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Author Topic: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope  (Read 1691 times)

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Offline Amosboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 156
  • Music is the panacea.
Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« on: November 26, 2007, 11:26:56 PM »
Hello "Old Friends" and "New Acquaintances",

It's been a long time since I've posted around here.  I can't say that it was due to anything other than an overactive summer and fall, full of switching careers (long overdue) and dancing around romantic idealism (outside of a twelve year monogamous relationship).  Both activities resulted in more self-awareness, self-acceptance, and a resurgence of hope in my ability to entertain change, as it is as inevitable as the seasons.  I sort of had a midlife crisis (well, not really a crisis since nothing terribly bad happened) but I did feel the need to explore my inhibitions "on line" by swapping all sorts of naked pictures with strangers on the internet.  Maybe, it was my way of seeking some attention and fulfilling my need to still feel attractive to other men.  Of course, I left a lot of men frustrated since most of this happened on ManHunt.  I even had myself convinced a few times that I could be a sexual robot and just meet up with some hot guys "for meaningless sex".  However, in the end it always came back to my need for intimacy with a real connection with someone, and this, of course, is so frowned upon by most that are on the ManHunt site.  I often got the question, "If you are looking for something other that just sex, then why are you even here while you still have a boyfriend?"  I don't think I could come up with a satisfactory explanation for my behavior that just didn't sound like a total crock of shit to most guys.  And I was showing my hard cock to a lot of strangers and then just wanting to have a more intimate connection with them beyond the quick "Lick it, Stick it, and Leave" scenario.  Basically, I was being emotionally selfish, though not completely narcissistic since I was fully aware of the potential negative consequences and laid all of my cards on the table with my potential suitors regarding my boyfriend and HIV status.  Surprisingly, most of them could have cared less about either and just wanted to either suck, fuck and be done with it.  The boyfriend clearly stated, "If you do anything, I don't want to know about it", after I had presented my curiosity about exploring intimate avenues with other men.  Ultimately, nothing really came of any of it other than frustration.  In general, I found that most men were either "put off" by my desire to connect beyond the physical or were just really quick to say that I was an asshole for even wanting more out of any kind of connection since I already had a boyfriend.  All in all, it was a great lesson in self-awareness and pushing my own boundaries emotionally and physically with men.  After being with the same man for twelve years and still gleefully joined most days, I can't really apologize for the desire to connect with other men on all levels, though something inside of me sort of keeps me tethered.  I often wonder what I would do if someone would be willing to jump off of that emotional cliff with me at any given point.  Now that would be a true dilemma beyond the evil clutches of just ordinary guilt and karmic consequence.  I have fully accepted that fact that my expectation level of what two people can rise to is mostly a self-generated notion of romantic idealism.  I also know that this lesson will be revisited again and again throughout my life.  It is a deeply rooted need (but mostly hope) that I will find other men in my life who will be willing to take chances that they might actually be able to fly one day.  That butterfly feeling in my gut and that rush of exchanging views on unexplainable things with someone new will always be tickling me somewhere deep inside.  But like most things that are so intensely beautiful, they are also just as fleeting.  I don't think that they are meant to last forever.  I don't think the human heart or spirit could keep up with that level of intensity without the soul exhausting itself.  The risk and fall have always been worth the reward and height of the emotional flight. 

I'm glad to finally be in a place where I can write and relate to everyone again.  It has been an interesting journey to say the very least.  And to those here who I have not yet been acquainted with yet, intensity is my shadow.

With respect, Brooks
« Last Edit: November 27, 2007, 01:05:20 AM by Amosboy »
"Love isn't love unless it's not painfully absurb."

-Charlotte Martin

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2007, 11:37:06 PM »
Amos,

Matty the Damned is delighted to see you posting again, but babe it'd be easier to read if you invested in some paragraphs. :-*

MtD

Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,311
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2007, 11:44:25 PM »
If you've managed 12 monogamous years in a gay relationship, you deserve a bust or a commemorative stamp.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2007, 12:00:09 AM »
Hello and Welcome Back from a "New Acquaintance."

Ooooh, yes, need some paragraphs, lol.   :o

~ Cindy in Maryland

HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,019
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2007, 12:05:07 AM »
HOWDY Brooks.  Welcome back!
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Amosboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 156
  • Music is the panacea.
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2007, 12:24:35 AM »
Paragraphs are good...but double-spacing might be easier to negotiate on the mindway express.  I hope to

stick around for a little bit boys and girls and not to worry, I haven't lost touch with my primal side side so I

am still up for posting a provocative picture every now and then  ;D  It can't be butterflies and rainbows

all the time.  And I still like to dance naked under a full moon but I gave my copy of The Spiral Dance to a

friend in need.  And I still say that kissing is so underrated.

Brooks
"Love isn't love unless it's not painfully absurb."

-Charlotte Martin

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Ninja Please
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2007, 12:26:23 AM »
Ooooooh. I love to kiss.

It's so hot. :-*

MtD

Offline Amosboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 156
  • Music is the panacea.
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2007, 12:46:34 AM »
Matty,

As for the kissing, this is way this is going to go.  You can be a hungry little bear cub, and my mouth is a pot

full of warm honey.  You don't need to hurry and make a big mess out of my mouth...there is plenty of honey

in there for you to consume and it's so much better if you just take your time because the pot is magical and

never runs out of sticky goodness. 

(Paragraph)

If you accidentally spill any honey on my chest or anywhere else, I won't scold you but that will have to be

addressed in another NC-17 topic later.  I don't want to scare the children away with anything othere than my

Disney-esque imagery here.  Winnie The Poo and Piglet are big stars in other alternate universes.  Another

topic, another time.

XOXO

Brooks
"Love isn't love unless it's not painfully absurb."

-Charlotte Martin

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2007, 01:05:36 AM »
Hey Amos...It's good to see you posting again. Sometimes we just feel the need to do things out of our box. No harm, no foul and your bf was bit of a trooper about it all. Now about Spiral Dance, are you talking about the book by Starhawk? I have that but has not even read it yet. Is it a good read?
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
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Offline Mouse

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  • Posts: 1,463
  • Om nom nom.
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2007, 01:18:39 AM »
If you've managed 12 monogamous years in a gay relationship, you deserve a bust or a commemorative stamp.


Seconded.

I can totally relate to the relationship thing. I did something similar with a guy (although the relationship was much much shorter) and eventually lost him because of it. I know what it feels like to be in a great relationship but still want to go after other guys, not necessarily for sex but just because you can. Every time I did it though there was something missing - and it was my boy and the connection I had with him.

I don't think human beings are supposed to be monogamous, but fuck, sometimes we are foolish. Glad that you're aware of what's going on in your mind and stuff to consider all of it logically. Most people just don't care. Nice to see you around again and hope you stick around to keep posting. =)

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,105
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2007, 05:56:20 AM »
Brooks..

how good to see you back

For those unaware : Brooks once offered to make a  Cd-compilation of your choice in a thread.
He not only searched for the songs, but found many others and sent me A DOUBLE CD FOR FREE

I have never forgotten that gesture Brooks and I cherish that gift.

Your story tells me that you are a sensitive man looking for more connections of the heart. Indeed much more forfilling then the fleshy ones.
We are spiritual beings and function in so many different ways, not yet known to mankind.

I want to honour another member : Matty. The .Damned : he saved my life, not once but twice. Came in the darkness and left before dawn....you are a hero to me Matty , and a rare gem. And I know many people on here don't know that side of you. Thank you baby.

Love

Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline BT65

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  • Member
  • Posts: 9,915
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2007, 07:41:08 AM »
I love how you write, Brooks. It is so full of passion.  Welcome back!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline AlanBama

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  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2007, 10:48:39 AM »
Brooks!   I am so happy to see you back honey.   Like Herman, I am still enjoying the CD's you made for me!

I've missed you around here, sweetie.   Don't stray so far from us this time, ok?  Some of us old folks worry about y'all, whether you realize it or not.

hugs,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline northernguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,347
Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2007, 11:35:32 AM »
....
am still up for posting a provocative picture every now and then  ;D  It can't be butterflies and rainbows...
Brooks

Please visit the I Admit it...I LOVE PORN!!! thread.  Soon.
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=5747.1700
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Offline Buckmark

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Re: Self-Awareness and A Resurgence of Hope
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2007, 12:01:12 PM »
Brooks,

I'm happy to see you back again.  It sounds like you've been on an very interesting journey.

... And I still say that kissing is so underrated.

I couldn't agree more!

Hugs,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

 


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