lead to better days down the road.

  That's what I had to do with my Mom.  I couldn't talk to her about HIV or about the grief I felt when my husband died of AIDS.  Mom was too bitter and it hurt her terribly when either subject was brought up, therefore I got no support in that department.  That was years ago, and since then we have grown closer. 

It just takes time, don't expect so much so soon right now, so soon after your father has passed.  Give it time.

~ Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline leatherman

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Re: Where did I go wrong?
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2007, 11:24:53 PM »
You're in my thoughts tonight, Jerry. 

With regards to your Mom, try to find some common ground with her, some "easy" things to bring up in casual conversation.  You may never have the relationship you desire with your mother


Hey there Cindy ;D although I kinda agree with your advice, let me speak from another point of view.

Jerry - Sometimes you have to move forward in your life and leave behind those who don't want to come along. Parents are generally the most bigoted anti-gay people on the planet. Many gay people are outcast by their parents from the moment of disclosure; others had to cut the ties their hateful families later on.

I see in you profile that you're in your mid-30s. That's seems to be a little late to be having the "gay identity crisis" with your parents; but it's never easy whenever it comes about. However, since you are "older" and your own man now, you have to decide. You can use Cindy's advice and try to patch things up with your mom (I say at least give this option a try!); or you can move ahead with your life and move away from the hate.

Personally, my Baptist Bible-thumping father and I were never going to see eye-to-eye on my sexuality and I moved away from home at 20, never able to finish college. I sent bday and holiday cards for 5 yrs with no response before moving ahead with my life and leaving my dad behind to deal with his own hateful feelings. Ten years later with no communications between us, he passed away. It's very sad; but HE left me out of his life.

Unfortunately, I'm not really the one you need to chat with if you need counseling about being gay, coming out and having hateful family. (I'm a computer guy, not a therapist LOL) I'm sure that they are others here who can help you with that much better than I. But I did want to point out, this issue with your mom could be a battle you might never win. Sometimes no matter how much we try, like Cindy suggested doing, sometimes there isn't any way to outcome the stigma of being gay with your own parents. Then you can do nothing else but move forward with your own life.

I'll be thinking about you and hoping you have a good resolution to this issue.
(either a better relationship with your mom, or NO relationship - either way is a better than letting this fester in your heart and mind)

mikie
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline Pilot

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  • Posts: 126
Re: Where did I go wrong?
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2007, 12:19:32 AM »
Jerry,
Sorry for the loss of your father.  Losing a family member is always difficult for everyone in the family.
First off, you can "what if", until the end of eternity and never find the answer you seek or change what has happened. 

Time is the only thing that can possibly make things better, as each person in your family comes to their own personal peace with what has happened.

Your Mom is going to have a hard time for a while and you must just be patient with her until she finds her own path for her future.

As far as telling you to grow up and stop being jealous.  It may be that she has always felt that you had some kind of special relationship with your Dad even though you said that he gave you a hard time about being gay.
That could have been his way of finding out if you would be able to handle being a gay man. She may also feel that you are jealous of her relationship with your sister. 

This is of course my personal speculation on the situation.  Only you are in a position to figure this out.

The main thing, is that you have to come to peace with yourself first....then you will be surprised at how much better you will feel and how much help you can give to your Mom and sister.

We all have the personal baggage of life and I see no reason to add to my collection and nor should you.
I personally recommend that you set it out in the alley for the refuse man to pick up...you wont miss it !!

Do the best you can with what you have and at the end of the day no one can ask you to do any more.

You have found a great place to vent and plenty of nice people who will offer the best advise they know how to give based on their personal experiences.  So dont be afraid to ask.  Who knows, you may find a huge pearl of wisdom in here somewhere.

Pilot

reposted...first one got lost somewhere.......

Offline DCGUY2007

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Re: Where did I go wrong?
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2007, 01:41:54 AM »
Jerry,

sorry to hear about the lost of your dad. My dad died too. My parents were married for 30 years and it was really hard on my mother. I had a difficult time discussing things with my mother at first too now she is very supportive. I found out one time that part of the problem was that she blamed herself for me being Gay. She felt it had to have been something she did in parenting that caused me to be Gay. But also after my dad died my mother was very sad and depressed. I realized a lot of her comments and actions towards me were just a sympton of her being sad and frustrated about my dads death.

Your mom is probably still griefing. I think, like Cindy mentioned, things will probably get better between you two but it may take time. Hope everything works out.

Offline lucas clay

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  • Posts: 518
Re: Where did I go wrong?
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2007, 03:51:01 AM »
Jerry
you made the best call you could, you cant beat yourself up with what if. you will drive yourself crazy doing that .
I'm sure your mom is hurt and lost right now, and I'm sure you are hurt and lost also.
you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

                                                                   Lucas

Offline BT65

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  • Diagnosed + 1989
Re: Where did I go wrong?
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2007, 07:10:43 AM »
Jerry, I am sorry about the loss of your father.  You are who you are.  Your mum is still probably really hurting from your father's death.  Just give her some time.  If things don't improve, I agree with Mikie, that it's time to move on.  Find your own peace.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Where did I go wrong?
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2007, 08:13:57 AM »
Jerry, your mother is NOT angry with you. You are just close for her to take her anger out on. That is a normal response to death. Your mom is just going through that part of grieving. Try not to take it to heart. That phase will pass. Hang in there Jerry, things will get better.

 


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