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Author Topic: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+  (Read 4661 times)

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Offline mystory83

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Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« on: October 11, 2007, 09:30:55 PM »
I am absolutely terrified because of a situation I have put myself in. I recently broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of September, over one month ago. About two weeks ago, I received an e-mail from him saying he went and got some blood tests done because of severe swollen lymph nodes on his neck, and he came back hiv+ and that I need to go get tested. At first the doctors thought he had lymphoma.

Obviously I was terrified by this revelationů we had unprotected anal sex on several occasions, I was mostly active, but sometimes I was passive. He is also from Germany, (I am in Canada), therefore it was long distance at times. Essentially, I had exposure several different times throughout the past year (2 weeks in March); (3 weeks in June) and most recently,  approx.12 days at the end of August 2007.

I now realize how incredibly stupid my actions were.  I first met him in October of 2006, and we had PROTECTED sex while he was here in Canada visiting family from October 2006 until he left in December of 2006.

However, he convinced me to start having unprotected sex with him when I saw him again in March as he said he had tested negative in January of 2007. I realize how very fucked up this story is and I am incredibly sorry and angry at myself. I have always practiced safe sex with my partners, he had convinced me this was different.

As soon as I found out he was HIV+ (on September 28, 2007) I went and got tested that day. I am aware that this is too close to the last date of my actual exposure (Sept. 7) but I felt like I had to DO SOMETHING or I was going to lose my mind.

For the past almost two weeks I have been scared for my life/seeing it flash before my eyes, and I realize how incredibly stupid I was. This was someone I was in love with and I trusted him. I now have serious doubts over his story that he didn't know he was HIV+.  He mentioned to me after I broke up with him that he had slept with someone in June of 2006 who he later found out to be HIV+. But he said that in December of 2006 (a full six months later), that he went and got tested, and came back negative. How possible is this??? I have serious doubts that he would test negative six months later and I really wonder if he is lying to me, which makes the whole situation even worse.

As of today, it's been 8 full working days since I was tested and I still have not heard anything back from the clinic.  My friends who I have confided in keep saying "that's good that you haven't heard back" but I am so scared. Every day I have been waking up with the feeling of dread that I will "get the call"

I should also add that I haven't had any of the symptoms described online but I realize that not everyone gets these. I am pretty much freaking out by touching my glands and lymph nodes every 10 minutes however and I swear I am making them tender all by myself. I am so stressed about my stupid judgment call that it's difficult for me to even function right now.

Obviously I pray that I dodged a bullet but I am seriously scared shitless because of such a high-risk situation. Any advice would help.

Offline Ann

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2007, 07:26:31 AM »
my,

For a start, keep your hands OFF your glands - touching them all the time to find out if they're swollen can actually MAKE them swell. Stop it! Now!

The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by six weeks - but a six week negative MUST be confirmed at the three month mark. And yes, where labs are concerned, no news is usually good news. As it's been eight working days since your test, it would be entirely reasonable for you to contact the clinic to find out when you can go in to receive your results.

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex with a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results. Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mystory83

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2007, 09:14:02 AM »
thanks Ann for your response. I did call the clinic last night just to confirm they would only be calling me if there was an "abnormal result." But they can't tell me if my results are in over the phone, so I am going to go check in person this afternoon.

I promise I will consistently use condoms from now on, this has been a horrible experience. I will also go back at the 3 month mark to get re-tested just to make sure. I have been abstaining from sex period since I heard he was HIV+.

What do you guys think about his "story" that he slept with someone in summer 2006 who was HIV+, and when he went and got tested in December 2006, it came back Negative?  How possible is this?  ???

Finally, thanks for this website, it has helped a lot.

Offline Ann

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2007, 09:26:45 AM »
What do you guys think about his "story" that he slept with someone in summer 2006 who was HIV+, and when he went and got tested in December 2006, it came back Negative?  How possible is this?

my,

It isn't possible. If he'd been infected in the summer of 06, he would have tested positive by December 06. He's probably had unprotected intercourse since then with someone who he thought was negative, but wasn't.

That's something I've talked about recently elsewhere on these forums - hiv isn't mainly being spread by people who are hiv positive - it's being spread by people who are hiv negative - in their dreams. This is why regular testing is so important. Too many people ASSUME they are hiv negative, without the benefit of testing to back them up. The vast majority of people who are hiv positive make sure their virus stops with them.

And yes, occasionally people lie.

Don't dwell on whether or not your ex is lying or has been lied to or hooked up with someone who only assumed they were hiv negative. The important person in all this is YOU. Get those test results and go from there. It's all you really CAN do. Here's hoping you get a negative result. If it's been six weeks since your last incident with him, then you can relax a bit, but make sure you confirm at three months.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mystory83

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2007, 01:09:11 PM »
Hi,
Just wanted to update you.. I got my test results back today and they are NEGATIVE for all STDs including HIV. I am so relieved... even though I know I am not out of the woods yet, I feel a bit better. I was convinced I had contracted the virus... your body can play such tricks on you.. I already feel better since hearing the news... I have been so stressed out about this, I've been making myself sick.

I did get re-tested today again, now that it's been a full six weeks later, so I am hoping for the best and that my results don't change. My initial test was done about 3 1/2 weeks after my last exposure, which I know is not really long enough, but I felt like I had to get tested.
Hopefully this latest test comes back neg as well.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2007, 03:40:57 PM »
The average time to seroconversion is 22 days. All but the very smallest number of those who are going to seroconvert will do so within 4-6 weeks after a risky incident. So if as we hope you test negative at 6 weeks that would be very, very encouraging.

Fingers crossed for you. Keep us posted.

For future reference, and I'll say this just as a serious cautioning, have intercourse with whomever you want to. Just make sure the insertive partner is ALWAYS without exception wearing a condom. Dispensing with using condoms is a huge decision to make and should only be considered when it's a SECURELY monogamous relationship in which both partners reliably test negative together.

Again, good luck with your 6 week test.

Cheers, 
Andy Velez

Offline mystory83

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2007, 04:18:13 PM »
thanks Andy. Will keep you guys posted.

Offline mystory83

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  • Posts: 8
Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2007, 01:06:22 PM »
slowly I am finding out more information about my ex and who he got this virus from. I just found out he "figured out" who he got it from... a friend of his who has been lying to him about his HIV status.. apparently this guy has been HIV+ since 2005 and my ex was having unprotected sex with him.

My questions for you are about timelines:

My ex says the last time he had unprotected sex with this friend was in early March 2007 -- although I have serious reasons to think he has had sex with him since then... they are very, very close friends.

I stupidly had unprotected sex with my ex for 2 weeks in late March 2007; 3 weeks in June 2007; and most recently from August 27 - September 7.

I got tested on September 28, (21 days later) as soon as I found out my ex tested HIV+ --- my test results were negative.

I don't really understand though why my results would be neg., if my ex had HIV since March 2007... ??  Isn't that a lot of exposure for me? Obviously I am relieved at the negative results.. but I am confused.


I should also note my ex got very sick with a flu like illness around September 20... he had to go to the doctors because his neck was swollen.. his lymph nodes were about 1 inch big.


I am still awaiting my second set of results (I just got re-tested at 6 weeks). I am worried sick ... but I hope these results will be negative as well.

I just need a bit of peace of mind here... I have to wait another week for these second set of results and I am going CRAZY. 

What do you think the chances of my three week negative turning positive at six weeks? I have had no exposure for over six weeks now. I know three weeks is not conclusive.. and neither is six weeks... but can I be encouraged by the three week negative? 

thanks and sorry for the novel-like long post.



Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2007, 02:11:26 PM »
my,

Any negative test result is encouraging.

Nothing you talk about with your ex and timelines matters. The fact  is that you had unprotected intercourse with someone whose status you did not accurately know, therefore you need to test out to three months after your last incident of unprotected to find out if you are still hiv negative or not. Sorry, but that's just the way it works.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mystory83

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2007, 02:18:43 PM »
 :)

Just got my six weeks post exposure test results: NEGATIVE!

Please tell me I can relax a bit.

I understand the majority of people would test positive by 6 weeks. I have no underlying health issues.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2007, 05:23:12 PM »
my,

Yes, you can relax as your result is not likely to change. You do, however, need to make sure you confirm your negative status at three months.

And make sure you use condoms in future!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mystory83

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  • Posts: 8
Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2007, 04:15:49 PM »
thanks Ann. Yes, I will get re-tested at three months, and will never put my life at risk like this again.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2007, 05:44:04 PM »
I just want to reinforce what Ann said to you about something. Cease and desist as in drop all the sherlocking you were doing about your ex and when he did what with whom. It's not going to give you the answer you want and it's actually none of your business.

You're doing just what you need to do for yourself now: you're getting tested. That negative at 6 weeks is very encouraging. All but the smallest number of those who are going to seroconvert will do so within 4-6 weeks after an exposure to the virus. The average time to seroconversion is 22 days. So I am expecting you to continue to test negative.

Until such time as you may sometime find yourself in a securely monogamous relationship in which both partners test negative together, until that time if you are having intercourse the guy must always without exception wear a condom. It doesn't matter how great he looks or what you think you know about him. A condom is a must.

Good luck on your next test. I expect you will come out of this ok. Stay productively busy and the waiting time will pass more quickly than you may imagine is possible.

Cheers, 

Andy Velez

Offline mystory83

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2007, 08:57:12 PM »
i just wanted to share the good news  :)

i got the results of my three month test today and they are negative.

what a huge relief. I had to go and look at the paper for myself ... the anxiety and stress over this has been like nothing I had ever experienced before.

For everyone out there who convinced they HIV, go get tested... I had convinced myself... thinking my neck was stiff, my lymph nodes were swollen, my throat was getting sore.. etc etc. and now, a big fat negative.

To be honest, the internet scared the sh*t out of me.. so STOP searching about HIV and HIV window times all day because you will make yourself sick. I have been thinking about this non stop for the past three months, re-assessing my whole life.

I am looking forward to moving on from this experience. Thanks for your support all.

Offline anniebc

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Re: Found out ex boyfriend was HIV+
« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2007, 09:40:02 PM »
Mystory

That is good news..keep yourself safe from now on and remember ...CONDOMS AT ALL TIMES, NO EXCEPTIONS.

Take care

Jan
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