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Author Topic: I'm disclosing to my mom  (Read 4305 times)

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Offline woodshere

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,477
  • ain't no shame in my game
I'm disclosing to my mom
« on: October 24, 2007, 11:27:11 AM »
I am leaving this evening for a 4 day weekend to visit my mom and I have decided to tell her I am HIV+.  I have started to on a couple of occasions but have chickened out.  However, the time has come, as I am becoming more involved in my POZ support group's community service projects, meaning more people will find out and she needs to know before finding out from someone else.

It should be interesting.  She is well aware of me being gay and while not a P-Flag mom she is supportive.  I know pretty much how it is going to go.
First she'll say, "Ronnie Woods", (she always using my first and middle names) in that disappointed, guilt ridden, concerned way that only a mother can say it.
Then she will get angry because I didn't tell her 18 months ago and because I let it happen.  (in my case I did, because the guy and i never discussed status or using protection and i was not impaired in any way.  just hope i don't have to tell this)
We will argue for a while and then she will cry.
Then she will go into her mother mode of overreaction to every cough and sneeze. And I will get angry because she is in panic mode.  And then she will pull out her favorite, "I just don't know how much more I can take.  I had hoped at my age I wouldn't still have to be worrying myself to death over my kids".  Then I will cry and become guilt ridden for having to put her through so much.  Then she will cry some more and say she is sorry eventually the tears will end and the anger will supside and we will get on with the normal activities of my visit home eating at the Depot or the Burger House, going to Wal-Mart, visiting the cemetery and playing Bridge.

Regardless of what happens I am just thankful that we have a relationship where I know I don't have to keep these things secret and in the end she will still be there for me.

Wish me luck,
Woods
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline keyite

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2007, 11:39:39 AM »
I definitely wish you luck. Disclosing to my parents is one of those things I dread but know I'll ultimately have to face. Let us know how it actually goes - and enjoy the visit.

Offline Iggy

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2007, 11:40:40 AM »
I wish you luck indeed, though don't think it will really be needed - I like what your mom sounds like through your description.

Might I make one suggestion though?  Print this post of yours and after she starts to react - hand it to her and then tell her to let you know when she wants to go to the Burger House.

She'll probably whack you on top of your head, but hey - what's a mother's love for?

Offline Robert

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2007, 11:45:55 AM »
ronnie woods.....

All I can say is you're one lucky guy.  There is nothing like a hand of bridge to bring a Mother and her boy together.  Both my Mother and Father have passed so I've given up on looking for a fourth. 

robert

(who also does his crossword puzzle alone now too. )
..........

Offline Dachshund

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2007, 11:51:12 AM »
Ronnie Woods, you know what I find shocking about this whole thing? Is that a dedicated commie like you would be shopping at WalMart.

Your a good egg Woods and I'm proud of you.

AD

Offline Dragonette

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2007, 11:54:13 AM »
Good luck Woods and have a good extended weekend. Your post put a kind of crooked bittersweet grin on my face. Thank you for that.
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline komnaes

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2007, 12:00:44 PM »
I wish my mum could be this predictable. Best of luck Woods.

I just know when it comes to the point that I must disclose it will be a scene from the Dante's Inferno.

Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline David_CA

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2007, 12:05:45 PM »
I'm happy for your decision!  I know, for me, it relieved a lot of the stress and anxiety I had been experiencing.  I'm not one that normally needs to, or likes to, keep secrets like this from family members.  I had it easy, though.  I was in the hospital sick as hell (PCP) and on 4 liters/min of oxygen.  I was so high from the oxygen and felt so good that it was actually easy to disclose.  It was something that I had planned on doing, but was just waiting for the 'right time'.  Laying in a hospital bed with PCP seemed like the ideal time to go ahead and get it over with. 

The relief I experienced was amazing.  My mom (and my dad and sister, too) are all very supportive, ask about labs and health, and listen when I'm bothered or stressed about this damned virus.

Good luck to you; it sounds like you're ready to do it.  I think (know?) that you'll be glad you did.  Take care.

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline woodshere

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  • ain't no shame in my game
Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2007, 12:08:55 PM »
Thanks to everyone for your support.  I am off to my own little world of dysfunctional chaotic and happy family time!

Might I make one suggestion though?  Print this post of yours and after she starts to react - hand it to her and then tell her to let you know when she wants to go to the Burger House.

What an absolutely great idea!!!

Ronnie Woods, you know what I find shocking about this whole thing? Is that a dedicated commie like you would be shopping at WalMart.

What can I say she lives in a small central KY town and that's the place to go for groceries, other Wal-Mart junk and to visit with your neighbors.  Christmas Eve it is always on our list of things to do.
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline LACboi

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #9 on: October 24, 2007, 02:54:06 PM »
Good luck woods, Its been 5 years and I still haven't told my parents, My brothers all know but my parents, well that's for another time, but good luck to you.


Jeremy...

Offline allanq

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  • still life with pills
Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2007, 03:35:05 PM »
Woods,

I know this will be very difficult for you, but I think you are making the right move. I'll relate my own experience and hope that you find it encouraging.

I told my mother and my two sisters that I was HIV-positive twelve years ago when I went back east for a visit. I was extremely anxious about it and fortified myself with two Xanax before I started.

It was very difficult for both me and my mother. (I don't recall my sisters having much of a reaction, but that's another story.) For the first year or so, she worried incessantly about me, even to the point of calling a dear friend behind my back to find out if I was telling her everything about my "condition." She also had a lot of questions, such as "what's the difference between HIV-positive and AIDS?"

Ultimately, disclosure turned out to be a very good decision for both me and my mother. For me, it lifted a great burden and enabled me to achieve an openness and honesty with her that I had never before had. My mother even asks me about new developments in HIV meds that she reads about in the newspapers. There were some rough spots, to be sure. A couple of times she asked me how I could be so "stupid" as to contract this disease. She had questions about when and how I got infected, but I did not think that information would be very helpful to her, and besides, it really would not have served any purpose. She pretty much knew how I contracted it. She didn't need to know the details.

Over time, my mother has became very supportive. She's 89 years old, and she still visits me every year, traveling from her home in Florida to the Bay Area. I have a big dinner at my house and invite my gay friends, two of whom are also HIV-positive. My mother says she really looks forward to that dinner each year. And my friends tell me that they do, too.

Best of luck to you. I think this will turn out very well for both you and your mother.

Allan
« Last Edit: October 24, 2007, 06:19:44 PM by allanq »
Top (Breakfast): Prezista, Norvir, Isentress, Zoloft (2), Glyburide (2), Aspirin
Bottom right (Dinner): Prezista, Norvir, Isentress
Bottom left (Bedtime): Sustiva, Trazodone (2), Lipitor, Septra (no longer taking this)
Center: Alprazolam (Xanax)
Not shown: various vitamins & supplements

Offline anniebc

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2007, 04:39:01 PM »
Hi Woods

I will be thinking of you both...my oldest is 40 my youngest is 30 and I still worry about them...let Mum have her little cry and let her yell at you a little, then give her a hug, she will need it by then and so will you.

I'm glad you have made the decision to tell her, believe me Mums are stronger than you think.. your relationship with your Mum sounds like it's on good solid ground, and of course if all else fails buy her something nice...that always works with me.... ;)

Thinking of you both

Hugs
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2007, 04:47:42 PM »
Hi Woods~

I'm sending strength your way.  The toughest part is just getting up the nerve to have those first words roll off of your tongue.  I waited 4 years before telling anyone in my family.  Mom thought I was sitting she and Dad down because I was pregnant or needed money.  Oh how I wish that were the case!

Its sounds like your Mom is a strong woman and that she will be supportive when you disclose to her.  I think that just by "rehearsing" here and telling us how you think it will go has been beneficial for you, too.

Good idea to print out this thread, or even get her on the computer to see everyone's responses. 

Best of luck to you on this trip!   :)

~ Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2007, 05:16:59 PM »
Fingers crossed for you, Woodsie. You've got your head on right about this and you seem to know your Mom very, very well and STILL love her anyway.

Wishing you well. We'll be waiting to hear when you get back from your four day "holiday."

Big cheers, 
Andy Velez

Offline fearless

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #14 on: October 24, 2007, 06:00:11 PM »
Good on you Woods.

I've still not managed to tell my folks yet. My mum would react exactly the same as yours. I'm really not sure how dad would take it, I suspect he'd say very little as he usually does. love him/them to death though.

I sincerely hope it all goes well.
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline northernguy

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #15 on: October 25, 2007, 12:01:08 AM »
Good luck woods!  I haven't crossed that bridge yet, one day...
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41

Offline emeraldize

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #16 on: October 25, 2007, 12:36:56 AM »
Hi Woods,

Can't wait to read your followup post.

Have never regretted disclosing to my mom and siblings.
They're great support.

Safe travel.

Em

Offline Longislander

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #17 on: October 25, 2007, 12:48:01 AM »
good luck Woods! Who knows, maybe your mom will surprise you with her response?  Otherwise, I hope it goes exactly as you planned. Enjoy your visit after that~

Paul
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline bear60

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2007, 11:37:17 AM »
I echo what Cindy said.........cant wait for the followup.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline StrongGuy

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2007, 01:07:39 PM »
Good luck, man...

Hope it all works out well.

:)
"Get your medical advice from Doctors or medical professionals who you trust and know your history."

"Beware of the fortune teller doom and gloomers who seek to bring you down and are only looking for company, purpose and validation - not your best physical/mental interests."

"You know you all are saying that this is incurable. When the real thing you should be saying is it's not curable at the present time' because as we know, the great strides we've made in medicine." - Elizabeth Edwards

Offline jimw

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #20 on: October 26, 2007, 01:47:31 PM »
having just told my parents earlier this year I know what you are feeling.  I basically told my parents for the same reason you are telling your mom - I did not want them to find out from someone else, which would have really hurt them.  Take a deep breath, it will be OK.  For me at least, there is power in being public about my status.   
Can't wait to hear how it goes/went. 
Jim

Offline bocker3

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #21 on: October 26, 2007, 08:02:57 PM »
Hey Woods!

I absolutely loved your take on how it will play out.  Your Mom sounds great -- can't wait to hear how closely you nailed it.
I told my mother in July, despite swearing I would NEVER tell her.  She shocked me with her calm reaction.  She seemed to have the utmost trust in my telling her that I was doing "ok" and that things were far different from when an uncle died of AIDS back in 1988.  She was, however, visibly relieved when I told her that my partner was negative.  Actually, thinking back, she was a little confused, at first (we've been together for 17 yrs).  Then "reality" dawned on her and she did give me one of those "disappointed mother" looks.  Shortly after telling Mom, I told my adult daughter.  I have to say that the freedom that results from not having to watch what I say is amazing.  I was feeling like I was back in the closet -- and I didn't' like that at all. 
I'm making flight arrangements tonite to go and tell my father -- that will only leave 1 of my 3 brothers left to tell.
I hope all is going well for you!!

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline AlanBama

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #22 on: October 26, 2007, 08:05:48 PM »
I think you've made the right decision Woods......hope it goes well.


Best wishes to you...

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline BT65

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #23 on: October 27, 2007, 08:28:05 AM »
I can't wait to hear how things went, Woods.  It's wonderful that you and your mom have the type of relationship where you can share being poz with her. 

When my mom found out, someone I worked with told her.  I was living at home at the time.  She had the usual questions I suspected she would have (should I wash the silverware separately) but she took it really well.  My mom was always supportive of me, even in my darkest hours.  I miss her a hell of a lot. :'(  But I suspect she is still looking after me. :)
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Suntropic98

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #24 on: October 29, 2007, 01:30:53 PM »
Why would you be scared to tell your mother (or dad) about your status? Fear prophets a man nothing.

Offline marc11864

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #25 on: October 29, 2007, 02:50:14 PM »
Why would you be scared to tell your mother (or dad) about your status? Fear prophets a man nothing.

...says the man who waffled on disclosing to a sex partner.
Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! You know the ones I mean.

Offline Suntropic98

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #26 on: October 29, 2007, 02:53:27 PM »
...says the man who waffled on disclosing to a sex partner.

A booty call and your parents are two different things. Duh! Personally I'm not a fan of incest so disclosing my status to my parents was extremely easy.


Edited to add: She was not a sex partner. I never hit it.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I'm disclosing to my mom
« Reply #27 on: October 29, 2007, 06:49:36 PM »
Fear prophets a man nothing.

If you're going to be a writer Sunny you should retain a good editor. A really, really good editor.

Woodsy,

Best of luck with disclosing to the Female Parental Unit, dearest. :-*

MtD

 


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