Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Has anyone been in this place before? Help!

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med forum:
Without going into a million details, would anyone have any advice or previous experience
in the following.......(If you read some of my previous posts I go into some detail about my serodiscordant relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years.)

I have been his number one supporter through the last year and a half since his diagnosis and within the last 4 months found out that he had cheated on me. We've had a great relationship with a lot of trust
but he's had so much on his plate (especially in the last 10 months).

My question is.....why would he have opened the door to potentially jeopardize our relationship? What would have drove him to do this? I have tried to talk to him about it but he either gets very emotional or just completely shuts off and locks himself up emotionally. Would anyone have the slightest clue? I'm struggling to comprehend this?

Please help

Andy Velez:
There are lots of reasons why he is doing what he's doing and not wanting to talk about it either.

What you need to do is make sure you are taking good care of yourself. You might contact an AIDS serivce organization in your area and see if they offer counseling. Both group and individual settings might be helpful to you.

In the meantime make sure your partner knows you are available to talk. This is not easy stuff to deal with so make sure that you are getting the help you need. And you're welcome to talk here as much as you want to.

Cheers,

perspiry:
"Yeah" to what philly said and also remember life is life is life.  Shit happens, as they say.

Your boyfriend's HIV status may or may not have anything to do with his infidelity.  The issue stands by itself unless he states a connection.  Just because he's poz doesn't cut him slack on 100% of his actions.  He's a responsible adult as are you.  I hope that doesn't sound cold or unsupportive. 

As for his ability or willingness to talk, is discussing relationship issues an activity the two of you do or have done before?  My ex-ex never could discuss anything but I later decided the main reason was he took "carpe diem" too literally and didn't want to think about or plan for tomorrow together.  That's not what I attribute to your BF, certainly, only an example. 

If you've been together 3 years I guess you have discussed other situations and issues but this one is still too raw or scary or XXXXX for him to talk about.  You know him best so think about what you need now and try to negotiate a compromise or wait if that strategy might make things worse, but that depends on your needs/feelings. 

If nothing else let some time pass and see how he acts.  If something is going on with him it will probably surface again.  Sometimes we don't need to discuss an issue so much as learn from it and if you can trust him and he doesn't violate that trust again his mistake may help strengthen your relationship.  Again, another example, not a prediction.

I joined the forums a week or so ago and haven't read your previous posts so if anything above is too off my apologies. 

Good luck,

JA

justice3175:
In 2002, i was diagnosed with the virus, while starting a new relationship with someone negative. About 14 months later, I cheated on him with someone else. There were several reasons as to why:

1. There were problems in our serodiscordant relationship. He was pulling himself away from me emotionally. He wouldn't even kiss me for fear of his old skool ways of thinking. I, myself, was suffering through a depression, still, even a year after the diagnosis, trying to grasp my whole meaning and purpose of life (that actually never went away while in that relationship).

2. I was getting involved with someone who did nott know I had the disease, and if he didn't know I had it, that meant it never existed. (No worries - we never did anything risky...even he got paranoid when he found out just because I kissed him.) Basically, to me, it was an escape.

3. there is only 1 reason why people cheat (as an expert cheater, I know) and this reason is because something is MISSING in the relationship. In my case, it was communication, as well as intimacy and affection.

I am now in a new relationship, and we have made a pact that if we feel there is anything wrong in our relationship, whatsoever, we will tell each other, to avoid the straying...

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