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Author Topic: new to serodiscordant relationship  (Read 4880 times)

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Offline Jove

  • member
  • Posts: 2
new to serodiscordant relationship
« on: October 28, 2007, 05:21:59 PM »
First of all a big thank you for creating this site... have spent countless hours searching the web for info and this site is the closest I have found to answering some of my questions.

So hopefully you folks can give me some new insight ... I am new to a sero-discordant relationship ( surely there must be a better term). I am HIV - and my boyfriend is HIV +. A new experience for both of us. In the past he has mainly dated other pos guys and has never felt the need to use condoms. There is definately a connection between us and I don't want to let the issue of condoms and our opposite status destroy the chances of a pontentially great relationship. Our dilema is that a) he is not used to using condoms and has erection difficulties and delayed climax when using them, and b) thinks that they detract from of sex. Having said that he is a very caring guy and does not want me to become infected. Any tips on how we overcome these issues would be fantastic.

BTW I am very HIV aware and have already read heaps on sero-discordant relationships - I guess I am after a few practical tips. We both want this to work and communicate really well. We have just hit a bit of a wall and need some external insight

Offline Ann

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  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2007, 05:53:18 PM »
Hi Jove,

You might like to start by reading through all three condom and lube links in my signature. Then crank up your imaginations and work out ways of incorporating the act of putting a condom on into your foreplay. Condoms really can be made to be sexy - it's all in the mind and how you perceive them. They say some 90% of good sex is in the mind anyway. ;)

Good luck - and welcome to the forums!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,893
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2007, 11:06:56 PM »
Hey Jove

The thing is - you want to do whatever you can to remain HIV neg! It feels much better making love while you're negative than not having a condom. Take it from a poz guy. ;)

I said what I just said because your boyfriend has a tendency of not using condoms, to a point that he cannot get hard with one. He needs to be convinced to change this a bit. I have some suggestions perhaps you and him can explore a bit: 1 - cockring, if he hasn't tried one before, it really helps to keep an erection, 2 - other toys such as dildos can also help to keep the sex fun for both you and him, 3 - extensive erotic foreplay; it doesn't have to be penetration everytime, learn other sex plays such as massaging.

Before I begin to sound like Dr. Ruth I will stop.

Best of luck, Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2007, 02:26:41 AM »
you could just do him till he gets use to the idea of wearing a condom : )
love ann & shauns advice too!
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Jove

  • member
  • Posts: 2
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2007, 03:33:53 PM »
Hi again folks ... and thanks for the advice. Seems my post was a bit premature. Chatted with my new b/f last night and looks like the FREEDOM to have condomless sex really is way too high on his list of priorites - Friday night an old friend of his visited him. They shot up some speed together and then had sex ... apparently sex with his friend without a condom felt awesome! Sometimes open and honest commucication isn't what you want to hear. Well at least not for me in this case. Anyway lesson learned I guess ...

Offline structuredjen

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2007, 03:42:27 PM »
Sorry to hear the news Jove,

Making the change from condomless to condomful sex is not an easy one, I can attest, but there are things in this world that I think are worth it.  I'd bet you are.  It's just too bad he didn't take the time to find out.


My best to you-
Jen

Offline Lakis

  • Member
  • Posts: 83
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2007, 06:51:50 AM »
Hi,
I'm since 17 years hiv+ and I have behind me few relationships with neg.Condom(if used correctly)can save person life.My last relationhip of nearly 4 years is a prove.So talk with Ur boyfriend,learn how to make fun of using rubbers,make it part  of Ur foreplay....just use it!

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2007, 04:38:21 AM »
hey man,

i read your thread a couple days ago and its been swimming around in my head. especially tonight, i just have to know what happened. did you two work something out? you never said you were in a monogamous relationship, it just appeared that the loaded polyamorous sex was a deal breaker. was it? are you okay?

this is a complex situation, i just hope you are in an okay spot mentally/emotionally/physically. if you need to chat, hit me up man. take care of yourself.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline bearby

  • Member
  • Posts: 41
  • April 2007
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2007, 04:50:12 PM »
YES there sure is a better term and I know it only far too well !  :)
 I know it only far too well because I learned it last year myself that instead of calling my mate the negative half of the relationship I now call  him the negative half of our sero-diverse relationship or even depending on who I may be talking to or making reference to about our mixed status relationship I might even have and still do call him dad bear in reverence to our 15 year age difference ( yes he is 15 years my senior ) and now that we are fast approaching our 22ND year as a couple I can  for one pay homage to  who ever it was that said it's better to be safe then turn up positive !
Have you preformed your random act of kindness today ?

Offline bearby

  • Member
  • Posts: 41
  • April 2007
Re: new to serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2007, 04:57:30 PM »
I just thought of some thing else on this subject ( OK I had another senior brunette moment is more than likely why I did not think of it before  :(  ).
 Have you ever thought that you might be able to use a female condom for sex ?
 A female condom works the best in some relationships because it feel like raw passionate uninhibited sex with out the aide of feeling the latex for the male partner altho it takes a lot of work for the female half because much like a diaphram it has to be inserted correctly to work right so that you both get the feeling and sensations that can come with  it .
Have you preformed your random act of kindness today ?

 


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